I wish I was in Japan10:41 Feb 06 2008
Times Read: 763
I am having a major depressive moment...
I feel like I've lost a part of my youth already, and the other part is about to be lost as well.
I spent my whole teenage years going from depressed to anorectic, to suffering a bit of bulimia to panic attacks, and back to being depressed again. Due to this my high school years sucked, I ended up even taking a year off resulting in me not even graduating with my own classmates, only to spend my senior year alone...
Depressed as I was I didn't go out much either, I didn't have much friends, I didn't travel anywhere apart from a 4 day trip to London which honestly could have been MUCH better.
I lived for the times I met up with my best friend.
She lives a few hours away from Stockholm which means we could only meet up about 4-5 times a year...
The rest of the time I spent online, doing what? What did I do online all those years that has payed off in anyway today? Do I still have friends from that time? No.
Well, maybe a few who I chat with from time to time, but no one I can really talk to, no one I feel close to, no one who makes me happy.
Where is my Yummy Queen?
She was the one person online who I feel I got truly connected with, and now she's gone.
What's the point in spending time online anymore? I have no one to talk to, those I do talk to I don't have the time or energy to talk to for more than a few messages back and forth because I feel like what's the use of building a strong relationship with someone who I can't ever meet anyway? Who can fade away at anytime and leave me her alone, once again.
And then, I met Yendor.
Well, FINALLY, something happend in my life...
But I didn't imagine it would end up STOPPING my life.
I love him, I like Malta, fine, all good, but this is no place I imagined spending the rest of my life in.
Then we had Ryan.
Too early, too soon.
I have to spend most of the time taking care of him now and don't get me wrong, I do enjoy it, I love him, but where is ME?
I have no time for ME, when I get time for ME I have to sleep.
I am now stuck in Malta in a life I would prefer having much later, I am still young. I am not ready to be a housewife.
I want to travel. I want to see the world. I want to experience things.
Now, I can't.
I love Ryan, I just wish he had come at a later stage in my life where I felt satisfied with what I have accomplished so far.
What have I accomplished now?
Nothing.
I have done NOTHING which makes me feel like my life is worthwhile.
How am I going to continue living here feeling like this?
I do nothing during the days... Clean, cook, oh joy I am so thrilled.
Now Yendor is working most of the time so that I can afford to clean and cook.
And he is the only company I have which I feel close to..
I don't have any friends here, no one to meet, no one to take a coffee with, no one I trust,
what have I done?
I miss Sweden, I miss the few friends I have there, I miss my family.
But then again, what would I do there?
I wouldn't have the money to do anything I want to.
Studying? I have no motivation for that, I don't see the point.
And I still feel depressed.
I feel like a horrible person.
I wish I was someone else.
I am going to be either dead or mentally insane by the end of this year.
COMMENTS
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LadyKowe
09:20 Feb 09 2008
I only breastfed for one month, hun.
You're not a useless mother. There is NOTHING wrong with using formula to feed a baby...my son is living proof of that.
Skjaldepigen
00:17 Feb 15 2008
Relax lina. Lots of mothers do not breast feed. I have a friend who could not breastfeed because of some medication she had to take, and another friend of mine did not want to. There is not much difference to formula or all natural.
He as antibodies from you without breastmilk so try not to worry to much, eventhough it is hard.