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My mind is so lost and confused right now. I want to try and work things out with my wife. Things have been going great between us, last night was a great night. We just spent the night together. I held her almost the entire night. Sleeping or awake I could just hold the one I love close to me and make things better for her. Help her forget about her issues. I can feel the need in her. The love in her is still there to. She's just so afraid to love right now, and I understand why. It's so hard to go through what shes been through and be able to love and trust. I just wish that we could try and work this thing out. I don't want to finish the seperation and then find out that it was just her way of getting it over quick so she could be with other people. I'm not saying that's the case and I don't necessarily think that, but it has entered my mind once or twice.



Again, I say to her.... Let me in. Give me this last chance to fix your heart. I've been trying. You know I used to be the glue that held your heart together. Your heart has been hurt so many times in your life by betrayl. I've never betrayed you. I may not have handled myself right with a job, but I've always been there for you. Relax your guard just a little bit. You relaxed it pretty quick for someone else and they lied to you from Day One. I've not nor will I ever lie to you. I've never kept things from you. I come to you now asking, no begging you to let me help repair your heart. Let me back in, drop the guard even if it's just slightly. Let me show you what my love can do for you.

You would think I would be happy if something like this happened. If the one I love and cared about had an issue with a person shes been talking with about a future relationship. You would think it would make me feel better knowing that I had more of a chance to prove myself to her. Then it happened. I wish it wouldn't have happened. I am really quite pissed right now, It's a good thing I don't have money to fly to California right now because I am so incredibly pissed off. I don't care what its over, no one fucks with the woman I love. I know that I screwed up, but it was never intentional. I never lied to her about anything. How can someone tell her so many things that they feel and then lie to their face like that. How can you hurt someone that's already hurt. What is the point? What is the gain? It's bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. I try to find the words to say to her to make her feel better, but there is nothing. I try to think of something to do to make her feel better, but my mind is blank. The rage inside me consumes all other things right now. I may not be perfect, but let it be known. Don't Fuck with her. If people don't start treating her with the respect she deserves, then no one will be able to experience her. She will shut down from the world. Shes to much of a kind, caring, fun person to lose in this world. So once again I tell the world... DON'T FUCK WITH HER because I will FUCK WITH YOU.

You know it's amazing I stood up last night, I said it's time for a change. Things seemed to have changed overnight. I was trying to get change for a 5 today, and this woman just hands me 2 bucks and says I don't have enough for change so I figured I'd just bless ya with 2 bucks. Don't worry about giving it back. I mean I know it's only 2 bucks, but I'd been to the point that I didn't believe anything good could happen to me. I was tired of everything. So now, I fight. I fight for what I want. I fight for the love of the woman I care more about than anything in this world. I won't be denied anymore. This shit IS going to change. God it feels so fucking good to just say that. It feels so good just to be alive today. It's like night and day my life right now. Thank you for getting me to stand up and take a stand for myself.

I never thought I would ever put my feelings out in the open like I have here. I'm jsut living a life right now that I don't know whats waiting with my next step. I don't know if it's going to be solid ground or if its going to be quicksand. I wish I could look at tomorrow for once and say I know whats coming and it's going to be good bad or indifferent. At least once. I figured that I was going to have a bad day today and I was right about that much. Got something today that I've been dreading for a long time. I thought I could handle getting them and I would be alright but the truth is that its not. I don't know what to do, I've been fighting back tears for a while now. I can't cry...I'm tired of being that wouss who cries about his problems. I'm facing my problems now, I'm fighting for what I want. I will fight as hard as I can to get what I want. I haven't gotten anything that I've wanted for a while now. I can't find a good job, well fuck that I'm going to get one now. I can't be with the person I want so bad to be with. Fuck that, I'll be with them or I'll find someone else. I don't want to find someone else, but I need someone who cares about me. Who loves me for me and understands that I and all people have shortcomings. I want that to be the person I thought was the love of my life...my soulmate...who I believe still is, but I will find a way to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on if I have to. I can't have a car, fuck that I'm going to get my shit together and buy a car better than any I've had and I'll pay less for it then my last nice car. Today is the day where I stand up for myself. I'm tired of the world walking on me, tired of the world taking advantage of me, tired of the world telling me what I have to do. FUCK THE WORLD. If you are reading this, please don't be offended that is not my intent. However if you are offended there is nothing I can do. I can't apologize because it's me it's who I am. I was saying that I wanted to kill myself but I was too much of a wouss to do it. Now I realize something, I wasn't to much of a wouss....If I was a pussy I would've done it months ago. No, I am a new person. I've been that new person for a while now but I haven't wanted to accept it. I'm hard now, I don't care what people want me to do. I just yelled at my mother earlier because she tried to say that she told me to do something and I didn't do it and I told her off for it. Does this mean I'm going to be a hard ass that doesn't have a soft spot for the one I care about, hell no. I'll still be there for her as best as I can, but to the rest of you that want nothing but to control me and tell me what to do....FUCK YOU.

