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So, about a little over a month ago I got a very bad case of the flu and ended up loosing a bunch of weight. Now before I sick I wasn't looking to weight but when it happened I was pretty happy. Well since I lost the weight to not eating, when I did start eating again I gained all of it back and then some.



The other day I was complaining to a friend of mine saying that I wanted to loose just a few pounds. (Yes I know I'm already small and I don't really care)



Well I think I have just gotten my wish and damn it, I sooo did not want it to happen this way. I somehow managed to get thrush. For those of you who do not know what this is, it's an infection in the throat that cause blisters, swelling and pain. Even though I now have medicine to make it go away, this still means that I can't eat a damn thing for at least another 3 days, and seeing as how I've already gone about 3 days with out food since I can't swollow a damn thing (not even fluids) all I can think is I got my wish. *sighs* this sucks people.

It must be that time of year. Life is never easy but certainly is not that hard either. For the most part things are actually going pretty well right now. So, why the hell can't I shake this feeling off my chest. I can't stop thinking there has got to be more to life than this. The same shit day in, day out. I'm torn. Do I want to crawl back into my hole and hide, or do I want to be ripped away from all of this, into something new and unknown. Years of fucking therapy, and yet I'm still my own worst enemy. The sad part is I don't even know how to cry anymore. I spent years penting it up inside, holding it all in that I can't even make myself cry in the hopes of some relief that could comes from my eyes. So here I am left with my own thoughts and no way for them to escape. No way to get rid of them and this emotional bagage. It's pretty pathetic when even I am tired of my own shit. I mean seriously, I do not enjoy wining, bitching, and complaining and yet that seems to be exactly what I am doing right now. Can you say, walking contradiction, because I could sure as hell scream it at myself right about now!

Oh I must be a masochist to agree to go out tonight even when I'm drop dead tired. Guess it's time to absorb as much caffine as possable.

Oh I Am Sam is such a sad movie... *sheds*... ok yes this is a girlie moment.

I want a man, not a little boy. Being able to fuck well, making lot of money, having a full blown facial hair...





None of these make you a man. It's your a maturity level that makes you a man. The things you stand by, the things you won't stand for and so forth.......