13:09 Jul 04 2010
Times Read: 655
Last night I had something which I can only describe as a hysterical nervous breakdown. My antidepressants don't seem to have had an effect on me yet, it's been 3 weeks, perhaps 50 mg isn't enough?
During the days every day I manage to keep my cool and patience, paying constant attention to Ryan, trying to stimulate him as much as I can, let him join me in cleaning and cooking when it needs to be done, playing with him most of the time or talking to him about what he's doing, taking him out to the park... And I always do my best to be cheerful.
However, at night, that's when I most often lose my patience. Mostly because Ryan takes forever to sleep, and now I have stopped breasfeeding him for the past 2,5 weeks (he had hurt his mouth which made it painful for him to suckle which is when I took the opportunity to try to stop)
Problem is, now it takes him EVEN LONGER to sleep. BF was the only thing which could really make him stay in bed and relax a bit...He has real troubles with settling down, his body and brain are constantly active and he is very irregular in his sleep and eating patterns, no matter how much I try to put him on a schedule. Though Ive taken great care in learning to deal with his spirited nature and during the day I do a hell of a good job with it since he despite being so prone to frustration and aggressive outburst, I manage to make him calm down most of the time and he truly listens to me and respects me. Sleep is another issue though... and that's the part which seems to be impossible to tackle.
His bedtime routine is the same, dinner, bath, pajamas, story, lights out and me singing or telling him a story... He doesnt like being stroked on the back or ANY other relaxing techniques though, they only make him angry. He is also very tantrum prone at bedtime because he's so tired by then... So I try to do everything to prevent him from having one, but it always ends up with him exploding over the smalles thing. Now that he doesnt BF he wants to read a million books, we can sit up to an hour or more reading books because everytime I try to tell him it's time to sleep he has a tantrum and wants to read another book... Then when I DO succeed in making him switch off the lights and lay down he starts wriggling and turning, he cant lay still, and after 15 minutes or so of that he starts crying for another book... If not a book, then it's milk or yogurt. Last night he wanted juice though I strictly told him he can not have juice now but in the morning, enter tantrum.... Then he lays down again, can't fall asleep, gets up and starts walking around the room and just unable to relax... I cant force him to stay in bed and overpower him, because one, it's against my believes and two he'd just have a major tantrum... And this fuss goes on for uptil 3h, most often 2h, EVERY night.
And I thought it was bad when it took him an hour or 1,5h of bf to fall asleep...
The ONLY good thing about him not bf now is that he actually sleeps through the night, he might wake up onec in the early morning but quickly goes back to sleep again.
But that's also where the good things end...
He's having a really hard time accepting it though, especially now that his mouth has healed. He asks for it and wakes up angry because he can't have it... It's been 2,5 weeks and he is still just as angry about it and cannot adjust.
Not to mention the horror that are naps nowadays, it can take an hour for him to fall asleep at naptime IF he does fall asleep... and honestly, on most days he doesnt fall asleep... At kindergarten he does nap, so I don't know what the hell I am doing wrong. One day he wouldn't nap at noon and by 3 PM he was SO sleepy that he fell asleep while we were just sitting on the sofa listening to music...
It's been hellish, I don't know why this child has such difficulties sleeping... Plus, removing bf has NOT improved his naps... He STILL wakes up after an hour or so and needs to be put back to sleep... Same at night... In the beginning of the night at least, I usually leave him once he's asleep and go back to bed after sometime... unless he wakes up which he usually doesn within 2-3h... UNLESS I go to sleep with him, then he doesnt wake up.
Ryan has always needed MORE when it comes to most things, especially physical contact... Though he sits in the stroller now since a year back, he still prefers me carrying him rather than walking himself... He often comes to me and wants me to hold him or to sit in my lap, he always wants to be close to me, and I guess that's also why he wants to BF so much... When he was a baby he was on me most of the day, every day...
Anyways, last night was a nightmare.
