The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I'm probably not going to be on that much for the next few days. Between a some things going on in 'life' I feel the need to just "take it easy" which includes giving my wee brain and fingers a rest from being online hours at a time.



I'll log in for a few minutes to check messages etc.



Hugs to you all :)

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
10:41 Dec 29 2008

You will be missed Doc, but I understand the need to take care of yourself.. Hugs

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atyourwindow
14:53 Dec 29 2008

yeah take a break, i know all that mental battle you have with me takes its toll ....ill take it easy on ya from now on lol...*hugs*

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xxEmaeraldxx
21:23 Dec 29 2008

Rest up plenty! New Year's Eve is on the way :) Miss you already in SoN :)

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moonkissed
20:56 Jan 01 2009

BIG hugs X! just take care of you and feel better soon.

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So I was talked into going out with family today and I must admit it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.



Since my mom had "planned" the basic rout we ended up having Christmas lunch at IHOP where I ate about 2oz of food total. My uncle, friend and mom however ate enough to feed a starving village (which of course is totally fine with me). My uncle is a rather odd character, always joking, a bit perverse and somewhat intelligent (yes thats a complement lol). He was in the military for several years, got shot at and all that fun. It's nice to hear his war stories and how modern crisis' can be tracked, at least in part, to that time period.



Jenn, uncle and I all had a very fun time telling jokes, exercising wit etc while my mom sat there utterly embarrassed and seemed uncomfortable to a degree. She is around 6 years older than he is but they've always seemed to have a pretty decent relationship so it was kinda odd to see her putting on a "face" when it came to being around him today.



Anyway around 3 we went to a local theater and got tickets to see "The Day the Earth Stood Still" which of course didn't start till over an hour later. As a movie it was pretty good, on a scale of 1 to 10 I think we avg. it at a 6 (which is actually very good). We thought it's use of cgi was wonderful and I noted how the "bugs" were an actual possibility when it comes to us destroying the planet via nanobots gone wrong. The use of a black child in a stark white film was a definite negative because it was extremely obvious in it's use and application for the movie."Token" anything always annoys me to no end, this was no different. I actually took note of the "doctor" who preformed the surgery, I thought his acting and lines were spot on.



Now, of course, I'm very tired and my legs are hurting at an unusually high level. I'll be watching the rest of the Star Trek TNG marathon and will probably pas out in a few. Hopefully I'll be able to get a solid nights rest.



Tootles all and hopefully I'll have more time on here tomorrow :)

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moonkissed
12:57 Dec 26 2008

i am glad Christmas was decent for you, Merry Christmas late X.

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I don't think I'm going to go out with family and friends like I had planned to do today.



I'm rather tired, not getting enough sleep and all plus there's a health situation I really don't want to have to deal with while I'm trying to have good time with others.



I'd prefer to just stay home and rest.



On a good note Ice Age 2 is on the tele right now which is always nice to watch :)

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moonkissed
12:53 Dec 26 2008

ooo we have Ice Age 2 on DVD. i love it.

right now i am dealing with having to watch someone play Resident Evil for the next week and a half straight, unless i hit him with a hammer and tie him to his bed.

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I find myself correcting and/or answering a lot of "Wiki Questions." The reason this is noteworthy is because I absolutely despise Wikipedia. So many people use it as a main or only source for their opinions, knowledge base etc and don't care to actually verify or pick up a book and read/learn something much more accurate and secure.



But, I can't just leave up wrong, misleading or inaccurate information now can I? To willingly allow people to kept in the dark or to let them have false information is a major "sin" in my book.



I also keep bitting my bottom lip to the point it bleeds, I should stop that. I'm getting angry at the methadone because it doesn't really help me go to sleep anymore than when I don't even have any pain medication. I've tried taking Ambien with it but then in the mornings I usually get rather nauseous as a result. Oh well, I suppose a 2-5 AM long nap will just have to suffice.

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moonkissed
12:51 Dec 26 2008

i won't even bother with wiki if i can help it, good for you trying to keep people correct.

about the sleep, if you can find a way perhaps you can nap at other times of the day as well.

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Beastt17
20:35 Dec 26 2008

Wikipedia is written by people. Sometimes the information they have accepted as accurate is erroneous. Who writes the infallible books?

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From the Radical Vatican and the Church of the Immaculate Deception have a very Merry Misanthropemas!



Rev. Xzavier "the Plague Bringer" McInnes, of the Rad Vat Compound No. 734



(if you're not a Plagueist don't ask lol)

I'm ashamed to say that there was once a time when I publicly supported individuals like Francis A. Schaeffer and applauded their calls to action to "save" America.



When I was younger in one of my first, but most public, speeches I said that we should all look to the example men like Schaeffer set for us to bring America back from the grasps of the extreme left. I can't believe that I was supporting such an extreme, I can't believe I let myself not acknowledge the numerous outrages like this:



"(modern homosexuality) has led in this case to an obliteration of the distinction between man and woman...This is a form of homosexuality which is a part of the movement below the line of despair. " F. A. Schaeffer, 1968



Men like him, Rick Warren et al are the driving force behind both the fall of true Christianity and also the fall of Western Civilisation by creating a culture of hypocrisy hidden by the thin veil of morality and tolerance. Honestly, it makes me sick.

Hope this doesn't offend anyone but it is my personal views and being a person who takes pride in how I look and that I can be somewhat shallow if you're offended then tough :)



I really can't stand body hair at all. I'll tolerate a thin or small amount of leg hair, a 5 (maybe 10) o'clock shadow but that's really it. If someone is seriously hot and intelligent then I will over look a well patterned bit of chest hair.



There is nothing I despise more on a guy than back hair, coarse leg/arm hair, unibrows, or more than a peach fuzz on their knuckles (I understand having some hair on joints is part of being human). I also can not stand hair in other places but I won't mention them here (use your imagination).



Not sure why I mentioned this but after watching the tele and seeing hairy guys I felt like sharing. I really find body hair quite disgusting. Any hair other than the hair above your chin makes me wan to vomit :)

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Stikki
02:25 Dec 22 2008

My god...I agree. Body hair is sickening. :)

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Xzavier
03:42 Dec 22 2008

Hey the bikini-wax look is good for everyone, of course you agree lol

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MyEvilTwin
03:33 Dec 23 2008

Oh so you have no love for your fav prospector then,, lol although he did shave his beard ....all clean cut now.

