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I have to find my way out of this pit hole.



Now.

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MorganD
05:33 Feb 01 2009

It sounds like you are going through some very trying times. I do not know you so please forgive for being so bold as to comment. The snippet of your personality I have seen in your journal and profile tell me that you have the quality of endurance. Not endurance in the sense of putting up with things, but in terms of the strength that is required to create change in your life. You have demonstrated so much strength in your young life already in the way you accepted responsibility for your little one.



You have already begun the process of changing your life just by recognizing it is time for a change. It never happens overnight but you have started on the path.



Many blessings to you and yours.



"To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly."

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I am so jealous and miserable I can't do anything but cry.



Everyone I know seems to be happy, living the life I always wanted...



An old friend of mine is currently traveling the world, happily in love and with her studies going well... I look at her pictures and cry. I'll never go to India or America, hell I wonder if I'll even go to England at this rate...



I am so fucking unhappy, I can't sink lower than this. Everything about my life is wrong, everything.



There's so much wrong I don't even know at what end to begin untangling this mess I've made for myself. My life is only about trying to get by every day and keep Ryan happy, resisting the temptation of hanging myself...



Dear God.

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FallenPixie
23:40 Jan 29 2009

There's a very famous saying that comes to mind, "When you hit rock bottom, the only way to go from there, is up!"



Don't worry, my dear, I finally get to stick around for a while; and you know I'll always be here to catch you when/if you fall with open arms...

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XxLDRxX
02:02 Jan 30 2009

Ya that is very true and I have seen it happen more times then I care to mention in my own life.

So keep your chin up, once you do hit the bottonm there is no where else to go but up just keep that in mind.

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Czekolada
09:26 Feb 01 2009

Förstår att du blir avundsjuk på andras liv. De flesta verkar verkligen leva livet just nu. Vill dock påpeka en sak... Att gräset kanske verkar vara grönare på andra sidan, men inte alltid är det.



Det gör mig glad att verkar vilja kämpa för att förändra ditt liv. Jag VET att du klarar det. You can do it, honey! Never give up :*

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I used to be pretty.



Not sexy or gorgeous, but pretty.



Not skinny, but slim enough.



I wasn't happy with how I looked back then, now I'd give anything to look like that again.



What happened to me?



I don't take care of myself anymore, not at all... That's what happened... And these are the consequences.



Now I'm just an ugly, fat mother.

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Maledicta
12:44 Jan 29 2009

Please don't take offence at this, but if your child picks up on you thinking this type of thing about yourself, it will cause all kinds of self-esteem issues in them. Trust me on this, I've had personal experience of it. As I was growing up, my mother constantly kept moaning about how she thought she was fat, ugly or whatever, and I have the exact same issues myself now. No matter how many times someone tells me otherwise, I can't believe them and end up pushing them away. Please don't let your child hear you saying this kind of thing (especially as it's not true) or it will affect their adult life.

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FallenPixie
23:35 Jan 29 2009

You'll never be fat and ugly...I'm so sorry I haven't been around enough to keep your esteem up. If I remember correctly, I was pretty good at it :-). Please, please know that you ARE beautiful, inside AND out!

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Ryan is not in his best mood this evening and neither am I.



I'm just so tired of everything, of living here, of never affording anything, of never having enough time, of always being lonely, of never getting anything done...



It's 8 PM now, Ryan won't go to sleep for another 3 hours, not that it matters... but Yendor is sleeping now and it makes me feel even lonelier.



On top of it all I lost my notice from the post office, so I don't know how the hell I'm gonna get my dictionary now... It arrived yesterday...



*sigh*



And Ryan just loves watching those damn videos.

I'm beginning to have second thoughts about leaving Ryan at the kindergarten... Well, every time I'm about to leave him there I do... He cries like crazy for me as soon as he realizes where he's going. I'm only leaving him there for 2 hours but still... I feel so incredibly guilty and worried, as soon as I leave I just start crying.



At least he's connected with one of the care givers, he calms down with her and she takes good care of him. As soon as I'm out of sight he calms down and she says he smiles and plays there.



I don't know... I thought I would be able to finally relax and appreciate the break from him, but I don't. Even as I sit here trying to take it easy my mind keeps going back to him. I miss him desperately and I want him here...



I got most of the house decently cleaned though during this time, something that rarely happens otherwise.



*sigh*



Am I really doing the right thing here?

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NightBlossom
12:08 Jan 28 2009

YES!

Its a great thing. Even if its only for two hours you're doing Ryan a world of good!

