The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Each day feels like it has its trials awaiting me... not knowing what each day has in store for me, but I still move on the best I can... I tell myself, I dont want to fall in love, but my heart has a mind of its own.... I dont want to need anyone... But I find that I hunger for attention... I tell myself that I would be better off alone.... but I find myself not wanting to be by myself.... Since childhood all I ever wanted was my own family.... Tragedy's happen... now that dream I find joy and fear at the same time... I find that I want that life so badly that it hurts sometimes... I lose patience in fear that if I dont act fast it will never happen.... I slow myself down and let things be, in hopes my life will work out... but my fear tends to push it away.... my dreams since birth have been for Love... I have much of it... but found so little... I ask myself, Have I been through too much in life to know what happiness really is? .... I stumble over my own mind and my words get jumbled, I know what I want to say... but what I hear coming from my mouth is confusion... so many thought trying to get out in so few words... I am a prisoner of my own world and lack the communication to ask for directions out... I speak, but they are not the right words... I fight each day looking for who I am.... but I fear that I wont know it when I find it.... even though it seems like an endless battle... I will continue till my dying day... for what else is there but to give up and wait around to die and miss out on so many things that I am yet aware of..... This is but a days confusion, a days trial....

I am more aware than I like to be and more sensitive than I care to be..... these two things have made my life seem so much more difficult to live a normal life at times, I have lived in chaos most my life, seen things many cant even imagine, lived through experiences so few have.. I spent many of years healing and fighting for my own existance... I have come along way, and maybe some day I may share some of my journies within this journal... I have come a long way... but still I have far to go... I am learning to love myself.... I find it hard as I dont know my own worth... as I came from a world of being worthless as long as I can remember..... I Became an Emporer of a Dark World... gave up my crown and became a servant... I then somehow became a slave... I am still breaking those chains that bind me... only to become what I am not aware of yet... I know I am worth something... somewhere... to someone or thing.... But I have yet to find it... My Battle continues ..... No Longer Shall I be Lost!