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I'm feeling an indescribable sense of joy, satisfaction, pride and excitement.



This is something I've been wanting to do for years and I'm finally there!



Now it's just a matter of getting through 5,5 years of studies.



Is it strange that I'm looking forward to that more than to the actual work in the future?...



University, here I come! Start September 3rd...

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DireConsequences
02:18 Aug 10 2012

Oh my gosh! Congratulations! I know you can do it! *hugs*

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Today is the day I'll find out if I've been accepted into the teaching program at Stockholm University. I applied for high school teacher in English as a major and Spanish for minor.



I'm nervous hell. During the process I've realized this is something I'd really like to do, nevermind the fact that the job doesn't pay well enough, that it's a low status job (though it really shouldnt be) and that I'll be stuck at uni for 5,5 years. Nevermind all that because I've been interested in teaching since I was 16 and have always had doubts about it, should I or should I not?



I just finished my last course in the child caring program, after 1,5 years of studies. I'll be getting my diploma in September... However I've known for a long time that I don't want to work in preschools, however interested I am in children... but I'm mostly interested in child psychology, for awhile there I considered doing the whole psycho program but in the end I chose not to...



There are so many areas I'm interested in that I just had to pick one and go for it, then later in life I'd like to go back to studying again and do something different. I know myself well enough to know that I can't stick with one thing for long, I need things to change around me constantly for me to feel satisfied.



If I don't get into the program I'll still go to uni, though, in that case I'll be taking one major course in gender studies and a smaller one in gender pedagogy, also something I've gotten really into the past few years.



Now I'm taking Ryan to the cinema, it's raining today and I promised him we'd go watch Madagascar 3 on a rainy day.

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Bellanova333
15:21 Aug 06 2012

righton goodluck (:

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Rght now I seriously feel like I just want to give in, crack under pressure, give up.



I've never been good at handling things, never been good with responsibility.



It's stressing me out and this terrible mood I've been in is not going away... I hate being alone, I hate having responsiblity over a child, I hate feeling like I can't handle it. Like I'm failing him. Like I could be so much better but am not.



I feel like one day he's gonna grow up and despise me for being so weak and pathetic.



Why does it give me so much anxiety to grow up and be an adult? Why am I afraid of being on my own? Why can't I trust myself to be able to handle it?



This has always been the problem with me, I'm always the first one to want to run away and hide. Being left without the possibility or choice to do so is like living a nightmare.



Gah, I don't know what I want to say with this. I guess I'm still struggling, trying to cope with having full responsibilty for this child. I can't even take care of myself, all I think about is him. Every day I feel like I'm failing him, not raising him right, wishing things were different. Wishing he could grow up under better circumstances, not alone with a mom who can't pull her shit together.

How riddiculous is it that I'm still not over the past? For the past couple of days I've been feeling really down and I think I've finally realized why. For the past few months I've been on the path of "finding myself" again, it's like I've woken up from a daze. I have no idea where I've been for the past 5 years of my life, I pressed pause the moment I gave birth to Ryan I think. Now that I'm starting to get back to it, I'm finding myself having feelings I used to have 5 years ago, they haven't changed at all.



I realize I'm still in love with and hurt by a woman I lost years ago, around the time when I had Ryan. Even though I never got a chance to meet her, I felt like she was my soulmate. I have never experienced such feelings before or since I lost her. And apparently, I'm finding it hard to move on. She has most likely moved on years ago, she probably doesn't even remember me or has only vague memories of the bond we used to share.



I just can't believe how much of an affect she has had on me. How will I ever get past this? I feel lonely, I barely have anyone to talk to, I find myself missing that time I used to be active on VR terribly. I still consider it the best time I've had in my life so far, it was a time when I spent all my time here and I made good friends who I still recall dearly. Friends who I no longer have any contact with... It's like I lost everything the moment I became a mom, stopped logging in, stopped communication with the outside world, just had one thing in mind. And during that time everyone else moved on with their lives and now... I feel so lonely, and I don't know how I'll ever... if I'll ever... get that same kind of connection with people again.