Even though you're feeling bad about it now, you will get used to it with a little bit of time. You said yourself that you barely have time to wash the dishes before he notices you're gone and wants you near him. Leaving him at kindergarten will teach him to be a bit more self reliant and give you more free time when he's at home. Not to mention there are other kids and people there that he can play with. This will help develop his personality, his speech, etc.



I think what you're doing for yourself and your baby is a great idea.

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Bloodmother
19:24 Jan 28 2009

I agree with NightBlossom. I actually snuck back to daycare to spy - more than once. My kid was always happily engaged in some activity, even like 30 seconds later! What happened to those tears and desperate clinging?



Kids are like dogs. They adapt and start looking for their next meal.



Letting go never ends. My son informed me last week that he is going to go on "tour" this summer with his band. I asked for the last name of the guy who's arranging the gigs and he didn't know it!!!???!!!



Told him I had to have the guys last name and his cell phone number and the guy's parent's name and their numbers.



I could feel the bristling resentment leap across the cell towers mobile-to-mobile. Am I being unreasonable?

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XxLDRxX
02:10 Jan 30 2009

Some great advice here ....has already been stated . Adora we need the interactions as mothers just as much as our child need that interaction with other children. Sure they are going to cry and not want to go, because it is a change something that they are not used to. My 11 year old used to cry every day i would drop him off to daycare for like the first month and every day I would feel horrible. But they do adapt. They find a new interests something to occupy their minds.



Our children pick up on our emotions very well. We as mothers have that bond with our children. so I am sure he senses it in your which may often be the reason for the reactiosn that you get. Hang in there. If your unhappy with you choice in life then change it. Only you have the choice to do it no one else can make that choice for you.

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Hallelujah!



Ryan has finally discovered the joy of sitting in a stroller.



Now I just hope he won't come to prefer that to walking...

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DarkWolfman
23:16 Jan 27 2009

He'll be driving it himself soon

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Does anyone watch "Lost" anymore?



I watched the first two episodes of the season and I must say... I still love it.



Although I admit the previous seasons were better... but it's like that with everything.



I'm dying to watch the next episode!

My fingers are itching...



I need to buy more books for Ryan!



As his mother it's my obligation to encourage his love for reading...



Oh geez, who am I kidding?



The child in me wants these books.



Now!

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Joli
00:15 Jan 27 2009

At his age, he'll be just as happy with the repetition of the same favorite books. And there is great evidence to show that the repetition is supporting his growing brain. He's hearing speech patterns and making language, picture, and syntax connections.



Trust me, he's not bored with those same stories...give him the lovely Mother Goose nursery rhymes and playful rhyming sounds right now like Dr Seuss and Goodnight Moon. Read them over and over and over again. then...read them again! He'll be delighted. To him, it's akin to studying and re-reading a favorite Shakespeare play until it's mastered.



You worry too much, mom. You are doing so much better than you think you are. Relax and snuggle up with that pumpkin with his favorite worn out copy of some book you both love :)

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It's frustrating that I barely have time to do the dishes before Ryan notices my absence...



Thank God for the internet, if I didn't know there are others out there with babies like mine I would probably have lost my mind already.



I know he'll grow out of it, sooner or later... just like he outgrew his bottles. I'll probably end up missing these times... I already miss feeding him his milk before bed. I didn't used to be able to lay him down at all when he was younger, now I can at least sneak out of the bed for an hour... Soon he won't want to nurse anymore and he'll ask me for his own bed.



My little boy, not so little anymore...



It's annoying though, I know he'll wake up hungry and I haven't been able to prepare dinner yet... I'll have to do it in a rush as usual. I hate stressing yet I always end up doing it.



I really don't know how to manage anymore, today I wrote a dinner list for the whole week and went shopping according to it while Ryan was at the kindergarten... At least now I can rest my mind that I have food at home.



I need inspiration though, I feel like I'm cooking the same thing all the time... As much as Yendor loves his lasagna and Ryan his cottage pie, it's getting old... Today I'm going to prepare a veggie/tomato sauce with curry and rice... I'm starting to give Ryan wholewheat foods now rather than white.... If there's anything important to me it's to make sure that he eats healthily and well.



I'm still waiting for my CAE dictionary online and Yendor is supposed to print some books for me... it's the end of January and I'm getting nowhere with anything, days just seem to pass so quickly...



*sigh*



Soon it will be the end of the year and I will have done nothing, I'll grow old having done nothing.



Blah, now I'm getting depressive again, better stop thinking and typing... now.

Well I'm lucky it seems...



It's not a fracture and the foot felt much better this morning. I still can't walk normally but at least the foot can handle a little bit of pressure...



