The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

And they got Capone on tax evasion...
21:39 Mar 30 2007
Times Read: 886

I swear, in the almost 8 years I worked for Hilton in Tallahassee, I wish I had had a nickel for everytime someone (especially MEN) had asked me if I had met this poor excuse for a human....I wouldn't HAVE to worry about paying lawyers and hateful stepmonsters anymore...







Prosecutors: Revoke Hilton's probation Fri Mar 30, 7:45 AM ET







LOS ANGELES (AP) — City prosecutors said Thursday they will ask a judge to revoke Paris Hilton's probation in a reckless driving case, a move that could lead to a jail term.



The decision followed an investigation into whether the hotel heiress and reality star violated terms of her probation by driving last month with a suspended license.



"We're confident we have sufficient evidence to prove that her license was suspended and that she had knowledge of that suspension," said Nick Velasquez, a spokesman for the city attorney's office. He declined to elaborate on the evidence, citing an ongoing investigation.



Hilton could face up to 90 days in jail if a judge finds she violated her probation, Velasquez said. A hearing was set for April 17, but Hilton is not required to attend.



In January, Hilton pleaded no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving stemming from a Sept. 7 arrest in Hollywood and was sentenced to 36 months' probation, alcohol education and $1,500 in fines.



Hilton was pulled over on Sunset Boulevard on Feb. 28. Police said they saw her blue Bentley Continental GTC speeding with its headlights off. She was ticketed for misdemeanor driving with a suspended license.



Hilton's spokesman Elliot Mintz said at the time that she wasn't aware that her license was suspended. He declined to comment Thursday.



A call to Hilton's attorney, Howard Weitzman, was not immediately returned.

These people are SERIOUS...lol
21:04 Mar 30 2007
Times Read: 888

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A valuable lesson
09:15 Mar 28 2007
Times Read: 898

When you live in a basement apartment, and your husband is working 12 hour shifts from 5 pm to 5 am.....



RULE NUMBER ONE.....



NEVER watch movies that involve giant spiders, medium spiders, or lots and lots of little spiders-



As a matter of fact, spider movies in GENERAL are a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad idea...



*goes looking for the giant bug swatter...*

Explaining Scott
21:17 Mar 26 2007
Times Read: 913

I was talking to a friend of VW's today- he is a tiger, I told him Scott was my dragon-he wanted to know what breed of dragon-





"ah, you do indeed sound like my love-he has a thing for books on dragons as well-but he has never classified himself to me, and I *shaking head* am not as versed in Dragonology as he....

He loves me

He protects me

He picked up the pieces and put everything back together

He makes my toes curl just by looking at me, then proceeds to make the rest of me curl by doing unspeakable things to me

He allows me the space I want to explore other ways of making our toes curl.

He is intelligent, articulate, well-read, soft spoken in the norm, but volatile when he feels someone he loves is threatened-

And he is mine...and I his."

I love catching up up on current events...
19:06 Mar 24 2007
Times Read: 920

MSNBC.com





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gay police told not to sway hips

Gay police in Philippines told not to sway hips — or risk being fired

The Associated Press

Updated: 6:28 p.m. PT March 22, 2007

MANILA, Philippines - Philippine police issued a warning to gay officers not sway their hips or display other suggestive behavior while on duty — or they could risk losing their jobs.



"If they sway their hips while marching, or if they engage in lustful conduct, I think that will be a ground for separation," Philippine National Police or PNP spokesman Chief Superintendent Samuel Pagdilao said Thursday.



Pagdilao said the police department does not discriminate against homosexuals, but will not hesitate to fire those who misbehave.



"As an institution, the PNP does not look at or interfere with one's sexual preference," Pagdilao told Manila Radio DZXL. "But it does look at its members' conduct. If they behave within the norm, I don't think we'll have a problem."



The Philippines has a reputation for tolerance toward homosexuality.





However, a party representing lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgendered people was recently refused registration for May congressional elections on the grounds that it does not have nationwide chapters. Its members are appealing.



