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Yendor is playing with Ryan for a bit before he'll want to suck on my breast again... Which will probably be soon, that little boy is never satisfied, but then again... I like having him there...



I am seriously feeling guilty about being away from him now, I don't even want him to sleep alone, I only let someone else hold him when I can't hold it anymore and have to run to the bathroom... And yes I've even gone to the bathroom while holding him... So wrong but I can't help it, I guess those mommy instincts are kicking in cause I really can't be away from him... lol



Today when my mother returned from her walk with him, she was gone for over an hour, and I went crazy when I saw him... I didn't realize how much I had missed him.



Ahh...



My body has changed a bit, not in it's shape.... but it's a bit...fuller (inluding my boobs though, that's a plus)

But I am not bothering with it as much as I used to, it gave me Ryan...



Bleh, Yendor needs to watch the news now so I have to go and take Ryan...



I'll keep you guys updated as much as I can :)

Ryan weighs around 3,7kg now and he's 51cm tall, he's becoming such a healthy, chubby little baby...

I am finally beginning to actually feel love for him now, I had troubles bonding with him but I'm getting more attached day by day...

He is nearly a month old now.



I've been having this scary desire to be pregnant again and have more babies, I can't believe how quickly I've forgotten the pains of being in labor... I would do it again now without even thinking. Not that it was a hard labour for me, in fact it was surprisingly quick and easy, no complications at all...



On the 31st Oct, at around 8 pm, I was down at the store with Yendor and I began feeling pains resembling menstrual pains, and then I felt contractions which gradually got stronger and more painful...for 9 hours I was just walking around insisting on not going to the hospital, Yendor was sure it was time but I was afraid it might just be false labor contractions since I hadn't had any contractions at all before that evening...



Anyway, by 5.30 am they had gotten so strong that I had to give in and call for a taxi, around 6 am I was at the hospital and they were checking my contractions... and I was already 5 cm open o.O

at 6.20 they were beginning to get REALLY painful, so that I had to push, it was around that time I began screaming and cursing at them to give me an epidural... but they said it was too late for it...

I barely remember it but apparently I screamed so loud the whole ward could hear me and the midwifes had to tell me to focus on pushing and not screaming... The pushing wasn't that bad... It was when it was time to push Ryan's head out that it REALLY began hurting... Christ.

Luckily it didn't last for long, he came out quickly, Yendor cut the cord and was the first to hold him and see him opening his eyes... Which I am not jealous about...



These past few weeks have been really emotional and scary but I'm beginning to get used to it...

Though I can't call myself a mommy just yet, I don't feel like one and can't grasp that I am one...



And now I better go do something useful before my mother comes back from her walk with Ryan... Then it's feeding time and then we're off to make him a passport...



Breastfeeding is a hell of a job, btw...

At times I really love the feeling of having him so close, other times I get so annoyed.. Especially when he's fussing and crying and doesn't want to drink properly, at those times I want to give in to bottle feeding but I know I won't do it...

It might be tough but it's the only thing I have to do in life right now, taking care of him... And I want to be as close to him as possible while he's still such a small baby...

He's already a month, and soon it will be a year...



I am scared cause there are days when I feel very depressed, and I dont want to do anything but stay in bed and stare at nothing... the thought of what's ahead of me in life is exhausting and I feel like I don't want to do it...



But I have to... and it will get better... I hope



Anyway...



I hope whoever is bothering reading my ramblings is doing alright... I miss being here and talking to those people close to me... but the time will come for that again I suppose...



Take care everyone