The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

When I want you in my arms

When I want you and all your charms

Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream

Dream, dream, dream

When I feel blue in the night

And I want you to hold me tight

Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream



I can make you mine, taste your lips of wine

Anytime night or day

Only trouble is, gee whiz

I'm dreamin' my life away



I need you so that I could die

I love you so and that is why

Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream

Dream, dream, dream, dream

Dream, dream

Whenever I want you, all I have to do is dream

Is it possibly to have an orgasm in your sleep? Like a dreamgasm?



Cause if it is, then Zachary Quinto just gave me the best and most intense one ever.



Haha



I'm serious, I just had the best dream of my life.



He's a hell of a kisser, btw.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
08:27 Jan 24 2010

Yes indeedy it is possible..... Your new profile pic is gorgeous!

---

VampyOne
16:36 Feb 11 2010

haa yes..I do believe it is possible...and if anyone can do it, he can. He is incredibly sexy

---

POST COMMENT

I'm bored.



I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I'm tired of sitting at home doing nothing with him. Sigh.

I really feel like I'm wasting his time.'m¨m¨nåbövlckjshag

Ryan slept until 8.15 this morning.



!?



What!?



He didn't fall asleep until 8.30 PM or so, took over 1,5h to do so, but usually he still gets up at around 6.30 AM.



Then I fell asleep with him as well, which means that aside from being awoken by him crying a few times, I slept for a straight 12h.



It would have been more enjoyable if I had had the luxury of dreaming something nice.



I only hope this doesn't mean he'll go to nap later and push his bedtime forward...



He's busy drawing now, the past couple of days his interest in drawing and reading has really increased.



I've got no idea what we're going to do today though, like usual...

Yesterday my mother said she would stay with Ryan. Now that Ryan woke up I asked her if she could babysit Ryan this afternoon, but I was left disappointed just like 3 months ago when I asked her last time.



You see, she had already had some beers and she was so busy cleaning. It's always about cleaning.



And to think I actually let myself consider which movie I'd like to see... I shouldn't have because it just hit me even harder.



I broke down crying for a few minutes but then I put myself back together, I have to stay cheerful fo Ryan and gain energy for the hours of play to come. Again.



I feel trapped. I have no freedom. That's what I envy people most these days... Not good looks, not money, not intelligence, but freedom. Just good old fashioned fucking freedom. The luxury of "own time" and being able to just GO somewhere without having to consider anybody but yourself. I'm tired of this responsibility, but I'm too responsible and love Ryan too much to neglect it. That's the only thing which saves me.



It's past 2 PM, everything, museeums and such, close at 5 PM... Which means it's a bit late to take him to one of those places, if I do we'll only have an hour and I hate dragging him away from there just when he's starting to have fun... Sigh. If only I had a car. If only he could nap in the stroller. If only there was a way out of this mess.



My appetite is not returning either, I eat when I'm hungry which is not often, and it takes very little to fill me up. For some reason I'm not losing weight and I suspect it has to do with me eating too little. I don't even care about how I look anymore, I just need to lose 10kg to get back to a healthy weight. God dammit. I can't find an appetite for ANYTHING.



Now my mother is irritated with Ryan because he somehow managed to turn off the music. And now she needs to vacuum.



Fuck it, I don't know where the hell I'm going to go but I'm getting out of here even if I have to take him with me. Maybe i'll just take him out for ice cream, it's Saturyda, I usually get him something on Saturdays although the past few weeks I've forgotten about it so he's gone many weeks without sweets now... But it's too cold for ice cream. Sigh.



I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO GO! AND I NEED TO GO OUT! GAAAAAAHHHH!

COMMENTS

-

---

VampireRice
13:25 Jan 16 2010

You could always take Ryan to the park. My kids love going ther eaven in the cold

---

POST COMMENT

Today has been a good day even though it didn't look too promising in the morning when I woke up feeling really depressed and tired.



Ryan has been in a good mood and despite of not having had a nap today, his mood stayed that way... I tried to put him down at his usual hour, but he was too energetic to settle down so... He didn't get tired until around 2.30 PM and by then it was too late for him to have a nap so I let him stay up until 6.30 when he fell asleep.



