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I want to be happy.



What in the world is it going to take for me to achieve that?

COMMENTS

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Mystic
22:07 May 29 2010

Live for your self and your so0n my dear, if you are not happy then you do things to change that.

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vladstick
00:43 May 30 2010

Saw this and thought I would give it a shot from my experience: there is no state of happiness to achieve; there are only moments of happiness and they are not related to us trying to achieve them ie. chase the beautiful butterfly all day long . . . tired and exhausted, you sit on the dock by a lake maybe sipping wine . . . you look at your foot and there sits the butterfly for a moment, for 15 mins, and maybe for an hour! Just you and the butterfly in a box of space and time . . . what's it all about? IDK, IF I talk about it---I lose it...that's all I know but I want the butterfly and me again...forever!



Blessed Be!

vladstick

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birra
05:21 May 30 2010

You are the only person who can answer that question....

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POST COMMENT

So.



Positive thinking.



Let's have a therapy session, I'm just going to note down everything I want to do with my life and then I can work on how I'm going to achieve it. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of all my negativity. I don't want to be this person, I can be a happy person, I want to be different. I just need to figure out how to get there...



First of all, I need to learn how to let go of my past before I get even more bitter than I already am. I'm tired of dwelling on it, seriously. It's not going to help me, what's done is done, what's in the past should stay in the past. I don't want it to affect my future negatively anymore. Cause let's face it, if I don't start doing anything about it, my past is going to ruin the rest of my life. I need to stop hating on myself. I need to find love. Love. Yes. Love. Love myself. How am ever going to to that? It feels like an impossibility, but then, I've heard that nothing is impossible.



I need to work with what I have, and right now that isn't much. I haven't got a higher education like all my friends, so what? I need to stop feeling ashamed about that. I still live at my mom's, so what? I won't be living here forever. I'm fat, so what? Today I realize being fat or thin has really not had a great impact on how happy I am, so what the hell does it matter when the goal is to be happy and not a certain size? Happiness will make me want to take care of myself, it'll make me healthy. I haven't got a job, so what? I've been taking care of Ryan on my own for 2,5 years and that's a hell of a job... The fact that he's growing up, I need to get back in touch with reality outside of life with a toddler assures me that I will find a job, however impossible it is giving my zero qualifications for anything but McDonalds. Not to mention my very limited time, I have no one to take care of Ryan outside kinder so I have exactly 24h a week to do something about myself and my life....



And there's SO much I want to do, SO much I need to catch up on, SO much I need to make up for. I'll never find the time to do it all, not with 24h a week... I don't even know how I'll get a job considering that I can only work from 10-2 PM on weekdays? Not to mention, when I do get that job, I'll have absolutely no chance of doing anything else in my life but working and taking care of Ryan.



So, the list, I'll get to it. Number one though is that I want to read more books, I want to read everything, be it fiction or non fiction. Before Ryan I used to read all the time and it used to make me happy. I want that back.



Number two is that I want to get my driver's license, I was so close to getting it when I was 18. I remember how to drive, I rememer much from the theory, I would just need to study a bit, take the test, and save money for some driving lessons just to gain my confidence back... It can be done, maybe not immediately, but if I go for it, perhaps by the end of this year I'll make it.



I need to have something to do, something to look forward to, something that I'm passionate about, or life will be meaningless. I've been going around for too long waiting for "meaning" to happen, for happiness to come and find me... but it never will unless I fight for it. I want to do this now. I feel better, I want it, happiness.



Number three, I want to reconnect with those friends I've lost touch with since Ryan was born. I used to have few but very close friends, and I want that back. I love them and I need them in lmy life, even if we're not always on the same page, even if I have a kid and they don't. It shouldn't make such a difference, not if I recover myself and become something more than just a mother... If I could only be me again. Ryan should not be a burden, he's not a burden, I never want him to feel like he is.



To be continued, I have to go for now.

Ryan not sleeping well, him being grumpy and frustrating every day, doesn't make things any easier. I feel so guilty, I hate feeling the relief when I leave him at kinder, knowing that I have 6h free of any confrontations and whining. Loving the moment I go to pick him up because I've missed him terribly and he's always so happy to see me, but 5 min later his whining is back and the struggle begins. All because he just won't sleep enough, no matter what I do he will always go to sleep too late or wake up too early... Like today, he woke up at 5 AM after 10h of sleep, spent the whole morning crying and fussing, was happy at kinder though because Vanessa was there, when I come to pick him up however I learn that he's only napped for 30 min and as a result he's incredibly tired and grumpy... And he falls asleep in 10 min, completely exhausted, at 7 PM. Now we all know he'll repeat the same routine tomorrow, waking up at 5.30 AM at the latest, sleeping for no more than an hour at kinder. Great. I TRY to be in a cheerful mood and keep my patience, but his grumpiness really brings my mood down and I become just as grumpy. I'm tired of him not sleeping well. I'm tired of not ever having a day of fun loving laughter, tired of waking up to his cries. I don't know what to do, it seems there's nothing I can do. What do you do when your child is chronically sleep deprived? It's affecting his behavior, his temper, his play, his mood, his whole days in a very negative manner. Most days he's unable to pay attention to anything, he really has a hard time with that. Sigh. OK. Rant Over. At least, he's not whiny and grumpy at kinder. I can feel good about that.