Ryan cried when I left him at the kindergarten this morning but I called and he was fine after awhile... Playing and even laughing a little from what I heard... Although he's aware that I'm not there and is still bothered by all the noise. He's being taken care of well though, today I found him reading a book in the quiet corner together with one of the care takers.



He's napping now, a bit later than usual so I'm going to have to wake him up in an hour or so... He slept an amazing 10 hours last night though as opposed to his usual 8-9... Which probably explains why he was up for a bit longer this morning.



I'm off to do some cleaning now, the house is a mess as usual and I can't stand it. I do my best trying to keep things in order but it's impossible... To begin with I've never been a clean, organized person (although I prefer having things clean and organized around me) and second of all... having Ryan around doesn't make it easier, although it is MUCH easier now that he's walking and plays more independently. I remember when I had to walk him everywhere...



Better go now.

I really hope this is not a fracture, that would be disastrous. I just read that healing a fracture could take up to 6 weeks... I'm praying for it to have passed by tomorrow!



I'm lucky that Ryan went to sleep an hour earlier than usual, he seemed very tired and at least spared me the frustration of having to carry him while hopping on one leg.



As for tomorrow... Yendor will have to take Ryan for the grocery shopping and then we're taking him to the kindergarten while we go to get my X-ray.



My foot seems to be getting worse, when I fell I didn't really feel it much... I felt a slight pain at the side of my foot but could still walk and everything. Then I had a nap with Ryan and woke up with my foot hurting and being unable to stand on it... but it was still mainly in one area, now the whole foot seems to be swollen and pulsating. It's so tender I can barely move it.



I'm going to go to sleep soon hoping that it will all magically go away during the night...



Otherwise I'm in for a hell of a day tomorrow, being alone with Ryan...



Speaking of the little "angel", he's begun to refuse his bath time... The last few days he just doesn't seem interested in it and if I try to put him in the tub he protests. It makes it kind of difficult to define bed time as he refuses to let me brush his teeth as well... I barely get to put his pajama on. The only thing that we still do is read books.



I finished my tea now, time for bed...

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Czekolada
09:16 Jan 26 2009

Men stackars gumman! Det där låter lite som om du kan ha fått en spricka.. Annars är det rätt naturligt att det inte gör så ont först. Så länge foten är varm, känner man inte lika mkt.



Hoppas, hoppas att det bara är en stukning! Jag håller tummarna för dig nu. :*

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Well now I've done it.



I might have fractured my foot, this morning as we were going to the park I tripped on the sidewalk, fell and hurt my knee and foot... while holding Ryan in my arms. Luckily I managed to keep Ryan from getting hurt though...



We went to the clinic tonight and they bandaged my foot but I have to go back in the morning for an X-ray... I can't walk on it at all, it's swollen and really tender... I have to hop around the house on one leg.



*sigh*



I don't know how the hell I'm going to manage with Ryan being unable to walk, Yendor has to go to work and there's no one I can ask for help either...



Fucking great.

I'm stuck watching Baby Einstein again...



Yep...



Store closes in half an hour, I'm not dressed yet and there's no milk at home.



Why doesn't Ryan understand these things?



Gah!



I don't mind him watching a video for a couple of minutes... It's just that I'm scared of him getting stuck in front of it as he gets older, I don't want to have to tear him away from the screen every day and make him go out in the park or play with his toys...



God knows I have enough trouble trying to drag Yendor away from the PC, having to do the same with Ryan would be a nightmare. I just don't want to see that happening but Yendor obviously doesn't share my concern and it pisses me off... Now I'm just waiting for the day when Ryan will start talking and nagging me about watching TV and I'll have to be the evil mom to tell him no.



*sigh*



Whyyyyyyyyy???



Damnit I need milk.

I think I'm done experimenting with Ryan's bedtime hours, it's useless. The more I try to make him sleep, the less he sleeps...



The other day he slept for 8 hours at night and only napped for an hour during the day, by 7 PM he was totally out... For the night, I assumed but nooo... After an hour he woke up and stayed awake until midnight... Which basically means on the whole he was up for 14 hours that day.



So I'm just gonna accept that he never has and probably never will sleep as much as babies his age *should* be... And live with the fact that he keeps me up until 11 PM.



Right now he's having his nap and I should be cleaning cause there's a mess here, the past few days he has been too fussy and I've been too tired to do anything... And the result is obvious.



I'm also beginning to realize that him being fussy and difficult isn't necessarily my fault... He has good and bad days, mostly bad, but apparently the 2-3 months after his first birthday this is what you can expect of a toddler... It's an age of disharmony from what I read and he'll probably give me a hell of a time for the next coming 6 months.