I'm such a retard, so shy, so difficult to make contact with in real life. I'm withdrawn and find it hard to make friends, that's why it pains me so much to have lost the ones I had and then especially her... but it was also her choice to move on, to leave me behind. I guess I didn't mean that much to her.



Anyways... I guess I'll just go cry myself to sleep. About the "thing" I wrote about the other day, it's sinking in. I'm coming to accept that I am who I am and my sexual orientation is what it is... and that's fine. Well it has to be now cause I can't really change that fact...



Sigh, it's sad really. It's sad that when I need someone to talk to I find that the only place where I can vent is a dusted old VR journal which nobody probably reads anymore.

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Sabastianthebat
23:12 Aug 03 2012

It is a disaray which makes our emotions seemed forgotten. Please try to transpire the chance of human contact. I know you feel less forward to do so. It will help you I promise. People have escaped from me vanishing sometimes lovers or not. You could of meant the world to her. But sadly people runaway from those emotions. Scared to what's gonna become of them. Don't boogle your mind with it. Cause usually we will never find out what the real reason was.

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DireConsequences
20:10 Aug 04 2012

Sweetheart, it's not ridiculous at all. I'm not over the past. I know that feeling of being so lonely. I wish I would have started a relationship with Courtney and now that she passed away, I'll never know what could have been between her and I. We flirted and things when we were drunk. She would demand me to kiss her. Heck, I was her first kiss before she even kissed a male. I still love her in so many ways and I'm scared to face her death.



I think that's way I'm scared of Aurora going to school... everything I stopped thinking about years ago will blast my mind to bits.



I miss talking to you a lot. I wish I could talk to you more or leave a better message. But babe, you're not alone. And you're not a retard.



*hugs* Stay strong.

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I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm a lesbian. Or bisexual with a preference for women. Or maybe I shouldn't even label myself.



This is the second crisis I'm having in this matter, the first occured when I was 17 and started realizing that I'm attracted to girls, followed by falling in love with another woman on VR. She left, we lost contact, and I've never dealt with how much it hurt me. So much I actually stopped exploring my sexuality, burried it and tried to forget about it. I still can't forget about her, I probably still love her.



Thing is, as I became a mom I became that and nothing else. I forgot about and devoted myself entirely to Ryan, it is not until now, when he's growing up and seeing the world outside of mommy, that I'm finding my way back to myself. As I started doing that, these feelings came crawling back as well and I'm trying to cope. For some reason I'm having a hard time accepting this fact.



For years I've realized that I'm not sexually attracted to men. Their intellect, their charisma, their personality, interests me and draws me in, yes, but when it comes to sex their physical body does nothing for me. Whereas women make me lose my breath, it's as simple as that.



I love everything about women and I'm attracted to them in every way, I've admitted that to myself now. When I look at it more closely I realize I had these feelings even as a child, I have memories of having a crush on the little mermaid, being tempted to look at my friends in the shower after gym class not only out of curiosity but out of sheer attraction and fascination, finding an odd pleasure in playing adult games with my female cousin, and so on.



Here I am, almost 25 year old and I have never experienced sex or IRL love with a woman and it just feels so wrong. Where do I go from here? There's nothing I want as bad, but I have no idea how to go on about it. I just feel lost. All I know is that I am SICK of people asking me when I'll "find a man" and it was this frustration which lead me into questioning my reaction to their question, which in turn made me realize I'm actually pissed because they just assume I want a man. I don't want a man. I want a woman. However, that is not something I feel I can just... come out with. A few of my closest friends know and accept it, my mother jokes about it and doesn't take me seriously. I would never dare to tell my father.



Well, that's that. Confession of the day. I'm getting back to studying now that I've gotten this out of my mind... for now.

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NellMorgan
22:33 Aug 01 2012

Very articulate and honestly expressed.

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