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intolerable pain
09:26 Sep 23 2005
Times Read: 636

pain, has anyone ever suffered as much as i am suffering now? im sure some people have, but not many.

i thought i might be able to write about it, to let it all out, but im not sure now if i can. im fed up with crying, my eyes are sore and i have a terrible head ache.

ill try and tell you how i feel.

usualy i write poetry, but i can never fit enough emotions in. there are never enough words, the english language just isnt enough to explain my emotions.

iv gone off topic. see? im already breaking down, having trouble writing about my life. this is how terrible it is, how unbearable.



i dont know where to start, when i met him? at the age of ten, he was twelve and we used to hate each other. or at least, we dissliked each other very much. we always argued, he was just another older, bossy, bully.

i laugh, think back at it. its easier to write about then, four years ago, than it is to write about now.

when i turned 13, i didnt see him again for another year, which i thought was great. he was still immature, not so much as a bully, i still didnt like him, but i didnt hate him.



then this year he changed to my high school.

this is the year i dont want to talk about, but iv written this much, and youv read this far (i thank you if you have actualy bothered to read it, not many would)

any way, this year he had changed. he had grown up.

this year i fell in love.



usualy i only fall for the hottest, cutest guys in the school. people way out of my leage that i can only dream of being with, so i was suprised when i developed a crush on someone who i thought wasnt all that much better looking than me.

i was already with a sweet, loving guy. who i realy liked, but i was beggining to realise that i liked this new guy more, much more. it was then that i was realy beggining to realise how much i liked him.

i broke up with my boy friend and now he is one of my closest friends, the only one who i told.

for months, most off this year, iv slowly grown more and more in love. the last three months its been unbearable, iv been trying to get enough courage to ask him, to tell him how i feel. had it been any other guy i would have ad no problem asking him out.

but i was scared, what would it do to me if he said no? if he turned me down? i was already slitting my writs over him, unable to cry every night for the loss of a day that could have been spent with him.

and today, the reason im writing this. todays the day that tore me apart, ripped my heart out refused to return it.

today i cried for the first time in months. i used to be a strong person, what has he done to me?



my headache is killing me, so ill get this out quickly so that i can go to bed.

He got himself a girlfriend.

i know what your thinking, 'big deal, he'll dump her soon enough'

but he wont. hes into long term relationships, so far hes only had one other girlfriend and it lasted more than three years.

i dont think, i mean, i know that i cant wait three years.

and i know the girl, shes realy nice. shes pretty and everyone likes her. you cant help but liking her. which makes it so much worse.



i realy want him to be happy,and i know that the right thing to say would be 'if hes happy with her, then im happy'

but im not. when i found out about them, i was told by my brother, i hardly reacted. i just laughed with my friends, 'about time' i said.

walking home, i put it out of my head. i thought about anything and everything. once home i distracted myself by watching starwars 3, then charlie and the chocolate factory on my brothers computer.

and after that, i just lost it.

iv never been like this, this broken and depressed. iv never left so much pain.

no one should have to suffer like this, love should be banished.

banish love, its cursed.

every time that i ever imagined being in love, i thought that the person i loved would love me back.

i never imagined i could fall in love with somone who hardly knew i excisted.

i was just another teenager, his sisters friend.

i wish i had words to describe this pain, but i dont.

i might be able to find it easier to bear now that its written out, i hope so. it was easier to write than i thought.

if you did read this, id like to hear from you.

must be truly somthing if you can bear to live my life through this peice of badly written writing.

Victims of Homophobia
06:37 Sep 02 2005
Times Read: 639






I am the girl kicked out of her home because I

confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.



I am the prostitute working the streets because

nobody will hire a transsexual woman.



I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight

through the painful, tear-filled nights.



We are the parents who buried our daughter long

before her time.



I am the man who died alone in the hospital because

they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.



I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of

being taken away from the two fathers who are the only

loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.



I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.



I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.



We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.



I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.



I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.



I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.



I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.



I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.



I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.



I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.



I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.



I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.



I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.













Put this in your journal if you believe homophobia is wrong.



I just thought people should read and pass on this message.