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19 entries this month
23:32 Feb 19 2009
Times Read: 848
It only took 5 days but my fever finally broke. I'm still pretty tired and not fully over it but I'm just glad the darn fever is gone.
I got 7oz of silver in the mail today which makes me uber happy.
02:55 Feb 17 2009
Times Read: 881
Ugh. What was a sore throat has turned into a pretty icky illness with a steady 101 temp. I got some antibiotics but my dr told me it would probably get worse over night and then start to get better tomorrow.
I know I was supposed to put up the 2nd part of the GRB entry but that's going to have to wait for a while.
Well off to sleep.
21:54 Feb 14 2009
Times Read: 898
I'm sick! *cries* Woke up and my throat is killing me. I can't stand sinus issues n such. My mom has been pretty sick for around 4 days, with a lot of hard and heavy coughing (makes me a bit nervous for her actually) and I'm really hoping I don't have what she does. I'm also hoping my throat doesn't get any worse.
Nuthin like a Valentines Day when you can't swallow ;) haha
(Yes you can run with that BL, LDR, CD and AWY) lol
Don't think I'm going to hang out with Jenn today. I was really looking forward to it but I know the more I talk the worse my throat will get. Hopefully (praying) I'll feel good enough to at least give her the bday present I got her.
07:22 Feb 14 2009
Times Read: 915
Hot guys should not be allowed to be straight! Geez, at least go bi ya lil punk.
*takes a deep breath*
Of course hot gay guys need to not be so, um flaming? lol
Another Valentines day alone :( Maybe I'll get to see K around the end of the month.
10:35 Feb 13 2009
Times Read: 926
The most perfect thing has happened to me!
Many years ago I was given a ring on my birthday, on behalf of my family. This ring was gold, it had a Celtic cross in the centre with a large emerald. It was part of a collection and very few were made. For the next 4 years or so I wore it everyday. It had a massive amount of sentimental value but I was also able to use for several official things (which I wont get into).
Anyway, about a year ago I lost it. It was soon after I had moved into a new condo and bit before I started getting sick. It really put me in a bad way and for a number of days I was in, well, shock to be honest. I know you're thinking I'm nuts to have been so attached to an object but it was more than just a pretty thing for my finger.
Well today, 4 AM, I found one of the other rings (same design) that had been cast for this collection. Thanks to an individual I was able to purchase it. I should have my new old ring (which has actually never been worn before) within a week or so. I can't tell you how happy this makes me. This puts me over the moon :)
--X
03:24 Feb 13 2009
Times Read: 933
Woot! Renoly Santiago (from the film "Hackers" w Angelina Jolie) just sent me a personal comment on my MySpace. Always nice to get things like that.
00:26 Feb 13 2009
Times Read: 953
I can no longer support Obama whatsoever. It's foolish to turn a blind eye when it's obvious he has no real control over his own administration and can't have an original thought.
So far we've spent around $3 trillion in various "stimulus" packages/programmes when something like illegal immigrants cost our economy over $350 billion a year (along with 1 million sex crimes). Then there's the whole thing with the census bureau being thrown in under White House control. The lack of real bipartisanship. I haven't seen him make even half ass pass at "healing the divide." D.C has turned into Chicago which (I didn't think it was possible) is making D.C even more corrupt.
I could go on but I won't. This isn't really meant as anything other than me just letting off some steam. I tried to be optimistic about him but he's shown that I was right to doubt him.
What a total bit of crap. We wont have 8 years of Bush, we will have years of a new Roosevelt, just without the world war. If you recall it was Roosevelt who kept the depression going for many years because of his socialist programmes. If you think Obama will make things better then you're a total fool.
What did Lincoln, Roosevelt, Hitler and Obama all have in common? Great speakers, socialist agendas and a dislike for personal liberty, capitalism, freedom of speech and a few other things. Not saying Obama is like Hitler when it comes to mass murder but he is like him on a number of ways.