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moonkissed
12:46 Dec 26 2008

i rather enjoy being able to pet my man, lol.

body hair can be disgusting on an unkempt person and that is where i draw the line myself. i do have to say this though, i admire the "cones" it took to post this entry. some of my pet peeves would get me lynched! lol

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I may not be older than 50 but I'm definitely older than 18. As you know I have had to live with my mother since spring of this year.



In previous years I either lived by myself or (from 2006-07) she lived with me and I paid her bills while she was having a series of surgeries.



There is only one person I regularly spend time with and that is my friend "J." She and I have known each other for many years and I was the one who got her first job, first specialized education(pharmacy) and got her first government job which she starts in the next few weeks.

She and I are very close, so close that everyone (including my mom at one point) thought we were dating, despite knowing I was gay. Since my mom doesn't see fit to help me with my health care, except to sit and hold my hand at times, J pics up that task.



Between 1-4 nights a month she'll stay the night with me and help me do things like cook, fill out paper work, organize my medications so it's more difficult to accidentally OD, and overall she just watches out for me.



Today I had her come over, while my mom was gong to take a long drive, so she could make sure I didn't hurt myself. The past while I've been having trouble standing up and moving about without tripping etc and last night I feel of the toilet and really did a doosey on my head (still hurts like hell). We had planned on her staying the night so we could catch up on things and spend time together like close friends do.

Well I was getting tired after a few hours and was going to take a nap. Full well knowing I was going to wake up after a short time J went into the living room to to say hi to my mom and wait until I got up.

Mother 'dearest' was having no part in it. She had her go home.



When I got up to make a small snake mom told me that she can't come over unless she was staying the night and if she was staying the night she'd have to stay with me, period. I told her that I was just going to take a nap so I wouldn't keep nodding off during conversations ad to give some med a bit of time to kick in, and that she couldn't fault me for going to sleep.

Mom replied "we'll you can at least keep her in that room with you."



What type of person claims to care and yet acts in the total opposite way? What kind of person tells you in your face (in this case J's face) that she is such a good friend, so smart etc and then once she leaves comes to me and tells me how stupid she is and how she couldn't stand her?



I love my mom but love is not liking nor it is it playing some idiotic game of adoration. I love my mom, the woman that gave birth to me, but I do not like her by any stretch of the imagination, and I've told her this in her face. I make no secret of what I actually think of someone.



This shit pisses me off. I have a ton to deal with both in health and in finances (or lack there of) the last thing I need is my mother (and the woman I live with) being a total bitch, talking down about my friends, talking down about the girl (J) who has on more than one occasion literally saved my life. I don't need more family related stress. I've never met anyone who such such a two faced bitch. What makes it worse is she'll deny or try to justify everything until I'm in a particularly bad state then she'll flaunt how hypocritical and just plan mean she is.



At least I don't pretend to be anything. What you see and read here on VR is the exact same as I am in real life.



Not sure why I'm writing this but sometimes I just get really pissed off.



You may be thinking why I don't move in with either J or someone else and the answer is rather simple, she hasn't a place of her own, she lives with several room mates. Of course all this will be changing in the next several months and I will be moving in with her.



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I don't think the issues I've been going through (tired, tongue etc) this week is a result of an allergic reaction because the itching I used to experience have all gone.



On a more VR specific topic, I can't seem to get more than 280 on my friends list (it fluctuates between 260-279) or more than 71 who has my journal on their fav. list (goes from 65-71). So if you have yet to add my journal to your favourites please do so, it'll make me such a happy skinny man :D



I've got some more VR things but I will put them in the VR section.



(I didn't edit this other than spelling so if there a re a few things that seem a bit strange then I'm sorry I'm just trying to not fall asleepon my computer lol)

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birra
03:46 Dec 21 2008

Families aren't always the people we want or expect them to be...



...best you can do is be the person you expect you to be.

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moonkissed
12:41 Dec 26 2008

Doc, i am so sorry that your mother was so selfish and inconsiderate. we mothers do get a little jealous over our children but it gave her no right to chase J off like that. i hope your future plans to move in with J work out.

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POST COMMENT

I'm not sure but I think there may be a serious problem going on with me.



For the past 2 weeks I have been extremely tired, no matter how much sleep Ive gotten. I'll be online typing or flipping the channels on tv and fall asleep. Last night I was in the bathroom when I passed out and hit my head against the hard titled floor. My head is ok, still a little sore but it was really scary. Even as I write this I'm struggling to stay awake (slept from 5 am -1 pm).



Plus my tongue is still numb and has a few tiny round spots of mild discolouration, a sign of infection. Plus distorted/blurred vision and random colour flashes.



I suppose I'm done for now, going back to bed.

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deathnitegrl
20:22 Dec 20 2008

oh noes *hugs* take care of yourself!!!!

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Sinora
23:20 Dec 20 2008

Back to the docs then hon..*hugs*.

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StoneCrow
00:22 Dec 21 2008

X this sounds like something you should seriously consider going in for. I am no doc, but it sounds like maybe you are having a reaction to the meds maybe? Either that or it might be some kind of virus. Dunno, either way it sounds like something only a doc could be sure about.

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POST COMMENT

Ok my spelling sucks, big time. There a lot of times when I spend large amounts of energy going through things with spell check. Despite that there are times when I can write something rather long without making any mistakes at all. Find it a wee bit weird.



One last time I'll groan about this.



It irks me to no end when people attempt to "school" me in the sciences. You may have to rely on wiki and the extent of your current knowledge may be the most recent PBS special but some folks have actually gone to school(s) and/or worked for years in various fields.



I specialize in physics (theoretical and astro), pharmaceutical medicine, law, politics, theology and architecture (if you've noticed that's stayed the same since I've been on here, my credentials don't just grow overnight). While that doesn't mean I know everything it does mean I know a hell of a lot. It also means that I know a lot about related fields such as biology, philosophy, history, mechanics, global religions and so forth.