Is there ever anything easy when it comes to raising a child?



He seems to be doing fine at the kindergarden... This week I've been leaving him there for an hour each morning, yesterday he cried because I made the mistake of letting him see me leaving... but the other times the care taker has simply taken him in to the other children and he's been playing there calmly... She said that she's surprised at how little he cries... Which is good I suppose. The thing that makes him cry is when another child takes whatever he's playing with away from him or when there's too much noise around him... but he's getting used to it. Whenever I pick him up he cries a bit at first when he sees me, then immediately calms down when I take him out again...



I'm not noticing any difference in his behavior, he's as fussy as usual so I'm guess going there is doing him good. I have to admit though I go crazy with worry during that hour away from him... I thought I'd relax and catch my breath but all I do is miss him and die to go back there and get him. It's strange not having him around... I don't like that feeling of emptiness.



He's not taking his bottle anymore either, since he got sick he simply stopped... I don't know why or how but he refuses to take it before sleep now, and who am I to make him do it? He's slowly getting around to eating at mealtimes... especially his breakfast porridge, he gobbles it. Another thing which he absolutely LOVES are smoothies... Whenever I go to the store with him and he sees it, he goes crazy and demands to have it... :P



I'm going to go clean now the half an hour I have left before he'll wake up looking for me... Then I'm considering either napping a bit with him or watching the new episode of "Lost"...



Hmmm...



I miss Charlie though. :P

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birra
18:20 Jan 23 2009

Yes, there are some parts of raising a child that are easy.



Get yourself a good digital camera and take pictures liberally... easy. And you will look back on those memories fondly.



If he's having a bad day, find something he enjoys playing with and start playing with it in front of him. He will probably come over to see what you're doing and settle down at the same time. Then sit on the floor playing as long as he wants to. Easy.



Work him into a bed-time rotine. Same time every night. He needs to go to bed and stay in bed. Indulging his lack of consistency now will make bedtime a LOT harder in the future.

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Damn Yendor!



Ryan has some "Baby Einstein" videos which he lets him watch a few times a week...



Well right now I'm stuck with him here refusing to stop watching.



He toddles over to the PC and says "Baby!"...



I hate watching TV with him because I feel like it's a waste of time, we could do something more bonding andeducational like reading books...



*sigh*



I'm trying to figure out a way to take him away from here.

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DireConsequences
01:37 Jan 23 2009

Just a suggestion, since he likes it so much, why not encourage it in a way you both will both enjoy and love?



Baby Einstein has books out too. Check out E-bay for some deals when you have a few extra dollars!

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So my plan backfired...



Yendor didn't wake us up this morning, but Ryan only napped for 2 hours instead of 3... He slept 8 hours last night.



The idea was for him to be sleeping by 9, 9.30 PM at least...



Well, he ended up being even MORE energetic while I was totally out. I actually dozed off in the bath tub with him...



We were in bed all three, I kept falling in and out of sleep while Ryan roamed around and Yendor tried to keep him in control.



Now I woke up at 3 AM and have no idea what just happened and how the hell I fell asleep...



Gah!



Now I'm considering waking him up early... Or maybe I should just let him be... but it's just SO frustrating having him sleeping so little and late at night!!! Most often I am too tired to do anything else once he's fallen asleep, so I just fall asleep as well and wake up to another day without having gotten anything done...



*sigh*



I better get back to bed, I am so tired... it's like I'm always tired, I never feel fully rested. I think I need more sleep than Ryan does, geez...

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DireConsequences
10:18 Jan 21 2009

I hope you get his sleep schedule straightened out!



When Aurora gets off of her's from her teeth bothering her, we usually start putting her to bed 30 minutes from the time she went to sleep the night before.



She usually sleeps from 8:30 or 9 p.m. until I wake her up about 8 or 8:30 a.m. She only wakes up about once or twice during the night.



Her teeth have been bothering her for the past three days. *sighs* It's one of her bottom front teeth coming in. She's giving me problems on eating and sleeping because of it.

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Btw,



Anyone has any suggestions for healthy toddler snacks?



Ryan won't eat at mealtimes by the table, he just fusses, so I end up having to give him snacks throughout the day... bad habit but what can I do? It's useless trying to explain the importance of eating breakfast to a 15 month old...

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LoveXStarr
00:48 Jan 20 2009

Cereal(especially cheerio's, they're a recommended snack)



Gerber graduates snacks, they have puffed grain snacks, little meals for them. The meals are balanced with a carb type item, veggies, and a meat type thing. They're all very healthy. Gerber has this new-ish start healthy stay healthy system. Go to www.starthealthystayhealthy.com for even more tips.



