The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I can't beleive I managed to get to the 3rd level on here. Anyways I want to get to level 7 or higher.



WhiteSnowWolf

There is a friend that I am interested in who is on here and one who I feel comfortable with. I am glad I found her on here as I wasn't expecting to anyways. She's sweet and kind and she listens to me.

Anyways enough for now.



WhiteSnowWolf

In Memory Of Nola today I have lit a candle to remember her. This day makes it 2 months ago that she passed away as I held her hand.

I look at her picture on the website I created in memory of her and I remember all the times that she and I had together even though it was short lived though.

She passed away at 9:41 a.m. on Thurs. Sept. 29, 2005. I had spent those last 3 weeks and a day with her at the hospital hoping and praying that she would pull through and get well so I could've taken her home.

That didn't happen and I wished I could make time go backwards so I could get her to go to the hospital back around August or even July of 2005.

I'll leave what I wrote for Nola in memory of her in the poetry entry for everyone to read.



To Nola, I have loved you and I still do and always will love you always and forever. You will always have my forgiveness Nola as it wasn't your fault that you got sick and didn't know and it wasn't your fault that you died. You tried to fight to live, this I do know, but, I don't blame you nor do I hold you responsible for your body failing you. May you find peace one day Nola, My Heaven Sent Angel.

I love you and I am in love with you always Nola, always and forever.



Your Widowed Husband,



WhiteSnowWolf

I have been trying to deal with Nola's death ever since she died on Thurs. Sept. 29, 2005. It's a living nightmare 24/7 for me. There are days when I feel like I can deal with it and there are days I want to literally die. I learned long time ago that Wolves either are in packs and mate for life or they are always traveling alone.

Looks as though I fit the 2nd one as I have tried to have a marriage 3 times and look where i am now. I am depressed, hurt, empty, and alone, so very alone.

At times I am horny as hell and other times I don't care for intimacy at all. My emotions are so mixed and jumbled all the time. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore.

Everything's out of place and don't feel right anymore. I feel all out of sorts and feel like I don't belong anywhere here on earth at all.

Never have I felt like this before and all I seek is relief from this pain, this torment, this hell i live everyday.

At times I just want to curl up and die. I hide from others feeling like I'd be a bother, a pest. I cry on in the inside alot and hide all my feelings by bottling them up. I ahve gotten so good at that, that I have forgotten what it's like to really express the emotions I have inside anymore.

I hate to fight and argue. I don't believe in hitting others (male and female).

I'm always forgiving toward others as that is my nature. I don't hold grudges towards anyone as it's not worth it at all.

Being gentle and kind is who and what I really am. Being there for others is me also.

Anyways....I don't know what else to say now.



I'll try to update this Journal again soon.





WhiteSnowWolf

The pain and loss I feel is far more than I can bare but I bare it in loving memory of her.

To explain more more about me and how I first met my dearly departed wife.

We met back on Apirl 1, 1999 in TalkCity Chat in a room called friends-w-disabilities. At that time I was living in San Antonio, Texas and she lived in North Carolina. I had found out from that she had Multiple Sclerosis and Type 2 Diabetes. Finding out that didn't stop me from falling in love with her and desiring to be with her always and forever together.

We finally met on Dec. 4, 1999 in Memphis Tenn. By May of 2000 I had moved from San Antonio, Texas to North Carolina and moved in with her and her 2 children.

Dec. 4, 2001 we got married and we stayed married to each other and I did the best I could in taking care of her.

March of 2005 she asked for a divorce for medical reasons as she needed her medicade card. I argued with her about her divorcing me but I finally gave in because I knew she needed that medicade card because of her M.S. and Diabetes.

She made a promise to me that we'd be married to each other in our hearts.

Even though we had divorced by the law of the land, to us, we knew that we are (were) still married to each other.

Little did we both know that on Wed. Sept. 7, 2005 would be our last time to talk and see each other ever again. That was the day I took her to the hospital and that was the beginning of the end for us both.

I had spent 3 weeks and 1 day at the hospital with her and held her hand on Thurs. Sept. 29, 2005 as she passed away before my very eyes.

Ever since that day I have wished to die as I miss her so deeply and I love her so very much.

Thanksgiving has come and gone without her and the void continues to grow. My own family in San Antonio Texas doesn't wanna have anything to do with me and I know of no one here in North Carolina either. I have no transportation because my parents always felt that if I had gotten a car that I'd be in a car wreck so I have never learned how to drive at all.

I don't seek pity from anyone who reads this, but, Understanding would be a better thing to receive.

Yes, I know, death come in many forms and in many different ways, but, losing the one you love is like losing yourself.

I try to explain who and what I am and what I have gone through, but, to others, they think I am seeking pity, when all I seek for them to try to understand what I have gone through. Others tend to think I am "Normal". Hell, what is "Normal"????

I've mentioned what I have and still people wanna see is that a person disabled is what shows on the outside, not, what's on the inside of them. Doesn't mean I am crazy and I'm gonna kill someone. Just means I am mentally disabled and trying to make me "Normal" won't solve anything.

Let me explain a bit here. I was born a reubella baby back in 1964. My mother caught the german measels and it got passed to me in the first 3 months of her being pregnant with me. I was born with alot of probs at birth and I have been mentally disabled ever since. I went to special ed classes until I couldn't handle the kids at school and my family at home so I signed myself into the State Hospital to get help as I thought I was going crazy at the time.

I learned later I don't handle pressure very well. Well, that was one of the things I had learned though. The other I learned is that I haven't been able to hold a job, not because I don't want to, but, because I am not able to is why.

Before Nola came in my life, I was married 2 other times before. My first marriage didn't last due the fact my 1st wife couldn't handle being married to a disabled person and the 2nd wife didn't believe I was disabled and didn't wanna work nor keep the place clean either.

Seems that marriage eludes me when I know that one the one thing that truly makes me happy is to be married to 1 person only. I tried to make both of my marriages work, but, in the end they failed. My 3rd marriage was a marraige to me despite Nola divorcing me so she could have medicade because of her disablilties.

If she didn't love me she never would've had me stay with her and do the best I could in helping her try to stay well and healthy.

To me, she will always be my wife always and forever.



I hope I have explained enough here and I'll try to keep a journal on here as much as I can.



Paul