I appreciate conversations with people who are, in their own right, intelligent and I like it when they can add their own points of view or specialized knowledge to whatever we're discussing. What I don't appreciate is someone who acts or "talks" in a tone mimicking a high school teacher to an unruly D student. It annoys me even further when they "correct" me on something just because they can not understand the fact that multiple words have multiple meanings which can be interchanged. Critical thinking and extrapolated reasoning means that you can find what someone is really saying in terms you can understand or in the terms you know something. If I say something that is either wrong or in question don't you think it would be wiser to correct me or to suggest that I am mistaken and provide the possible right answer in a respectful way? After all what kind of "mad scientist" or teacher would I be if I refused to learn? I love learning new things and finding out additional information, I don't like being spoken to like a rowdy 5 year old.



Yes I know this probably makes me sound like an arrogant know-it-all who's better than everyone else but the truth is I'm not. Yeah I'm really smart but I'm not better than anyone and neither are you.

Don't critique a stated opinion, don't pretend to teach or "learn" me anything and stop speaking like you're some authority on anything other than the power of Google, unless you have some actual authority by which you speak.



I've had more conversations on here than I can count. Some are simple in nature and others make me walk away with a headache and slightly confused. However, if you notice it's the conversations that allow both sides to learn, come to an understanding, allow both sides to speak in their own personal style and come to a common understanding of each others style that I post in my journal.



Real conversations, debates, teachings etc are what I cherish most. I cherish them because they facilitate legitimate learning not first year med students trying to preform a transsphenoidal surgery to remove pituitary adenoma.



This isn't really aimed at anyone on here specifically, although there are a few, but as a general *you VR person* and *hey you're my student not the other way around* type thing. You'd be surprised at the gall some folks have and the general amount of disrespect a student can have toward a teacher.



Hopefully I won't have to vent on this topic for quite some time.



I'm off to grab a bite to eat and then go to sleep.



Night all! AYW, CD, LDR, Stikki, MBK, Oceanne,FTS, Emmie, LKDS and you other one ;) it was great talking to you for more than 5 seconds the past few days.



Lots of love,



Dr. Mr. Rev. X-man the Mad Lefty Fagula, McRa-Queen

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moonkissed
05:28 Dec 20 2008

we have been on the forum again haven't we?

i swear i am not laughing. sleep well Doc.



*running to go check the forum.

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atyourwindow
07:51 Dec 20 2008

*hugs* you will be ok as long as you dont question the genius of the great ayw hehe

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MyEvilTwin
14:18 Dec 20 2008

But Doc, I thought you enjoyed our conversations. Shhh AYW must never find out about them though.

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See this is why I love Tennessee....



"RECORD EVENT REPORT

NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NASHVILLE TN

1257 PM CST FRI DEC 19 2008



THE TEMPERATURE AT NASHVILLE HAS HIT 73 DEGREES THIS AFTERNOON,

TYING THE RECORD HIGH FOR THIS DATE THAT WAS SET IN 1889"



Every year for the past 4 years we get a few weeks of and on of nice warm weather. The Winter of 2004-2005 was the last time we had any appreciable amount of snow. It keeps getting warmer during winter but colder during fall and early spring.

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moonkissed
05:39 Dec 20 2008

i am from the Pacific NorthWest so i do not know much about the weather patterns here. i am trying to figure them out. we are in upstate SC near Clemson.

i noticed patterns in the PNW, i am really curious to see the charts of the weather patterns here for the last 50 years. i bet it would show us something.

i know the recent warm spell we have is a little unnerving, my lettuce came back.

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POST COMMENT

I've got a really bad habit of biting my lips until they bleed. At least I'm tasty lol.



Has anyone noticed any problems with VR today? Like pages not loading or something similar?

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DarkWolfman
23:17 Dec 19 2008

Nothing here...like I said...your computer hates you

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BLOODLIFE
23:56 Dec 19 2008

All good my end ... maybe you should take it personally.. lol

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Xzavier
00:02 Dec 20 2008

I'm really starting to BL. I didn't know having a gay republican computer could incur the wrath of Al Gore and his damned interwebnet! lol

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BLOODLIFE
00:42 Dec 20 2008

A gay pc ... did that give rise to having your wires crossed?!! lol

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moonkissed
05:40 Dec 20 2008

i have a scar on my bottom lip from the same habit.



i haven't noticed anything odd today here.

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Got the letter in the mail today, I've been denied disability for the second time.



I don't have the energy to fight this. What the hell am I supposed to do? Make $7 standing in a as station, go back to school to become a compounder so I can sit for hours, or what?



Fuck It.

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DarkWolfman
21:36 Dec 18 2008

Seems as though the people that actually need help don't get it and the ones who fake it...get all the help.

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LadyChordewa
21:40 Dec 18 2008

Don't give up hon. I was not working, and living in a cold house with no heat when I got denied for the second time. I went to a lawyer. With disability, even if you use bender and bender, they don't ask for money until you win. Once you win, the governement will pay them 20 to 25% of your disability back funds check, before they pay you. Back funds, is once you win, they will pay you back to the first time you filed for disability. It took me 2 1/2 years to get my disability and I was sent a $17,000 check and that was after they paid the lawyer.



Find a lawyer hon. Trust me on this. Don't give up. You are entitled to it. *hugs*

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MyEvilTwin
22:15 Dec 18 2008

Hugs you.

Yes, I know its hard , and yes if you want I will give you my attornys anem he has offices all over the place on the east coast. Ya know I am always here for you. Didn't we determine who I am yesterday.

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xXPoisonousAddictionXx
02:19 Dec 19 2008

I know u have alot of shit going on but that doesn't mean to give up. Just because they denied you again, even though they shouldnt of ,doenst mean they wont except if u apply again. Those things sometimes just take a rediculous amount of time. It took my mom 3 times before they excepted her... and she is one of those who actually deserve it too.

It may be a long, tiring process, but I know it is worth it in the long run when u could be having to wake up every day to go and stand there and take crap from some stupid F*** cuz u didnt get his cheese burger right...

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moonkissed
13:05 Dec 19 2008

oh no, i am sorry to hear this. it is something that i completely not looking forward to. keep fighting though.

