You know what I think would be best? To just take a break from guys, for a very long time. At least take a break from dating etc because it doesn't seem wise to try to jump into anything soon after all of this.
At least it'll give me time to pursue other, more enjoyable or important things.
This really isn't worth reading. All it is are my thoughts, some fairly private, other perhaps random. But you know me, I very rarely mark something private and most of my actual "private" entries are just stats, notes, etc.
I've never been afraid of the future. I've always looked at it as this great blank canvas on which I could create any number of possibilities. The past several months though I've started to be afraid of the future but today I sit absolutely terrified of tomorrow and all the days to come.
I began a strong, well off, land owning individual. Anything I wanted I could get. I would plan things, go to school, work, make my dreams come true (and the dreams of others). However I now find myself in a position of zero money, I can't work, I'm dependent on others for most things, I can't live alone and I'm barely allowed to drive. Everything that would make a man productive in society, in a relationship is just about gone. Everything that is except my mind, my heart, my desire to see others do well and grow, my ability to love, to make someones wishes and desires come true as much as a caring person could. And as my ability to earn cash went away, my ability to help pay rent, to contribute in a more "common" way ended I thought I found my salvation.
I thought I found what would give me stability, a roof, protection, support, love, freedom, daily needs, time, affection, to be there if I needed etc. I thought I found that and in return I would give love, affection, guidance, support, physical care and the ability to at least take care of my own medical needs. I thought I found the way out, a way to a future above being the stereotypical cripple living on the government dime. Today started like it would really happen but ended with me gripped with fear.
People go through so much more than I do and make it. One key difference though that most have is the knowledge and reality of stability and someone to pick them up when they fall. I don't know if come tomorrow, next week, next month, I'll have that and if not I see no way out.
I'm used to being able to look at any situation, over any period of time and find the solution. For some reason I can't do that now. It's like a wall I simply can't get through.
Nothing about me says I can go through life alone nor would I ever desire to do so. I need stability, affection, love and strength and without it...
Perhaps I really do ask to much. But that can't be right because I know of others in this very situation who has love and stability. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place, asking the wrong questions. I just don't know, or perhaps I'm just right but haven't found the 'right'.
I can not live life alone and I don't want to. A relationship should be 50/50 in all things, giving and taking, providing affection and receiving it. I can't provide true 50 on some things, there are times and areas where I need to be carried but in other areas I can give so much more than 50, is that not enough? Perhaps not.
What I thought I had brought me so much happiness and peace and the person that I thought could offer it....ohhh just makes me shiver with joy. I thought it would be a matter of simple switches, adjustments, compromises etc but maybe I was naive or maybe I blinded myself to the truth for the strength of my desire. I still hold out hope that all of this will prove to be nothing more than the doubts of a stressed mind and that it will be ok but if it really is true...
I wouldn't have a clue how to go on. Even moving, the chances it would bring, I couldn't do for the simple fact that I can not be alone.
Sure, I could hold up where I am now. I could be alone but live with someone and slowly let myself go, give up. But I can't agree to that. I'd rather die than give up or be in a position where that's my only option.
Ok sure, I'm gay and in a gay relationship I am the "girl". Now normally it would only apply to the bedroom but because of everything else it might as well apply to the rest. So say I was a "good little woman", all I want is a good husband. And that analogy is the truth, that's all I'm looking for. Sadly, as far as I can see, that's also the only way out of this "position" I've been placed in. But I don't mind so long as it happens.
What would really suck is if this issue was created by me simply because I misunderstood.
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hugs tightly...im fighting my own demons as well my dear as you very well know.
That was an interesting read. Your smart enough to know that fear can really screw up your life even to the point of you losing what you most desire, you must have just forgotten that, so I thought I'd remind ya *hugs*.
I'm going to start talking to people in both Greenville and Charlotte NC to try and find out which is the best. If the problem still can't be resolved then I'll postpone the move until spring 2011 and move to south Fl and be done with it.
Thanks to Jo (my ex) I've now got nearly half the money I need for my tooth procedure. And I didn't even have to bend over!....well, not much ;)
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blah blah blah....tell us about the new bloombox invention, do you think the technology is sound?
sorry to hear that but things will get better blessed be
I had an interesting night. I'm not sure I really care to talk about it but again it did almost make me cry lol and like I've said before this thing serves many more purposes than just an online "VR" journal.
