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Xzavier's Journal



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5 entries this month
 

Am I really old?

19:20 Mar 11 2008
Times Read: 847


I ask that as a rhetorical question of course.



Lastnight around 9pm I felt a slight burning under the skin right at the 6th, left rib. I took a deep breath in to hopes to go to sleep, after the breath I nearly passed out.



I crawled towards the door phone in hand, made one call and collapsed onto the balconey.

While I was lying there my neighbors came out and saw me, I had never had a chance to introduce myself to them but thankfully the woman was a nurse.



As I lay there I began tasting blood in my mouth and started convulsing. I never went fully unconscious but a few times I wasn't able to speak.



About 10min. after the ambulance came up and the EMT's were beyond professional and competent. They checked my blood presure, sugar and all the normal things and I appeared to be rather normal, although still convulsing.



Got to the ER and the nurses too were wonderful. In walk the doctor who began to treat me as though I was some "agv." patient. He asked me some questions and told me that I was probably dehydrated, even though Im being treated for Shy-Drager.



Had some blood drawn (normal), EKG(normal) and a tilt-table test(abnormal) ; as is often the case. They attempted to give me an IV of normal saline to which after a minute I passed out due to laboured breathing.



In the end my diagnosis was, "We don't know, it may have been a mixture of things but your fine to go home."



My thoughts? Simple, a vaso-vagal reaction brought on by the advancement of my current situation. In other words, I passed out because I'm getting worse.



I've been in the ER and or hospitalized 6 times and despite my medical history they continue to treat me like a run of the mill patient. Why do I go there? Because the nearest hospital of possible note is a hour away.



I know many people have horror stories but it never ceses to amaze me at how the "help" operate amazingly but the doctors can't seem to use a brain cell.


COMMENTS

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LadyChordewa
LadyChordewa
20:47 Mar 11 2008

*hugs* I know its hard, but its even more frustrating for a doctor or a nurse to look at someone and say...."I don't know."




 

Final Election Post

18:05 Mar 09 2008
Times Read: 855


I would like to warn you the views held herein are my own and may be offensive. I have very strong feelings about the path this Nation is taking and I feel a great need to get them across.



I have long been a proponent of voting for the best person and not voting for the lesser of two evils. The idea of voting for a person who is less bad than another candidate still means they are a bad choice and thus it is immoral. Due to this I have always supported the candidate who has little chance of winning simply because the establishment and the vast majority of Americans simply don't care about upholding the Law and lack the drive to keep this nation a republic instead of having it turn into a socialist state.



This election cycle has proven to be one of many surprises and near total horror. Ron Paul was the best because he defended personal liberty, upheld the Law, defended the Constitution and understood the need for just warfare as opposed to invading nations at will.

Mike Huckabee was the next best however, he had little understanding of personal freedoms and sold his soul to the idea of a "war on terror".



Now we are faced with two options of the extreme. John McCain is by far the most frightening possibility. He is not afraid to run over the Law or to crush American Sovereignty by keeping the southern boarder open. McCain can only be trusted to thrust America into all out war against Islam and thus sealing our fate to becoming a bankrupt, powerless and bloodied nation. What we tend to forget is the war on terror is a war on ideas brought forth by our 60 years of involvement in overthrowing leaders and funding the terrorists we are fighting. We have such a short memory that forget the fact that Saudi Arabia gives the bulk of the monies that funds terrorist groups and yet we just gave them $12 billion in weapons.



We speak of defending Israel yet when they wish to defend themselves we stop them. Not only do we prevent Israel form doing its sovereign duty we give its enemies 3x the amount of foreign aid than we give Israel. It amazes me how totally ignorant this "War Hero" is when it comes to the art of war. We have an organized military force nearly totally dependent on high technology and we are fighting a war against guerrillas. In Vietnam we faced the very same type of war and we end up killing more civilians than enemy combatants. Don't misunderstand me, I am by far one of the most ardent supporters of our fighting men and women, I am however, in utter disagreement with military brass.



At the end of the War Between the States Gen. Lee surrendered not because we could no longer fight but because he did not want to plunge both nations into a guerrilla war that could have lasted decades. America has no idea how to fight such wars. The only successful guerrilla war we fought was during the Revolution all others we either lost or the American empire was saved because the "enemy" (the Confederacy) took the high road and ended the war.



You can bet money on this next statement when I say," the American Empire will be begging the terrorists to stop before its over. We shall be in total financial ruin and our entire Nation will be bathed in blood." The only way we can win the war on terror is accept the true nature of the war. For 5,000 years west and east have been fighting and only with a WWIII type action can we win. However we do not have the moral authority to do so nor the legal ability. Other than Israel every "free election" that has been held in the Middle East has placed more of the same religious demagogues that we "fought" to remove. The peoples of the Mid East want to have a caliphate and our attempts to stop it only goes to further their agendas of hate.



