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Yesterday James's grandma picked me up. I really like her she's sweet and funny. I couldnt believe what tina (chelseas mom) said tho but im glad. So we went over to her house in Nashville it was fun. Just hanging and everything. James's brothers were cracking me up. One time James called Courey in (who is 8) and said my name and i looked up and he kissed me. Like an 8 year old normally would do he ran and told. James had to say he kissed me on the cheek because his grandma. Oh yeah they were making jokes or sumthing and i turned around and was lmao and James told me Tyler was looking at my ass! Omg it aint the first but come on.

Well I called Tyler in there and James hand was on my thigh and I was holding his hand...so I moved it to my butt. It wasnt the only time he touched it though..lol. But yeah it was fun...I normally dont get to hear a lot of fussing because my mom is so usually busy and preoccupied. It gets really lonely though. But yeah before I knew it it was time to go. My dad came and I think James planned it but...we went to the back room to "say bye to his brother" LOL. I knew he wanted to kiss me as I him. He gave me a hug and a kiss and I left.

Last time i talked to him was on the internet at like 5 because we both couldnt go back to sleep. He was watching out for us wanting us to go back to sleep. I eventually did though. But yeah maybe we will get together again today.

Well I just woke up at 10ish, which sux i guess. The light blinds....LOL. But yeah rite now i just feel like i seem to hurt everyone around me someway and i dont even know it. For that I want to hurt myself. I'd rather kill myself then let those i love suffer (especially for something i did and didnt know about). I mean I guess I've been hurt so much and became numb that i dont have knowledge of it. I dont wish to hurt people though...especially those who picked me up and brushed off my wings. I just want to get away from this world...slip away.

Humaniness i guess is to emotional and confusing. I dont want to be confused and hurt anymore. I mean i know i have healed alot yet...I still hurt. I mean I cant even cry and let it all out because i have become so tough. All I cry is 2 meazly tears...and that is nothing to my pain.......

Well yesterday Stacy's cell phone rang. And guess who it was. My dear sweet friend Kayla, not! She said James used to go to her school and he was stupid. Well she's a bitch i dont care. She's stuck up and dont give a damn about anybody. She can kiss my ass, all she does is cause trouble. First....Derek. Yep, she was all upset because "she wanted to go out with him and was gonna ask him out first". Who cares then she starts shit about me at school and has to talk about me behind my back with me knowing it. I dont give a damn what she was gonna do but she dont gotta talk shit about me and hate me for it. She is so stuck up and selfish she think she is so hot ....urgggg w/e she could just be jealous i dont know w/e. She doesnt know James and she prob wouldnt give him a hell of a chance. He is sweet and nice and she is too fucking blinded by pride so w/e. I love you James and your possibilities are endless.





P.S. I am sorry that question bothered you... I was just so excited I finally get to see you

Yesterday i was so low and depressed. But I am so thankful my baby Talon was there to be my strength. He is so awesome, he watches out for me and comforts me. He is one of the best things that has been happening to me. I dont want to ever let him go. I am glad we are so much alike. We connect on all levels, physical and emotional. When I am with him i dont have to worry about being perfect or being someone i am not. He loves me for me (well at least i think he does...yeah).

We both have been through too much shit. People need to leave us alone and get on with their own lives. We just want to be happy and their there screwing that up too. Talon is rite and as i have said before the only thing family knows how to do is make you feel like crap. Some of us naturally go with the flow but others try to go against it. It is freaking pathetic actually. I mean if we feel miserable and shit then let us get through it. Weve been getting through it longer then youve been working. Come on now. Dont pretend. If your gonna love us love us. If not screw it...we didnt need you before and we dont need you now. We have and will always be our own parents.

I love you James... thanks for being there. (AT LEAST SOME PEOPLE ARE SINCERE)

I am so depressed and so lonely rite now. All I want is someone to hold me and take away the hurt. I cant stand this. I want to hurt myself or something right now. I just am once again forgotten and neglected and tossed around. I just want to be loved and spent time with. I feel like such a burden on those I love. I hate that. I just want to cry and bear all these tears from all of these years i hid. I just cant though. I hate that. That thing that makes u not cry that strength which becomes a weakness. I cant explain it.....but just in one word "forgotten".

I wish someone was with me to hold me and tell me everything is and is gonna be ok. That's all.

Well yesterday i was so upset. I mean i really wanted to see Talon with all my heart and mind. I just wanted to be in his arms and feel safe and loved again. I mean I miss him and wanted to cry because i couldnt see him yesterday.