First of all, he had only slept for 10h the night before, second of all he wouldn't nap. Again. While I was breastfeeding him, on the no nap days (usually when he'd be too hyper or unwilling to settle down) he would fall asleep within minutes around 6 PM. So naturally, yesterday, I had him ready in bed at 5.30 PM... We must have read books for 1,5h because he would have start crying everytime I told him gently that we need to sleep and it is impossible for him to go to sleep when he's angry... Imagine trying to hold down a 2 year old trying to force him to sleep... I cant do that... He wouldnt have it, anyways. Then he wanted milk, then he wanted yogurt, then he wouldn't drink the milk without a straw, then he wanted juice, then he wanted to go to the potty and I brought it to him but then when he didnt have any peepee he had a tantrum, then he wanted to take the potty back to the bathroom and OF COURSE my stupid mother has ALL the lights on AND the TV on which OF COURSE distracts him and then he comes to me saying that he is going to his grandma...
Then my mother suggests that he's not tired and that I should let him stay up and watch some cartoons. Iwas ready to kill her.
He ends up staying with her, watching TV, then wanted to come back to me after about 30 min... Then he wanted to read books... Then he wanted more milk, then he layed down for about 15 minutes but by then he was SO hyper and overtired he wouldnt settle down for the world... I was trying to calm him down, to make him sleep, he ran out of the room back to my mom after I had gotten angry with him...
I got angry with him many times during those hours, I told him mommy is getting angry because mommy is tired and you won't go to sleep... I started crying at one point while he was sitting with my grandma...
There's too much to explain, but I just broken down hard. And it was not Ryan's fault, because if it hadn't been for underlying anger I was feeling towards my mother and much else... I wouldn't have reacted the way I did with him. It's not his fault that he can't settle down and sleep, it's my fault because I fail to teach him how to do it.
I've started reading these books, one about how to raise spiritied children and the other is called "Reinventing your life" which the psychiatrist recommened me to read over the summer... And I have read a bit... And it all makes so much sense, it pretty much explains how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling it and how to go on about changing it... Changing it is hard though... but at least I've gotten so much more insight into my own emotional life... And it's made me feel so angry with my parents, because they have done SO many mistakes with raising me... I don't really have time to go into it further now I guess, perhaps another time, but all this anger... And this book says the first step is to sit back and let images and emotions from your inner child come forward, to confront and help that child feel better... And a lot of memories are flooding back, things I can understand better now.
As if that wasn't enogh, my mom threw quite a fit yesterday complaining about me over the phone to her friend, critisizing me and doing what she does best... making me feel like shit. And most of the things she says are fucking bullshit. I don't help around at home? Who the fuck spent half the day cleaning her room, doing the dishes, vacuuming? Me letting Ryan play with everything? What the FUCK is wrong with letting him play with shoes or cotton buds?? I Dont let him play with things that HARM him and he accepts it when I tell him no, but one of his favorite activities is taking shoes out of the closet and "build a house" or put his clothes in the washing machine and pretend to wash them... WHY the fuck should I tell him NO to doing that? WHY? Because everything has to be at its place??
I love my mom but she pisses me off. I wish I didnt have to live with her. I wish I could live on my own with Ryan.
The second problem is my growing concerns with his kindergarten, I'll tell you the reasons why later, but I am seriously considering taking him out of there because I dont like the group he's going to be in now... Hes gonna transfer to a group with 4-5 year olds who he can't relate to at all PLUS with teachers I DO NOT LIKE at all because they are SO unlike me and they just put me off with how they take care of the kids, from what Ive seen... He used to be with this 19 year old, really sweet girl and very much like mei n her persoinaity, and he LOVED her... She used to be with him and only more girl most of the time, getting lots of attention, learning lots of new things... but then she took time off work, shes coming back in August but since Ryan is transfering from the 1-3 year old group now...