Canned or dried fruit. (canned fruit, open them up and drain them, hand them over! dried, you can put them in a plastic container and he's set)



Apple wedges, oranges. (need to be segmented, but still quick and healthy)



Carrots, celery, grapes. (take them right out of the package quick rinse and hand them over)



Animal crackers. (about 16 of them make a serving, plenty for a toddler and they're fat free, come in regular or chocolate)



I'm not sure if you're looking for snack foods, or foods that can be made into snacks. All of these foods require little or no preparation. You can get apples already wedged, in sealed packages in the produce department of most grocery stores.



I know that since you're a mother, you're expected to have a meal ready in .5 seconds.



I'll have to think some more, but that should be a good start.

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I feel good, what else is there to say, what else matters?



I've had a long, nice day and I feel good.



Now I better go to sleep because tomorrow might be a bit more frustrating... I asked Yendor to wake us up at 7 AM, 1 hour before Ryan usually wakes up... And then I'm planning on only letting him nap for 2 hours, not 3. Basically I might be dealing with a tired and cranky boy tomorrow but I need to change his sleep pattern, I'm tired of him sleeping the afternoon away and staying up until 11 PM. I hope to get him used to going to bed at 8 PM, sleep until 7 Am and only nap for an hour or two... It makes more sense.



Anyway... It means I need to wake up in less than 6 hours.



Good luck...



We went to see a childcare center in our area today and Ryan gave me a positive surprise... we left him playing with the other children while talking too the care taker and he didn't even seem to notice our absence. He played for half an hour and could easily have stayed more if it hadn't been for him being tired...



The place was small, didn't really have the best supply of toys and it wasn't very modern... but it's very affordable and felt so genuine, the women there seemed to love taking care of the kids. I have a good feeling about it and Ryan seemed to feel comfortable there...



So I'm gonna start by letting him stay there for an hour each morning, then if everything goes well increase it to two and eventually 3. I'm positive this is the best thing to do for both of us at this stage, I need grown up time, he needs a social environment and stimulation that I can't always give him...



We'll see, we'll see.



I want to wake up in the morning and feel as good about life as I do now... I must, it's such a pleasurable feeling.



I've decided to make a better effort at building my self confidence... I'm just trying to figure out how. I'm starting by each day write down 3 things I've accomplished that day and 3 positive things about myself... And things I promise to do for myself.



Maybe I'll finally get somewhere in life.



Did I mention I need to go to sleep?



Yeah... I probably should.

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Joli
00:32 Jan 20 2009

You're doing well, mom! Go get em!

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I seem to be unable to move past my childhood self and evolve into what should be me today, a strong, confident and independent woman.



I constantly find myself looking into the eyes of a shy, insecure little fat girl who always wants to do so much believing she can't do anything.



No matter how much I try to bury that part and leave it behind me, let it gather dust and eventually just die out... I end up just nurturing it more. I don't know how to let go, I've tried to just put a smile on my face, believe I can do anything and wander off feeling good about myself. But it's all just a facade, something I do to find the strength to live through the day.



Nothing ever changes the fact that I've always been so horribly introverted, lonely, pathetic, self doubting...



When I say that I feel fat or look fat, whether I am in reality or not, that's not really what bothers me. I should be able to stand strong no matter my body shape... but I can't. So I blame everything on me being fat, constantly diet and imagine myself thin and beautiful... Fooling myself that everything will be alright if I just lose those 10 kgs.



It won't be alright though, it will never be.



This morning I saw two girls at the playground, around 11 or 12 years old and one of which reminded me of myself at that age. She was not particularly cute and a bit chubby. Her friend was the one I always wanted to be... The skinny, pretty girl who could do gymnastics and always made the boys look twice.



I don't understand... why must I be like this? My low self esteem is rooted so deeply I can't pick myself up no matter how much I try.



What scares me is that I'll never get anything done in life as long as I keep feeling like this. Something can feel momentarily possible... but I soon fall back into the pit hole thinking what an idiot I am to believe I could ever achieve this.



It just goes on and on and on and on...



As a child I used to think I couldn't dance or sing, as a teenager I never believed I could play the flute so I always failed at it and gave up practicing before I even began... My mind was already set that I was too stupid to understand math, I could never be one of the popular ones, I would never be thin like them, the only thing I WAS good at was English but now... I keep thinking I'll never pass the CAE, what the hell am I doing? I'll never be a good mother, I'll never find work...



