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The nightmares flood her senses.



Awake and trembling, she hops in her car,



trying to find an escape from the pain.



But she feels her demons hands still on her,



coating her skin with an unseen layer of filth



that she was never able to wash away.



Memories from her past eat away at her mind



like an invasion of maggots feasting on her rotting flesh.



So she slams the pedal to the floor.



Accelerating past 90 down the road going nowhere,



she's driving on the edge of sanity but she can't seem to care anymore.



Feeling like she's flying away from all the pain,



she grabs tight to the hope that there must be more to existing than living a life like this.



Closing her eyes to this world, she lets go of the wheel.



Feeling the impact tear through her flesh,



she tastes death on her lips like a welcome rebirth.







Tanya(February 28, 2008)

I saw your flowers today.

"Lethe's Bramble!" we would say to each other,

laughing at how alike our thinking was.

"Pam would say this proves we're nerds," you would say.

Smiling, I always replied, "She's just jealous that she doesn't have her own book of nerd notes."

For the first time in six months,

they are once again on the table.

I walked in, saw them there and froze,

tears once more filling my eyes

Memories of you presenting them to me

fill my mind like a film in an unending loop.

Now I tear the flowers from the vase,

angrily shredding them as I throw them away.

Burying them below the papers,

trying to make the memories disappear as well.

How I wish they were like Willow's Lathe's Bramble,

capable of making my memories all disappear.

I wish they could erase this pain that never stops aching inside me,

fill this hole that makes me feel endlessly empty.

The sorrow screams soundlessly in my head

making it impossible for me to focus on anything at all.

Thoughts of you race uncontrollably through my mind.

Like a ghost, you haunt me everywhere.

There is no longer any reason

to buy two of the same things

when I find something I know you would love

simply because I love it myself

Yet instictively I grab two

before only purchasing one

and my hands still feel somehow empty

when I leave yours behind

"Yours," as if you will return to buy it.

"Yours," as if it truly belongs to you.

My cats follow me around the house,

curling up in my lap to sleep,

images of their father, your cat.

Your name still hangs over everyone at work

like it will somehow break me to hear it

so people simply avoid saying it

and there you have become the white elephant

that everyone knows about but nobody acknowledges.

Will I ever be able to let you go?

Will I ever stop feeling this hurt?

Am I never to be free of these memories

that lead me always back to the one constant solution,

the one solution we both tried to save each other from?

Is that my final punishment?

Will I never be able to find peace

because I failed you somehow?

Will it always evade me

since I could not bring it to you?

The flowers lay crumpled and dying now.

I look at them and cry.

In killing them, I feel as if I have killed you.



Tanya(February 11, 2007)

I see your eyes,

the only part of you

that I still recognize.

They glow in your flawless face,

your smile beautiful,

regardless of your braces.



I see your eyes,

that I once looked to

as a reason to be alive.

They have grown so much

and I have witnessed so little

of your journey these past years.



I see your eyes,

reflecting your happiness

while my eyes stare back

and fill with tears

Your eyes cannot look back at me.

They are only those in a photograph.



I see your eyes

and see the baby I held,

the toddler I treasured,

the little girl I spoiled,

has become the teenager

I can only see staring out of a picture.