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Joli
23:43 Dec 19 2008

A second denial is par for the course. You should be able to appeal now. An attorney really is the way to go. My clients who have attorneys go farther and faster through the system than those who do not.

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Thanks to the new pain med I haven't been in this little pain for months. Don't get me wrong my 'hot spots' and the breakthrough pain can be insanely horrible but, over-all, the methadone has been a god send.



The only detraction is it makes me itch on a fairly regular basis and taking more than prescribed (even just a little) messes up my stomach. So I'll still need a little something for breakthrough pain but on the pain front things are really looking well.



Now if I can only find a new cane since my jackass of a neighbor broke my last one.



Of course even though the pain has gone down and the fact that methadone makes me rather sleepy I haven't actually slept through the night except for Tues/Wed night. All the others consist of random short naps, long nights in front of a boring TV and a heck of a lot of snacking. Things would be more tolerable if I could swallow more than tiny amounts of liquid (nerve damage makes it hard to swallow).



I just made the best cup of coffee I've had in over a year. I rarely drink coffee because it's one of the few drinks it's difficult for me to drink/swallow regardless of additional swallowing problems. It's hazelnut coffee with extra sugar, 2 teaspoons of creme, a teaspoon of honey and about 5 grams of 65% dark chocolate sprinkled in. OMG it tastes sooo good!



At around 3pm or so I'll have to go shopping for groceries and a few other items. When I was making bookoos (lots) of money I would never dream of stepping into a Wal-Mart. I wouldn't go to Wal-Mart not because I thought I was better than the company (although I still refuse to buy even so much as a pair of socks from them, clothes wise) but because of the large, mindless, roaming crowds. I hate people who get stuck in the heard mentality. Apparently everyone there has totally turned their back on manners, common sense and general decency, at least they have while there.



That would be all for now

::huggles::



--Doc X

This may be a bit more candid and even tmi than you are used to but there are precious few I can talk to so if I can put it out there for thousands, potentially, then it helps.



It is no small secret that I have a fair amount of nerve damage. Most of the nerve damage has to deal with my body talking to my brain, the communication/signal either doesn't reach my brain or it slows down drastically. With ASN (my disease) the systems that are affected are the ones that keep you alive, they make your body work, they do everything you either don't have to think about or think about rarely.



Obviously I have little problem sharing my condition, related symptoms, emotional and mental stresses etc with little hesitancy and even less shame or modesty. Today however, I'm rather embarrassed.



Embarrassed or not I need to talk about it, for my own sake. Of course the few who read this from time to time and think I'm doing it for sympathy kiss my ass you pieces of dog shit :)



From time to time the damage to my nerves shows up not in the form of pain or loss of balance but it manifests itself in other places.



For the past 3-4 days my vision has been blurred quite dramatically. Objects up close are very difficult to make out sharp detail and things farther away I can't make out any detail beyond the basic outline. I can make out colours rather well and I know what something is but any detail is all but lost on me. Reading smaller prints is all but impossible right now. Driving is practical suicide, the lanes blend together and double up, street/car lights blur and bounce around.



The other issue that's been going on for a week and more pronounced the past 3-4 days. I have lost the ability to initiate (start) urinating. I have to literally push the urine out. Sometimes I can maintain the flow for a few seconds but then it drops off. I know when I need to pee, the urine itself is fine, doesn't hurt blah blah but actually taking a piss can take minutes for just a small amount. I've cut back on fluids just to make sure I don't cause stress to my bladder or possible secondary toxicity. Every hour or so I'll go and force myself to pee, just takes a while and it feels like I've done several reps of crunches after I'm done.



Indeed embarrassing. More than that it's depressing. Thankfully I have been able to gain a pound a month for the past few months and haven't needed to take an anti-depressant since summer. I could really use something for anxiety but now that I'm on methadone I don't really wanna take anything that could possibly slow my breathing or heart rate.



Good news is the methadone has been doing a tremendous job! I'm still having issues with breakthrough pain but thats really expected for anyone who's in chronic pain let alone nerve damage.



I've eaten nearly all of my birthday cake and all of it's chocolaty goodness hehe.



All for now.



--X

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DarkWolfman
03:13 Dec 17 2008

Damn man...you have had a trying time as of late...I feel for you.

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Sinora
09:13 Dec 17 2008

I don't think lowering your fluid intake is the answer hon, that could lead to other problems. Taking a longer time to pee may be irritating but I think it's just one more little thing you have to cope with.



Hopefully this particular symtomn will come and go as do some of your others.



The embarrassing thing here is the prospect of running out of chocolate....don't ever do that dear *hugs*

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CryingDutchess
05:04 Dec 18 2008

Puts on nurses uniform and snuggles up next to X... And I would give you health care for free, my lovey! I worry about you so much. And yeah, anyone on the kick that what you opt to write here is for mere sympathy puts the sad in sadistic...

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moonkissed
13:30 Dec 19 2008

thank you for having the courage to share Doc.i know it is embarrassing but it helps to vent.



i put chocolate chips in my cakes and use extra chocolate hehehe

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Well I finally got some rest using a secret mixture of items, hehe. Until later tonight I'll be in and out of coherency, smiles :)



So, I forgot if I mentioned this yesterday but last night, thanks to my shit head neighbors, I broke my cane. They were being so loud the whole place felt like it was going to collapse so I began to bang my cane up against the ceiling. After the first few times nothing happened, I waited a bit and did it maybe 3 more times when -snap- the handle broke off. It's been rather quiet now, granted heaven help if I need to go anywhere lol



--X

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hisdarkestdream
20:05 Dec 16 2008

Sorry ya neighbors were being loud. Atleast you got some rest. Sorry bout the cane also.

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
21:30 Dec 16 2008

Aww Doc I am sorry to hear that. I got some sleep too yay us !

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CryingDutchess
05:11 Dec 18 2008

Im sorry for laughing at the image of you as an old man with dentures banging on the ceiling with your cane and a pair of saggy blue boxers and a red-smoking jacket... Wait, I think I just got turned on.

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moonkissed
13:31 Dec 19 2008

oh no, i hope you complained about the noise.

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I can't get to deep sleep anymore! Sleep for a few hours, wake up, sleep for a few hours, wake up... f*ing annoying.