© 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17741787/?GT1=9145





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Welcome to Saturday
19:04 Mar 24 2007
Times Read: 921

MSNBC.com





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man gets probation for dead deer sex

Judge: ‘The ... behavior is disturbing’; man convicted earlier in horse case

The Associated Press

Updated: 11:24 a.m. PT March 22, 2007

SUPERIOR, Wis. - A 20-year-old man received probation after he was convicted of having sexual contact with a dead deer. The sentence also requires Bryan James Hathaway to be evaluated as a sex offender and treated at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health in Duluth, Minn.



"The state believes that particular place is the best to provide treatment for the individual," Assistant District Attorney Jim Boughner said.



Hathaway's probation will be served at the same time as a nine-month jail sentence he received in February for violating his extended supervision.



He was found guilty in April 2005 of felony mistreatment of an animal after he killed a horse with the intention of having sex with it. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail and two years of extended supervision on that charge as well as six years of probation for taking and driving a vehicle without the owner's consent.



Hathaway pleaded no contest earlier this month to misdemeanor mistreatment of an animal for the incident involving the deer. He was sentenced Tuesday in Douglas County Circuit Court.



"The type of behavior is disturbing," Judge Michael Lucci said. "It's disturbing to the public. It's disturbing to the court."



© 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17726206/





--------------------------------------------------------------

THIS one is for images- hope you get a laugh you need honey...
22:34 Mar 23 2007
Times Read: 925

For the southern women here on VR
22:24 Mar 23 2007
Times Read: 927






This is for all the southern women on here who have EVER had to put up with this kind of thing-enjoy girls, you know who you are- and I love ya'll to death...*chuckling*

Equal time boys, equal time...*chuckling*
05:20 Mar 22 2007
Times Read: 940

from The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.



3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.



4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.



5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.



6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.



7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.

At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.



8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.



9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.



10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.



11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.



12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.



13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.



14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.



15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.



16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.



17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking

about his choice of beer.



20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.



21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting

weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!



22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:

i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.



23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.



24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly " just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.



25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.



26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,

orange or sky blue.



27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for

Christmas?"

with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.



28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's

Gymnastics.

Ever.







We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really

know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:



"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being

assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"



"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of

perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the

butt and having the balls to say, "You're next!"



We hope this clears up any confusion,







The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd

pay attention guys...
22:03 Mar 21 2007
Times Read: 947

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her

Husband:



"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."



The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."



He never heard the shot...

can you tell?
01:56 Mar 21 2007
Times Read: 953

yup-it's gonna be one of those days...ROFLMAO

THANK you VW-
01:50 Mar 21 2007
Times Read: 955

So NICE to see my sister has got my back- I am so gonna have to start censoring what I write around these women...LMAO

BOOK-yeah, I know
01:43 Mar 21 2007
Times Read: 958

I know, I know- as if I don't already have enough books to read already- poor Scott, his apartment has been overrun by beer boxes loaded with books, and I only brought the ones I HAVEN'T read when I moved up from Florida-

So we go to the mall this past weekend, and Coles (see "Books-a-Million) was having their version of a yard sale in the middle of the mall...we were one floor up, and I could SMELL them (yes, I know, Giles said the same thing...books DO smell, and wonderfully so...)

It took all of about a couple of seconds for me to gallop down the stairs and start nosing around-and of course, I find two ghost story books- I just love those damn things...everytime I go on vacation, no matter where it is, I always look for a place that has the local ghost story books on sale, because I absolutely adore reading about ghosts and urban legends and what not...

One of them is called "Gothic Ghost Stories: Tales of Intrigue and Fantasy from Beyond the Grave" by A.S. Mott...

In it, he includes what he says is his favorite description of Gothic, from television host Daniel Richler, who says, and I quote here as well:



"Gothicism at its heart is when sex and death get together on the dance floor..."



I can't wait till I get to be whatever I have to be to use different fonts in my journal-

Ah, the fun never stops.....
00:32 Mar 21 2007
Times Read: 960

........his eyes are still closed, but his breathing deepens as you stroke him...you can feel his arousal build as you tease him gently with your fingers...