We've been reading books, painting, drawing, laughing, played with cars, dancing... So yep, a good day.



What really improved my mood though was that I found the courage to phone one of the kindergartens this morning, and surprisingly enough they had places available! It's a private one and it was recently installed so I guess that might have to do with it... Not too many people know about it yet. I just really hope it's a good kindergarten now which both me and Ryan can feel safe and comfortable with. We're going there on the 22nd in the afternoon so see... if we do like it, Ryan will start going there from March 1st. Of course, the first two weeks I'll be going there with him for an hour or two so he can get a chance to get used to the place before I leave him there for a full 5 hours a day...



I'm really excited though, this is exactly what we need. He needs to grow up and toughen up, he's all "mommy mommy mommy"... He needs to learn to rely on himself and gain independence, I believe I hinder him in that by constantly being available. I just hope he won't suffer too much from the separation... or think that I've abandoned him and don't love him... It'll be hard the first couple of weeks, I know, until he gets used to it and realizes it's fun being there... At least I hope it will be fun for him.



Best of all, my courses start on March 22nd... Well, not really MY courses, I still have to apply and see if I get accepted... I hope I can study at home too, I'd really need to get out of the house but the classes are in the evening, in other words at an hour which is impossible for me to attend... So I have no choice but to study intensely from home while he's at kindergarten. I'm not sure which courses to apply to though... I need Social Studies A and History B because I have an F in both... 'I need at least a C there to apply for University...



The thing is, there are SO many different classes! I'd LOVE to read French and Spanish again... Literature history... but I guess I must face reality and accept that I won't have the time for a million different classes... Unfortunately... I'm just so so so looking forward to using whatever brain I have left and get to work... If this works out, it better or I'll never dig myself out of this hole. I'm really trying to keep my head up here, I can't take another setback.



I don't think I'll be able to apply for university for the next semester though... My courses finish in May and the last application date is on April 15th so... Maybe for January... Sigh... If only I had taken the courses back in October, but that was impossible seeing as I still had and have Ryan on full time...



I'm stressing so much because I'm turning 23 this year, I feel like life is escaping me. People that I know from my school days are already graduating and here I am, not even started... It makes me feel like a failure, add to that that I haven't even worked in my life. God.



I'm going to take a look at the courses now, don't think I'll be able to decide just yet though... I have until Feb 2nd so there's time...



Then I'm going to watch the new episode of NCIS. McGee. Yummy.



Good night...

Let me tell you a story about something which will most likely happen if your name is Karolina.



Once upon a Friday I phoned a kindergarten and made an appointment for the following Monday. That same day I checked the address and drew a map of how to reach my destination with hopes of not taking too much time to find it. On Monday I prepared to go out half an hour earlier than necessary, knowing from experience that I would need that time to locate myself. I take the train as I should, then I wait for the bus for 10 minutes, everything's fine. It's when I get off the bus and notice that it's the wrong stop that things start going to hell. Despite having a map I have no clue where I am and take the wrong way at first which costs me 10 minutes, then as I start walking on the right way (unknowingly) Ryan is complaining about feeling cold and when I DO find the right street... For some insane reason the kindergarten is not there! And I SWEAR I was at the adress given on the website! So what could I do other than turn back home and realize I've wasted 2 hours of the afternoon on nothing...



Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.



And they were expecting me there! But get this, I had no credit on my mobile so I couldn't call them.



GAH



On a positive note, it made me realize I probably should look for a kindergarten closer to home... And the same company or whatever has 2 kindergartens in my area so if I gather up enough courage I'll phone them tomorrow...

I've been playing with Ryan most of the morning but now that he went to play a bit by himself I took the time to prepare some "flour" for a LCHF bread I've been planning to bake...



I basically just mixed mostly linseed, then some almonds, hazelnuts and sesame seeds to make the flour... And mixed it with eggs, spices, cottage cheese, creme fraiche and melted butter...



I just put it in the oven, I hope it tastes as good as it smells.