I know that thinking negatively is not the way to go on about stuff, you need to get back on the high horse and all that... but I can't. I'm haunted by my child self telling me how stupid I am. In fact the reason why I don't have any friends is because I believe I'm too ugly and uninteresting to be liked by anyone. I can't open my mouth in public, I'm so shy and afraid of being eaten alive.



I need help, please God, I need help.

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deathnitegrl
14:01 Jan 18 2009

We're the same in this too!

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Czekolada
09:19 Jan 20 2009

You do have friends... You have ME!

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Two days ago I began with my nightly yoga routine...



And suddenly, things seem to be lightning up... It will get better, it will.



All I needed to do was to release my emotions.

Fact of the day:



Being unhappy makes you incredibly irritable.



As if that wasn't enough I'm too stressed out and my headache won't pass despite a regular intake of paracetamol.



GAH!

Ryan is feeling much better, he slept well last night and doesn't seem to have anything bothering him anymore...



However, I'm still feeling the same. I have a constant headache, runny nose, cough and all that... The worst thing though is the lack of appetite, I can't bring myself to eat anything and I don't like the idea of losing weight because I've starved. If I'm gonna lose weigh I'm going to do it the healthy way...



I'm also sick and tired of arguing with Yendor. It happens on a daily basis now and everyday I seem to get angry with him several times... It's tearing on me, I don't know what happened but... It can't go on like this, it's not good for Ryan.



I need to figure out why Ryan is so fussy as well... He is extremely fussy, people sometimes ask me what's wrong with him because most of the time he whines for one reason or another... And the worst thing is that I don't know! I'm done thinking he's hungry or tired, he can't be that ALL the time! Is he feeling stressed out? Not getting enough attention? Feeling uneasy? I try to pay as much attention to him as I can... Most of the day he's in my arms pointing me towards things he wants to see or do. When he's playing on the floor he prefers having me with him there, though he can play alone for a few minutes... He wakes up crying most days, even when I'm by his side, and I just don't understand why.



True, he was a very fussy baby. Difficult to soothe, refusing to be out of my arms most of the time, not wanting to sleep alone, always wanting to breastfeed, demanding constant attention... So perhaps it's just a part of who he is combined with the changes happening to him at this age.



God, I've been blessed with a very difficult child.



Am I doing something wrong?



Well, all this makes me lose patience with him more than I'd like to... And I hate that. I end up not enjoying much of the time I spend with him, I want to LOVE being with him like other mothers do! I try to initiate different games at different times during the days, but most times he just fusses... Now he toddled over to Yendor who was sleeping in the bedroom, he was talking happily there while I wrote this... though now I can hear he's beginning to fuss, probably calling for me.



I'm so tired... I'm especially tired of not getting any help. How am I ever going to feel confident sending him to kindergarten anyways? I have no friends, no grandparents, no other relatives who visit and play with him... I'm just breaking down.



Have to go now, Ryan is on his way.

Something's wrong when what's supposed to be the happiest time of your life, is not.



And I'm standing here powerless of my own life.

Ryan is still very sick, there's no sign of improvement... Last night he kept waking up crying like he hasn't done since he was a baby... as a result he's been sleeping most of the day, the couple of hours he's been awake he's just read a few books, whined, nursed and clinged to me.



I'm not feeling any better either, only worse... my nausea is not as bad but the thought of food makes me want to throw up... My head is spinning and aching, my nose is full of boogers and I'm too weak to do anything...



*sigh*



Yet I find it difficult to sleep so I'm just wasting my time watching movies.

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Joli
18:56 Jan 11 2009

Plug on, Mom. These are looooonnng nights, but you get some baby snuggle time because your body has said it's time for a break. Watching TV and reading is allowed. Housekeeping and the like is NOT. I'm praying for your speedy recovery.

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DireConsequences
08:30 Jan 12 2009

I'm hoping you and Ryan both get better quick! I know how demanding Aurora can be when she sick and awake during a few short hours on those days. It's a lot worse when you're down yourself. Drink some warm tea if you can. That always helps me feel better!



And I hate waking up from the dreams too. I wish for a couple of days where everything is right where I want it to be and nothing happens out of place.



I honestly don't think I was meant to be a stay at home mom!

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The only thing that keeps me going is Ryan's love for me.



I've changed my whole life for the worst, for his best.



I made a wrong turn in life and now he's here, the only right thing that came out of it...



He's the good thing in a mud of misery and therefore... I can't allow myself to sink, no matter how badly I wish to.



However there's a difference between being alive and being alive...



I can promise to keep myself alive, but I can't promise that I'll ever feel alive again.



As far as I'm concerned, my life is over.



The End



PS: Ryan seems to have passed on the virus to me, I'm sitting here depressed with a headache, sore throat and the beginning of a runny nose.