They've explained to me why, he's really advanced on an intelligent level with his language and his learning, he needs more stimulation which he is not getting in the smaller group... but I dont like those teachers, or those children! PLUS I feel more and more that kinder is not taking good enough care of him, paying him enough attention, teaching him enough... And I have a list of other problems. I just dont feel safe leaving him there anymore, and when he comes telling me he loves being at home... but he doesnt love being at kindergarten... thats worrying enough for me. His kinder closed on friday so he'll be home for 4 weeks now, unless I decide not to take him back there at all... which I probably will. Problem is then I'll have to stay at home with him, again, bye bye work and studying plans... until I find another kindergarten for him, but the cues are SO long and I will most ilkely have to wait for months before that happens...
I'm just under a lot of stress and pressure, and I can't handle stress by nature, so this is starting to kill me. I'm really considering lettting him bf again... Im going crazy. I cant write anymore.
COMMENTS
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zioneternalangel
13:35 Jul 04 2010
awww missis my heart goes out to you only advice i can offer feel free to not take it ! but from sounds of all the mik , potty juice, readanother etc and sorry to say u seem to fall for it ..... you need to be tghe big bad meany parent and get strict ! if you say it do it! CONSISTENCY IS THE BIGGEST THING OTHER THAN LOVE THAT A CHILD NEEDS x
that means you do ur bedtime routine keeping yourself and situation calm even if he isnt you tuck him in with quiet story which at start you say you are having 1 book ... 10 pages or whatever you stick to it you kiss cuddle say nite and walk out room ignoring any whinging!!
for first few weeks it wil be hell you constantly having him come out room 1st time he does you calmly pick him up put him back on bed say nite love you then leave 2nd time NO TALKING TO HIM NO BARGAINING NO JUICE (as you will have made sure he has been to toilet as part of bedtime routine he has had a drink etc ) AND EVERY TIME HE GETS UP BE IT OVER 300 TIMES KEEP DOING IT !! you will feel mean evil etc but at end of the day you have to do this he needs to learn that when mummy says something NO MATTER WHAT GRANNY SAYS OR DOES!!! thats whats happening!!
also this follows through to evrything you do if you say put that down or no biscuits ......... warn him once IF YOU SAY IT DO IT!!!!!
also query at 2 an hour and half nap is a bout norm for active boys !
make bedtime a little later as yes crabby cause he tired but 5 30 is rather early start bed time routine later aiming to have him in bed and everything including story done by 6.30/7.00.
if your mum interferes set down some basic rules with her that you want followed if she is unwilling or unabe to do this sadly ur son is gonna learn to ignore his grannie !!
it will be hard and you need to look into gettin own place as asoon as you are able if you are being undermined all time by family yes there help when ur exhausted is brill but it has paybacks !bad ones by sound of it x
as for tablets takes up to 6 weeks for them to start working then you will need to see about upping dose but way i see it tablets are all well and good for depression caused b7 chemical imbalance etc but you will not feel better until the probllems you are facing in daily life are addressed to so stick whith your psychiatrist and if it not working with one try another you dont like evey1 you meet so why should it be any different with a doc ?
you keep going and if you ever need a rant feel free to message me anytime x and i can give you my msn and facebook address x
BubbleGumClaudia
02:59 Jul 05 2010
have you been on the anti depressents long?? it does take them a bit to work ive been back on mine for almost a month and they've finally started to work in my eyes......and ya know you are a great mom and you do need to be strict sometimes.......I know it sux lord knows I hate doing it to Helena but I do it knowing that I still love her and she knows that even though she says she hates me!
michen
13:26 Jul 09 2010
Basically I believe it is all about learning. He learns that through tantrums he gets his will - the only thing that would help is that he learns no matter how many tantrums he'll have he does *not* get what he wants. That is a hard thing to do, I know what I am talking about.
Even though this might piss you off even more: What you have got to learn is that saying no to his demands and be strict doesn't equal you love him less. The latter will never be the case, because you are his mom. And vice versa.