He rolls to you, and together you fit like the perfect puzzle, curve to concave, hill to valley, you move together in waves like the ocean...

He eases into place, his movements starting to speed up, going faster and faster.....



Basement apartment: $720 a month



jersey cotton sheets that cling: $30



Being able to laugh hysterically with each other when your husband has a crashing orgasm just as the girl upstairs starts practicing "pop goes the weasel"



Priceless.....

it's Monday.....
08:03 Mar 20 2007
Times Read: 968

And that means that it is laundry day....



And today was the day I had planned to go through my fabric stash and pick out some for pillow coverings.....yes, girlie, they are for you...*chuckling*



But the apartment also needed to be cleaned and vacuumed, so I have been going all day like the Tasmanian Devil-here, there, and everywhere-



got caught up on ALL the nit-noid chores I had been putting off for a rainy day (hello, this is CANADA- it is ALWAYS a rainy day)



I go out to put the last load of fabric in the dryer, dropped a piece, and tried to be all coordinated and shit and bend over, pick up the swatch, throw it in the dryer, and close the door at the same time-thus making as economical a move as possible-which with my back acting up the way it has lately, ain't no small feat, peoples...



I do occasionally forget I have two 42C cup attachments to my chest, and true to form, one went on one side of the dryer door, one went to the other.....



Yes, people, I closed the dryer door on my right nipple.....



I am officially in a great deal of pain now....



OHMIGAWD.......



well, on a high note, I don't notice my back hurting so much anymore.....

A shared opinion
07:10 Mar 20 2007
Times Read: 970

LadyKrystalynDarkstar's Journal

Memorable Items





Just been through this lady's mind, and I feel so much better. And you people wonder why I don't rate the newest people first? Problem is, I started at the oldest and started working my way up, and you know what? Some of those are just as bad as the newbies are. I swear, what IS it with schools these days? Do these people NOT teach grammar and spelling? And even if they don't, these ding-a -lings can't POSSIBLY think that any of this crap makes sense...I mean really- is looking stupid the new black these days?

For VW
22:21 Mar 18 2007
Times Read: 981






Just so the rat knows she is loved...ROFLMAO

For the girls
21:47 Mar 16 2007
Times Read: 993

The video is for my new found sisters....

Nita, Connie, and Kay....















And while I may not be black, I can certainly empathize with the following sentiment, from the same movie, "The Color Purple"...



You a low down dirty dog, that's what's wrong. Time for me to get away from you, and enter into Creation. And your dead body'd be just the welcome mat I need.

I could kill you. Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!

Until you do right by me, everything you even think about gonna fail!

The jail you plan for me is the one you gonna rote in!

Everything you done to me, you already under you.

I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly, but dear God I'm here, I'm here!

Something to believe in
08:04 Mar 16 2007
Times Read: 999

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...





A set of screwdrivers,

A cordless drill, and

A black lace bra..







A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...





One friend who

Always makes her Laugh...

And one

Who lets her cry...





A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...





A good piece of furniture

Not previously owned by

Anyone else in her family...





A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE





Eight matching plates,

Wine glasses with stems,

And a recipe for a meal that will

Make her guests feel honored.





A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...





A feeling of control over

Her destiny...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





How to fall in love

Without losing herself...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...



How to quit a Job



Break up with a lover



And confront a friend without ruining the friendship







EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





When to try harder... And

WHEN TO WALK AWAY.





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





That she can't change

The length of her calves,

The width of her hips, or

The nature of her parents...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





That her childhood

May not have been

Perfect..but;

Its over...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





What she would and

Wouldn't

Do for love or more...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





How to live alone...

Even if

She doesn't like it...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





Whom she can trust,

Whom she can't,

And why she shouldn't

Take it personally...





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





Where to go...

Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..

Or a charming inn in the woods...

When her soul needs soothing... !





EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...





What she can and can't accomplish

In a day...

A month..

And a year...





SEND THIS TO 3 WOMEN.... You will have good luck for an entire day..



SEND THIS TO 6 WOMEN... You will have good luck for all of the year.



