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She lies upon her soft bed

Pale... feverish... and in pain...

The doctors whisper about transfusion

Yet she stubbornly refuses due to her fear of needles

And her phobia of letting anyone else's blood taint her

So the family lets her have her way IF...

She will follow her medications religiously

She has no other choice...

She nods her head.

The pills gag her throat and causes her soul to turn numb

Dulling her taste as well as making her almost throw up

But drink she shall for she hates the idea

Of someone else's blood run through her veins

Maybe there is a different path that will lead her home...

Maybe...

Again, this weak vessel fails me...

Chained to this world in such a form

I find each moment becoming more precious... more lovely

I pray things will change soon

As I peek through this small window of hope

I see such beautiful images of youth and vibrance

Maybe life is predestined to each individual

Yet our will to survive and to change our lives

Is the force that makes our existence on this earth

Have more meaning...

Maybe that's the answer I've been searching for

Maybe...

I reached out my hand in the darkness

And I was certain he touched it and held it for a moment

But just as soon as joy flooded into this heart

I was left alone in the shadows again

I longingly cried out his name in the silence

Hoping with all that I have left in me that he'd hear me

Till I began feeling the life slowly draining out of me

Was it all just a dream?

Again, I plunge deep into my thoughts

Searching for answers when there is none...

Now, I close my eyes and step off this cliff

I feel myself falling... falling... falling...

Trust is such a frail thing yet ever so precious

But blindly I will trust in what happens after all of this

No matter where it leads me to...

There is always reason behind all things...

I just have to find it even if it means groping in the dark.

The stars are somewhat dimming in my vision

Maybe it is because my eyes are filled with tears?

I was mistaken.. and now, I bear the burden of that error

So in the shadows I shall retreat once more

To lick these open wounds till they heal

Time will pass.. and I hope it will go by swiftly

I run into the cold rain to hide my weeping

I dare not show how much I ache in my folly

"The person whom you love most

Will be the one who has the most power

To cause you extreme pain and loneliness..."

I was so wrong... and ever so naive to believe.

I feel as if I am drained of life

In hating that which once I held so precious

I pray time will heal this gaping wound soon

Music pacifies the great rage within me

But his songs I have hidden for now

Less the memories drown me in sorrow once again

There will be a time to listen to them

Just not now...

I will silently hide once more in the shadows

And try to guide those who need my light

Till maybe... just maybe...

There will come a time someone will knock

And know how to get past through my solid barriers

And touch this soul of mine.

It is time for me to kill this old battered self again

And be reborn into a woman braver and stronger

Yes.. he succeeded in killing me..

But as I have learned in this dark realm

My innate power is too strong...

Soon enough, this "death" will be forgotten

No... this "death" will be forgiven

And there will be no regret in this heart

And life and love will be sweet for me again.

Once again, he sent me a message out of the blue

And my heart dangerously falters with the intensity

Funny how emotions can react so strongly

Even despite the whipping of driven control

Is his love truly that powerful to sway me so?

Too many questions jump in my consciousness

Which I am very aware only he can answer...

I am quite sure I closed the door

But why does he have such talent in picking the lock?

I will let time reveal just how he will pursue this

There must be a reason as to why he does all these things

A concrete meaning to why he is so driven

I dare not test fate in what this all means

But I am thrilled to find out what is going to happen next

I will let him make his move if ever he does come to me

Then I will just see how the beast within me reacts

If the creature within consumes him... it is his fault

If the being inside of me accepts him once more

Then there must be something more to this

I know myself too well...

As I would lie down before dawn's break

I'd linger on thoughts of you being by my side...

Having you near me lying down on satin sheets

And big soft fluffy pillows all around

Feeling your warmth as you'd tightly embrace me

In your strong protective arms...

Hearing only the low husky murmur of your voice

As you sweetly whisper in my ears.

Knowing only the magic your hands bring

As they caress every inch of me...

I'd gently brush your lush hair from your face

And tenderly kiss you upon your lips;

Savoring only the taste of your love as it consumes me.

My nakedness glows in the dimly lit room

As I arch in blissful ecstasy of knowing such passion

Such intensity in such a wonderful moment

Half alive... barely breathing... ohhh... such heaven...