I just calls it like I see it. Don't like it then go cry someplace else.
06:21 Feb 12 2009
Times Read: 984
The next time someone corrects my spelling I'm going to go off on them. In case you don't know I'm dyslexic and the last time I "learned" anything in regards to spelling was in the 7th grade, which is when I left school for college.
While in college I focused on my majors and only paid a glancing pass at language, well spelling and syntax anyway.
Although I've been out of school for two years I'm still dyslexic. It's not exactly something you can be "cured" of in a week, if at all. I don't take well to people who don't know me correcting me or attempting to "school" me in English, or in anything else. I don't mind when people I know inform me of an error or while chatting let me know the right way to spell something. However, they also need to take great care in doing so. Just because we're friends doesn't grant you the right to correct every little spelling mistake I may make.
Yes I know there's something called spell-check but unlike some I don't have the time to use it for every little thing I write. It's also not all that important when you at least know what I'm trying to write and it's not some official thing, like VR.
I try to use spell-check as much as possible but being a master of grammar and all things linguistic isn't my goal in life. If it's yours then focus on yourself not me.
Like I said before I don't mind friends respectfully showing me the right way to spell something but no one is afforded the right of familiarity so don't act like it. I've gone through a lot in regards to this and I try my best to not let it upset me or to let other people's actions get to me but that doesn't always work.
I also get annoyed when I see people telling others to use spell-check, especially in a mean spirited context. Spelling is very important but it's not the measure of a persons intelligence so stop acting like it is. A persons vocabulary, ability to think in non-linear terms, communication through imagery, capacity to learn and/or teach, memory etc these things are the measure of intelligence not if you can spell "sea anemone".
End of rant, thanks for reading.
05:45 Feb 11 2009
Times Read: 1,000
It really sucks when the person you love goes to bed and you can't be there with them. I must be losing it ........or at least deeply in love. I actually teared up when he told me he had to go, never happened before. Not sure if I like it or not. Can we really last? I hope so, with everything in my being.
I have people telling me to be careful, "watch out or you're going to get hurt." I don't want to listen. There isn't enough in me to pick up any pieces should this collapse so what's the point of guarding myself?
Every time I get a message from him, no matter how brief, just makes things so much better. He brings such joy to my life. I don't know if he knows this or not but I listen to every word he says, or doesn't say and I take it to heart, both the good and the bad. He has the ability to make me ecstatic with joy and the ability to crush me with just a simple word or phrase, a look or tone. It's unwise to place myself in a position like that but I can't help it.
I can only hope it's the same way with him. I can only hope everything I do brings him only joy and not pain.
In all but one relationship I've been in I was the one who ended it, this time I'll do anything and everything to keep it from ending. Not that I think it's going to, not by a long shot, just expressing things. Perhaps I'm a bit too tired right now and my brain is getting mushy lol. I do know that everything I've written here (except maybe this paragraph) has been the total truth, free from the influences of a squishy brain :) lol
Tomorrow I really need to clean my Vans and white shoes. I need to polish and wax 3 of my leather shoes as well.
I can feel my back going out. Started a few days ago and now it's really difficult for me to move without being in pain so I doubt I'll be able to finish the house work or the other small projects I had going on. Time for sleep.
11:08 Feb 10 2009
Times Read: 1,018
I got news today that an old friend and former boss of mine had died. Her name was Marry and she was my boss while I was a manager at the local Hobby Lobby.
She was a heavy smoker, had that raspy voice and was an absolutely wonderful woman. She always had a joke to tell and was a very effective yet patient and kind employer. There were few times when you didn't see a cigarette in her hand, part of that of course, was the fact that our store was/is one of the most profitable out of the whole multi-billion dollar company.
She couldn't have been more than 55 and died in her sleep of a massive and sudden heart attack. I'm going to miss her.
Now then on to my day.