But, if nothing else... Know that you are truly loved and thought of by the friend who sent this to you...and that she only wishes the best for you and your life

I just COULDN'T resist...
01:06 Mar 15 2007
Times Read: 1,014



AllLayedOut.com

www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan
09:05 Mar 14 2007
Times Read: 1,021

Put in your name, and hit the sloganize button- and you can do it as many times as you like...





All You Need is a Redqueen and a Dream



Only The Crumbliest Flakiest Redqueen



Obey Your Redqueen.



If Only Everything in Life was as Reliable as a Redqueen.





and OHMIGOD...



I Wish I Were a Redqueen Weiner.

The house
04:30 Mar 14 2007
Times Read: 1,023

There is a house about 3 blocks up the hill from where we live, here in lovely New Westminster, original capital to BC...we pass it everytime we go out, and I have walked past it a couple of times on the way to the mailbox at the top of the hill...a white house with orange trim (yes, you read it right) and a white picket fence, lots of windows...

It was for sale for months...I looked at it longingly several times, knowing full well we don't have the money for a house right now, but wishful thinking is a hobby of mine...

About a month ago, the for sale disappeared...I figured it had been sold, but there were never any signs of life, no lights, no glow from the tv, nothing...

A couple of weeks ago, the for sale sign reappeared, and just as quickly had a sold sign plastered across it...

Still no signs of life, warmth, light...

Tonight I walked up the hill to mail a couple of letters....one to my son, whom I miss and love muchly...

One to an old friend who thinks computers are the tools of the devil...*chuckling* if only she knew....I had woefully neglected (re:put off the painful prospect) of letting her know that my ex and I were divorced, and that I was currently residing in Canada with my new husband...writing to her was probably the second hardest thing I have had to do since leaving my son...not in a good frame of mind but finally at peace for having done the right thing and telling her....

As I walked past this house, I again looked at the blank windows, the shadows hugging the porch...

The house whispered at me....but I could not understand what it was trying to say...

And suddenly I detected the scent of a man, freshly shaved....yet there was no one around, in the dark of the street between streetlamps...



I was seriously spooked...



I thought my "thing" only worked on people...

SOOOO true
23:47 Mar 13 2007
Times Read: 1,027

Fourteen Things That It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn-by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.

13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.



Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

For my dear VW and her ranting for snow....lol
22:55 Mar 09 2007
Times Read: 1,046

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:



This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days.



And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.



What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!



We had a female news anchor that,tThe day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:



"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"



Not only did HE have to leave the set,



but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

yuh hunh....
04:49 Mar 08 2007
Times Read: 1,050

From a Maryland resident to his Senator





The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes

309 Hart Senate Office Building

Washington DC, 20510





Dear Senator Sarbanes,



As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to

determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.



My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate andfor which you voted.



If my understanding of this bill's provisions is

accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.



Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.



Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using

the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would

be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many collegesthroughout the United States for my son.



Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.



If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.





Your Loyal Constituent,



=)

SERIOUSLY???
02:24 Mar 08 2007
Times Read: 1,053

From: "Old Witchcraft Secrets" (Add to address book)

Date: 2007/03/07 Wed PM 09:11:26 EST

To: bardiva@tds.net

Subject: Old Witchcraft Secrets - make your wildest dreams come true







"Old Witchcraft Secrets" will show you in detail, how you can cast powerful spells.



Make your wildest dreams come true.



It's NOT your fault that your spells and rituals aren't turning out like you want... YET.



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and the truth is that 99% of these 'professionals' are DEAD WRONG!



In fact, a lot of what they say will actually diminish your powers.



They don't want you to know the right way to cast spells because if you did, you'd never need

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Soon, everybody will be able to do this at home,

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You've seen some ridiculous prices on the internet for

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Once you know their secrets, you won’t need to give them your money!



I've personally tested this information, and some of the

old forgotten stuff is mind blowing: it's accurate, effective

and quite easy to do.