Got to spend some time with 2 friends last night, always fun..sorta. The one friend "M" is pretty much my best friend and I'd do more for him than I'd do for a lot of family. M is also the guy I work with on PCubed (Physics, Politics and Philosophy, parent group of Omni Research Group-ORG). My other friend "R" is a very sweet guy who happens to -think- he's in love with me. I tell everyone from the beginning that I am a huge flirt and tease (to those gay or straight, male or female) but, that I rarely 'fall' for anyone. I tell all my gay friends or wanna be friends that unless I specifically say so I don't want to go out with you nor have any type of a relationship other than -just friends- No matter how many times I stress this I can't seem have just a gay friend. And of course they get mad at me when I don't return their "love" or affection.



How hard is it to be friends with no sexual tension or dashed dreams? Yeah, ok, I may be cute, smart and not a total ass but I'm not the only guy around. Any time I try to explain that I just want to be friends I get this "oh I understand, it's ok. I'm just not smart enough(or attractive enough)." What a load of bull crap! I end up feeling like some shallow asshole and they get away continued in their idea that all cute smarties are jerks.



Yes I will admit when it comes to looks I am VERY shallow, not because I think I'm hot (I have a very poor self image) but because I don't see why I should limit myself to a guy who looks so distinguished I thought he came with an amusement park attached. Of course even though I am exceedingly shallow that doesn't mean I'm not capable of being with someone who doesn't fit the bill perfectly. As for a person not being smart enough that's a toughy. For me to have what I'd consider a perfect, fairy-tale, relationship the vast majority of gay guys aren't smart enough. Again I say why should I limit myself when I don't have too? But, honestly, as long as you can count to 5, as long as can pretend to at least listen and as long as you understand that Wicca is not a religion then you have a shot with me. Hell, the past 4 guys I've gone out with have not been members of MENSA (if you get my drift, sorry babe lol).



Then there are the few straight female friends I have. Half of them are jealous in that they believe I'm going to steal their boyfriend (which is stupid) and the other half think they can 'turn' me. I'm gay, period, I've never been with a woman and I have absolutely no desire to be with a woman. No offense but yes I literally do get ill at the thought.



I have no clue where I was going with this but the point would be (I think) is that most gay's annoy the living hell out of me. Why can't 2 attractive people be friends? Why can't 1 attractive person be friends with a not so attractive person? And why the hell do I always have to "break" some guys heart to get him to understand I don't wanna be with him!? I end up feeling bad and then he starts acting like some puppy I've just kicked, tail between the legs but still follows me around.



I enjoy sex a lot, I mean A LOT but there are times when I feel the best course of action is to just become celibate. Seriously, life would be so much better if I could just focus on living life, not getting any sicker, having a core of great friends and be ale to use my time in such a way that helps the most people..not dealing with the bs that is a relationship built on poor (at best) foundations. Maybe, perhaps, possibly, I should be much more selective in how I choose my friends and those I associate with in person?



This would be where I take a breath, thank God I turned down MENSA (inside joke) and do something else on here.





--X

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
13:52 Dec 16 2008

Well Doc we seem to be not "sleepin " together lol



I have managed a total of 6 hours tops in the last 3 days ..Yes I know and I will go if I don't sleep soon I promise .

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atyourwindow
13:55 Dec 16 2008

hey i thought i was your best friend, meanie lol j/k

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I still have not slept! After I finish eating my breakfast/dinner I'll take a sleeping pill, this is madness.



I think insomnia is contagious (you know who you are I'm talkin bout) lol



I really enjoy fleece blankets/throws and I bought a new blue one and omg it is sooo soft and warm. I've never tried ecstasy but from what I've heard this has got to mimic it. I can feel every little place it touches, just wanna stretch and wrap myself all around/in it....



This might sound mean but I know everyone has thought it at least once about someone. Have you ever seen a person in real life or a pic/avatar of them and automatically not like them? Not because they seemed like jerks or had a swastika tat on their forehead but there was just something about the way they looked that utterly annoyed you. They looked weird, in a very bad way, you get exceedingly tired of seeing them very quickly and wish they'd go away.. I dunno there's a few people that do that to me, can't stand to look at them. Of course I'm sure I fit into that category for someone else.



I think it's finally happened, I have nothing of value left to say (at least for today) lol.

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DarkWolfman
22:18 Dec 15 2008

Try a frying pan...I hear they work wonders

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
22:55 Dec 15 2008

I would have to agree, must be. So does that mean if you sleep I sleep and I sleep you can Sleep ? heheh

Your the best Doc ! Big hugs.....

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I just can't seem to stay asleep. I'll literally pass out watching tv or using the computer but after 30min it's like nothing happened.



Very annoying.



To add to that my carpal tunnel is kicking in (flares up every few weeks). It's a lot better than it was last night thankfully. One might expect the new pain med to work for it...nope. Having another issue as well but ain't gonna talk about it here.



I've done about all I can in the Coven of Dark Conception, think I did a fairly kick-ass job :)



Yesterday was absolutely beautiful, warm and sunny. Today it's cloudy and tonight the rain will turn to ice :( A good friend of mine is debating moving to Australia for good, I told him to pack me up!



Although my birthday was totally ruined thanks to my loverly body I'm looking forward to Christmas with some anticipation. I'll be spending the day with one of my uncles who is A LOT like me, 'cept I be smarter hehe, then again he's better at English than I.



Ok I'm done with this utterly pointless rambling.



Ciao.

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moonkissed
20:13 Dec 15 2008

when is your next doctors appointment? i hope Christmas goes better than your birthday.

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I wake up around 7am and spent the next hour bent over the toilet. Migraines and puking are the best gifts for a birthday ever!



I dunno, I'm rather pissed and feeling like shit. I had planned on some friends coming over and having a nice time but right now I just want to sleep.

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Sinora
20:18 Dec 14 2008

Well....at least you got room for cake now hon *hugs*

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
20:35 Dec 14 2008

aww im sorry Doc, that is horrible. maybe I can get AYW to sing to you later, wil that make you feel better ? hugs !

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moonkissed
02:41 Dec 15 2008

oh i am very sorry your new medication spoiled your birthday. try to feel better k?