It's upsetting sometimes. It's funny sometimes. You try so much to be there for someone. Someone who just doesn't want it. They're upset because someone they care about is treating them in the same manner that they are treating you. I wish I could be there...wish I could help make things better. I just can't. I try as hard as I can, but it does no good. You have to let me in. You have to give me the chance to help. Sure, it hurts like hell that you are so invested in someone else. Especially since you try to play it off as not a big deal and just friends. It's so obvious that it's not that. You wouldn't get this upset about another friend who was like that. You would just say, well they want to be left alone OK. The thing that hurts so much is that I know what it takes to be so invested in somone or something that you get upset by this. How do I know? Because I am living that life. As Three Days Grace says, "I'm not the man I was before." I've changed so much over the past few months. More than you realize. Let me in, let me show you. Yes, I know I have a LOOOOONNNGGG way to go. I understand that, but you at least should give me the chance to prove it. Please, stop knocking me down all the time. Please let me show you, let me prove it to you. Stop listening to everyone else. Stop listening to the people who want what THEY want for you. Look at the past that we had, look at what we planned, look at what we wanted and tell me that it's not good. Tell me that its bad. So I'm a deadbeat, by whos standards? Most deadbeats wouldn't be anywhere near you right now. Yea, I maybe depressed, but you don't see me letting myself go. I'm staying in shape, I'm eating(most of the time), but most of all I am there when you need a shoulder. I ask for nothing in return. Nothing but an open heart and an open mind. All I've ever wanted is you, that's all I ever want. I will prove to you one way or another that I am the man you fell in love with. I will prove to you that you can still love me. Just open the door to your heart a crack. Open it just a little bit. Or at least install a damn peephole. :)

Just got home not to long ago. Got to spend the night with someone very very close to me. She means the world to me and it's so upsetting everytime we leave. It was nice just being able to be intimate even if it was for one night. It was nice to hold someone as I slept. I slept less than 6 hours probably and I still feel better and more awake than I have in a weeks time. She asked me this morning what was wrong and I just kept saying nothing. She doesn't really want to know what is wrong because then she'll probably get mad at me. I know she'll probably read this, and to be honest its ok. Here's what was wrong. When we're together I can feel the love, the warmth. It's not just thinking its there I can feel it. It depresses me everytime I have to walk away from that. Like it's a forbidden love. We saw Tristan & Isolde last night(I know it's a chick flick but to be fair I did go with her plus we saw Underworld Evolution earlier in the day) and I feel like that. I feel so lost without her but I can't have her. I want so much for us to be able to be together but it's forbidden not allowed. It just hurts to get up in the morning and walk away from her. I care about her more than anyone. Maybe, just maybe things will work out for me. I just have no way to know right now. The way things are going they aren't...but I'm not giving up on us. I refuse to give up on something that means so much to me without a fight. No, I can't just let go and move on...it's not who I am. I wish it wasn't that easy for her to just let go like nothing has happened, however it seems that it is. I can accept that, but I won't do the same... I refuse to do the same... I would never EVER forgive myself if I did that.

There went the feeling good I had this morning. Sometimes anymore I just feel like saying fuck it to everything. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm only worth being around when it's something that others want to do right then. Why is it that we can never do something that I really want to do. I mean I always go along and do what other people want to do. When you are going to go do something with someone and it turns into I wanna go home after an hour it makes you feel like they got what they wanted out of you and now they are done with you. I mean I understand that you get tired and everything but when it happens all the time. And sex, I always go for it when my partner wants to whether I feel like it or not. True most times I feel like it, but I can't remember more than 1 or 2 times that I've really ever turned it down. I just wish I could have a relationship or a friendship where i felt like I was more than just a bother. Someone who would answer my phone calls even if they are a little busy doing something. Right now, I really wish I had an easy way out of life because I would take it. I'm just to much of a wouss to do something thats slow or painful. I mean whats wrong with me? Why am I so usless to everyone? I do everything I can to make other people happy, but most of the time they aren't willing to do much for me. Right now, I wish I could be a vampire of the movies so I could just go around and suck the blood out of people then sleep all day get up at night and do it all over again.

I guess I really should be a vampire. I can't sleep worth a lick at night anymore. I lay there and just stare, I close my eyes and an hour later open them without having dozed off once. I sit here at 9:30 am and wonder how I'm functioning on the 2 hours of sleep I think I got. It's alright though, for some reason I feel better today. I hope that it will not turn into feeling like a piece of shit again, but something makes me feel better. Maybe it's who I'm supposed to be hanging out with today, maybe it's something else I just don't know yet. But sleep or no sleep.... I feel better today.

I feel like I'm useless, worthless, like no one wants or needs me. People make me feel like I'm only worthy of their time when they choose. And that if they are doing something no matter how significant or insignificant it is, I'm not worthy. It's sent me into a state of darkness. I spend some of my sleepless nights so angry and feel so betrayed that I'm ready to just say fuck this world it's not worth the hassle, not worth the time and energy. Something keeps me going though. Hope that at the end of this pitch black tunnel there is something worth my time, my energy. Hope that the people I care about will treat me with some shreds of respect all the time and not just when they want to. Hope that life can return to a somewhat state of normal. Hope that true love is a bond that cannot be broken no matter how much you try. Hope that the time and energy I pour into what seems like such a bother at times won't be. Hope that there is more than just darkness. Sure the darkness is nice. But it's cold, it's lifeless. I want both, I want the darkness, but I want the warmth, the feeling that you mean something to someone. When you care so much about one person, and they don't care about you the same way. Or they don't WANT to care about you the same way so they treat you differently, it hurts like a blade.