So I go out with Jo around 7 PM I think to take care of a bit of biz and to see each other for the first time in 2-3 years. We end up going to his friends apt and as usual they're quit different from me. Despite the class difference and one guys verbal disdain for the "bourgeois" things seemed to go nicely. That is until Jo brought up the fact that we first started dating when I was an adult and he 17. Now I really don't have much of a problem with age and I think that the specific 17/18 line is based in nothing more than arbitrary personal opinions, void of any scientific fact. This guy saw things a bit differently.
Now he had a few years of negative sexual contact by an older person when he was a child (he was 9 the guy 13) and even though the age gap isn't that substantial it doesn't change the fact that it was very much unwanted contact. So I can understand having a bit of a different view than I do, but not to the extent his is.
He was very adamant that someone 17 years 364 days old and someone 18 years 1 day old were completely different and that regardless of issue or circumstance the "adult" is always to blame. (even in the case of a 16 year old knocking up some chick, it's the parents fault fully..I disagree) The situation with Jo was with him being the aggressive one and in fact the first time we had sex he was doing me and there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it (even if were to attempt to fight). Jo was also living on his own, paying his own bills etc. Since he was physically, emotionally, mentally and economically developed and stable once I found out he was 17 (I didn't know at first) I did not view him as a "child" since I happen to follow science, something with an actual foundation, and I try to look at a persons capacity and not use arbitrary ideas.
He went on about how disgusting I was during that time, regardless of anything I was to blame fully, my attempts at explanation were just me trying to justify it in my mind and that I was, in a word, pathological. Even though I was greatly annoyed by having to accept that his *opinions* were at least valid to him he refused to accept the possibility that my opinions or beliefs based on fact were even plausibly valid but that didn't really hurt. It's not like I haven't met people like him before. Heck I even told him that his total refusal to see another side, not listen etc was actually (by definition) a sign of a pathological problem (something he did say might be possible later on).
What hurt me was when he said he'd never let his son, a minor, near me because I wasn't safe. That hurt a lot and did bring a tear to eye.
Jo kept trying to defend me and asked him to not let something that happened years ago, that wasn't wrong in Jo's eyes either, to affect how he thought about me. Then the guy said that it wasn't possible, again that I was disgusting and that knowing what he did only leaves a huge mark against my character.
At that point I told Jo, guy listening, that any further discussion was pointless because all he cared about was his opinion, being formed by a terrible event (some 20 plus yrs prior), that he lacked the capacity to see things from a different point of view, didn't care about the issues of biology, human history and evolution and that I probably wouldn't be coming back.
The guy asked why I even cared what he thought, we had only just met after all. I said that we're human and humans connect. It would be ashame if people couldn't become friends because of a (generally) unimportant personal opinion and that I was used to people being able to rise above such things.
Believe what you will about me but I'm a fairly sensitive person. I try harder than most to look for the good in people, to not assume things were done with mal-intent and I have a firm belief that the only reason two people can't be friends is because of a great lack of emotional and mental maturity on one or both parts. And even a random person calling me a child molester hurts.
A bit later I started getting sick and had to come home. I just woke up at around 3:30 AM.
So that's how my night went, I shoulda stayed home and kept talking to K lol.
Well shit! I went to the dentist expecting to get a simple filling and get told I have two options, root canal or extraction.
This sucks ass. The root canal is $1,400 and the extraction is $700. Now part of the reason it's so much is because I'm on strong pain meds the stuff they'd normally use to numb the area won't exactly work so they have to put me under. I hate to but I'm going to have to go with the extraction.
I have to get this done in the next few weeks but I have no clue how I'm going to afford the whole thing, part sure, all no. The dentist gave me some antibiotics in the mean time to keep something even worse from happening.
On the good side while I was at the pharmacy I saw the most beautiful boy. He was tall, tanned, wonderful complexion, my idea of a perfect body (as in can not be improved upon) and a sweet ass.
Obviously I'm checking out everything I can find about Greenville (compared to Charlotte) before I decide if that's where I want to move to. There's only one real negative (that I can see so far) and that's Greenville's near total lack of a gay community. Even the university seems to be struggling to provide an open atmosphere let alone actual GLBT groups/services.
But Charlotte doesn't have near the educational requirements I'm looking for.
This sucks.
So I bought a new facial skin care regiment (no it doesn't include sperm lol). As AYW always reminds me about I tend to have puffiness under my eyes. I have no clue why and I haven't really figured out how to change that. This new stuff should help...at least it better cuz it was expensive! lol One of the ingredients is caffeine, which is odd but not really.
