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I'm considering not going back to Sweden again, at least not as long as it means just a short visit.



It's too painful and puts me on an emotional roller coaster which I later find very difficult to jump off...



After a couple of weeks here I usually enter a state of numbness, with my senses turned off I manage to somehow get through the routine of everyday life. Sweden and all its beauty, my mom and sister seem so far away that the thought of them eventually fades to a distant memory... especially since I don't find the time to call them more than once a week... maybe twice.



I know it's no way to live, turning yourself into a robot and going through life just because you have to - but it's the only way I can cope with my situation... And though most of the time my smiles and laughs are forced, I do get those genuine laughs because Ryan does make me happy, he does give me a sense of purpose... Without him I probably would have shot myself long ago.



So what I'm saying is, it's taking it's toll on me seeing how real my life in Sweden could be every time I go there, knowing I have to come back to this... It's hard to settle for this when you've been there. It's hard to forget... but eventually I do, give me another few weeks and I'll be fine again.



Also Ryan is getting more attached to Yendor now finally, he is showing much interest in playing with him... which makes me don't want to take him away from him, knowing how much he would miss him and how it would confuse him...



Not to mention that Yendor can't handle being without us either, considering how messy the apartment was when we came back.



Gah.



So the only times I will be going now will probably be whenever Yendor can take leave from work, and he wants to wait until mid September because of a concert he wants to attend in Stockholm around that time...



So I have to wait 5 months with seeing my mom again, yes, that's where it pains me most, I miss my mom. I fucking miss my mom. I miss feeling at home - God knows this place will never be home to me and I've given up trying to make this apartment home months ago.



I'm just sad for Ryan, he's missing out on SO much by living here...



I seriously don't even know what to say anymore, after my last visit to Sweden I'm feeling worse than ever and this anxiety won't go away.



And I though I knew what it meant to be depressed.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to isolate myself.



I don't want to talk to anyone anymore.



The world doesn't need me spreading negative energy around,



Whatever friends I may have had don't need to listen to me whining.



I'm better off with this mask covering my ugly face and my tongue cut off.

And the thing is -



I have no other option than to compromise my own happiness -



Don't get me wrong, Ryan makes me very happy and I love him, I don't regret having him, the only regret I have is that I didn't wait until... until I was sure.



I am terribly unhappy living like this, but Ryan can't be without his father, thus I need to stay put and put up with life as it is.



Fuck it - Not everyone is destined for happiness.

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FallenPixie
04:29 May 08 2009

Maybe not everyone is destined for happiness.... but you are ♥

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I just... I just fucking need to know how to get out of this incredibly shitty situation.



God, where are you?

Sometimes I wish I was a bad person.



Bad persons don't care about hurting other people's feelings.

When you become a parent everything changes,



Your life is no longer about you, but all about your child.



I've given up everything for Ryan, my whole life is now dedicated to making him happy.



In a way I'm sorry this has put me so off course in life and taken it in a direction I wasn't hoping for¨, I'm sorry forr all that I've lost, the ones who don't understand, the sacrifices I've made and the person I've become.



In another way I love him too much to regret anything.



Today my life only matters because my son needs me.



Forget the past, I'm not a child anymore and there are more sacrifices to make.



Only his happiness matters now - mine is long forgotten.

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Deity
22:03 Apr 19 2009

I'm so sorry that you feel you need to compromise yourself for your child. I hope that you find true happiness within yourself so that it may exude into your motherhood. Be a living example to Ryan by finding the jubilee you very much deserve. ♥



" Some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are much too bright"

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ladySnowStrixx
13:31 Apr 23 2009

you know there is a saying that goes everything happens for a reason ,maybe your life took this road instead of the one you choose for a very good reason,enjoy the ride , your beautiful child ,sit back and enjoy the time you have with him and see where it takes you.

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I think I quit my antidepressants too soon.



...



I've never felt so miserable in my life as I do now.



...



Last time I felt this depressed was in 2006 when I dropped out of school for a whole year to be "cured".



...



Now I'm afraid that for some reason, being in Sweden now has brought out the worst in me.



I can't even begin to describe this...angst... what's bothering me, I don't even know if I want to.



What I need to do is sit down, start writing and sort this shit out cause not even I'm sure of what the hell is going on with me.



All I can say is that I'm terribly unhappy and I don't want to be like this for the rest of my life.



Something needs to be done and yes I know, only I can do something about it.

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ShatteredAngel
22:38 Apr 12 2009

I know you don't know me, and I know that you are probably friends with an ex-friend of mine and hate me just based on that, but I wanted to say a few things if that is ok. If not feel free to delete my comment.



I do hope that you find solstice in your life, everyone deserves a chance to have happiness and rewards from their life. I can certainly understand having trouble finding it from time to time.



And yes, I know that you have been told that you are the only one that can change that, and that is mostly true... But antidepressants and other medications can sometimes help the process, and stopping them suddenly can also aggravate the problem, actually make the swing back worse than the original condition, so I do hope that you made the journey off of them with some observation from your doctor to ease the change. And I speak as someone that had to take them for a period of my life for anxiety as well as a former nursing student (I was only 1 semester away from completion when I had to leave school).

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Months ago I thought I had reached the ultimate level of hell.



Turns out I was wrong, I am feeling worse than I ever have in my entire life.



I have nothing.



My life is a tragedy and would be pointless to continue if it wasn't for Ryan. Sometimes I wish I hadn't conceived him, at least then I wouldn't have to think twice about killing myself.



Am I ever going to live?



It seems not, I'll be stuck living in a country I hate with a man who only gets on my nerves. Alone. Only, I am starting to welcome that loneliness. I find myself not wanting to talk to anyone anymore. Not even the ones closest to me.



I don't know where home is anymore either, I don't think I have a home actually. The apartment in Malta is not even close to what I would call hoe and it seems like y mother is done with having me around. I feel so out of place in the apartment which used to be my home. I only fight and get angry with my mother, I don't think I'll be coming back to Sweden in the near future.



Maybe I should just take Ryan and go live in an igloo.

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MirageInAComa
16:20 Apr 08 2009

Home will always be where you are and Ryan is...home is no longer what it was to you before.



It never will be.

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birra
17:27 Apr 08 2009

Igloos are over-rated...

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When I fall in love, it will be forever...





I seriously envy whoever feels that way.

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KamarillaKaine
22:10 Apr 06 2009

i envy anyone who can find it all ALL.. forever OR temporarily ..

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