There were no WMD's or Al Qaeda in Iraq but now the country is overrun with them. We gave Bin Laden the money to attack us and we gave Iran the weapons to do the same. We preach peace and yet we over throw governments and "spread freedom" at the point of a gun. How would we like it if China came over here and built bases on our soil, regardless of intent? Do you think we would stand for it? Or do you believe that we would take up arms against them and fight back? The same can be said for the Mid East, if they wanted us over there the populations would be turning in the terrorists left and right.



The Republicans talk about ended abortion before birth but preach abortion after birth in the form of dead soldiers. I love the men and women who fight every day for our freedoms and for a government who could care less if they die, after all I grew up in a very proud military family. We can not keep our presence in over 100 nations and think we can win a war against an idea. And if what I have said offends or places me on someones "hate list" then so be it, it only goes to prove that you have little understanding of the vast complexity that is global affairs.



And so now we are left with Clinton or Obama. Both of them will plunge us into a socialist state, both will over turn the Constitution and both will allow half the Nation to become voting districts for Mexico.



Yes they defend GLBT rights but we are not GLBT we are AMERICANS all having the same rights and all having the same defense in the Constitution. Separating us into "GLBT" or "African-Americans" or "Women" and so on only goes to divide us and allows racism, sexism, homophobia and "your ism here" to thrive. Making an amendment to allow or preventing gay marriage is totally un-Constitutional and should be left up to the States. If a State passes a law in either direction it is the right of that population to do so.



They will keep our boarders open and allow illegals to further degrade our Sovereignty and continue to chip away at our financial stability. Yes people have the right to come here but only legally. A million crimes a year are committed by illegals and tens of billions of dollars are spent each year catching them, providing health care, education, clothes and so on for illegals. To come into a nation illegally means you have no honour and no real concept of the rule of Law. It is that black and white, that dry-cut and any option other than punishment for illegals is an offense against the American Nation.



Now we move to health care and social programmes. Although the intent is well meaning socialized health care costs far to much and will bankrupt the nation. Things like welfare only goes to provide the lazy with a means of survival. I am in complete agreement that we should help the truly needy but anyone who refuses to work, keep their legs closed or in anyway not contribute to society (if able) should have zero support. He that does not work should not eat. It is theft of your money to take, in the form of taxes, and then give it to someone who decides not to work. I have heard many stories and seen with my own eyes the amount of waste we give to the unethical. Local governments, churches, private programmes etc. should be the ones who helps the truly needy not the Federal Government.



I know that I have been writing in strong words but the reality of the situation is very bleak. We stand upon a precipice and even the slightest of winds can push us over. Our currency is plunging due to mismanagement(social programmes and wars) and illegal forms of financing (Federal Reserve) and taxation (IRS) and we are on the verge of national death.



So now after I have painted such a dreadful picture who do we vote for? Simple vote Democrat! Now why do I say that having said such terrible things about them? Because McCain will tare this nation apart and end up killing many more troops, institute a draft, crush our currency even more and in general bring this nation to total collapse.



We are faced with two evils, socialism or military regime. While they both will, in the end, ruin this Nation; one will do it with blood and the other will do it with money.



Vote Democrat or start a REAL revolution. Revolution, through all peaceable means if possible, is our only real hope. It is our legal obligation and right via the Declaration of Independence and we have the means if you know who you should look to.



-X


COMMENTS

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From a Very Special Friend

02:20 Mar 07 2008
Times Read: 878


Photobucket




This was made for me by a very special friend of mine named Dawn (RainbowPrincess). There is a great deal of meaning behind the image that only the two of us will understand. I'll love you forever Dawn in this life and the next :)

COMMENTS

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RainbowPrincess
RainbowPrincess
03:40 Mar 07 2008

I love you too sweetie & will love you always & forever. You are an amazing person & I am so glad to have been lucky enough to have met you. *hugs*





 

What a night!!

11:35 Mar 02 2008
Times Read: 890


So today after staying indoors for 2 weeks I finally went out. I went to my usual haunt to meet with a new friend I met online and later to meet with some people to discuss the diminsional model Im coming out with. The man I was meeting was a gay Christian who wanted to meet me because of my views on the church. I thought the encounter was going to be an hour or so of conversation, a hug and goodbye. I was wrong :)



He came in about 9pm and asked what I was working on. I had been doing some more physics before he came to finish up the DM and I told him it was some boring science stuff and asked how his day was. He said his day was fine an proceeded to tell me he used to be an engineer in the Air Force and would like to know more about my theories.

After 3 hours of talking about physics, religion and personal notes my "12 o'clock" arrived.



She sat down next to me and pulled out her phone showing me the new girl she was playing with, he joined right in the madness. From 12 midnite to 4am we all talked about military programmes, physics, religion, music, personal stories and what kind of porn we all liked.



Other than the girl and her husband (who works at the place) I have never found another person who I could talk to for SEVEN hours about such a wide range of topics. If I recall correctly he even blew off his friends he was going to see after me..to stay and talk.