Oh joy.

Ryan is still sick.



He seemed to be doing well yesterday despite a runny nose, coughing and being less energetic.



However, last night he kept waking up crying and now he's been pretty much crying or nursing for two hours... I took his temperature and it's 38,8 C...



He just fell back asleep but I can't leave his side because he wakes up too easily.



When Yendor comes home fro work we're gonna take him to the doctor.



I hate seeing my baby, the only joy I have left in life, in pain.



:(

Well, you're lucky... I just remembered I had some pictures from Sweden...None from outside though, must remember that next time...



































There, I think you've had enough for now...

My poor baby is sick...

He didn't show any signs of it last night but this morning he woke up with a fever, coughing and throwing up. He fell back asleep after only an hour awake, slept for half an hour... was up for 3 hours and now drifted back to sleep. He's really fussy and barely wants to do anything but stay in my arms.



:(



On a positive note, I've gotten much cleaning done and I'm even baking...



But I miss my energetic, playful little boy.



*sigh*

I'm going to begin my Spanish studies by reading "Twilight" in that language...



:)



Ryan woke up now.

You know something's wrong when I don't feel like shopping.



Damn this is depressing.



I need to make more money, pronto!

So with all the stress of what needs to be done this year I've made a flexible schedule for myself...



Basically, I need to somehow squeeze all this in while Ryan sleep.



My goal is to do the following every day:



1 hour CAE studies

30 minutes language studies (read a Spanish newspaper, learn one new word, just SOMETHING)

1-2 hours working on my business

15-30 minutes yoga



Not to mention cleaning and taking showers... And having at least 30 minutes to do things like ranting in my journal... And another half an hour for reading...



It means I need about 4-5 hours a day to manage this...



I'm just gonna have to cut down on my sleep.

I just realized we have no decent photos of Ryan's Christmases, our visits to Sweden or his first birthday (Yendor only filmed a bit)



This is a disgrace!!!



What will he say when he grows up??



Damn it, damn my lousy... just damn me!!

I wanted to post 2 videos of Ryan here but since I can't get the link for them for some reason...



You can look them up at dailymotion, username "Annerita" if you'd like to. :)

Ok, so these photos aren't really much to cheer about... First of all they're taken with my mobile because at the time I didn't have batteries for my camera... Yeah, on Christmas Eve I didn't have batteries for the camera... (Not to mention I had not time to wash my hair and dress nicely so there are obviously no pictures of me with Ryan or anything like that...) *sigh*



I often feel bad about not having enough pictures of Ryan or the exact dates of his first smile, his first tooth and all that... That baby book just lays there on top of the drawer haunting me... I want to have written down every single thing, I've never been good at doing stuff like that but I want to do it for Ryan... And well... Seems like I've failed, haven't I? I only know when his first laugh was and his first steps... and when he began walking, that's how far my memory goes. I feel like an awful mother now... Eh... Back to the pictures.



I proooomise I'll be taking more pictures with my camera...









Ryan swinging...







"Vacuuming" his room :P







Holding a very annoying toy on Christmas day... It was awfully loud for him so he doesn't really play with it.







An attempt to a nice Christmas tree







A very modest, Polish Christmas table







I love letting him go crazy with finger paint!



:)



More to come...

COMMENTS

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sahahria
12:35 Jan 07 2009

So adoreable! :D

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mysticwinds
16:37 Jan 07 2009

Where has time went? He is growing up so fast!!!

What a beautiful child.

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Czekolada
21:30 Jan 07 2009

Det var inget försök till julgran; det var en jättefin julgran! En julgran är alltid en fin julgran om den är gjord med kärlek! Så det så!



Underbara Ryan, vad snabbt han växer upp.. Jag vill träffa honom igen snart. O dig med.

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I know I said I don't find "Heroes" as enthralling (I didn't even know I had that word in my vocabulary) as it used to be... but... Ok, I'll confess I'm dying for the next season to begin now because I'm having Milo a.k.a Peter withdrawals...



He's the sexiest actor since Gerard Butler ♥



Ok, I don't even know why I'm talking about this.

I was just going to mention that I'm up in the middle of the night again, unable to sleep for the time being, so I'm (finally) uploading some pictures.



Wait and see...

Hmm.



I'm sitting here in the middle of the night reading... mostly because I'm dying to and there's no time during the day.



Is that normal behavior?



Damn it, no matter what I'm always stressed out and feel like there's no time.



Ryan can sign for "pig", "duck" and "bunny" now as well :) He can also touch some parts of his body when I ask him to!



