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My mind is feeling tormented, as I am so wishing I could turn back time and make new choices. I brought into our home, my man's dying mother, as I am a giver and she needed! We'll the fact that it took it's toll on our relationship.The man who said he loved me and is saying he wants to change to be a better man. He was like a lost child watching his mothers demise, that I thought I would be his shelter, who he came too for comfort, only to have it become violence, control, anger! I still have my emotions entangled in his life, as hard as he has made me to self protect. He tried to kill himself and even though I have a restraining order I don't wish for him to hurt himself. I only want him to be a better man for himself. So he is reaching out to me, his mother died this last week and I am so tormented by the losses we have both suffered that I just want to hold him, which really makes me disgusted with myself! I have made great strides in my self worth since I told him to leave after we had our 4th physical altercation. I made mistakes too! However I am 5'1" and weight about 120 he is a man who is about 5'6 and weight s about 170. I feel no matter what he is the man and should never ever lay his hands on a woman in anger, EVER! So here I sit with my eyes puffy from crying for hours and am feeling sadder than I have in some time. Alone again, utterly alone! I am a good person why is life been so hard for me. I am blessed in many ways. My children are wonderful productive young adults. I know I am a good person and I know I am of One with the universe and I am open to forgiveness and am loyal to those who are loyal to me. i don't understand how someone can not stop and see how their behavior is affecting the person they say they love. Why are people who choose to share a life together and love each other want to manipulate their lover/partner into being or making them try to be that which they are not! I am who I am, nothing more and can only be who I am. I am on a constant path to be a better more compassionate and evolving human. I choose Jah as my guide, however look for truth in many ways, Dalai Lama Deepok Chopra and Ekhart Tolle I am open to all paths of spiritual growth, my son is a satanist, judge not I say! It is his life and his choice to have his own relationship spiritually for whatever path he chooses, I shall love him still!

Two days ago I lost a friend too soon 56 years of age and lights out. I on the other-hand received a new grandchild and am feeling blessed she is healthy and beautiful. I am so thankful this death came with new life. I have lost so much in life over the last eight years of my life. I truly don't like to feel sorry for myself, I want to see the good that I have not what Isn't here. I know Jah will guide me and bring me to the place I should be in life. I pray for the bitterness in my heart to subside. I seek empathy for my apathy is a negative emotion which I feel I need to preserve my heart right now. Will anyone worthy ever be again for me?

The most passive of the control dramas is the victim strategy, or what I have called the Poor Me. In this drama, rather than competing for energy directly, the person seeks to win deference and attention through the manipulation of sympathy. Depending on the kind of relationship we have with the person, phrases might be shaped around a wide range of subject matter.

The obvious strategy in the Poor Me drama is to throw us off balance and win energy by creating a feeling of guilt or doubt on our part. By buying into that guilt, we are stopping and looking through the other person's eyes at his or her world. As soon as we do this the person gets to feel the boost of energy added to his or her own and so feels more secure. In dealing with the Poor me it is important to remind ourselves that the purpose of the drama is to win energy. Once we have determined we are facing a control drama in action. Make the control drama the topic of conversation itself such as, "you know right now I feel as if you think I should feel guilty."



Why can't people take on responsibility for their own actions?

So I am feeling somewhat irritated in that I received this suicide note and for whatever reason. I am so aggravated at the fact that this man says he feels betrayed. Betrayed, He Betrayed me when he slammed me up against the wall. He Betrayed me when he left bruises on my body. I forgave him 3 times, I really can't see his betrayal, I supported his ass for two years, bought his ass cigarettes, I don't even smoke!. He was so betrayed because I as a woman who cares and has self respect and self worth choose to not allow someone to control and manipulate me with their bullying and decide I'm done! We'll you need to step back weak man and take a look at yourself for the betrayal. He is such an egotist. He lays out this big long suicide note to the whole family and at the end says, Bury me in my Hugo Boss Suit, if you're dead and worthless MF who cares how you look in death

Today I opened my email and had an suicide note from the man who disrespected me. I feel he is once again attempting to control or manipulate me into any response. I am as you can see here blogging my duress at his actions. I truly do not understand, WHY? He chose his path the moment he lost his self control and hit me. I told him upon our joining as a couple DON'T EVER HIT ME. He said don't ever call the police on me! Well he Hit me and I called the police. So we both failed, I however feel justified in my actions as he failed first. He states in his suicide letter, I gave up so easy. What he doesn't realize is I didn't, I let him hit me three times more than the only other person who ever hit me the man I was married to and the father of my children, hit me once and the second time I saw it coming and left. Good bye! So I feel indifferent as this man told me I can't be mad at him for something which I never discussed with him. Well I discussed, DONT EVER HIT ME Prior to his coming into my home. My mistake in choosing to believe his Love was Honorable. I see it for what it was an ego boost! I feel maybe he loved me the only way he could and to the best of his abilities. However, I am more deserving of love than this treatment and expect nothing less for my life or I will choose to grow old alone, which is one of my biggest fears. So now I try to understand why he can't let me be and move forward in his life knowing that we both made mistakes and hopefully we can both grow from them. I know I will not allow myself to fall like I did with him. HARD, SO HARD He TOOK me to the cleaners stealing from me on the way out and choosing to disrespect me in court through LIES! Today I am saddened for this sad soul who would choose to play the suicide card for sympathy. I can only hope and pray that he may find peace in his life and learn to believe in himself again. He has children and I feel this is an extremely selfish act. I however can not take the responsibility on for his actions.

COMMENTS

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chrysanthemia
01:49 Feb 10 2009

It sounds like you're very strong, and clear of mind. I think you know exactly what is going on, and that you are trying to make the right choices.



I wish you luck, and more importantly, strength.

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