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I think I'm mildly allergic to the methadone. I've been itching like crazy the past 2 days. Took some Benadryl and that helps a little bit. I suppose I can handle the itching since it's working so well for the pain, plus it could very well just go away in the next few days once my body is fully used to it.



Mmm bacon is yummy :)

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moonkissed
23:37 Dec 13 2008

i like bacon too.

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Oceanne
23:50 Dec 13 2008

MMmm love bacon!

And methadone will do that until you are used to it and if the dose is a little on the high side.

How many miligrams?

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Xzavier
23:59 Dec 13 2008

10mg 3x a day. Was on oxy 5mg 6-10x a day.

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Sinora
12:28 Dec 14 2008

Oh I'm with ya re the bacon, just had a toasted bacon sanwhich...try smoked bacon, with a little vinegar and a touch of red sauce...yummy.

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Having a bit of an issue with the methadone, hopefully it won't last much longer. At least it's kicking the pain in the ass! :)



Oh forgot to mention I've gained another pound, 119lb makes me sooo happy!

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Oceanne
05:30 Dec 13 2008

yayyy!

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moonkissed
11:05 Dec 13 2008

sorry you are having trouble with the methadone but yeah for the 1 lb.

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fuckxthisxshit
18:03 Dec 13 2008

YAAAAAYYYYYY for 119lbs!!! now try for 120 babe :)

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I would imagine I'm finished with the main forum, for the most part. When a person or persons lack the ability to understand another way of saying the same thing it turns into a conversation with a brick wall.



Space is matter, it has mass, it can expand at or above the speed of light. A particular 'fish' had gills, others did not, some had both. In the end we all arose from a single celled organism.



I remember why I stopped teaching large groups. A person may be very intelligent but knowledge is worthless if they haven't the ability to use it properly.



Semantics, hello? Some folks would do well to learn how to think from multiple perspectives. Then again perhaps it's my fault, after people telling me I sound to much like a text book I tried to 'dumb down' my language. It would seem I lack the ability to convey ideas at the 7th grade level.



The burden of proof rests on those who ask the questions. This is VR not a university, do your own research. I'm more than happy to answer direct questions but I don't care enough to write a 20 page paper on 3 dozen individual issues when (to an intelligent person at least) my words are rather obvious in meaning.



Tried to not be so arrogant but that didn't work out so well. Why apologize for being me?



I'm done rambling.

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Oceanne
02:25 Dec 13 2008

Hey! If your posts help one peep out of 20,thats more than one could ask for ya?

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moonkissed
11:10 Dec 13 2008

i liked the few posts of yours i saw on the forums.

i admit that i am not as gung ho as i once was about posting on them. one person comes in and time after time attempts to crush me. the first time it made me mad, the second time i really got furious. i think i can handle myself now. i just have to use more double talk than he does and with bigger words, LOL.

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Why do I get the feeling I'm always having to repeat myself? What you find on wiki or some google search doesn't mean you know what you're talking about nor does it mean it's factual.



Arm chair scientists are just about as annoying as over zealous PhD candidates lol.

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Oceanne
21:34 Dec 12 2008

No doubt!

Sits back in her armchair and smirks~

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DarkWolfman
21:39 Dec 12 2008

Most info on the net is false anyhow...gotta love the people that want a link to the info you give that is 100% fact.Books existed before the net...read a book people.

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deathnitegrl
20:28 Dec 20 2008

How about no one reads your post and then repeat your words...eh.

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Apparently that which is self evident is not so evident. I tire of proving that 1+1=2 *rolls eyes*

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MBK
22:23 Dec 12 2008

Silly X. 1+1=Fish

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Oceanne
22:28 Dec 12 2008

Yeah MBK,lots of them.

And we can say 1=1=3 too

;)

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I'm still a featured member on Gay.com, thats so cool :D



I had a thought (yes A thought) lol, well more of a question. Why is it that so many thugs, gang members who commit murder etc have such a strong belief in God? I'm mean seriously, do they think God's going to open up those pearly gates because they shot a guy who wore red and sold crack to a 12 year old?



Gangs are one of the dumbest things ever.

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atyourwindow
03:46 Dec 12 2008

maybe they are asking for protection from the retaliation after the drive lol

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moonkissed
07:52 Dec 12 2008

you raise a valid point. i suppose no one believes as much in their higher power as someone who fears damnation. gangs are no replacement for family, that is for sure.

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Oceanne
21:35 Dec 12 2008

They are the ones who cry loudest for mommy when they die too...

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Oceanne
21:38 Dec 12 2008

Well? Who could top you?Youre a perfect rep..smart,funny ,cute,gay.You got it all babyy.

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Today was a day of mixed blessings. On one hand I'm still having some pretty bad parkinsonian issues which hopefully will be just about gone by tomorrow.



I saw my pain Dr (the one I hate n vice/versa). Anyway today, for the first time, he actually sat down and talked with me. He did what I had requested last month but blew off which was to put me on methadone.



So now I'm off the oxy and on 10mg of methadone 3x a day. The bad part is he didn't slowly take me off the oxy and slowly raise the methadone (which is seriously important, even an opioid tolerant person can suffer sudden death if they are not properly titrated).



Regardless I feel rather confident. It's been about 2 hours since my first dose and so far things seem to be alright, still won't be 'perfect' for another 3-5 days.



I probably won't be on here that much the next few days until I see how things work out.



I was supposed to be at a meeting with the House of Dalriada but I believe they can manage without me for a few days lol.



That's it for now I suppose.



I wanna thank all my friends on here who have continued to show their support and concern even when it seems like I'm just talking in circles or repeating myself. *hugs*



--X

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moonkissed
02:50 Dec 12 2008

sometimes people just need to talk.

i hope the methadone helps, keep us posted.

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Three days before my birthday and now my bodies all shot to shit :(

Pakinsonism is one hell of thing. Can't sleep, stay still, brush my teeth w/o it getting messy.



*sighs*

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moonkissed
16:36 Dec 11 2008

i know this sounds silly but do you meditate? Parkinson's is a sad affliction i agree. stay upbeat.