Discover The Most Powerful Spells and Secrets

ROFLMAO
01:59 Mar 08 2007
Times Read: 1,056

3 Labs
01:50 Mar 08 2007
Times Read: 1,059

Three male Labrador Retrievers, one chocolate, one yellow and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a

conversation.



The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"



The brown Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I

pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"



"They are gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."



The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?"



The yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."



"So what are they going to do to you?" the black Lab inquired.



"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected yellow Lab said.



The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?



"I'm a humper," the black Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down

to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away".



The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"



The black Lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped...."

DAMN skippy- and don't you forget it either...LMAO
04:53 Mar 07 2007
Times Read: 1,064

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend

2. a companion

3. a lover

4. a brother

5. a father

6. a master

7. a chef

8. an electrician

9. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organizer

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

44. compassionate



WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:



45. give her compliments regularly

46. love shopping

47. be honest

48. be very rich

49. not stress her out

50. not look at other girls



AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:



51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

54. Never try and spend any time without her!!!





IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:



55. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY



1. Show up naked

2. Bring food and beer

My alcohoroscope....*snort*
04:47 Mar 07 2007
Times Read: 1,065

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22 )

Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous

dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding

dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're

darling -- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit,

probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get

over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one

what brung them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so

just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung

over) Lion to make it up to you the next day. Trademark cocktails: Leos like

flashy drinks, be they complicated tropical concoctions festooned with

umbrellas, like a Bahama mama or the more common strawberry daiquiri or mai

tai. Indeed, they often have a taste for the fruity -- try a screwdriver, or

add an extra cherr! y to the next Manhattan. Their sense of drama lends

itself to a kir royale, of course.

Drinking buddies: Ben Affleck, Gillian Anderson, Bill Clinton, Monica

Lewinsky, Jennifer Lopez, Madonna, Debra Messing, Kevin Spacey, Martha

Stewart, Andy Warhol

Chinese proverbs-thank you Howie...lol
04:05 Mar 07 2007
Times Read: 1,068

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who run in front of car get tired.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who run behind car get exhausted.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man with one chopstick go hungry.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.



* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*



Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.



*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Patience...*sigh*
04:00 Mar 06 2007
Times Read: 1,075

I just got through reading VW's posting aobut patience...

I seem to be running woefully short...

*imagining being in VW's drive thru..."Can you make that a biggie extra value super meal please? With EXTRA secret sauce?"*

I have been faxing the emails the stepmonster sent me on this computer so far to someone who is hopefully going to be able to put a stop to this once and for all, or at the very least point me in the right direction...of course, that meant I had to actually re read some of that filth...it always upsets me...

I am torn...I know revenge is not a good thing to wish for, but she has hurt me so much since Daddy passed away....I know that some of the things she does and says are a direct result from the fact that she NEEDS to be under a doctor's care and ON MEDS...that some of the delusions she suffers from ,and therefore forces ME to suffer from, are because she is sick, that she can't help some of the things she does and says...

SOME of it is because she is sick...most of it is because the only thing keeping her alive anymore is hating me, and trying to con me out of my inheritence, and money, money, money, and making me feel filthy and slimey...

*sigh*

I am tired of turning the other cheek, ignoring her, giving her the benefit of the doubt, all those nice CHRISTIAN things I was raised to believe in...

I want this to stop...



I am tired of crying till I can't fucking BREATH for fuck's sake..



I am TIRED of dragging Scott into this pit she has laid around my life,



I am tired of lawyers who don't want to deal with her becuase it is too much trouble/effort/aggravation/they don't like dealing with her...



I am tired of everything Daddy worked so hard for and set aside for her to be comfortable and safe until she dies and then being there to take care of me, slowly going into other people's houses while she lines her pockets...



I am FUCKING-A TIRED of just letting it go...



I don't want revenge...



I WANT JUSTICE

Daddy and the Stepmonster
03:35 Mar 06 2007
Times Read: 1,076

Looks decptively sweet, doesn't she...

who knew that beneath someone so polished could lurk the soul of a demonic harridan.

For those of you who just went "hunh? is that a good thing?"



No, it isn't- look it up...