I was finally able to get a hair cut and highlights (I'll add a pic soon). It only took 2 hours which is pretty fast for me. After that I went to Hobby Lobby to get some decorative chests/boxes (I'll also put up some pics). For the past 3 years or so I've been obsessed with really cool boxes, chests and similar containers, always a great gift idea for me that's for true.
Then I went and got some CK Obsession and a few extra things to round off the great shopping spree Jenn paid for :) I think we spent around $800 the past 2 days lol Usually I'll spend that in one mall but she isn't as inclined to spend like I am, still a good start.
Of course starting mid month she'll be saving lots toward a new car and I've got to buckle down and focus on my investments but she's still going to give me a modest shopping allowance as well as take over my monthly medical bills.
When I had money I never hesitated to spend or give money to friends and I'm very glad she's the same way. Heck I did give her a gold/ruby/diamond heart necklace and a black pearl/platinum/diamond ring, both of which she lost. So I figure she still owes me around $1400 in goodies lol. Not to mention all the other things I do for her and others (taxes, tutoring, medical help, transportation etc).Of course life isn't perfect, and despite the ginormous generosity of Jenn I'll still be cutting it really close to being able to take care of myself and if something major were to happen I'd be pretty screwed, and something major happens every few months. I really need to find an additional source of income beyond investments. Maybe once K gets things settled he can help, or at least mail himself down here once in a while so I can play ;)
I've been thinking on the Book of Revelation and the end times and I have come to the conclusion that the end of the world (as described in the Bible) may very well be the result of a gamma ray burst. I'll go into that in detail some other time.
It looks like I'll be spending this Valentines day alone, as K will be at work and 500 miles away. The more I think on it the sadder I get. I was really looking forward to being able to see him and to have a better time than the last time I was there. Although we have some pretty big differences and can piss each other off rather quickly just the thought of his hands and how they feel puts me at ease. So much information can be relayed through the hands it's astounding. There's nothing else that I would love more than feel his hands speak to me once again.
My carpal tunnel flare has pretty much gone away thankfully however, my damn legs keep going numb. More often, for longer and at greater degrees of severity almost regardless of my position they'll go numb from the top of my hip to the inner thigh all the way down to the bottoms of my feet. It's very annoying and can cause several issues for me getting around. Last night I actually had to use a wheelchair while Jenn got the rest of her things at the store. Just another day I suppose.
Not sure what happened but despite having one of the most popular journals on here only about 3 people a day read it and I almost get no comments anymore. Makes me very sad. I love comments and love seeing folks in here, keeps me on this site more than you'd think. I guess I just need to find more interesting things to write about. I know it's been a bit of a bore and kinda predictable recently but that's how my life has been recently as well. Now, if you know how to read between the lines things aren't always as boring as they seem up front, I do try to put extra things in here.
Riverdance is going to be in Nashville near the end of the month and I really want to go see it. I saw it about 5 years ago with someone I really wish I didn't take but if things work perhaps I can go with K or Jenn. I know she almost killed me when I didn't take her last time.
The issue of depression hasn't really been bothering me much at all and no where near where it was. I can think of several times this past year when everything was laid out for me to commit suicide and now I feel very free and uplifted. The main problem now is anxiety. The past 2-3 months I've noticed a real increase in the number of mini panic attacks and anxiety related issues such as road rage, snapping at people and the like. I used to be such a mellow person, nothing whatsoever could affected me negatively and now I find it difficult to not fly off the handle at the simplest of things. I've increased the time spent in meditation and I've tried really hard to adjust my thinking but it ain't working all that well. Last night it got really bad.
Such is life I suppose.
Good night all!
--X
09:29 Feb 08 2009
Times Read: 1,028
I had a pretty great day all in all.