Tomorrow, hopefully, no i will, see him though. I am going to this girl's pool party (name not wrote on purpose). We get to see each other for like 5 hours. I am soooooo happy. We both hate the sun and swimming and outdoors and shit so its perfect. I am so happy that he doesnt want me to hurt ....I think he wishes to take the pain from me. But that is so sweet that he cares so much about me enough to keep me from doing stupid stuff. I mean honestly it has gotten worst now that i've gotten older. I like doing crazy stuff I mean its thrilling but i dont do it for attention i guess it relieves some of the pain....yet i deal with the pain myself. I love you James thanks for being my strength and support. Oh and Amanda your ass better be back in boring rocky mount soon! I will find you hahahahah...lol just j/k

THINGS NO ONE KNOWS

-my deepest fear is being left alone

-under all the happiness is years of scars of pain and hatred

-i never really had a family-i was my family

-i have scoliosis and i am bipolar and ADHD...a living hell

-i dread going back to my house....my mom never listens

-i just want to give love and it be accepted with open arms

-i just want to run away.....from life...but thank God for those that do love me(that is why i used to cut myself)

-I hate people who think they can fix everything when they dont understand shit....they havent been thru what u have

IT SUX WHEN ALL U DO IS GIVE WHEN U HAVE NOTHING...YET THEY STILL HATE YOU AND DONT HAVE COMPASSION

I cant explain it but for the past couple of days i have been so fucking unbelievably depressed and miserable. I cant help it though. I mean once it hits it goes down from there. I told James this already....i wanted to hurt myself last nite. But i couldnt i am sorta glad tho. I mean i still have pain and loneliness but its ridiculous hurting urself when it relieves u temporarily but hurts in the long end. I have so much emotional scars....hurt memories and been neglected so much. I dont know how James (and all of my friends) can love and care about me so much tho. I really feel ugly and worthless...yet beautiful for just getting through it all. I am beautiful...i had no control over my life and i made the best of it and kept believing in myself...yet i feel partial to blame.



THANKS FOR ALL YOWS LOVE, SUPPORT, AND PATIENCE...it is hard

So I just got back from camp. I met these awesome goth gyz. Some of them are in a band. There names are Courey, Micheal, Nate(Nathan), and Chris. They are so nice and fun. I hung with them most of the time. I couldnt stand it for for a while because everywhere i looked were preppy people. I am sorry but i do not wanna see people that stand in the mirror for like two hours having body parts hang out....this isnt popeyes! PUT ON SOME CLOTHES! I mean u can still be cute and comfortable. You need to be confident and not try to win gyz over with their eyes but there hearts.

Oh yeah it was really sad leaving James again. I mean everywhere I looked someone was with someone and i was by myself. I just wanted to hold him all week. But i knew he would wait for me. He was always there with me and for me.

I love you gyz!

Today is another day.......I hate this family! I dont belong here. My dad is fucking embarrising and annoying. My sister is greedy and lazy. My mom is an overprotective and untrusting bitch. I dont get it. Why dod i have to be part of this family? I mean i literally been taking care of myself my whole fucking life. Well something weird.... Rose told Talon the first day we met she felt someone got turned. I believe it was me.....but that is cool if i did. But now i just hate everyone and think everyone is fake...except for those who dont let me down and honestly love me (talon).I dont know. I just hate family. All they do is let you down and make you look bad. They dont give a shit about anything plus they pretend to be something there not....showing off. But at least i got my friends. You all mean so much to me. You keep me going. Talon, Amanda, Angie.....(list goes on) thanks for everything....I LOVE YOU ALL....but especially Talon.....LOADS OF HUGS AND KISSES...

I am so glad u feel that way about me. I feel the exact same way. I mean with you it is like this world is nothing....nothing matters anymore. I have thought about u so much and just wanted to hold u this week when i was gone. I had so much sorrow laying down because you werent there. I am glad i got home today to read ur journal because i was about to give up on trusting people. But you reminded me that someone does love me 4 real....u do, and that means the world to me. I have been hurt, betrayed, and neglected so much. Yet u picked me up and i love you.

Hey everyone hope u werent too bored. I had fun in New York.....but the trip was long. 16 HOURS! The room was unbelievably small and hot. I was crying because it was so hot and i missed my baby talon. I enjoyed that nite if ur reading this talon. And dont worry about me being to weak. You no i am a tough chick. We will always be there to catch each other when we fall. This week was sad being away from you...I longed for ur warm embrace this week. People were being such jerks. Oh yeah that reminds me someone soaked me with a water gun ....in my pj's. Not cool! And dont be scared if i told u this but i found a bruise below my knee.... I dont know what it is from. But I felt safe for some reason i knew u were there protecting me. I hope i aint to mean in the spirit world....my love for you is everlasting.....you know how feisty i can get. And i am really sorry sometimes i get to crazy and to intimate please forgive me talon....it is just because i really like you i dont know how to act tho. And yeah i cried because i missed you too...Please call me i leave tommorrow and i really wanna hear ur voice