I've given up all carbs these past 9 days except for one slice of rye bread and weetabix I've had in the mornings... Just because I didn't want to give my body a shock by excluding all carbs at once, that only leaves me dizzy, weak and tired but I think my body is slowly getting used to this again now so... it's time I cut out those carbs as well, hence why I'm baking this bread.



I don't think I'm going to go extreme and do 0-5 carbs/day just yet though... From past experience I know I can do that for a few days, but it takes a away the pleasure of eating completely... I mean, eggs, butter and meat alone won't be sufficient especially since I'm going back to a vegetarian diet... If there's a way to find the way back to myself, this is it. I was a vegetarian for 5 years befire I got pregnant with Ryan, and then by the end of my pregnancy because I'm foolish, insecure and weak I allowed myself to be persuaded that I "had" to eat meat for the well being of the baby so... Then I just got so used to it, nah, there are no excuses to it really other than me being unable to stand by my own values. Anyways... So Quorn, a meat substitute, has a bit of carbs in it, about 6g/100g which is not much but enough to put me over the 5g/100g limit... I'll just have to live with that cause I can't only eat eggs. It's enough that I can't eat lentils, carrots or beans... Gah



Anyways, I need to go check on Ryan.

COMMENTS

-

---

TheDarkWolfman
09:19 Jan 12 2010

Sounds like you are doing better and Ryan is getting out on his own *wink*

---

POST COMMENT

Yeah, I beat the sugar monster.



I'm getting used to the taste of sugar free tea, although I wouldn't think twice about having it with sugar if I had a choice.



I'm eating soft boiled eggs for lunch now. Hmm.



I've gained a lot of energy and lost a good amount of weight already, so I'm staying motivated...



As soon as Ryan starts going to kindergarten in the mornings I'll be using some of that time to go to the gym, I used to go to yoga and pilates classes as well as lifting weights regularly before I got pregnant, I really miss doing that...



Now I need to figure out how to get to the kindergarten, I'm an expert at getting lost even when I have a map in front of me so... I'm supposed to be there at 4 PM today with Ryan, I really hope it'll turn out well and that they won't need to see my ID since I seem to have lost it and need to make a new one which

will take a few weeks to get... GAH



Speaking of, I've lost 2 mobiles during a period of 3 weeks... Don't ask me how, when or why because I have no idea. I'm also an expert at losing things, but this is a bit extreme even to be me... The last one which I lost on Saturday was my father's so he was really pissed with me, understandably... The thing I feel most sorry for is that beside the mobile being really good, having internet and a great camera and all, I had this gorgeous picture of Zachary Quinto on it and I miss looking at it... haha.



Sometimes I wonder where my head is at though, my mom often complains about me going around with "my head in the clouds" and as much as I TRY not to do it, to be aware, to be attentive and just stay on earth I always seem to be disappearing somewhere, consciously or not... It something I've come to hate about myself, mostly because my parents have always seen that as a reason to get angry with me... I don't know what to do, I always forget and misplace things, I rarely think before I act and I'm just hopeless in every way... It's like I'm never really here and I can't bring myself down from wherever it is I'm hiding.



Alright, time to go...

It's been a week and noooow my sugar cravings are kicking in... Time to bring out the devil in me and fight them off, I guess.



I'm just going to drink some more water and teach Ryan some Yoga. Yep.

Sigh...



If I've missed out on both Alter Bridge and Green Day already, I can survive anything else that comes my way... Right? Like "Jane Eyre"... And "New Moon"... And any other movie I'd die to see at the cinema...



Or not.



I'm so disappointed with my life it's unbearable..



I',m just saying it would be nice to have a few hours to myself once in awhile, last time I had it was in the beginning of July when I went to see "Star Trek"... 6 months ago, in other words.



Before that I had 3 evenings over a period of 2 months, and before that I had the chance to watch "Twilight" back in November... And nothing prior to that.



Is anyone even wondering why I'm losing it?