I'm not overweight, I'm UNDERTALL
02:16 Mar 06 2007
Times Read: 1,081

The question is, What does a 320 pound woman look like?





Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a woman who weighs 320 looks like....







Got it?







Ready?









Not what you were expecting, was it??!!



The tallest and biggest woman in the world lives in Holland .



She is 7'4" and weighs 320

What a relief! Now we ALL know we aren't overweight, just too short!

SOO true.....
02:10 Mar 06 2007
Times Read: 1,084

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.



Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"



"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")



"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.



"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."



"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."



"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.



"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.



"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."



"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.



MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Dear birdy, snake, and RAT
02:05 Mar 06 2007
Times Read: 1,086

To my sisters- the next time her highness decides to wander around bedrooms in the middle of o'dark thirty in the morning, pulling and poking and generally aggravating the SHIT out of those of us who are gratefully snoozing, let the RAT beware...there is a reason for the saying...



"Let sleeping dogs lie"........LMAO









and to quote a favorite redneck joke of mine...



"That dawg'll BITE you...."

Into each life, a little RAT must fall...love you kiddo
01:58 Mar 06 2007
Times Read: 1,090

gotta love southern women...lol
20:10 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,095

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience

for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

a plea for help-given to covens and houses, all...
10:38 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,100

I have already written several entries about my step monster in my journal over the past few months- articles of pain that helped me mitigate that pain to one degree or the other...

What I need now the most is support...



From any and all Wiccans, I bid thee welcome. I have admired your spirit and your dedication for some time now, and I believe I know what to do..



I ask for help in the form of a prayer...I need to have all the most positive energies around me, focusing on making this woman see the error of her ways, to help the people who can actually do somethng about this, that hatred is not the path...but most of all ...



I WANT HER TO PAY!



I want her to know that she has wronged me, harrassed me, in part contributed to the break up of my former marriage, taking things that had been in my family for generations, yet some were sold as if they were Walmart specials and what she didn't sell outright, she moved with her when she left the house my Father left to her for her protection, and rented it out to strangers, rather than give up one iota of control over me...she has threatened to let the lease tenants do what they will with my house, and she has threatened to sell yet more of my memories if I don't do what she wants...I have the beginnings of a way out of this mess, with help from another VR'er, but I need the support of people who can cast spells, believe in good triumphing over evil, and that bad people should not prosper on the backs of the innocent...as soon as I can, I will get a picture on here, so that there is a focus...

I know what I ask, and I know it comes at a price sometimes...

It is worth it to me....

And you wonder why I love being southern...
06:16 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,102

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true theys

suin them cigarette companies fer causin People to git cancer ?"



"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.



"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants Fer makin th em fat

an cloggin their arteries with all Them burgers an fries, is that true,

Mista Lawyer?"



"Sure is, Bubba."



"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she Was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"



"Yep."



"And that football player sued that university when he Gradiated and still couldn't read?"



"That's right," said the lawyer."

"But why are you asking?"



"Well, I was thinkin . . .. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser

fer all them ugly women I slept with?"

MYSPACE BLOWS!
05:23 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,104

I want to thank the powers that be, be it Cancer or however (I'm assuming the big cheese is the guy anyway...lol) for making it so easy to fluff, fold, and redecorate our profiles...



I just spent all day on myspace trying to spiff up my profile over there just a little, since there are people there who don't want to come here, no matter how hard I beg.....



I STILL can't get anything to work on that smug piece of shit....*sigh*



LOSER....move on....LMAO

Bizarre Deaths Of The Famous
04:19 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,106

Attila the Hun

453 AD --- bled to death from a nosebleed on his wedding

night.



Catherine the Great - Empress of Russia

1796 --- a stroke, while going to the bathroom.



Isadora Duncan - actress

1927 --- accidental strangulation when her scarf caught in

a car wheel.



John Glasscock - musician (Jethro Tull)

1979 --- heart infection caused by an abscessed tooth.



Frank Hayes - jockey

1923 --- heart attack during a race. His horse, Sweet Kiss,

won the race, making Hayes the only deceased jockey to win

a race.