My lunch with Cameron lasted a good hour n 20. We talked about his disappointment with Obama's actions thus far, the US health care system, his and my health, cute guys (he may have had multiple heart attacks but he's still got great taste lol) and a whole lot of other things. Each time we meet it's at the local Steak 'n Shake. He only goes there with me and he always steals most of my fries (he's not supposed to eat fatty foods). At least this time he didn't bring the usual steak knife or monster screw driver (remember the both of us are highly eccentric). I was really glad to see him and he looked an awful lot better than the last time, some 6 months ago or so. I worry about him, he's a wonderful man.
After that I went to Jenn's house and we took off to Nashville. I hadn't planned on meeting with her until tomorrow but after I got home from SNS I had a few messages from her.
We went to a mall where she bought me a new cane. This thing is awesome! It's solid hardwood, a nice rich varnish with several oriental inspired carvings. It's also about an inch taller than my old one which is perfect. There's little doubt this one won't break, no matter how many people I beat with it. While walking through the mall there came 4 girls arm in arm blocking half the path. As our paths meet I exclaimed "Move you little shits!" which they did (after all I'm tall, pale, imposing face with a cane). At the same time I said that Jenn and I were passing a couple, the woman looked at me rather surprised when I lightly grabbed her arm and said "Oh not you hun, you're fine." She smiled and that was that.
We were there a good 2 hours. She also got me 2 shirts from Banana Republic and she got a few things herself. We got back to the Boro (local for Murfreesboro) where we indulged in some delightful cigars.
Tomorrow we're going out shopping again and she's going to pay for me to get my hair styled and highlighted (praise God!!!) I can't stand not having highlights, yes I am that gay.
The only bad thing that happened was I got to see just how bad my shoulders really are. I can almost always be spotted wearing my trademark black corduroy blazer however most places I go I'm able to take it off and sit. Well I wasn't able to take it off today and by the time I got home I was pretty much in tears. Something that weighs no more than 2lbs over my shoulders causes the muscles to spasm and inflames the nerves. It's actually kinda scary. My mom had to have surgery for her right shoulder for basically the same thing, I'm really not wanting to have them replaced before I even turn 30. And no pain pills don't work for nerve pain lol.
Like I said that was the only bad thing. Tomorrow I'll wear something lighter and put on some Rx pain cream I have.
Speaking of pain. One good thing about having a neurological disorder is that I get medical publications for free, that would otherwise cost hundreds a year. In the one I got the other day "Neurology Now" they had an article which reported that taking narcotic pain relievers for migraines (which are fairly commonly prescribed) actually increases the brains sensitivity to pain and will, over time, make the migraines worse. I thought that was very interesting and it would explain a few things with myself as well.
I got another message from another ex today. It's a bit odd to be honest about it. I'm very happy with Kevin (the only way he'll get rid of me is in a pine box..not a joke lol) so I get to tell these folks to go away. It's nice to know that I'm missed but I don't like feeling like people are trying to get back with me especially when I have no desire to ever date another person.
Well that's it for tonight. I'm uber tired and need some serious rest so I can be somewhat conscious by tomorrow afternoon.
Night all!
16:24 Feb 07 2009
Times Read: 1,036
I get to have lunch (around 3 PM) with an old friend of mine I haven't seen in ages.
His name is Cameron, forget how old but in his 60's. We first meet when I was working for Savings Oil Co. around 2-3 years ago. I was preparing to go to school, again, (this time to Vanderbilt for Neuro Surgery) and he wrote me a brief letter saying how he thought that it was pretty cool what I was doing.
He's a sociologist (retired), modern land baron and enjoys going out to Steak 'n Shake usually wearing some eccentric outfit. It's important to know that going to SNS with me is about the only time he allows himself to eat horridly unhealthy food due to a heart condition.
Anyway, I'm really excited to be able to see him again. He may be a strong anti-Christian anti-Conservative but other than that we're like twins lol.