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Sinora
17:33 Dec 11 2008

Getting messy is the fun part of teeth cleaning lol

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Xzavier
00:07 Dec 12 2008

Moonkissed - Doesn't sound silly at all :) I do meditate but not as often as I'd like or should. I don't have Parkinson's but parkinsonism which is similar but not fatal. It's part of my broader health issue.



Thank you too Sinora *hugs*

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Oceanne
21:39 Dec 12 2008

A messy Zav is a cute Zav.

Hugs~

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Perhaps I should try Carbidopa-Levo for the parkinsonism. I know I said I was going to try it several months ago but things got better for a while so why take it, right?



I'll see the dr in 2 days and try to get things worked out.

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Oceanne
02:41 Dec 10 2008

Good luck with it sweetie.~hugs~

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Short term memory loss sucks, seriously.



"A great man isn't great because he's rich or famous, he's great because he is a man."

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atyourwindow
07:09 Dec 09 2008

awww thx xzavier , your not so bad yourself lol

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
08:42 Dec 09 2008

Yes it does..nust be why I forget about who ayw is .

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More random thoughts. There is little reason to read this lol.



Illegal aliens have NO rights to the good will or money of the legal populace. No matter what country or group of people it is.



Plants and animals have no rights period. We should treat them with respect, as in not torturing or chopping down for the heck of it, but they really have no rights.



Terrorists are stupid and should be tortured.



People who think religion is evil are idiots.



Eugenics should be made law (again).



Loud neighbors should be shot.



There is a difference between ones beliefs and personal morality.



I think I've gone off the deep end, anger has become me.



Eh.

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xxEmaeraldxx
23:37 Dec 08 2008

Did you know that when Americans arrive in other places in the world they go through "Aliens" passport control? teehee, just a thought.. there again, when we come to the States there is the big sign, "Aliens" this way... LOL.



Personally, I am glad to be Irish !

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Everdene
23:39 Dec 08 2008

just a minute Em I thought you were from the part that is British ;-)

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Xzavier
23:39 Dec 08 2008

Yes but then we're legal aliens :)



Ireland uh? Isn't Ireland that tiny country with rain and booze? lol jk totally jk. I love Ireland, hell my family comes from there :)

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atyourwindow
00:02 Dec 09 2008

no xzavier your scotts, the irish wont have you lol

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Xzavier
00:06 Dec 09 2008

Thats true today awy however, Scotland does mean "Land of the Irish" for a reason :P

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Beastt17
12:03 Dec 09 2008

People who think "evil" is other than a commentary on perspective are usually religious. Religion often leads to malevolent behaviors.

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I'm good at a lot of things but one thing I fail terribly at is English. Verbal and written communications blow!



Part of the issue is my wonderful dyslexia and another part is because I don't think linearly or in words. The rest I figure is a nice mix of "umm" lol.



Yes I am so bored that this is the only thing I could think of to write about, you're welcome :)



I think I'm gonna go and design Oceanne's "warp machine."

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Oceanne
21:41 Dec 12 2008

Yes! :D

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Just some random thoughts..



You can have cancer without having cancer. You can also have cancer without any tumors.



Bad things happen, are you being punished? Perhaps, just because you think you are a good person doesn't mean you actually are.



Only 7 days till my 45th birthday ;)

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atyourwindow
02:24 Dec 08 2008

yeah right, your gonna be 45?

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Sinora
12:40 Dec 08 2008

45 ?....just the right time to start your 2nd childhood hon....I'm on my 3rd just now lol

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Beastt17
18:15 Dec 08 2008

The average person suffers about two "cancer events" per year. Mutant cells begin to reproduce at an uncontrolled rate and the immune system kills them. It's perfectly natural. When the immune system fails to do its job, then you're in trouble.

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Xzavier
20:00 Dec 08 2008

True Beastt but thats not what I meant. They're random thoughts for a reason. You can have all the cancer markers and paraneoplastic syndrome without any actual cancer cells.

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Again with the weird dreams. I had a dream where by some convoluted genealogical thing, I ended up engaged to the princess of France. My family hasn't been in France for over 600 years and that was only on my mothers side! lol



Anyway, so I'm in Paris in an apartment and up comes this massive caravan of cars, limos etc. The government picks me up and preps me on all the things I needed to know to get the approval of the French people, marriage and so forth.



We arrive at a palace and I meet the princess. She's very beautiful, strong looking, intelligent and yet seemingly frail. Her mother, wife the King (pretender of course) is very sick, he is dead. The princess and I get some time alone and start talking when we get a message that the 'queen' has died. She wants to visit an art gallery that her mother worked for years creating, putting everything she had into it.



We walk through the Halls and then I wake up.



It's rare that I have a dream with a female as the main figure and even more rare that they are of a royal nature. Perhaps I need to stop looking through my families history and hoping that 2,000 people die so I can become King of the UK lol.



Had a nice time with my friend Jenn last night. We haven't seen each other for about 2 months (generally we see each other at least 2-3x a week). We talked about black holes, inflation, my health, her job and family, and watched Prince Caspian.



I like the Narnia films for two reasons. 1) Peter is f*ing hot! 2) Because I like to find the parts which were taken from actual historical accounts, of which there are several.



I suppose I should bring up the fact that today is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor. Despite my wish for 80% of the population to go away I'm actually a very non-violent person. I can understand the drive the Japs had for attacking but I don't understand them actually doing it.

Of course it's all history now, perhaps it should be more than that.



--Oh and in regards to my position on not liking primates. No, humans aren't primates in my opinion and evolutionarily we ARE better and more important than anything else that walks this Earth. If I am self aware, can contemplate my own demise and use my thumb to do things other than stick it up a monkeys arse then I (we) are greater :) lol

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XxLadyDarkRaynexX
20:43 Dec 07 2008

very intersting Xzavier... could be worse could be having my night terrors.. hmm ponders maybe it because ayw is always saying he's gonna torture me lol Yes AYW is to blame lol

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Beastt17
10:55 Dec 08 2008

Perhaps iguanas think they're better than mere lizards. They're still lizards. Fortunately, "primate" is a biological classification rather than an opinion. You're a primate, chimpanzees are primates and gorillas are primates. We're all primates. It's okay. It's cool. Thinking other primates aren't self-aware might be seen as an indication that one is little more than aware of himself. ;-)



In tests "Koko" (a gorilla), scored just slightly below a human child of the same age. Gorillas are definitely self-ware; no question about it. :-)

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Xzavier
23:19 Dec 08 2008

Intelligence is not a sign of self-awareness. Tests with dolphins have reveled similar results, should we offer them admittance into pre-school on the grounds of mammalian affirmative action lol?

