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That basically means To Write Love On Her Arms....it's a group I support wholeheartedly simply because I am the victim of depression, self inflicted injuries and suicidal tendencies and I believe that something like this is very much needed in the world....it offers hope to those who feel that hurting or killing themselves is their only way out...I know how strong those feelings are myself and my only wish is that I had something like this to turn to when I wsa having my issues...so today my profile picture is of Love that I wrote on my arm in black sharpie...took me about an hour to do, and then about another 30 minutes after I forgot and washed half of it off doing dishes....I believe in love....maybe not happily ever after but for damn sure I believe in love

I sit here and wonder everyday if I'll ever be good enough for you and I find my answer everyday, in the tiniest little things....no, I'm not good enough for you now, nor will I ever be....I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm too available. I'm just gonna stop trying.....I'm tired of getting shot down and rejected by you all the time....I need something different.....someone who will appreciate me and all I have to offer....and I may have found that in Him....He who holds my collar and chain....He who holds me tight...He who makes me feel special and important....I adore Daddy for all that He does for me and for all that He lets me do for Him.....

Anger and rage pour out of my very soul as I write this....I can no longer trust and it's all because of you...I trusted you when you said that you were in my corner with the whole Curt thing and you broke that right out of me when you went and had lunch with him without first asking if it was okay with me.....you violated "friend code" when you did that and I'm not sure that this is something to easily be swept under the rug....Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely angry with him too for this but you should've just said no....You knew I was still insanely in love with him, you knew it....You knew that given half a chance, I'd go crawling hands and knees back to him if only he'd give me a chance....and yet to went with him....and then casually ask if it bothered me several hours later like what I really felt about it meant nothing....If I'm wrong about any of this, feel free to let me know but as for right now, I'm broken.....funny that this was all it took to break me.....I can no longer sit and cry over this, I need to move on.....

I don't know why I titled it that but for some reason it spoke to me as such.....anyhoo...me and my husband are officially no more. He decided that he didn't want to work on things after all because I'm not June fucking Cleaver...but oh well, I digress...my friends think he'll change his mind again but in all honesty, he's fucked with my head hardcore for months now so I need to keep myself sane, not go further into the abyss....that being said, yes, I love him and part of me will always love him but the problem with that love is that it's killing me....its not letting me breathe, it's making me wonder just how sharp my blade really is....and that's not healthy....it's the polar opposite of healthy....And so, I'm going on a first date tomorrow, first one since the husband and I'm hoping it goes well....I mean how could I go wrong, it's a dirty, perverted, kinky trucker.....lmfao....I'm happy now for the first time since he started his wishy washy bullshit and I'm so glad for it....I'm actually getting seen by someone for who and what I really am and I love it

So, I'm exhausted...thinking about going to bed and just sleeping my day away but the chances of me doing that are slim to non-existent....why you ask...cause my brain doesn't know how to shut off and just let me sleep. I stress out about things that at the moment really don't matter and when I'm done stressing, I'm usually either drunk or stressing more. This whole thing we call life is seriously burning me out.....I need a change, a change for the better, not for the worst....I'm seriously praying to my goddess that what I fear the most doesn't come to pass cause if it does, seriously how am I going to explain it to him, the one I'm supposed to be working on things with....should I say, "oh well, honey, guess what, I'm preggo and it's not yours, it's my friend's that I fucked 2 days ago cause I was being drunk and stupid and he happened to bite me right on my sweetspot"....Is that what I'm supposed to say?

I think I've maybe said too much now and I'm honestly struggling to care but can't really say I do....and for that matter, how do I even begin to work on things with someone who wants me to change my religious beliefs for him and wants me to change my entire view on everything....why can't I have someone who loves me for who I am? This is what goes through my head all day everyday and keeps me up for hours on end. I'm slowly going insane......and only one can keep me from insanity and I'm not sure that this person really knows their affect on me..





Rambling now so I'll move along......laters

COMMENTS

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Promathia
09:30 Apr 08 2010

*Smile* I love how you are driving yourself insane.

It is telling you what to do, all you have to do is do it.

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