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Can't get blood, you say?
Can't take the pain, you say?
Completely out of options, you say?
If you're desperate for a quick, easy, and relatively inexpensive fix, have a seat and listen up.
1.) Go to the online yellow pages, put in your ZIP code then type in "butcher" or "slaughter house". I suggest starting with butchers, as they usually are more willing to sell.
2.) Don't even think about going to a chain store, deli, or any thing like that; they'll just look at you like you're nuts. What you need to find is a privately owned and operated butcher.
3.) Be prepared to spend a little money, as well as negotiate.
4.) Call them up, and ask them if they sell blood. Now, this is VERY important!!! They must understand that it has to be beef blood*, and that it MUST be fresh and sterile enough for human consumption. (Tell them you're English or something, and you're making blood pudding). If they say they can do it, ask how much (my guy tried to get me at $5 a pint, but since I bought it in bulk, I talked him down to $3.50). Arrange an order for the date and time you can pick it up.
5.) Now you're going to need some extra stuff here...
A: One bottle (or more, depending on how much blood you bought) of wine. NEVER use white, only red. And the stronger the better.
B: A funnel with a nozzle small enough to fit into the wine bottle opening.
C: A THIN cloth (a clean bandana works fine). Be prepared to throw it away.
D: An empty, clean washed milk jug.
6.) Take the bandana and place it inside the funnel, but not all the way; though deep enough so that there is room to pour liquid in it. Tape it around the edges, so that it is secure. Insert it into the milk jug. Pour the blood (very slowly) into the contraption. When all of it has been strained, remove the funnel from the jug and the bandana from the funnel.
7.) Now, in the milk jug, mix about a 1:2 ratio of blood:wine. gGet rid of the rest of the wine (better yet, save it for later). Use the funnel to pour the concoction back into the wine bottle (as to hide it's continence while in the fridge). Shake well. Put the bottle in the coldest part of your refrigerator, but NOT the freezer.
Shake the bottle well every time, before you drink the contents; that way you get an even mix. It tastes like piss, but it works (it takes about a full glass to kill the need for me), and you don't have to worry about donors talking, or blood-born diseases.
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*Beef blood is the least bio-hazardous of all the blood available at a butcher. Pork blood can be EXTREMELY toxic, as can all the others.
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LadyAntonia adds that 1) even mixed with wine in the coldest part of your fridge, this mixture probably will only keep for three days or so; and 2) the thing about raw blood for human consumption makes me wonder... blood puddings and other sausages are cooked, so... there's probably some extra care that needs to be taken when ordering this from the butcher. The alcohol in the wine will kill some types of micro-organisms, but some are only killed by heat or freezing. It's not entirely unsafe, but you might want to advise just really being aware of how the butcher goes about his business. If they are catching the blood from a hairy carcass, i would say pass on it; there can be fecal material in the cow hair. Sometimes they don't bleed the animal until the hide is off, so... it depends. I am wondering if there is some way a person might get the blood from kosher butchers; it's doubtful, but they are very clean and careful.
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