16:29 Feb 06 2009
Times Read: 1,049
I don't get to sleep till after 6 AM and 4 hours later the civil alarm goes off for 45 min!? "A Tornado warning is in effect, seek shelter immediately" rrigghhtt. Which is why the NWS said there's not a cloud in 50 miles of my town, no fronts and no other civil or public news system is reporting anything. Not to mention that there isn't a cloud or a much of a breeze upon going outside (yeah I know going outside isn't seeking shelter, sue me).
Finally I hear "The emergency is over" after 300 people with pacemakers fell dead at "the sky is falling" I've never heard of a false alarm for a weather event like this (here) so I'm guessing maybe prank or special test something or another. I don't know, don't care.
Now mom is all freaked and was telling me "I've had a sense of foreboding since yesterday. I think we need to stockpile food and water. What if we come under attack?"
For one we 45 MILES from Nashville, the nearest registered terrorist target, and second if it was something that could effect us here chances are the irradiated air would get to us before we ran out of food already here and no water's gonna help that lol. Not to mention we have no money to go and bomb proof our 20 year old condo!
Besides isn't 2012 the time we have to worry about?
Maybe I can go back to sleep.
Great now I can't feel my left leg. Remind me to NOT sit with a bend in the back, I tend to fall upon standing afterwards lol *sighs*
00:04 Feb 06 2009
Times Read: 1,076
Why is everything always about sex? Truth be told I'd rather have a discussion on quantum entanglement over having sex. Call me weird but having a mental orgasm is far better than a physical one, lasts a lot longer too lol.
I do get so tired about pretty much everything being sexually related.
My doctor visit today was about the quickest it ever was, maybe 40 min total. My BP was 125/108 which is highly unusual for me, heck I have to take meds to raise my BP a lot of times (wasn't on it today). Didn't gain any weight but didn't loose any either so still at 121.
I can't even begin to express my gratitude toward K for helping me out with my medical expenses.
Even though I can figure out most of my dreams if any one ever wants give a go at explaining them or anything like that feel free to. I always enjoy hearing other opinions.
I can understand why I'm no longer a detail master in my Coven (I have yet to need to use that position) but it would have been nice to have been told, instead of it just "happening." Whatever happened to mutual respect?
Well thats all I've got to say for now :)
23:42 Feb 04 2009
Times Read: 1,089
Aw ain't it cute, my ex sent me a message saying he misses me. Everyone misses me, well except the ones that don't of course.
Ive been watching "Monster Quest" for most of the day and these types of shows really annoy me more than anything. They go around trying to find proof of some monster or mystery creature and they'll set out on 3 day "expeditions" to try and get a picture or even some DNA. For one the idea that you're going to find anything in 3 days is rather, well stupid, 3 days isn't going to get you anything. I know they can't afford to launch a real expedition and the fact that most episodes (of most shows) are filmed in only a week or less. Still, I can't help but think what could be found in 1 or 2 extra days.
Then there's the whole way in which they carry things out and their various basis' are usually uber flawed. Oh well at least it gives me something to bitch about lol.
I had a pretty interesting dream last night. It was many years in the future and the world had come under a single government which was based on a variation of Vatican control. I'm standing in the government building (like Congress or something similar) and there is an area for the big guys and then maybe only 50 seats for the "elected" officials. No one is in there except some people who are in the middle of a coup de ta. These guys are part of a darker religious cult. Somehow I was the person they were wanting to take over (go figure). The entire dream was very intense, a lot of "chilled up the spine" type sensations. Usually most of my dreams have music associated with them (yes I provide my own soundtrack) and the music with this dream was both powerful and beautiful. It's really hard to explain it. Anyway, at the end of the dream I'm no longer "their guy" and now I'm only watching whats going on as some other person takes the reigns and the world enters a new era of war and chaos.
The dream is interesting because I rarely dream of a religious/political alliance. In fact I don't recall ever dreaming of something along those lines.
I go to the doctor tomorrow and doubt anything new will happen. I'm expecting to be marginalized and disrespected, all in a days drive I guess lol.