The other things are a foaming scrub and new type of moisturizer. So within the next week or two I should teeter on pretty :)
Tomorrow the dentist I go. Not *yay* :P
I think Jenn wants to go with me to Greenville which makes me uber happy bc I don't care to be left alone someplace, even though it's my idea to move. (not that there's much of a reason to not)
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well atleast moving to greenville you will be closer to us lol
puffy eyes add character....just look at bill clinton lol
A few things:
A) I found my fav type of bottled water. It comes from a glacial feed spring in Iceland. It tastes like Y U M M Y!
B) I may be a genius but sometimes even the obvious can escape me. I had no clue Graham Norton was gay! lol I thought he was but then I figured he was just being British :P haha But no he's gay (still not sure of the difference) and I adore his show.
C) I need a hubby, for real, and not just one by words only.
D) Still thinking about moving and hoping Greenville, NC is going to be the best place. I'm tempted to look at the west coast of FL but I'm not sure if I want to deal with storms and the cost of living.
Of course when talking about moving I run into a big problem. I'm not allowed to live alone and I really don't want to but if I were to go right now it seems that may be the case. It freaks me out to be honest. Eh, maybe I'll move to Colorado, at least I know someone there lol.
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Not only is he gay, but he stars in a gay porno called 'Another Gay Movie'
I am NOT that gay!!! lol
ah huh but can you say that with a straight face that you are NOT that GAy ?
I'm heading out for a walk. It's in the 60's today and I don't wanna waste it. Monday I'll be going to the dentist to finally get my toof fixed.
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Totally jealous! it's only like 40 here...real happy about monday though :)
I like going to the dentist for some odd reason. They clean your teeth and make them nice and white. :)
Well this sucks. I just did a search for guys in Greenville, NC on a very popular gay site. Almost all of them are, we'll just say not my type. :(
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you mean big burly and hairy don't you lol
He means none of them were on his level of intelligence, don't you X :P
Yup. They weren't at my level of intelligence and they weren't 16, 5'11, 140lb, tan, blue eyes and black hair with 2% body fat :P haha
I'm sorry, I can't lower my intelligence to your level :P
Okay, and I fail every other aspect, bite me :D
Poor thing.
Intelligence is lacking a lot in the World a lot lately.. -sigh-
Arg! I forgot how bad a toothache hurts. This tooth on the right side is killing me, even oral gel stuff doesn't really work. I tried putting some powdered pill in the hole (filling fell out) but that didn't do a whole lot either. It doesn't hurt all the time but when it does, damn!
On a happy note I got the coins LDK sent me and I loves them! Thanks again doll :D
I had an interesting day I guess. This morning I had a meeting with my therapist and I told her about my desire to move.
For the past several months I've thought about moving fairly seriously and then the last week or two I think I've decided on Greenville, NC. Well it seems that's a good idea. My therapist used to live in NC and said that Greenville was a really nice town and the surrounding area had a lot to offer someone like me. So the plan is, when I get my disability money I'll take a vacation to Greenville and also out to the Outer Banks then depending on how I feel about the place I'll make the actual move within 2 months of the vacation. All of this should be done by the end of this year.
Later today I went to lunch and my uncle and cousin walked in. I hadn't seen her in about 10 years, she used to live in an apt we owned. She and I got a long great but because of various issues I won't talk about here we lost contact. But now she has all my info and I hers. I'm pretty excited about that and hope we can actually maintain a relationship this time.
I got home about 5 PMish and for some reason mom and I started talking about my future, family, potential of kids etc. As usual she said that she's sure God will show me the *woman* that's right for me (even though I don't think I ever gave the impression I'm planning on not being gay at some point). So I made some joke about a guy being a "lady" and then she came back with, well maybe she'll just get a strap-on.
O
M
G
You'd have to know her but that was the most insanely funny,out of nowhere, freak comment ever!
Yes I want a perfect hubby (perfect in the sense that he's everything I need and want) but not if he is really a she with a plastic wee. :)
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Yay for moms who know what's going on....sounds like she is more hip than we know! :P
Haha. I bet you were speechless when she mentioned 'strap on' I can just picture it now. 'OMG MOM!' lol
I tried all I could but when people literally are mentally unhinged no amount of logic, kindness or peace will win.
It's Valentines Day and my brother, in league with the woman who threw him out of his own house on Christmas Day, has agreed to keep my niece and nephew away from me and our mothers grandchildren away from her. Breaking his own words, the agreement, we all made not 8 days ago.
