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I have recently gotten back together with my son's father- and we are getting married within the next few months!- I am very happy and my son is finally getting to know his father!- It turns out that all the things we were angry about where not things the other really said- but things that were stated through his parents- and all a big miss understanding on both our parts-- So it has been a long few months and we have talked ever situation to death and back- but have finally come to the conclusion that we wanted to try again- and both of us are very happy--- however thanks to recent misfortunes- we have postpoaned our marriage for a few months and are spending that time getting closer as a family-- the right way this time- instead of like a couple of sex starved teenagers hell bent on destroying everything around us- including ourselves!-- If you have anything to ask me about anything I write in here- please feel free to leave a message or comment and I will get back to you as soon as I see it-- I thanks you for taking time to read my ramblings-

I came home from work and sat on the couch, took off my dress shoes and heard a loud pop- I ran into my brother's room only to find that he had shot himself. MY WORLD STOPPED! I ran to his side and held the wound, telling him to hold on while everything around me faded to a dull roar of caos and confussion. I looked arouns for anything to help me, and found a nothing, only the black of my world colapsing in on me. I moved him to the floor and gave him CPR- bringing him back to life twice before the perimedics got there. I was told that he died at 11:09 P.M. in the hospital. This was the 7th of April- and since then I have been walking around in a hollowed darkness that use to be my life. The every day things I see going on- seem meaningless at times- and have little meaning to them. I look into my son's eyes and find a love that I can't find inside myself anymore. True I love my son and my very soon to be husband. But not the kind of love one has for there brother- I helped raise him to be a good man. Loving, caring, and so very talented. I lay awake at night and think about the things we use to do and it makes me want to cry- knowing that my son will never truley know just how great his uncle was- and how much he loved him or any of us--- I know you must be wondering -- Did he mean to shot himself- well the answer is Yes- He shot himself over a girl he loved- his first true love- and she was only 17 and from what I am told- been a whore since she was 15- and a drunk since then as well-- But my loving caring brother loved her for some unseen reason and it was the death of him when he seen her in a bar with another guy.

It has been almost a month since my brother died-- and I still feel like there is and will always be a hollowed darkness within me- that was where he should be. I am slowly getting better and moving on with my life- My wedding is in another two months- and I am happy about it. Slowly I am coming out of the dark shell I have been in since this happened. But I felt the best way to help myself is to tell others about it- so when You read this- You might truely understand me just alittle better. I hope it didn't make you sad- Cause sympathy is one thing I will not tolerate! I need nor want anyone to feel sorry for me- I just thought you might like a little glimps into the hell of my true life! and THE HOLLOWED DARKNESS WITHIN!