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am lost, no matter what i do to solve my situation it will take loosing to win. I know there is a solution, i will find it even if it kills me.

sucks! i can barely walk, am making an effort to ba nice to someone i can't stand( my mother, biologically speaking anyway) and trying to make up my mind on where to move to. it all makes me feel very old,

my net has been shut off so am going to be getting my messages at the library and other peoples' puters. i will be back on line by the middle of may.

is weird, minds a swirl and none of it makes sense. i'd fix it but don't want to tense.

got rid of verde, my iguana, yesterday. it hurts to let go but i need the lightness for the road, am on the move again with only a goal in mind and no idea of how to do it. it's gonna be fun.

as i sat alone taking bong after bong hit, i realized wht a bunch of wonderful people i've met in this site so far. you've all in one way or another contributed to my coming out of this episode better than it could have been. thank you all.

it can be fun, untill it takes over your mind. when white turns to black and lihgt hurts your eyes, when thinking of tomorrow causes only sorrow.

but hey here i am, survived another day, ready to bite and be bitten, long live the kitten.

back about 2 years ago i worked 18 hrs a day 7 days a week. got home one evening and put some water to boil while i took my dogs out for a walk. got back, let my birds out of their cage and played with them for a while. next thing i knew my dogs had me by the neck and shoulder pulling me out of the trailer i lived in. once i could stand i walked back in and turned off the stove and threw the burnt teflon pan out, my birds were dead. but because of my dogs, i am not.

that is why i love my dogs.

thought i'd never make it!

i'm terrrified, all is aswirll, nothing makes sense. when will it all be ok?

i hate my aging body,

i hate crying after i do anything,

i want it to end!!!

just uploaded some of my work, am working on a portrait of my kid. haven't decided between charcoal, pencils, or paint. valiums help the contractions brought on by the cold snap but leave me slow, so excuse diction.

i may act desperate and add you if you stopped by. so you may add or ban me.

am thinking of piercing my nipples on cam and posting it. would that be ok?

hard to move, as i stand and feel the burning of my cracking joints some how manage to stay on my feet. valiums from last night wearing off. i bit my lip in the process, must be careful not to drain my self much, but damn my blood tastes good!

pain is back, snow tonight. 2 days of hell, hallelluia!

this is my familiar, her name is aunsana ausa au.

my body is twisted, muscles crammping sending exquisite agony to my brain. need to find a body to share it with.