Tommy Tucker - musician

1982 --- carbon tetrachloride poisoning sustained while he

was finishing floors in his home.



Tennessee Williams - writer

1983 --- choked to death on a nose spray bottle cap

that accidentally dropped into his mouth while he was using

the spray. He was 71.

Psychoanalyze yourself - But Dont cheat!
03:17 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,107






----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------

From: Jerry

Date: Feb 27, 2007 7:24 AM





Psychoanalyze yourself - But Dont cheat!





Fill in your answers, then scroll down for the meaning behind it.



____________________________________________________



1. You are not alone. You are walking in the woods.

Who are you walking with?

Scott



2. You are walking in the woods. You see an animal.

What kind of animal is it?

A deer



3. What interaction takes place between you and the animal?

She tells me I will survive



4.You walk deeper in the woods. You enter a clearing and before you is your dream house. how big is it?

2 story, full basement, lots of windows, LARGE front porch





5.Is your dream house surrounded by a fence?

No





6.You enter the house. You walk in to the dining room and see the dining room table. whats on it?

Lace table cloth, gold dishes, black glass wineglasses, blood red roses, rare prime rib with all the fixings, a few good bottles of red wine





7. You exit the house through the back door. Lying in the grass is

a cup. What material is the cup made of?

Crystal



8.What do you do with the cup?

Bring it in and put it on the table fill it with wine





9.You walk to the edge of the property where you find yourself standing at the edge of a body of water.

how big is it?

a football field sized lake





10. How will you cross the water?

The boat moored at the pier

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



What the answers mean -





1. The person who you are walking in the woods with is the most important person in your life.





2. The size of the animal is representative of your perception of the size of your problems in your life





3. The severity of the interaction you have with the animal is representative of how you deal with your problems.



4.The size of your dream home is representative of the size of your ambition to solve your problems.





5.No fence is indicative of an open personality. People are welcome at all times. The presence of a fence indicates a close personality. You'd prefer people not drop by unannounced.



6. If your answer did NOT include food, flowers (plants), or people, then you are generally unhappy.





7. the durabililty of the material with the cup is made of is representative of the perceived durability of your relationship with the person you named in #1.



8.Your disposition of the cup is representative of your attitude toward person in #1





9. The size of the body of water is representative of the size of your sexual desire.



10. How well you get in crossing the water is indicative of the relative importance of your sex life

Stupid, stupid man....
02:55 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,108

Do You Golf?





A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five

iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?



"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole; we both sliced

our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed

one of the cows had something white at its rear end. "



I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram

on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.



Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"



"I don't remember much after that."

Redneck survey
02:37 Mar 04 2007
Times Read: 1,109

1. Have you ever gone muddin'?



HELL yes....Red Georgia clay looked GOOD on a blue chevy...lol



2. Have you ever lived on a dirt/gravel road?



Gravel



3. Ever been swimming in a lake or river?



Both



4. Ever been to a bonfire party?



Yup



5. Have you ever driven a tractor?



With someone else doing the gas and brakes, yes



6. Have you ever been on a horse?



Coupla times



7. Ford or Chevy?



Ford



8. Kissed someone in a pick up?



Yes, indeed...





9. Whats your favorite country song?



The NIght the LIghts went out in Georgia

REba McEntyre (although I also love the original Vicki Lawrence version too)





10. Ever done 90 miles per hour down a dirt road?



JUST 90?



11. Worked / Lived on a farm?



No



12. Been to a rodeo?



Yes



13. Do you own cowboy boots?



Yes



14. Do you have a cowboy hat?



No



15. Have you ever said git r done?



Yes...lol



16. Country skyline or a city skyline?



Love 'em both- the mountains of Georgia, and the Atlanta skyline



17. Can you name a rodeo star?



No



18. Do you think tractors are sexy?



The tractor? NO...who's DRIVING it? maybeeee...