I'm still working on uploading those pictures... like I said, no time. What happens is that I have a full list of things I need and want to get done, I get so stressed about it that I end up not using the time I get well... And the list just grows.



*sigh*



I probably should go back to sleep now though, I've already lost 2 hours of sleep... and I have another busy day, alone with Ryan ahead of me.



Must order self study books for CAE before I go to sleep though... I've been meaning to do it forever... must...now.



And Choco... jag alskar dig mest i hela varlden.

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Czekolada
10:29 Jan 06 2009

Jag älskar dig med, min söta underbara vän! :*

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Sometimes I wonder if I have it in me to be a mother.



Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to change.



Sometimes... I wonder if I'm ever going to be happy and be able to really look at things positively.



I wish I would just stop being so jealous of others and wishing for another life, and instead focus on making my own better.



Yeah... but wishing isn't doing, is it?

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Czekolada
21:26 Jan 05 2009

Unfortunately no, it isn't...

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Oh, I'm watching "Anne of Green Gables" btw, I can't believe I've never watched the movies before... I read all the book of the series as a child and they are my absolute favorite books from that time!



Beautiful story... If I ever find the time I'll have to read the books again.

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Czekolada
17:40 Jan 04 2009

Åh, jag älskade Anne på Grönkulla när jag var yngre. Jag läste typ 8 av 9 böcker (med gammalsvenska, för det var mammas böcker sedan hon var liten) o jag såg filmerna innan jag läste böckerna... De är SJUKT bra o du måste verkligen läsa dem igen! Skulle jag också göra egentligen... men var finns tiden? :/

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Ryan is adorable!



His fascination with the washing machine astounds me... This morning he was, like always, insisting on washing clothes... Since I had no space where to hand them, I tried to tell him that we couldn't wash today... try to make a 1 year old understand that.



So we went to the kitchen were I got busy hanging the clothes from yesterday's washing and suddenly Ryan disappears.



As he reappears... He has toddled all the way to the bathroom by himself and back to the kitchen, carrying the detergent with him, waving it at me and babbling to try and make me understand what he wanted.



So, how could I resist washing another load of clothes?



He is really becoming so expressive and good at letting me know what he wants... I'm constantly amazed now by how quickly he learns. He's even learned a few signs if you can call them that... He can sign for "elephant", "dog", "lizard", "horse" and "enough"...



Every day I try to introduce a new sign to him and he picks up on it so quickly if he's in the mood to.



Anyway...



It was difficult putting him to sleep tonight, he was so energetic... I spent 2 hours trying and he kept resisting... Now I'm really tired but as usual I need to stay up and do some things... Although the time I get is not nearly enough, and now I'm going to attempt finding time to exercise as well?? Haha... But I must.



Better go now...

Let me just cut the crap and spill out what I need to do in my life this year and the next, I'm tired of feeling like it's going to waste.



I don't want to be a stay at home mother for the rest of my life. I want to work, study and travel... while raising my children. I'm not content spending my life just being with Ryan, I'm just not.



And I'm sure as hell not happy living with a poor economy. I can't stand living without affording to buy myself clothes for one. So call me a materialist, I probably am one.



I need to move back to Sweden because that's where I feel I have more opportunities.



Before I met Yendor I was toying with the idea of working as an au pair for a year somewhere... I wish I had, dammit. I love travelling, I want to travel, I'm tired of being stuck here.



Thirdly I HAVE TO stop hating myself, and by doing that start respecting my body.



Things have got to change or you all will have put up with my depressive complaining for the rest of my existence, ha ha.

I was going to type down a whole essay before the beginning of this year, but I fell asleep with Ryan at 10PM on New year's eve so...



I'm just going to make a list.



1. Exercise more

2. Try to practice Yoga a few minutes every day

3. Care more for myself

4. Be successful at work and earn money

5. Take the CAE exam

6. Pick up my language studies

7. Learn to love myself

8. Prepare to move back home

9. Have sex again

10. Be more patient and calm, especially with Ryan

11. Read "Great Expectations" and other "must read" books...

12. Lose weight

13. Become the owner of a decent wardrobe

14. Practice on being more confident and outspoken

15. Call my mom and sister more often

16. Spend more time with my best friend before we grow apart...



17. Put a fire up my ass and fulfill all these things this year.



I think that's all for now...

COMMENTS

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Czekolada
17:43 Jan 04 2009

Ja, vi borde verkligen jobba på nr 17... :(



För övrigt tycker jag det verkar som om du har vettiga nyårslöften. Hoppas att orkar med att avverka en del av dem... Själv har jag nogin te så många löften. Ska nog mest vänta ut tiden...

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