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Sometimes family sucks.



For almost four months I have been caring for my deathly ill grandfather and doing all the shopping and such for my grandmother. It was just the three of us. When we got word from the doctor that my grandfather only had weeks left I set to work trying to get his wish to come true. He asked to see my uncle and other family. All he wanted was to spend a few hours with them as a last goodbye. The one he really wanted to see only lives a few hour drive away and I asked him to come more than once. He always had something else to do or say he would be here but never show up. Saturday my grandfather passed away. We sat there after all the phone calls for over six hours with him till the people came to get him for cremation. My phone kept lighting up on Facebook as to how my uncle and his wife were devastated and needed support and prayers for their loss. They all wanted to know when the funeral was and ect. I and my grandmother just got pissed. There is not going to be a funeral because he said his goodbyes and those who cared about him was there before and after his death. So now my family is torn about their inability to say goodbye at a funeral. I am still angry at how they all acted. And I still think they just was there for the will not him.

I am still sick. But on the bright side I have tons of tea. :)

An interesting day today. Woke up early to make my appt feeling my anxiety rise. I could hold it off for the most part. I don't know why today set me off because it is not like this was my first treatment. I've already had 12 treatments and survived them yet today I felt so uneasy. I got to the doctors on time as usual without any issues and sitting in the waiting room alone I look over and their was an old lady sitting just across from me. Her hair was pulled back in a bun and was wearing a sun dress which was very unlikely anyone would dress so light in the bitter cold outside. When I was called back into the room the lady followed us. After the nurse left this woman went over and just stood by the window watching me. I decided to take one of my anxiety pills and closed my eyes trying to remind myself that she was not real. The doctor walked in and startled me then set about getting the shots ready while I tried to ground myself. The first shot hurt so bad I wanted to jump off the table and she made my head bleed. As I tried to focuse on something else at about the fifth shot I was almost in tears. The old lady came over to me and grabbed my hand and held it tight calming me enough that I was able to get through the 30 or so more shots. When I was leaving the office I thanked the lady and the doctor gave me the oddest look but seemed to understand. After that I went home and the day started to get better but now I'm sick and really nauseated. Wishing the lady that helped me earlier would come by and comfort me now.

Good lord. How many times must I say no. Though I do enjoy the thought that I am such a thorn in the side that my very existence has destroyed any and all positive thought in your little brain but alas I can not take any credit for that. Such was a time that my voice made you quake because I kept you honest yet the idea of me not bowing down and kissing your ass as your blinded followers do that makes me thy enemy. Honestly I am just as happy listening to the drival that spills out your mouth then I am with a paper cut to the eye.

Maybe I am wrong in thinking I would just be left alone. I am so tired of being harassed by idiots that think they are so much better than the rest of the world. I am frustrated that I am being stalked even when I have left everything behind years ago. I would hope that I am allowed some peace in my life away from the drama of them.

Nothing can really explaine the problems that persist in this strange life. This war that Calls out for us to take a side, becoming what we do not want to be. The lines blurr and good seems to be just as corrupt as the bad. "Our duty" shouts out numbing the sences in its overwhelming volume. Nothing is real anymore, nothing is true in the minds clear heart.