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but for some reason, I prefer to suffer alone. As a bartender and an empath (so they say) I am constantly bombarded by the feelings, rantings, and general malaise of the human race, such as it walks into my bar. I as a person cannot then turn around and unleash that which has so barbed my soul for so long. I am unhappy...I have come to realize several things along with that earth-shattering (lol) revelation, and they are as follows...

a) one person cannot be responsible for everything that goes wrong, no matter whether it is a marriage, a family, or a workplace. And to assume the entire responsibility for the collapse of anything is the height of arrogance. It is also a personal guarantee for heartbreak and insanity. No matter what I have done over the course of my life, I cannot be held totally responsible for the failure of my marriage. Nor can the world wide web, reality tv, or Jerry Springer. While I will be the first to admit that I am not the perfect wife, I am not solely to blame for this. It took two of us to get married, it took two of us to have that baby, and it took two of us to slowly choke the life out of our relationship. And while I will say that I made every attempt to get the help we both needed, I was told that I was the only one who had a problem. So, therefore, if I am the only one with a problem, I assume that removing myself will therefore solve the problem.

b) finding a man who is not only a friend but a lover, a man and a child, my strength and the one who needs my strength, has given me no end of joy, happiness and strength to deal with and handle the day to day travails that assault me, physically, mentally, emotionally and psychically. Unfortunately, having had that man in my life for over a year now, and having spent weeks with him as well, has only served to underscore and highlight exactly how bad my life is here, and that if for no other reason than my own sanity, I need to get out of here. Everyone here sees me as a failure of one kind or the other- a lousy stepdaughter, a lousy wife, a lousy mother, etc. Yet people I have met here and have known for but a brief time and some I have never actually met in person, think that I can make miracles, make them happy, and give them something to look forward to. These people I help...and they have in turn helped me. Why is it that people I have known for barely a year think I'm a good person, and people who claim to love me for years can't stand to be around me? Hence the problem-being happy with that young man who loves me as much as he does only serves to accentuate how little I am cared for here in my own home, which I might add is no longer a home, but something alien that is repugnant to me....and I thought I would be happy forever here...

c) I thought, as I so succinctly put it in my profile on Gothic Match, that I simply needed to experiment, to see what my body was actually here for. As a woman who was a virgin until I was married, and subsequently never slept with anybody BUT my husband, when things began to sour in our marriage, I incorrectly assumed it was somehow my fault, that maybe if I had a bit more experience, my husband (who had been sexually active since the age of 13) would love me again. Instead, it showed me how, as a gender, the male of this species can range from wonderfully enjoyable, to something savage that defies it's human origins. I got the experience I wanted, oh hell yes, and then some. But it also left me with a bitter taste in my soul, at how I came to gain that knowledge. That will work itself out in time, God willing, and with the help and love of the man I finally found...funnily enough, on Gothic Match.

d) I have the money I need, the inner hudspah, and the fortitude to do what I have to do. I have everything written down to the letter, as far as it needs to go. Will the man who stopped seeing me as a person years ago see what is right before him when it finally comes to that? Will things get nasty simply because he isn't in control anymore? Or will I be able to just get out of this with the few things I want-my freedom, and the ability to see my son as often as I can. I hope so for everybody's sake. But now to the practicalities of all this. I need a lawyer. And in a town full of capitalistic government legislatives, most of whom float through my bar at any given time, who do I ask for help? Where is my knight in shining legalese? Sometimes, I look at the things I have in this house....the bottles of liquor, the vials of pills, and I wonder....