I am absolutly exhausted and in a great deal of pain from sitting so long but at the same time I so freakin giddy I could scream. And to top it off he wasnt half-bad looking :) Who says the perfect man doesnt exist haha.



I had wondered what he thought about me but after going over the events in my head it was clear he really liked me...he chewed his straw to shreads, made lots of eye contact, ate like a pig (only do this if a person is comfortable) and 10 min after we parted I got a text from him asking when the next time he could see me is.



Anyway Im happy as hell and hopfully my search for a cute gay ubber nerd will be over! :)


COMMENTS

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Sinora
Sinora
12:52 Mar 02 2008

Enjoy lol





LadyChordewa
LadyChordewa
16:26 Mar 02 2008

Sounds wonderful hon. Glad to see you are still getting out. *hugs*



 

Another Day *you dont have to read this*

11:04 Mar 01 2008
Times Read: 892


You know life is interesting. Sometimes you feel well and other times you fee like crap. For most people its just "another day in the life" type of scenario but for me the days that are bad are simply another sign of things to come.



I have been ill for 2 years but only recently was diagnosed with Shy-Drager which sould be fatal in the next 4 years and have only recently been worsening. I have always had the suspision that one day I would die from a neurologic type of illness but it was always "out-there" away from the real world. I know many people deal with worse on a daily basis and what may be alright for some is bad for others but I am still dealing with the very real emotional issues.



Im sure one day I'll get tired of posting about it but in my life I have very few people around me so for the time being I'll keep up my expresions here.



Yesterday was a good day but today hasnt been so good. I woke up about 3 times during the night unable to move or breath. Got on the computer to see my hands jerk and shake. Even now some 18 hours later I still have little control over the finer movements of my hands. But still all was well until a few moments ago when it once again dawned on me how little time I have left. You might think I would be out "living the life" but no I'd rather write and teach. Of course it doesnt help the fact that, I wouldnt mind having a bit of fun, but alas I can hardly drive anymore due to hand tremors and blurred vision.



I used to measure time in a way which made it totaly irrelevent, years seemed like few months and days like hours but now I measure time in days and days seem like weeks. I still have a hard time understanding the finite nature of time; it used to, be quite literally, boundless but now it makes me rather sick to think how things have changed.



To talk to me you would never know how much I really think about my situation or how badly the realization of it all affects me. I simply say "yeah Im dying, so hows the weather" but I feel so helpless. Why do I even begin to write down these things I know people care very little about it, and I am fine with that after all Im just a guy from the internet. But still I try not to burden my family or friends with the intense nature of it all, at least here people have a choice to read or not.



You know a week ago I nearly burnt my condo down because I went tp sleep with something in the oven. Even today I still dont know what the burnt and smoking object was. I dont remember putting anything in there and no idea what happended. I called my Mother and spoke with her about my feelings and for the first time in nearly a decade (which is a long time because Im very young) I broke down in tears of emotion.



I am listening to Rachmaninov's Piano Concerto No.3 (the Rach 3) and remembering the days when I conducted vast musucal productions and thinking how in the span of 8 years or so I went from an actor who also conducted music to a political activist who has advanced the relms of theoretical physics by at least 15 years. From creating a working 32 diminsional model to discribing the nature of the universe and figuring out how the big bang banged (still gotta wait for me to publish that one folks ;) ) I sit and think of the past.



You know at a time I spoke to crowded rooms about Consitutional law and the need for the devolution of the Union and worked with groups from accross the earth on their aims for independence. And now I sit.



I could get up and move the earth if I wanted to but I dont. I used to be a wealthy ass boy but after spending 3k a month on medical costs one tends to loose money rapidly. I sit because I am so disillusioned with the current political climate and utterly out of passion for life. Even though I have been placed on some of the best meds for pain and depression I still stay up at night writhing in pain feeling hoplessly lost.



Some have said if things are so bad why dont you give up and kill yourself. Truthfully I have given up but Im not that selfish to die just yet. I still look forward to the days when I am able to teach and to the people on here who have helped me through so much.



This is turning out to be a rather long entry :)



Truthfully there isnt enough words or room to say all that I feel. Although I have lived a life a emotional steel I now feel compelled to share, to open even if no one listens because its something I have needed to do for seeming centuries.



I supose I shall end this for tonight.



Goodnight all -X


COMMENTS

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Sinora
Sinora
13:08 Mar 02 2008

Your ideas re the Universe go way over my head.



That's okay, because I understand other things.



Things like being in pain and feeling lost.



I've wasted alot of years being afraid of alot of things, before understanding that being afraid really is a waste.



When I read your journal, I don't 'see' just a guy on the internet......I 'feel' someone wanting to make sense and leave something behind for others, while at the same time trying to loose his fear of the future.



You and I are worlds apart on one level.....but we journey to the same destination.



Who knows which one of us will get there first ? lol









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