11:42 Jun 03 2010
Times Read: 634
I wish I hadn't discovered my passion for theater so late in life, I wish I could somehow re-live my life and take drama classes from an early age, I wish I had done something about it before I got pregnant. I wish I had done SOMETHING so I wouldn't have to sit here right now regretting everything I haven't done and mourning all the experience, the fun, the happiness I might have lost in not doing anything.
If there's something I'll be haunted by for the rest of my life, it's this. I don't want to be a teacher, who the hell am I kidding? I'm not born to be a teacher, it's just the only thing I can see myself possibly doing in the situation I am in now. It's something I could settle for, but it doesn't make me feel alive.
Perhaps it sounds naive to say this but the only thing that has ever felt right, the one thing that has truly awoken strong passion in me is when I got the chance to act, to play theater and to go to actual theaters and watch so many brilliant plays during high school.
It was only for 8 weeks, we didn't get to do much, but it was so enthralling, so perfect. My drama teacher gave me so much praise and genuinly encouraged me to pursue an acting career. He told me I had real talent and passion for it, he even gave me lists of drama schools to apply to... And what did I do about it? I got depressed, then I got pregnant. Now I can only dream about what might have happened, had I steered my life in a different direction.
What I wouldn't give to go to the theater now, but how can I when I have no one to babysit and if I do, most plays are still in the evening when I have to be at home putting Ryan to sleep? I can't for the world afford to pay for any acting classes, never mind that they're in the evening too.
Ah, well...
That's one of the many reasons why I now feel so hopeless, helpless and desperate. Having Ryan is like giving me all the happiness the world can offer, but since I'm not fulfilled as a person in so many other ways, I can not fully enjoy it... I just do it because I must, because I love him.
So, yeah, now my life is all about giving Ryan as many opportunities and show him as many things as I can, let him choose and discover what he wants, guide him and make sure he gets the happiness he deserves... I'll start with dance classes in Autumn and at 7 or whatever he can choose whatever activity he wants and I'll only make sure I can pay for it.
But me? My life? It's down the drain and I don't know how I could possibly regain it, perhaps by 40 when he'll be all grown up, but then I'll most likely be all depressed anyways.
Now I have to go back to job searching, like I'll ever find anyone who will hire me. Yeah, right.
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