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well, it looks like I am finally on my way to freedom. I sat down and had "the talk" with my husband the Sunday before valentine's day ( yeah, I know, my timing sux) and on MOnday I filed for divorce. I'm hoping to blow this pop stand (i.e. the state of Florida) by the first of April and be on to my new life-not to say it hasn't been hard, or will be hard in the future-anytime you take a 20 plus year relationship and call it quits, it;s going to be hard. But I finally realized that I had to stop doing what everybody else expected me to do, and start doing what it would take to make me happy. I cannot live in this kind of misery any more, much less take the blame for it. So that's it, I'm done, game over, call me casper cause I am ghost...lol

men when they walk into the bar...LOL....and for those of you are immediately putting on your swim fins to dive into the deep end of the gutter, cease and desist at once. You know when it comes to stuff like this, it's usually my EMpathetic abilities that are kicking in not my SYMpathetic touchy feelies....for shame, all of you...giggle.

Having said all that, it really is getting to the point where I am seriously afraid to come into contact with some of the people I meet in my bar. And you would think that after identifying what I "am" and knowing how it works for me most of the time, I would have learned by now. Unfortunately that doesn't seem to be the case. I suppose it is my innate need to care for people, that having this ability to see or feel other's pain, I automatically try to "fix" or help in whatever way I can. But I am so going to have to look before I leap, so to speak...

This guy walked into the bar the other night (sorry, no alligators) and I didn't think anything of it, he was a new customer, here, let's go see what he wants. He sat down at the farthest table (of course) whipped out his laptop, pda, cell phone, etc. got all plugged in, and off he went. So I walked over, put my hand on his shoulder, and asked him what I could get him to drink. So rule number one? get a good look at the person BEFORE you put a hand on them in ANY way...he turned around in the chair and looked up at me, and it was as if I had stuck my hand and head into a glass box of electrified worms....things were squirming inside his head, his eyes were so red that they were practically an entity unto themselves, and I felt such anger and misery just pouring off this guy...sometimes I wonder why it is I see these things if there is nothing that I feel as if I can do, and I never understand why these people seem to gravitate to me. However, by the end of the night, and he was there for several hours, working, having dinner sent in, and drinking in moderation, plus the frequent trips I made to the table to check on him, most of which I spent trying to engage his attention AWAY from his computer screen for some reason even I couldn't understand, he attempted to stop radiating the abject misery he seemed to have in abundance, and just relax. The squirming never did go away, and his eyes stayed as red as they had first appeared, but he seemed to relax just a little over the course of the night. By the time he left that night, he hadn't had that much to drink, but he tipped me very generously, and for a brief moment, I thought he was either going to hug me or kiss me, I wasn't sure which. Then the bubble that seemed to have encapsulated that flash of a moment burst, and he went his way and I went mine.

I'm not sure that I will ever really get a handle on what it is that I do per se, or that even if I do, I will ever really change the way I work as a bartender. It is my natural state to be concerned and try and comfort those who come into my bar, for the troubles and pains of these travellers are as varied and layered as the people themselves. I just sometimes wonder if I ever really help, or if I am the cosmic equivalent of a Jimmy Neutron band aid and a pat on the head....