19:02 Dec 20 2009
Times Read: 749
Another difficult day, another paranoid day, another day with a cranky 2 year old, another lonely day, another pointless day, another fight with my mom, another time to be riddiculed, another fall down, another escape plan, another realization of cowardice, another failure, another day of hopelessness... And it goes on, and on, and on.
My life has become nothing but a series of tragic events, sometimes lightened by the short lasting good moments with Ryan, and yet again I find myself in a position where I wonder how the hell I'm going to get through life, if I'm going to get through it, and if not, how do I end it?
I've been sucked down in such a deep emotional mess it would probably take the rest of my life to dig myself out of it. What's worse is I'm dragging Ryan right down with me, for how can I be a good mom to him and provide him with the stability I myself don't even have?
I get so jealous of other families, happy families with both parents in check, normal parents, with normal, loving relatives. Parents who can provide their kids with a predictable, secure, loving, stable environment. I can give Ryan my love but how far will he go with that? Especially since I lose my patience and shout at him from time to time.
I get so ANGRY because I got myself in this situation with no way out, because there is no way out. How the hell could I ever go out to work somewhere, who would hire me in the first place, and how could I act happy and be sociable when I'm not? I don't even know how to talk to people anymore, whenever I go out on the train or somewhere which is more than a 5 min distance from my mom's house I panic, I feel people staring at me, judging me and I can't blame them because they're right about whatever they're thinking. I can't even imagine making friends or fall in love, because I'm a social outcast by now.
I'm alone. I can't even bring myself to buy a damn ticket to someone who has been my best friend for 9 years... because I'm scared, we're in such different places now, we haven't met and barely spoken to each other for what, 16 months now? And before that an additional 16 months or so... I feel like I lost so much of our friendship the moment I met Yendor and got pregnant with Ryan soon thereafter. Even if I do get on that damn train, I'd have to take Ryan with me, and him with his sleeping issues messes every day up.
He is so difficult on so many levels it's driving me insane, being with him every hour of every day is tiring me so much by now that I don't know what to do with myself.
And I can't BARE to have to live with my mom anymore, she is outrageous and unbelievable. I remember why I was in such a rush to get out of here in the first place, why I jumped on that plane to Malta as soon as I got the chance those 3 years ago. It's even worse living here with Ryan now... but what the hell can I do? It's not like I have anywhere else to go, my father's is not an option since that would be even worse than staying at my mom's... although I'm not sure how that's possible...I can't stay over at my friend's, not with Ryan in tow... it would be too much hassle for her, he's too loud, too messy, too difficult. I have no lovable relatives to speak of either... And no way in hell am I going back to Malta.
GOD HELP ME.
If I were alone, I'd board a plane, any plane, anywhere, and just wander around in my senseless world until I die.
But no, I have a kid to take care of now and so I'm lost at what to do... I am not a fighter and I can't hold my head up high, every day it just gets more difficult. Where do I sign up to be the next victim of a murderer or something?
Yeah, I know I shouldn't be talking like this, but it's my journal, my thoughts, my life, my desperation.
Now I'm off to dreamland again, as if that will help much.
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