He can live his life but it won't include me in it. It hurts like hell and it hurts even more to know that I may not be able to see Jonah and Sadie until they're 18, at least 6 years from now. But what can I do? For 14 years I was denied seeing the kids, seeing my brother when everyone of the in-laws got what they wanted. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to wait even longer.
I've got other things I must focus on and fighting, legal wrangling etc just isn't worth the additional pain and damage.
K sent me a nice thing of flowers (roses and such) along with a teddy bear and some chocolate via delivery. It was super nice to get especially cuz I've been feeling pretty sucky today.
I've only gotten flowers a few times and this was def. the best :)
Thank ya babe
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Aaww that is sweet! Got to admit it sounds better than what i got....which of course was nothing as always lol
I am glad it made your day! You need a lot more days like that cuz
But were they Truffles ? hehe
Wow, I've been having an amazing (4hr at least) convo with my ex Jo. He's changed a lot, it's nice to see.
Looks like I get to spend this weekend with all of you instead.
Yikes! I had a very upsetting dream last night. I'm used to having bad dreams, they happen almost every night but this one was worse than usual. For the most part because it was something that directly related to me in real life and dealt with some fears/concerns I've had over the past 1-2 years. I suppose I understand why I had it but I don't really get why I had it when I did or even its purpose.
Maybe it had something to do with the dreadful day I had yesterday all thanks to my brother, mom and ex-wife/sister in law.
On that note, I think I told you that ex-wife had blocked our number so we couldn't call her but she had also blocked it from the kids phones as well so we couldn't call them. Now unless the grandmother (mom) or uncle (me) are a danger to the kids there is NO justifiable moral reason to keep us apart and according to state and federal law it's also illegal to do so.
Well yesterday everything hit the fan. My brother, the ever wise thinker, decided it would be a good thing to bring wife here, without letting us know, to try and "work things out". That didn't happen. Ex wife went on and on about how hurt she was, how bro is a horrible father (something thats only been true for a few weeks), her total inability to lie and yadda yadda. Then she said something that she really shouldn't have said and after mom told her to get out of the house several times and she refused my 57 year old mother picker her up and "removed" her from the place she was. It was freaky as shit but also funny as hell.
From there everything fell apart. And since no one dared ask me what I thought it continued to suck for a very long time. Then finally I was able to speak and I got the kids back, I made things at least good enough to where some communication could happen and I assured that my brother would indeed be going to treatment today.
Nothing pisses me off more than when people include me in things yet wont listen to me or will ask my opinion and then completely disregard it. Unlike most folks, I can keep my emotions out of things, I can offer proper and clear judgment on issues even if I'm involved in it. Why? Because I don't like bullshit, I prefer for everyone involved to get the most possible even if that means I have to let go of something.
I've never given bad advice and any time anyone has asked me for help, so long as they do what I suggest, things get better. That's not being conceited but honest and I always ask for examples where this isn't true and well....I ain't got none :)
If you need my help, take it and use it. And if I ask for something small in return it's a really good idea to give it because it's nothing compared to what I gave. And the last few paragraphs goes for just about every circumstance.
So thats why I was rather distant yesterday and why I'm still in a bit of mood. Severe crap tends to upset me somewhat. I also think that what happened might have had something to do w the bad dream.
I'm really looking forward to not having anything to talk about relating to the crap bro/wife has put me through and being able to use my journal for less white trashy things.
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I am really sorry that things happened like they did do hope that everything is somewhat better. Just keep in mind that your friends are always here no matter what to listen to you. Keep smiling.
I'm sorry but the Superbowl doesn't matter a damn.
It's totally fine to like sports, play them, watch them etc Sports can be a really important and positive thing in a persons life but to get so involved?
This is JUST the internet and that is JUST a game.
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I don't give a damn about the Super Bowl either...waste of time and money.
I felt really out of the loop... Being in Australia, I had no idea who these Saint's were everyone had scribbled into their kismets. We don't really have anything that big over here sporting wise.
Well, there is the strong correlation between the winner of the Super Bowl and the stock market.
Oh yes I forgot, so does that mean we have the winners of last years Super Bowl to blame for our current economic situation? :P
*shakes head* its just toiletduc ....sports , you either get it or you dont xzavier, its a lot like video game geeks.
It's isn't 'just a game', and it does mater. Of course, it wouldn't matter to someone who didn't care. The same would go for people who don't like music, art, children, and other wonderful things... those things make or break some people's lives- while others simply don't prefer it and could take it or leave it.