19. Ever rode a 4-wheeler?



No



20. Are you from the country?



I think so...least it was when I was growing up



21. If so, are you proud of it?



Damn skippy



22. Gone hunting?



Nope-that's what menfolk are fer...lol



23. Gone fishing?



Best memories of my childhood with my dad and grandad



24. Is your heart in dixie?



Heart, Soul, and Mind...but my ass is freezing in Canada now...lol



25. Been on a hay ride?



Yup



26. Have you ever line danced?



Yup



27. Camped under the stars?



Yup



28. Have you ever been cow tippin?



No



29. Do you drive a pick up truck?



I have before- prefer my Jeep these days



30. Fell asleep in a hay stack?



Yup



31. Own a pair of overalls?



Yup



32. Drank Beer?



You're kidding right...? I never met a beer I didn't like, but I only drink in days that end in a Y



33. Include the word "yonder" in your daily vocabulary?



Yup...lol



34. Ever shoveled manure?



Yup- I'm a bartender...lol





35. Milked a cow?



Yup



36. Plucked a chicken?



No



37. Is sweet tea your favorite drink?



With lemon, yes sir it is...





38. Been to a race?



Yup



39. Know all the words to at least one David Allen Coe song?



Yup



40.Have you ever made out in a back of a pick-up?



A time er two...lol

Scary...
21:04 Mar 02 2007
Times Read: 1,112

good LORD, I bet this itches...lol
20:59 Mar 02 2007
Times Read: 1,113

A little chlorine for the gene pool, please...
20:25 Mar 02 2007
Times Read: 1,115

Top 8 Morons Of 2006

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.



2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."



3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, where in the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts



4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.



5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "that's not what I said!".



6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart". "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"



7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooo)!



8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard....



Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

never mix politics and bartending
21:37 Mar 01 2007
Times Read: 1,128

A man walked into a bar in Lexington, Kentucky and ordered a drink. He was sitting at the bar watching T.V., when George W. came on the news.After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "George W. Bush is a horse's ass!" The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor. After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Bush country." "It's not!" replied the bartender.





"This is horse country".

Weather report.....
07:50 Mar 01 2007
Times Read: 1,144

Yes folks, once again for the fifth time since December, in the province of British Columbia, land of, as my in-laws and husband put it...

"Oh it NEVER snows here....just because we live in CANADA doesn't mean we have Eskimos, fur coats, and live in igloos...we live in a SUBTROPICAL ZONE after all..."



That's right....it is snowing outside...lol



And while I will grant you that it isn't howling, and it most likely won't stick, the fact of the matter is I am still getting the same thing from my loving husband...



"What the HELL did you do? It's almost freaking MARCH for crying out loud!!!"



*rubbing hands together and chuckling evilly*



I'll never tell...



heeheeheeheeheeheeheehee



*waving hands in the air*



Boogah, Boogah.....LMAO

A myspace commentary- courtesy of Ghostrider
02:38 Mar 01 2007
Times Read: 944

so britney shaved her head

come on who really gives a flying fuck



anna nicole smith is dead , now guys are coming out of the woodwork claiming to be her baby's father...that's just low



i don't care if tyra banks is fat or not



i don't care to know if i'm hot or not



i'm not going to push the fart button



tom is not going to close myspace or delete a bunch of people



if someone places an advertisement

on my comment board i'll delete them fom my friends



who actually belives you gan get a playstation 3 or a laptop for filling out some bullshit surveys



if someone's actually searching for me, i'm not hard to find



is a mac really that much better than a pc



if i wanted to see something freaky i wouldn't be here



exactly what the hell is a zwinky



who isn't in my network



is george bush a good president? isn't that a no brainer besides he's gone next yr



is some silly survey going to inform me if i'm a good flirt or not



popping zits for ringtones is just sick even if it's not a real person



and last...why are parents blaming myspace if their children are sluts umm shouldn't they be watching their kids more the internet is not a baby sitter people



Thanks Howie- it does put things into perspective doesn't it...

Religions
02:35 Mar 01 2007
Times Read: 945




There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.



Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .



~One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.

After much prayer and consideration they Determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..



~In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.



~The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.



~But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution.

They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter





~Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,

but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.