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I don't want to feel, I can't bare to feel, what am I looking for? And if it comes to me will I take it, will I know it? Or will I look the other way, denying what is right in front of me, oh god I know it to be love, my body trembles to even let the word pass my lips. I don't like illusions I can't see. And if I take your hand, let you lead me where you will, will it be divine, would you be mine? I am so afraid..

Something that I have learned of late is to always trust my own instinct. My instinct has never let me down, unlike the people that come and go through my life it has sustained me through some near tragic consequences. People in general really should think things through all the way to their end, in that way one does not say something they don't truly mean and less people get damaged along the way. Thus the reason that I have been holding myself back from possible relationships, I myself will know when the time is right, when instinct doesn't say wait, when I can set free everything that is left of me. I only trust myself and will always remain true to myself.

love or lust? whats it gonna be....so many lust and so few love. lust comes so easily, but my love is much harder to give into. I could be falling but the one I covet sees only the outside of me. There is no doubt concerning his need for me but what I'm surely headed for could be beyond his capability. Maybe I should just stop now, or am I too far gone for that....

I'm standing in front of my revolving closet, the one that holds all my masks. I'm pondering which one shall I wear today? It had better be one of my best because I feel am immense mountain of pain coming down upon me. Can't show it because I can't bare it. Inside I am just a hollow girl, an image of who you want me to be. Your expectations are quite predictable, I however am not. Burning on the inside, dying the same death time and again. Can you save me............

My mother died today, and thats all I have to say

I long to feel your lips beneath mine, to feel the stirring of your heart as I press near to you. I yearn for you, painfully aware of your every move, needing to touch your velvet skin. Enraptured by the pure notion of your limbs entwined in mine. To breathe in your very essence.

I'm breaking a boys heart and it's one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. He is very sweet and I hate hurting him like this but I must. He knows why, and it's never going to change, I am never going to change, not my mind or anything else. He truly loves me and somehow thats the worst part. He just needs to move on and forget about me, I just hate to be unkind. I don't like to hurt other people.

Very strange day indeed. I have given new meaning to the word moody, lol. I feel as if I have been on an emotional roller coaster today. Chris, you are as sweet as ever trying to cheer me up, what a gem you are, lucky me to have you as a friend. I guess I showed a mean streak today, people just piss me of sometimes........

Why do I have to have a heart, why do I need to love, be loved, be needed. Why must I wear my heart on my sleeve, why do I care, why am I bathed in misery? I would rather be cold than hurt, empty than yearning. My life has been unraveling and I can't seem to keep pace. I am so alone. No one seems to understand me or to even begin to know the person that I am. At most they see me as a toy, a slight flirtation, a sexual deviant. But there is nothing slight about me, my river runs deep, too deep it seems. My love has no home, no name. I am a terrible romantic, a lover of love, I am too soft. Vulnerable beyond belief. Yet deception is all that comes to my door and I can't bare it anymore. I want to be someone else.

I am having a shit night, just finished having myself a little cry fest and right now I am moving into the angry phase. My oldest son, who should know better, is totally drunk as a skunk and sending me nasty little messages on my myspace account. Why you ask, or maybe you don't but I'm gonna tell you anyways, I'm venting here....he has a certain hatred for women in general and has a particular image in his warped little mind on how his mother should look and behave. Mind you I pride myself on being an excellent mother and have raised (or just about) four other children. He seems to think my pic of myself is evil and "un-churchly" as he puts it, obviously he hasn't visited this site, *snicker*. I cannot be and never will be the old matronly crony that he expects me to be, it's simply not in my nature, nor is it in my genes. But obviously it hurts me that he would say such a hateful thing to me, I love him unconditionaly, he's my son after all. And then theres the part of me thats angry and deleted him from my friends list and my account, I don't care to hear any more of his drunken ravings. So I will at least end this without crying, sob, sob.

66 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME:



1. DO YOU SNORE? nope





2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER? i can be both, which do you like?





3. WHAT ARE YOUR WORST FEARS? will i ever find true love





4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC? still love legos





5. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS? yuck





6. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY? well of course





7. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU? only been single 2 weeks, not sure yet





8. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD? black





9. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? oh yeah





10. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? no but im game





11. ANY SECRET TALENT? ha ha, wouldn't you like to know...





12. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT? haven't found it yet





13. IS JAY LENO FUNNY? can't stand the guy





14. CAN YOU SWIM? yep



15. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"? nope





16. DO YOU CARE ABOUT THE OZONE? enough







17. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP? i'm too greedy, i wouldn't know



18. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS? no





19. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE? lots



20. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD? got a younger brother





21. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS? who really gives a ----!





22. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING? whatever......





23. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE? i don't really wanna go there





24. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? not since my stroke





25. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO? nada



26. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU "? to my son, today....everyday





27. IS ELVIS STILL ALIVE? once again, who cares....





28. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? i hate eggs





29. ARE BLONDES DUMB? screw you





30. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? sock heaven





31. WHAT TIME IS IT? 9:48 pm





32. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME(s)? a few





33. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING? no





34. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR? 15 mins. ago





35. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS? Showers





36. IS SANTA CLAUSE REAL? Oh Please





37. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED? and bit





38. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK? No



39. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO? pepsi





40. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER? as long as its jiff



41. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? no





42. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE? yes





43. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY? once





44. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE? idk, i guess





45. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER? not at all





46. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? blue





47. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE? not in particular



48. WHOSE LIFE IS BETTER, CHUCK NORRIS OR VIN DIESEL? Vin Diesel





49. ARE YOU PSYCHIC? nope





50. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS? no





51. HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY? no





52. DO YOU LOVE SOMEBODY? family and friends





53. DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE YOU KNOW YOU SHOULDNT? hmmm...maybe





54. DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH? no, lol





55. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? yes





56. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND? no his dick is





57. YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? hellz yeah





58. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? nope





59. DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? i think im past most





60. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? it actually rained today





61. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? bite size





62. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? usually





63.WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT? been a while





64. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIALS? douche





65. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? i have





66. FAVORITE BAND AT THE MOMENT? android lust



Mood:lonley

Music:natasha bedingfield

Right now I'm just kinda waiting for my life to slow down and to turn itself right side up. My divorce is almost final and as I look back I have to wonder; when did love just die and turn to friends? I'm ok with it all, in fact, I feel as if a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Where does my life go from here? Will I ever find true love? I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and am too frank at times, it will probably be my downfall.....I am sad, I am lonely, I am too vulnerable right now. I'm just asking to get hurt