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Beastt17
12:00 Dec 09 2008

I wasn't intending to suggest that it was. What test do you propose that humans would pass and all other species would not?

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I've been watching the 2001 version of "Planet of the Apes" and it reminded me of how much I really don't like primates. I think they're dirty, obnoxious, over rated and a whole lot of other things. I wouldn't want them to go extinct but I'd much rather save something without an opposable thumb.



I dunno they seem to me like some hairy guy with a mental deficiency that everyone expects to save the world by finger painting and poo throwing. Pointless except to place in a reserve or use them for testing. That's mean isn't it? Oh, well.

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Beastt17
00:45 Dec 07 2008

Uhm... some hairy guy, with or without a mental deficiency is a primate. Shave every last hair and he's still a primate.



It makes me wonder if reptiles have the egocentricity to see themselves as superior to cephalopods and think them unworthy of existence.

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Sleep paralysis and depersonalization really blows. At least I rarely have the hallucinations associated with sleep paralysis anymore.

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Beastt17
16:24 Dec 06 2008

Have you seen "Numb"? Apparently, depersonalized guys get all the hottest chicks.

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Xzavier
19:19 Dec 06 2008

No but lest we forget I'm not exactly after 'chicks' lol

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Beastt17
00:47 Dec 07 2008

Oof! My bad.

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Ugh I can't take this cold anymore, it's bloody 11 degrees outside!



--Home, where the piss doesn't freeze before it hits the ground.--

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Sinora
19:18 Dec 05 2008

You piss outside where you live ? Eewwww.

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Arg! Touch, touch, touch thats all I get. I don't mind glad handing people, shaking hands or greetings with a kiss but once thats done, don't touch me!



I despise being touched, even by own mother. A 'hug' is where she takes my hand and kisses it and vice verse.



I tell everyone this from the beginning and I mention it multiple times over time. But nooo every 5 sec I have to be touched. Subtly and the obvious doesn't seem to work on everyone.



I'm not mad just really annoyed lol



Have some people forgotten I'm an eccentric sob? No touchy, gushing, repetition...

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Sinora
21:38 Dec 04 2008

I did'nt hear you complain when you were frisked by the cops that time....lol

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Nista
21:50 Dec 04 2008

I'm with you. I'm particular as all hell. A lover may touch me. A family member may hug me. A friend may hug me...maybe. It very greatly depends on the friend. Everyone else need stay offa me. My personal bubble is expansive. I don't want creepy weird germs on me..I don't want to feel pawed or molested. Just....leave me alone.





I feel your pain. It's like...that stiff pose that you get where you look like you're trying to be a human piece of plywood? Why do they not feel you doing that?



You should start wearing stick pins on your shirts and sweaters. A good jab to sensitive areas like inner arms and chests may send out the right message.

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xxEmaeraldxx
22:59 Dec 04 2008

I know what you mean, I can't stand those touchey, touchey kind of people neither.. Well, unless he is handsome, and has loads of money of course ;)

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Oceanne
15:56 Dec 05 2008

Im with you Zav.

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MBK
21:39 Dec 06 2008

-sulks and lowers hug giving start-

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deathnitegrl
20:26 Dec 20 2008

I am the same, most probably is because my parents are like this too, so I feel weird every time I receive a hug and a kiss.

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I think I'm going to keep my nose out of evolutionary biology. I've tried to keep up to date and add a few cents worth of ideas from time to time but on my list of "things to do" it falls pretty low. I get enough headaches as it is, the last thing I need is more panspermia probability lol.

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atyourwindow
09:40 Dec 04 2008

yeah, ya better leave the thinking to us thinkers xzavier , wouldnt want an original thought to corrupt your theorys lol ....*hugs*

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So I spent the first night at Kev's sleeping on the couch. Why? Because the damn fool kept kicking and snoring. At least I got a nice ring out of the deal. It's absolutely freezing up here and has about an inch of snow everywhere. Around 7am his neighbors decided turn their music up as loud as possible and blast retro gay club music, pissed me off. On the way up here the roads had become rather icy, with cars off in ditches etc. There was a 17 mile traffic jam on the outbound lanes, almost felt bad for them ;)



He had to go to work for a few hours and while he was away I started getting dressed and all pretty when I started to throw up, unpleasant. I also figured out that I brought to few pain meds and will be out for 3 days.



I brought my computer and notebooks because I've got several things to work on but the drive has all but fled. My brain feels like mush. Gonna try and get him to take me to Chicago :)



Well, thats that.

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CryingDutchess
00:51 Dec 03 2008

Oooo! What kind of ring, you hussy? As for the kicking and such in bed -- put his head through the wall and call it an evening. Concussed sleepers rarely kick. If the neighbors were playing Right Said Fred or Culture Club, please, put them out of their misery. Buy them the first series of Queer as Folk.

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12 hours till I'm outta here and on my way to Indiana, and my head feels like it's going to explode, damn migraines! I should be able to get on here about as much as normal which is good. Although, I may not be on tomorrow because of travel and all that jazz.



I'll enjoy being with Kev but I'm not going to enjoy being up North and in the cold lol.



I'm still a featured member on Gay.com which rocks. I'm getting dozens of messages a day lol. BeshadowedChild saw me and started to chat with me (didn't tell me who he was) so I'm sure I embarrassed myself lol. At least I know what he looks like and Dylan was right,sooo adorable :)



Time retire for the night.

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Oceanne
07:38 Dec 01 2008

Again?:( Sure hope it is better by the time Kev gets there.And hey,even though you're going to the tundra,Im sure he will take ggod care of yaz and keep you warm.

Just enjoy yourself.

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Sinora
09:46 Dec 01 2008

Pack you vest...you'll be fine *hugs*

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CryingDutchess
00:49 Dec 03 2008

*still laughing about the featured member bit* Yep, I saw it, doll! You handsome devil -- MBK always picks out cute guys...

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