Only then do I close my eyes to sleep...

Knowing I shall slumber with a smile on my lips.

I never cry... the words of most men

Still, in being a full-grown woman; I never cry.

In times I feel so overwhelmed with loneliness and grief

In times I get so depressed

With the chaotic events that fill the world

In times I am so frustrated by the things I want to try to do..

But can't because my hands are tied

I never cry...

But my heart bleeds.

In the eyes of a man who has lost his love for his wife

My heart gets torn apart... and bleeds

In the words of a parent

Who has given up all hope for a child's future

My heart pounds like a hammer... and bleeds

In the minds of men who judge so falsely

Of things they look at yet not really 'see'

My heart aches like crazy... and bleeds

For in tears, we may find comfort in the moment

As we wash away the bitterness festering in the soul

But the heart, in all its complexity and beauty

Remembers every scar, every wound as if newly inflicted

And the mind can be so masochistic especially in isolation...

Each pain, each heartache, each sorrow... the heart bleeds

Still, I never cry.

I heard him sweetly call my name in the darkness again

And half ecstatic, I rushed down towards the door

He softly whispered from the outside

Saying he wanted another chance

And there by that door, I was just waiting for him to knock...

I peeked through the keyhole and saw him

He was just standing there... waiting...

He was still as beautiful as before...

But now, there was something different about this man

I waited for a while... he still stood there doing nothing...

Until I realized there was nothing else left to do

I reached out towards the door... crying...

And finally locked it.

If he had been my Adam,

He would've know the door was never locked...

What once was a fantasy dream come true

Is now just a bittersweet memory

There is no tomorrow anymore for this vision

And as I turned my back towards that locked door

The tower I once was locked in disappeared...

I was free at last.

But when I looked back, it was him that I saw now

Locked inside that dreadful fortress of hate.

I will never forget you... but it is time we both must move on.

"If you were my Adam,

You should've known the door was never locked..."

Now is the time I must put up my walls once more against you

There has been too much bloodshed

And my tears must not fall anymore for someone like you

With my bruised and tired hands,

I will try and rebuild my fortress once more.

I was a fool to believe and to trust you so...

When will this heartache be over?

My Neil, where are you when I need you most?

As I begin to stand once more, I leave that fragile dream behind

I guess I was looking through rose colored glasses

When I thought I saw your soul

I thought you were one of my kind...

Now all I see is that you just wanted to hurt me...

Now all I see is a beast that is worse than my darkened soul.

You succeeded... I hope you're happy now.

Now, I shall leave you with your memories of me

You will know regret in my absence

And as the days pass by, you will begin to realize

The true meaning of loneliness...

Nobody will ever be able to take my place

For even as you try to gloat over your folly

The memory of my love will haunt you in the night

My face will deeply etch into your consciousness

You will never know peace in your dreams...

You will never know acceptance in a woman's arms...

The way that I once welcomed you into my world.

He talks to me about the darkness and he comforts me

He tells me to leave the jagged past behind

That this time, I should take his outstretched hands

That we should explore the shadows together

He hates the thought of me thinking about 'him'

For he is willing to be my new guardian, my soul's protector

He is a kind, sensual entity who watches over me as I slumber

For he projects his spirit across the miles to my sleeping form

He even whispers to me in dreams...

And now, he's offered to be bound to me in dark brotherhood

Could this be fate's twist at this time in my life?

Indeed, he too lives in a distant land

Yet his frequent messages come to me

As if he's so near to touch

And his thoughtful little gifts are very endearing

But my heart is still badly hurting...

My eyes are still wet from bloody tears...

A true gentleman, he is willing to wait.

He is such a sweet soul to care.

My dark, morbid brother...

What meaning does this life have for a soul so strong?

When it is caged in such a frail shell of a woman?

For years I have battled these shackles of pain and pressure

Many times I have come to the brink of Death

And even stared him in the face and embraced him

When will this damned illness stop tormenting me?

I fall upon the weakness of human flesh and weep

Must I face this in such a way that I must always hide?