The Superbowl is a great American past-time, and we watch people live out their dreams for an evening- on behalf of a lifetime goal and on behalf of their respective cities. Feeling good means a hell of a lot.
I have personally experienced my city under the most tragic circumstances and watched and joined them in crying for weeks and months over the most horrifying things right in front of my face. Last night could not have been more of a 180 turn around for us. The game mattered in ways you couldn't wrap your head around.
Morale matters. High spirits matter. What we did, was live an amazing historical moment in regards to something that mattered to us. And if I lived somewhere else without any of these experiences or cares of football, I could only be happy for those people feeling that way.
Finally! It's been a long 8 weeks but its finally over, I only wish it ended on more of a high note.
Last night my brother lied repeatedly and then stole $60. He bought a fair amount of pills and booze and didn't come home until 7 AM. Mom has finally listened to me and she told him he could go into treatment this Monday or live on the streets.
Everything is set up for him to go into a 6 month treatment programme. It's a very serious place and if he leaves before the time is up he'll be charged with a felony. And even after he gets out he'll not be allowed to stay here anymore.
It sucks and is very embarrassing that all of this is going on but at least my little corner of the world will be at peace again and he'll get the professional help he needs.
I'm exceedingly glad to put an end to this dreadful chapter.
COMMENTS
At least your mother finally realized he needed help.
I hope your brother agrees to entering rehabilitation. He is lucky he has people who have set it up for him. I hope for your family and for his sake that he embraces this "gift".
Wow...what a way to go. He did need help. I hope he gets it and can turn his life around. You and mom need some peace and quiet.
About time Aunt Charlotte woke up & took a whiff of the coffee!! I knew something was fishy the last time i was there & he seemed to be playing the "good son" part.... He does need the help & maybe this will be the start of a new life for him....
I go to the dr today and have two things I want to talk to him about. One I'm not going to share but the other deals with both my shoulders. For the past 2 years or so I've been able to pop them at will and kind of move them around in their sockets which isn't exactly 'normal' but it's not a big deal either. However the past couple of months they've gotten seriously bad. I think the muscles have either lost their ability to hold my shoulder in place correctly or something but at times even doing a simple arm movement my shoulder will move out and cause intense pain, almost to the point of vomiting. So we'll talk about that lol.
Last month I actually saw my dr on a TV show on Discovery Health, it was pretty cool.
I enjoy this dr so much more than Dr. Nwofia and really glad I found this office. Plus it's $80 cheaper! :)
So someone told me earlier today that my profile pic looks a bit like Ben Affleck. Who do you think I look like? (from any of my pics)
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randy travis....but you know this lol
Randy Travis yeah, the shape of the head, but the expression...someone else.Whose lips have you got there? hmm.
maybe a cross between randy travis and keiffer southerland lol
I tried to buy a movie, it was rated 'R'. They wouldn't sell it to me because my license expired in Dec. I haven't driven in a year so that's not on my top 10 list of things to do. Point is I'm obviously not 16 and I had bought things from the same store last week that needed ID and they let me have it.
I just wanted to give them money and watch a movie!!!!
COMMENTS
Should feel honored that they thought you were way younger then you are.
see if you walked in smelling of booze they wouldnt have questioned ya lol
kids pfft j/k
on the positive side, feel happy, you will look eternaly young, never aging, getting the kids's discount at the theater... lol j/k
Just finished doing my moms taxes. Each year I do pretty much everyone's taxes for them and they usually give me a few bucks for the trouble. And that works out nicely, they save $50+ by not having to file it at an office and they don't have to deal with the stress or time of filing it online and I get something for the effort. I like it actually, maybe I should go work for the IRS haha
ACKKKK! I about died! So, I wake up at 5 AM to go potty and I turn on the bathroom light, look at the toilet and there it was. This spider, sitting in the middle of the bowl (in the water) with it's 2 front legs raised. I swear I almost passed out.
Thankfully I was able to gather the nerve to flush it, twice. I don't know if it was a brown recluse but it sure did remind me of one. I'm guessing it had crawled out through a tiny hole in the wall where the water pipe comes through, crawled around and feel in. Anyway it seriously scared me and I um did not use the toilet lol
I have a monstrous fear of spiders and have for about as long as I can remember. Now, it has gotten better over the years but if I see one, especially with it's legs up, I freak.
Anyway now I keep feeling little "pricks" all over my body, like I'm being bitten, lol.
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dont be such a wuss, its only a spider .
Wait..... you don't like feeling pricks all over your body?
Sorry, I know it was bad, but I couldn't resist.
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