Everything and nothing23:57 Jul 31 2009
Times Read: 665
For the past few days and most likely for the next week or so, I am finding myself completely alone with Ryan. His father went away yesterday, as for where I cannot say, although it has very much to do with what happened a few weeks ago. I don't have a clue what's going to happen or how we are going to get ourselves out of this situation.
I can't eat nor sleep, my mind is exploding with worries while I try to show Ryan a calm and happy exterior. How am I going to support him? Can he have a happy childhood without his father being around much? Is it really the best thing right now to go to Sweden?
I've realized that there is no way in hell I can or will put Ryan in kindergarten, at least not for another year or two. It would harm and distress him far too much. He is not the kind of child who plays well with other children, not because he is misbehaved but because he is not ready for the savageness of that environment. He can't tolerate hitting, biting, pushing, shouting, it hurts him. He is such a sensitive boy, maybe even too sensitive for his own good. It is not that I don't trust him to be able to cope, I know him well enough that he simply is not ready for it. His whole world revolves around me, me, me and whatever places I take him to, whatever I show, teach and tell him. To put him in a place full of running kids and stranger caregivers would give him an immense shock and I know he would only cry throughout the whole stay, as he did those couple of times I tried leaving him in a daycare back in February. It is not the right option for him, he needs to be with me. That's the simple fact, he needs me. I am not saying that because I need him as some people would criticize me for, or because I've spoiled him and made him dependent on me. He was born this way and I am simply nurturing and keeping his best interest at heart. He is not insecure, but very cautious and even frightened by this big world unless I am close by to reassure him. He is not a little daredevil like most other kids seem to be, most of the time that we are at the park he spends standing still observing other children and making sure I'm there with him. He never joins other kids in games or such and whenever a little or big one approaches him, he gets scared. I can't blame him, it has happened that a boy not much older than him has hit him or pushed him. He's not even keen on going to his grandparents, he is very slow to warm up to them, it does happen though that he gives them a kiss or initiates play with them. He HAS days when he is very sociable with strangers, very much outward and confident... but on most days, he clings on me. He needs me and I can't abandon him, Yendor knows this and he has failed, hurt and betrayed me deeply by putting us in this situation... In a situation where I might have to go to work. I want to work, don't get me wrong, but that can wait until Ryan is older. He is my solemn responsibility I am willing to take on right now, he gives me much more to do than I can handle as it is.
I feel incredibly lonely and abandoned, even more so than I have these past year and a half since we got here. Despite the resentment and anger I feel towards Yendor, I miss his presence. I want him around. When I trace it back, I realize my resentment towards him began soon after we came to Malta in the beginning f last year, when suddenly he shoved all the responsibility on me. I was to take care of Ryan in every way, clean, cook and go grocery shopping. He might not have done this consciously, but fact is that he did do it and he kept on doing it no matter how many times I might have pointed it out. I remember how suddenly I was the one who had to wake up to feed Ryan every night, if I asked him to do it he would speak of his discontentment loudly. Eventually I got so angry I didn't even bother with asking him anymore, and that anger never left me... On the contrary, it kept growing as it has for these years, with ever thing he would fail to do or complain about having to do. He excuse himself by saying that "he was going back to work in a matter of a few weeks and was simply trying to prepare me for having to stay alone with Ryan", considering the fact how shaky, unstable and insecure I had been the first month. That first month, I remember that clearly though it hurts me to do so... How much Ryan cried, what a shock we both got from how loud and strong willed he was. He refused to be put down, he refused to sleep alone, he refused the pram, he refused to do much of anything than breastfeed all the time... We were both so confused, I remember thinking about how my sister Nicole was as a baby... And wondered what was wrong with Ryan... every day we considered if he is colicky, if he is sick, has a stomach ache, or whatever. God how absolutely novice, inexperienced and naive we both were. It didn't help either that my parents kept asking me why Ryan was crying so hard and giving me suggestions as to what to do... And when we lived for a brief time with my father, having them breathing down my neck all the time asking what on earth we were doing to Ryan giving that he was screaming like that... Because my brother and sister, oh they had been like angels... We just kept struggling to try to find a logical and explainable reason to Ryan being as he is... And that, my friends, is the only month when Yendor was truly helpful. It's as if work and being online swallowed him whole after that.
It wasn't until the second month that we came across the term "high need child" which I quickly realized was exactly what Ryan is and continues to be. I thank the almighty whatever for having learned so quickly about Attachment Parenting, I don't know where I would have been with Ryan now if it wasn't for that. I found myself left alone, constantly alone for although Yendor was at home sometimes he was never really approachable, with a high need baby, having to deal with my own post partum depression, being so far away from home and family... And I am still dealing with it because I never actually dealt with it. I had to and still have to keep all my focus on raising Ryan.
Like I said, if it hadn't been for me parenting the boy the way I have, he would probably me much more of a handful than he is. He has such a strong yet sensitive and lovable temperament, he is so persistent, expressive and loud... All the energy and time I spent on feeding him, holding him, caring for him, singing to him, sleeping with him, carrying him around and rarely if ever getting a minute for myself... have proven to be well worth it. I keep feeling remorse and worry about those too many times during his infant hood that he witnessed my breaking down, my crying, my shouting... Feeling my despair and stress, and most likely taking it in to himself... However, I hope that all the good moments we have shared compensates for all the mistakes I've made with him. He does seem to feel loved, trust, secure and everything he needs in order to grow up healthily. What amazes me the most is that despite his being so obstinate and eager to get his way, he always listens to and obeys me. He is absolutely adorable when he comes hugging my legs sometimes saying "hug mummy" when I'm not paying attention to him, as if he wants to tell me to get back to him...
I wish you could all see him... He is the most lovable child I have ever met, and he is mine. When I look at him, I know in my heart that I am a good mother. I am a brilliant mother for the simple fact that despite everything I haven't gone off to shoot myself yet.
Now I've been away from Ryan and the bed for way too long, I miss him and he sleeps better in my presence. As for Yendor I can't help but worrying about him, though the thought of how he left still pisses me off. The thought of how little time and patience he gives Ryan pisses me off... The thought that his lack of involvement might ruin all the energy I put into him, pisses me off. I can safely say that only now am I starting to feel confident, patient, calm, secure and sensitive in my parenting... Yendor is everything but sensitive... It pisses me off. Although to be fair, I can blame it on his parents as much as I can blame it on him... It's the way he was raised and it lives within us, his parents are by far the least sensitive, understanding and intuitive parents I have ever encountered. As a child, Yendor did not just not have birthday parties but he used to get beaten... His mother never read him good night stories, more like shouted at him to go to bed... God, I could go on forever. My point being, I am really, constantly scared that Yendor might unconsciously repeat his parent's mistakes with Ryan and thereby counteracting everything I am doing for the boy.
Christ, I could really go on forever about everything, I could write 100 pages if I had the time, but I really feel the need to get back to my boy now. He is the only thing I have, he is the only one I love truly, purely and unselfishly. Having a child is a blessing, never forget that.
COMMENTS
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Deity
02:21 Aug 01 2009
I'm so sorry. ♥ There is nothing else I could say other than that. I hope the situation works our somehow. ♥