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I am slowly slipping away dear world..I find myself asking an old question from my past.what is more important.one's life or one's soul.survival or salvation.I spent so long trying to win both,but now I know.to win one I must lose the other.so which is more important...I thought for so long survival was,but then i tried salvation.Only now do I realize the more I fought the closer to losing both I came.and now I am broken,slowly losing my life and soul.perhaps that is how it was meant to be all along.but I cannot help but wonder what would of happened if i fought for salvation from the beginning,I guess I'll never know,and oddly I almost find it funny.the day i die no one will know I caused my own death,

When one is already dead inside,and then they die for real,it makes no difference to them for their life was already over.So at times I do wish that day i died,the doctors never revived me.In my mind I am at times better off dead.

I am a fool forever thinking love was possible for me.I no doubt toyed with you,tricking you into thinking we could be one.But in the end,I am a self made monster.Nothing more.And monsters like myself are incapable of love.The fact that I even feel guilt for what I did surprises me.I guess even in this state there is still a small amount of humanity left in me.But it will no doubt vanish in time.Do not pity me,do not love me.See me for what I am,a monster that loves no one,not even herself.

I shall change my fate my destiny.That nobody I use to be.That girl no one even knew existed will vanish.I am gonna become someone you remember.Someone the world will know.From the shadows I will emerge from the darkness I will come.This world I see is gonna change,and so will I.

I forgive that man for what he did to my sister.
I forgive that woman for never being there.
I forgive my sister for abandoning me.
I forgive my mom for not understanding.
I forgive my dad for not seeing.
I forgive all those men and boys for hurting me.
I forgive all those women and girls for laughing at me.
I forgive this world of its cruelty and hatred.
But I will not forgive myself for becoming the monster I did.
My life is a disease.
And even death won't cure it.
Love for me is a myth a lie a trick an illusion.
Happiness is a mask.
And hope is a long forgotten dream.