But I dare not show my tears to anybody

Indeed, I am a proud creature of the night...

Too strong to admit that I'm physically falling apart...

Too headstrong to admit that my spirit is breaking into pieces...

I have no other choice

I must go on.

See me.. talk to me..

Entice me with your intelligent words and wit

Talk to me.. face me..

Show me that your eyes have that elusive sparkle

Face me.. touch me..

Make me aware that you are are amongst the living

Touch me.. caress me..

Let me feel surprising thrill found in your hands

Caress me.. kiss me..

Allow our mouths to explore what sweet bliss is

Kiss me.. embrace me..

Prove to me how warm your body can be against mine

Embrace me.. seduce me..

Touch my nakedness till you can feel my soul

Seduce me.. make love to me..

I want to feel you inside me to make me whole.

Again, my frail body falters upon the weight my soul carries

How long must I endure this life before the suffering stops?

And I begin to laugh at fate's very cruel, twisted joke

How come such a strong-willed soul was placed in such a fragile shell?

I try to count the memories, both good and bad

And I weep upon knowing I may not have much time

Oh how I love life so much despite its tragic beauty...

Maybe time will be kind to me and still go on

There's still so much to do... so many things to share...

Too many words still left unsaid to those dear to me

Maybe that's what makes life so precious...

It's way too short.

She walks along this dark desolate road of nowhere

Treading upon fallen leaves of memory and faltering hope

Her eyes vivid with so much life, yet her spark of life lies missing...

Her lush ebony locks dance in the breeze

As if swimming in a sea of tears

Her sweet red lips pressed in eerie silence

Yet to kiss her would be such blissful sin

A lost soul wandering at such an ungodly hour in her life...

Her once proud head bent in deep sorrow

She remains on her lonely lake

Sparkling blue waters

That reflect her solitary image

Once in a while

Her crystalline tears

Disturb the silently dark surface

For she is blindly groping

Seaching for a long, lost hope

To find her eternal mate...

Just what is the truth?

Who is telling the lies?

If she would whisper to you, "I love you.."

Would she be fooling you?

An endless night has descended upon her

Only to be spent weeping ceaselessly

Crying... for what?

For the reality of a joke?

Or the joke of reality???

Should she just give it all up?

Let what was burning brightly inside her

Smolder and thoroughly die?

Alone once more... for how long again?

She had found her reason for living...

Her hope for the dawning day

Yet dusk reigns her world due to uncertainty.

Is she a fool to trust?

Or is she trusting a fool???

Should this solitary tragic swan

Be left alone to her twisted devices

In her big exquisite pond to slowly wither away?

Maybe it is time to hear her sweet swan song

And allow her bleeding heart to know peace

In eternal slumber...

Better to drown in the waters of bittersweet memories

Than to soar the skies of waking reality... lonely and alone.

In my desolate dark room, I lie eyes wide open

Nothing but the silence comforts and torments me this very minute

How I hate being in this world of uncertainty...

I try to wake up from this nightmare

Yet I find myself unable to free myself of these bloody ropes

The heart can be such a tragic fragile jewel...

The tears come unbidden as I try to find release from heartbreak

But I know that darkness binds me forever...

Let me be free of these dead memories

Of soft whispers and sweet words of passion...

Of empty promises and white lies...

Where does this twisted path lead?

Oh how I yearn to be lost at the bottom of this wine bottle

Release me from these hurting chains

Teach me what it means to love again...

And let me be the one to destroy you once more.

Once again, I dance with Death himself...

His long hands feel cold upon my pale skin

And he embraces my frail body, enticing me never to let go

What is this horrid music doing to me?

Why must I go on with this tragic waltz?

Each note, each sway is a step closer to that familiar abyss

That I thought I would never jump in again...

Why must it be this tempting for me?

For weeks now, I have survived not knowing his voice...

Now, his words begin to echo in my mind once more

And my heart again flutters in bittersweet delight

Bordering on hate and love and passion combined...

Time suddenly stopped yet the melody goes on

Over... and over... and over...

Until the questioning mind grew numb...

Till tears began forming in my eyes uncontrollably

And the heart so frail began to bleed on its own.