11:31 Apr 26 2010
Times Read: 643
I get through most days not thinking, just switching into auto mode. I don't want to let myself sit back and think because I know what happens when I do.
I know I haven't written anything for weeks, not because I didn't want to, I've intended to several times, but I'm always too tired, too busy or simply can't bring myself to do it.
Ryan is at kindergarten now, he was sick during most of March, stomach flues and colds, but he hasn't been sick for 3 weeks now... I take him there 4 days a week for 6h and it's really going well.
The first time I left him there alone for an hour he didn't cry at all and the woman who was caring for him told me she's never seen a kid with so much imagination, playing by himself like he does... And she's been working as a kinder teacher for 20 years, so that's saying something... It made me really happy.
Then he got sick and the week after that he did cry a bit when I left him, no more than 5-10 min before he calmed down though... There were these 2 days before Easter when he cried insanely and was really sad so they phoned me then and I went to pick him up earlier... But now last week he was perfectly happy there all week, didn't even cry when I left him there.
He's even sleeping there! True, it's happened about twice that he didn't sleep but on the rest he has, although sometimes not for more than 40-60 min he has slept for up to 1h and 45 min there... Even in the stroller, he's even sleeping for 1,5h in his stroller suddenly.
Not to mention I've noticed such a change in his mood, at first he was quite fussy, whiny and very clingy, wouldn't let me go for a second... But during the past 2 weeks that has faded away and he is SO much happier than he's been in awhile. He's happy every day, even when he hasn't slept enough he's still happy.
He's the oldest one in his group and a 20 year old really cute Swedish girl is head of his group... In fact on most days she's only responsible for him and another kid.. So I can rest assured that he's getting full attention. And everyone loves him there, he's quite charming... They visit libraries and museums, and his Swedish is REALLY improving... In fact he only speaks Swedish while at kinder and sometimes to me at home. Though mostly he speaks to me in Polish at home now, English has kind of faded away a bit... Well, we still read books in English and I do talk to him in English sometimes but it's mostly Polish now...
The first weeks I missed him terribly, but seeing now how happy he is there and how much he's learning I'm starting to let go a bit... I don't really know what to do with myself now. On most days that he's been at kinder I've been going out to fifty million libraries and read about as many books and just taken walks... I'm not feeling any better though, nothing's making me feel better... Which is why I hate sitting down because it allows me to think. I think I'm done running around enjoying my freedom, I'm back at wanting to do nothing but lay in bed and stare at the wall.
I'm so majorly depressed and I don't know how the hell to dig myself out of this. I saw a psychologist before Christmas but she sucked. I don't know where to turn, I can't afford going to a private clinic. I'm just suffering. The worst part of it is never feeling happy, just having this sense of hopelessness. I can't be motivated to do anything, I don't see the point of doing anything. Somewhere I know I want to get back to my senses, start exercising, seeing my old friends and reconnect with them, finding a job, go back to my studies... but it feels so out of reach, how can I do all that when I can't even talk to people anymore? When I find it hard to pick up the phone and make a call? When I can barely motivate myself to write a damn journal entry?
I haven't slept much at all this weekend, I probably should have taken a nap earlier... Not it's 12.30 PM and I need to pick Ryan up in 2,5h, it would take me at least half an hour to fall asleep and then I'm afraid I'd oversleep... I'll just sleep tonight. He still takes about 1,5h to fall asleep at night, sometimes I even fall asleep before him.
I have some pictures of him I took this weekend...
There... Now I'm going to read a book.
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