PRIVATE ENTRY
05:47 Feb 03 2009
Times Read: 1,111
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
09:50 Feb 02 2009
Times Read: 1,128
Q: Do you flirt with girls?
A:
I am a HUGE flirt lol
I don't know if I ever told you this story before but one time I was at the mall with some friends and one of my male friends ran into some of his chick friends. Well the girls were sisters and we all started talking and stuff. I told em I was gay and some how I ended up saying that even though I was gay I knew how to please a girl lol. After a while of us all talking I ended up making out with the two sisters right there in the middle of the mall! lmao, it was great.
I'll flirt with anyone and I'll make out with almost anyone who's cute, for fun nothing serious you know. There have been girls who, if I wasn't already dating a guy or what not, I'd probably have gone out with them. The last "real" date I had with a girl was about 4 years ago. I've never done anything sexual with a girl and it actually scares me and sometimes even makes kinda sick thinkin about "down there" lol but I've never said I'll never be with a girl. It all just depends on who it is, what's going on in my life as far as dating or what not.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought that might help answer some questions. See I told y'all I'll answer any question, and honestly too.
11:27 Feb 01 2009
Times Read: 1,150
I think I've figured out part of the reason why I can't sleep.
One reason that I've talked about before is the uneasiness associated with knowing that most of my dreams will be pretty horrible. I'll wake up a few times each week as a result.
Another is the shear amount of stress and the fear of "closing my eyes." I don't know if others who are in my situation health wise here have ever gone through this. At times the thought comes to mind "if I close my eyes will I ever open them again?" I've denied to myself feeling/thinking that but it really does play a role. I haven't been taking anything for anxiety. I don't like taking pills especially ones that alter the mind. More than likely I should.
The biggest problem with me falling asleep, I've discovered, is when I start to doze off for some reason I'll stop breathing or only take very shallow and slow breaths. It's not that I can't breathe like with sleep apnea it's that I don't breathe. I have no reason why this is and it's only been happening the past 2-3 months, and not all the time. I'll jump awake gasping for air which then makes my body feel like it's buzzing and send all kinds of "warning" signals to the brain and screws up getting back to sleep.
I've tried to work on it and pay attention to my breathing but that usually ends up making it worse. If I can ever make myself relaxed enough that tends to help a good deal. However, it's still more of an issue than not. Thats why I'm up right now as a matter of fact. I'm a bloody genius and yet I can't even control my own thought processes when it comes life functions. *Serenity now, serenity now!* haha
Guess, I should try to going to sleep again. I'm supposed to be going to Church in the morning to watch some special ceremony thing. I want to go but then again I don't. It's a small church and I've never been there before. I don't like having to answer the same 3 questions that everyone asks 98 times nor do I like having to put on a show, know what I mean? Oh well.
One last thing, I found a copy of the first short story I ever wrote. I'll probably put in here in the next day or so. It was good when I wrote it however, things change lol.
04:23 Feb 01 2009
Times Read: 858
Have you ever watched a movie saw something, watched it again later and not seen the same thing?
I've noticed this many times for years. I'll watch a movie once or even multiple times and would see a particular scene but then when I'd watch it again the scene (or line of dialog) would be missing. It's a bit annoying but more than than that it really just makes me think I'm crazy which, to me at least, is a very frightening thought.
I used to notice it a lot more with VHS before DVD came out. I'd wonder if it had something to do with that part of the film just disappearing due to some magnetic anomaly but then sometimes after a while I'd watch it again and that "missing" part would be back in the movie, at times years later. Then I'd think that some how I just made that part up but that seems unlikely when I'm watching it and see it or others saw it with me.
*sigh*
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COMMENTS
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moonkissed
02:23 Feb 20 2009
*smiles and crosses fingers
to your continuing improved health :)
XxLDRxX
02:41 Feb 20 2009
Well I am glad your feeling better