Last night Ryan fell asleep after 8 PM and now he woke me up at 5 AM. That's a new record. In about 2 or 3 hours he's going to be so tired that he'll have a meltdown and absolutely refuse to be put down for a nap, he'll probably go to sleep upset and will therefor not sleep more than 2 hours if I'm lucky. This boy has constant lines and bags under his eyes because of all his lost hours of sleep. He is now playing with his cars while yawning and rubbing his eyes, but hey, it doesn't matter how damn tired he is because he won't fall asleep.





I'm so happy with my life.

COMMENTS

-

---

Lolita
06:17 Jan 09 2010

How old is he? He looks around 2.... 9 hours straight during the night is quite a good sleep even at that age...



I hope he passes out for you soon!!!

---

POST COMMENT

I've been eating low carb for nearly a week now and I'm going strong... what's in my favor really is that I lack an appetite, I just eat when I'm hungry because I have to, I'd rather go without eating anything... The point is, I felt better from the very first day, more emotionally stable and much more energetic and vivid... that's really what motivates me... though of course weight loss would be welcome...



I need to start excercising too, though how I'm going to find the time to do that is a mystery.



Given my excess energy now I've been going out a lot with Ryan despite the cold, we've been visiting museeums and he loves it... so today we're going to yet another one... There are a lot of them in Stockholm, so much for him to see... We went to the train museeum where they had lots of old trains and buses, they even had a mini train in which you could sit in and ride through the museum which he loved... Yesterday I took him to the music museeum where they had tons of instruments, both old and new, for him to try out... the only bad thing is that we only have time to stay for about an hour and he'd like to stay more than that... sigh



Yesterday while going back from the museeum we passed the theatre and I noticed that they are currently playing one of my favorite books, "Jane Eyre"... "Hamlet" as well... Not to mention I saw a billboard advertising "Dracula - The Musical"... It's pointless trying to explain how badly I'd like to go see these plays, because i won't get the chance to do it anyways. They all start at around 7 PM, a time when I have to be in bed with Ryan... Cause there's no one else, is there? Nope...



Back in High School is where my interest and passion for culture, literature and theater really came to light, I used to love studying it and took all the classes I could in those subjects... In my second year we got an assignment in Swedish class to go see a play and after that I was hooked, myself and a close friend of mine at the time used to go asking our teacher all the time if there were any leftover tickets and it's like he always used to save two for us, happy to see us showing such interest in it... and I remember one of my favorite classes, I had drama for 8 weeks in which we had to create our own play and where it was also obligatory to attend one... I also went to see "Hamlet" during that time... and I'll never forget how at the end of that drama class my teacher gave me an A and strongly encouraged me to apply for drama school...



Sigh, those were good times and I wish I could have them back. In another life drama would be what I'd live for.. .Now I'm stuck in this boring and tiring routine and can't even go to see a play... I know the time will come in a few years when I'll have the chance, but until then I'll just be growing more bitter and unhappy with unfulfilled dreams. That's life for me... And every day I find myself wishing it was different, there's so much I haven't done, so much I want to do... and can't.



Now it's time to make Ryan breakfast... Then I'll have to play with him until noon, then he'll go to nap and let me have an hour to clean and cook before he wakes up, then I'll have to take him to the museum alone again cause I lost all my friends somewhere alonw the way and have no chance of making new ones, and then we have to rush back home to get him to bed in time, then I have to lay there for an hour or more before he falls asleep, and then I'm lucky if I get 2 hours for myself before the has his first night waking. I'm even getting bored of watching series and movies, it's all I do... I finished Prison Break and watched Heroes last night but it's like it's not even relaxing or pleasurable watching it anymore... I'm tired of this... Living up in the clouds, in my dreams, all the time always coming back having to face the tedious reality...



Well like I said... breakfast time....

