The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

i dreamt of Aset. she was beautiful as always. i always wonder when and if i will feel her wrath, but i never do. i instead always feel her warm loving embrace. it doesnt mean however she doesnt get upset with me, she does, and last nite was no different. i am not doing as she asks. i rarely do.



but i ask, how can i deal with sum1 i dont like. i dont ever hate any1, this life is too short for that strong of an emotion. but that doesnt mean i cant dislike sum1. i surely can. and she has asked me to deal with sum1 i truly dont want to be near. he feels the same. there is no love loss between us trust in that. he doesnt want to be near me anymore than i want to be near him. my husband doesnt like him and doesntwant e near him, but the goddess does. so what do i do?



i want to scream!!!!!!!!! shout!!!!!!!!! and whatever else i can do. i cant make every1 happy. i try, but i end up upsetting sum1. the only thing my husand and i do agree on, is i dont want to lose favor with my goddess. but i want to make him happy to, yet he punishes me for what they do. ugh!!!!!!!

i try to live a fairly normal life. always have. i know what i am, or at least mostly. over a year ago things happened to question what i am and how i live my life. i had done many things when iwas younger that i am not proud of and have spent the last several years working on being nothing more than a healer.



i never thought of why i felt such energy when i was around a large group of people or why at times i felt so drained when things around me were so negative.



but over a year ago, i started waking up feeling more drained then then when i went to bed. then i met sum people who told me they could explain it all. they did sum terrible things. they sent me gifts, caused problems in my marraige (which we are still recovering from), did little thins to let me know they were still there, still watching. unfortuanately, they are still around. but nothing like they were. they have backed off quite a bit.



i cant say 4 sure if it had anything to do wth what i did 2 them over samhain. it wasnt nice. but they werent nice to me. i dont usually go back 2 my old self, but they pissed me off. 1 of the members was actually amused. several werent. the 1 amused was able to figure out what i had done and suffered the least from it. damn that luck.



either way, thru all of this, i found we were all children of Aset. my bloodlines are tied to 1 of them. if u read up on her, you will find she was the 1st vampire and had three children. 2 daughters and 1 son. her son is the 1 we hear most about. it took my husband and i forever to find out about her daughters. which they are never named.



in this research, we found Aset and i have everything in common. the children, when they were concieved and the order as well. we also share alot in the way we feel and do things. i had shunned her when all this had started, blamed her. i went to the other Gods i worship from time 2 time. i still didnt get much clarity on why this was happening to me.



what i did get was still the constant pushing and prodding by this group telling me i was a daughter of Aset and i belonged to her. the would never refer to me by my name, only by priestess or Lady Moontear which is my coven name. Preistess is not a title however i hold. i dont even like being called Lady. i just like being called moontear. i think titles are for the birds. i feel every1 is equal. but they persisted and still do to this day. my preistess in my coven respects my wishes but says during ceremonies i do have to use the title of Lady, or when we have inductees. ok, i get that. but these guys are relentless.



so, things have slowed down, and on Aset's celebrated birthday, i went 2 her. mad or not for what was transpiring, i still celebrated. i still love her and any1 who has ever been in her loving embrace knows what its like to feel her light. i thought she would make me get on my knees and pay pennance fo my ego. i knew i deserved it. after all, i was the 1 who shunned her, ignored her and for a long time. but no. she welcomed me with open arms. she held me and filled me with her loving embrace. any1 who knows Aset also knows she has a very vandictive side. i was still waiting for this. but it never happened.



instead she held me and told me there was nothing to forgive. she is all things, all knowig and all loving. only those who truly dont know see her wrath. i was shocked to find i was still in her favor. not as shocked as i was to find i wasnt the only 1 however.



i eventually found my evil little follower, at least 1 of them was also. the one who was smart enough to figure out what i had done on samhain and fix it. at least for him. he just also happened to be the 1 i feared the most. i was not so surprised to find he was smarter than the rest. the way he came after me, i already knew he was smarter. i would never know he was there until it was too late. i also found out later, most of the gifts put in my vehicle and sent to my house came from him.



the most shocking revelation in all of this however is Aset's demand on both of us to work together. yea, i am to learn from him onhow to be a better prestess thru him. set my opinions aside. he is to do the same. i am to no longer try to keep him out of my dreams or my life. yea, i'm gong to work on that soon. not.



i did find 1 positive note in all of this. he hates me just as much as i hate him. his reasoning for the things he did were because they had certain things they were told to do. if he had known it was going to put him tied to me, he would have hurt me rather than just scare me. nice huh.



so now we are stuck together. what he is to teach me only the Goddess knows. its been a little while and he hasnt taught me a damn thing. the only thing i have learned is we really hate each other and he has stated that as soon as this is over, he is going to hurt me. no question.



because of our hatred towards each other, i have made itimpossible for him to come within 50 feet of me. so i suppose this makes it hard as well. but iff u knew what he is capable of, u wouldnt blame me. u might even think 50 feet wasnt far enough. the fact that we cant even be near each other without sarcasm or mean words makes this very hard.



I ask Aset every chance i get why she did this to me, she says i need to learn to love every1, be accepting, learn leadership (at last for my part in this). As for Eros', he needs to learn to sccumb to others, learn discipline, learn to be a follower. she says he has a real problem with authority. yea, i can definitely see that.



every time we do meet, afterwards, my husband asks how it went, asks if i learned anything yet. i tell him other than the fact he really hates me and i him? no. he tells me to remind him the sooner we get this over with, he sooner we can be seperated and go on with our lives. he also told me to ask him when the fighting is supposed to stop and the teaching is to begin. i just laugh.



Aset had us together the other night. we were lectured on this very thing. i loved being in her light. i didnt like sharingit with him. it was like it was tainted. at least to me anyway. i think he probably feels the same way. i also hate it when he refers to me as her golden child. i just want to slap him.



he bows to her as he tried with me, but i dont let him. i hate that. she doesnt let me bow to her. i dont get this. she doesnt let me kneel or apologize for any wrong doing. she says we are never sorry for anything we do. that is for every1 else. they bow to us. it seems wrong to me. but i have also been warned not to question the Gods, but i never listen. when i ask her of thesethings, she tels me there are answers, but they come on their time. dont i know this. everything comes when it has its time, not when we want it. just like when i want sumthing. i dont have to cast a circle or make an incantion for it. i just think it and it happens. this is why i am always careful and mindful of my thoughts. but every1 should be. for every action, there is always a reaction.