The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'



2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'



3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.



4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'



5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'



6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'



7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.



8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'



9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'



10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'



11. Say, 'Interesting.. more floaters than sinkers.'



12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'



13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'



14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.



Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.



15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.



16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'



17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.



18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.



19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'



20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.



"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"



"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.



"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."



"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"



"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."



"Sensible" says Jeff.



"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."



"And what happened then?"



(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)



"I kicked her in the face."

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.



He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:



"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"