I miss my life the way it used to be... I was happy then, well at least much happier than I am now. Sigh. Life is just being too hard on me and it's my own fault... As much as I love Ryan I'm not being a good mom, if I had waited until my life was in order I could have been a much better mom... as it is now I feel like I'm messing everything up... What the hell kind of life is this? Living at my mom's without a job, not studying, all alone with a 2 year old, doing the same things day after day with nowhere to go and no one to see... I miss having friends, I miss just being by myself and do things you're supposed to do in this life... I miss having time to worry about things other than how to discipline Ryan or what activities to do with him next... all for him, everything for him, always about him... what about me? I'm just lost... long forgotten... just buried somewhere with Ryan being the only thing keeping me alive... I don't even know how to get out of this mess... maybe if I was more confident, self reliant, independent... more intelligent, ambitious... I don't know... I just wonder for how much longer I can keep this act up...



Yeah...

I'm getting desperate here, I need to find a kindergarten for Ryan pronto... problem is however that it might take weeks or months... I've contacted a few now, well left a message because they don't open until thursday, and I hope they'll phone me...



I'm tired of staying at home with Ryan, he needs more stimulation than I can give him, he needs to be around kids and most of our time at home is just spent doing nothing anyways... It feels like wasting his time, his brain needs more stimulation than I can give him... or so it feels. Plus I need to get out of this too, I'm losing my mind being with him 24/7... I think 2 years is enough, he's gotten a good foundation now it's time to move on... for the best of things...



I try to activate him but how much fun can it be playing the same games with me over and over again, day after day? He's just as tired of me as I am of him... He needs other playmates...



Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh



Just pray that I find a good kindergarten for him soon please... You can only build blocks or go out for walks so many times... He's bored at home most of the time and I don't know what to do... It makes me feel so guilty...



Now I have to take him out to the store, that's a lot of fun considering he could be playing outside with other kids instead. Sigh.

WHYYYYYYYY does he wake up at 6.30 AM when he's slept for less than 10 hours!?



GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Well I'm trying to live up to my new year's resolutions... So I ate a healthy breakfast for the first time in over a year... I'm tired of drowning my sorrows in food, it's not the way to go and it only makes me more miserable so... I miss how healthy I used to be and I need to get back to it.



I woke up grumpy and tired this morning at 6.30 AM when Ryan decided it was time to wake up, even though he was not fully rested. Gah. I can't remember the last time I got to sleep in, oh wait, it was before he was born. Anyways... I let go of my irritation and have now spent most of the morning just playing with him. I need to do that more because I feel like many days pass without me spending any real quality time with him... And now that I'll be putting him in kindergarten soon... We'll I hope I'll find one for him because I can't keep him at home with him anymore, I need to get out of the house and find work and he needs to see that there's a world and friends outside of me and grow more independent... Or... well... I don't know what the best thing is to do really, in a way I like keeping him at home but... I need money, I can't keep living at my mom's so I really have no other choice.



Ryan's favorite game is having me sitting on the floor with him and pretend that he's driving different vehicles, he always puts his special hat on and pretends to driving cars, trucks or whatever... It's really cute... And then whenever we read books he wants to play out the story in the book... He's also getting better at Swedish, I talk to him in Swedish when we read one of his books in Swedish and he understands me perfectly and replies in Swedish as well.



Must go now... He went to the living room to play with his cars, I'm just going to make some coffee and then join him for another hour before his naptime... Bah, I drink coffee because I can have that without sugar, tea is impossible for me to drink without it... unless it's chait tea with soy milk, that's yummy even without sugar...



Estoy hablando demasiado. Voy a preparar una taza de café ahora...



Si, es una otra cosa que tengo que hacer este año... estudiar Español... No quiero olvidar este idioma bonita...

1. Be a better and more patient mom.

2. Take care of myself better by eating healthy and excercise.

3. Practice yoga and meditation.

4. Stop being such a time optimist and be more efficient.

5. Read more books.

6. Study whatever, whenever.

7. Move into my own apartment.

8. Get a job.

9. Get my shit together.

10. Stop being so pessimistic and bitter.

11. Save more money.

12. Believe in myself.

13. Make my dreams come true.

14. Work on my self-esteem and confidence.

15. Sign up for and attend a drama class.

16. Marry Zachary Quinto.





Yep, that's all I can think of right now. Good luck with keeping any of those resolutions... Especially the last one... but I had to write it down. Haha.



♥Zach♥



Back to Prison Break now.