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i have been sleeping most of the day, looking in to deeper parts of my mind trying to find why i keep letting men pull me in to bullshit relationships when they don't want me.

I will be doing fine all by myself and they think i need them, guess i have that type of energy.

Yet when i need them to be around to talk- they vanish.

The only men i can trust are my friends as for the rest of the male populas, i want to publicy casterate . If they are married their wives have done that.

Yet i have woken up groggy for the last time and feel like i have been hit with several bricks.

I hope i am okay, because the last time i felt like this - I was in a fucked up relationship and i woke up and stared at him. Knowing that it was finally over the fire between us was gone.

So , i guess my attraction to my baby daddy- my former fuck buddy is gone.

I just hope i can salvage my life for my child's sake and i fallow my own dreams to what i have wanted to be all my life.

much clown love

On this day i would like to thank my uncle for being there and acting as my father. When my own was off dealing with is own life.

* Sighs* And to day of all days, i realized that my clid will have to go through the same thing of looking up to her uncle as a somewhat stable fahter figure in her life. Because her father is a a dickhead.

* shakes head* Lets pray from my daughter's sake that my idiot brother has gained some sense before she gets here.

lol

Finding out i was pregnate at first felt like, i had found the one person that would be at my side. And this was his gift to me. Only it was an accident on his part and mine, as he only wants a few things out of life.

To get laid as many times, a good car that runs, a job and maybe a little girl.

I found out tonight.... well confirmed where i fit in that plan and that's just as a baby momma. I swore on my blood infornt of luna and all that follow her that i would never be a baby momma.

My heart fell when i got told i was cheating when i said i wanted to move to Maine when the baby was born.

COMMENTS

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Leinth
06:38 Jun 21 2009

What a fu**ing asshole....

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Yesterday my heart had an old and very painful wound opened. The wound where i lost the person that lied and said it was my other half, then spat in the face of my loyalty.

* growls in hatred*

I found out that he had been calling looking for me and no one told me. Because the thought it would be better to not tell me, becuase the pain would hurt me or worse make me lose my baby if i hear his bitter sweet voice.

* starts to shake*

I got in to a fight to find out why they would hide this from me. And i think he came up here looking for me. And i never knew this, because they hated him. Now i sit here chocking back my hatred for them that tried to keep this from me.

And the need to split his head open for using my loyalty and my heart.

* lets a blood tear hit the gound*

I called the number back to see where and who would allow him to call me. To think that sorry bastard remembered my number after he cowardly broke up with me in a letter

* growls and digs my fingers in to my palms until they bleed*

I can't believe that when i called it back my heart dropped at the need to hear his voice. As to what to say to him, like i still loved him.

I shared my life, my blood and my magic with h im and he called me clingy and turned his back on me.

And i want to know why his trying to reach me and for what. I gave him everything back, but i kept what i bought for him with my money.

* sighs and sits in mourning*

I have my baby which belongs to someone that i can 't tell i care for becuase i am scared the same thing well happen.

And i still have to get off the ground doing what i love best. So that i can teach my baby girl all the finer points of being a fallower of Luna.

And to respect nature.

* Lies back and cries*

Luna help me to tell D how i feel, And make Lance go away.

Last night i reached a low that i have never touch since i was working on a plan to get the hell out of indiana. I just need to hear a voice tell me that i was fine that i wasn't stuck and i couldn't reach any one on the phone.

I know if i tried to tell myself that i would know i wsa lying. So i went to see the moon and see what she would tell me in my heart.

She said my father need to talk to me. lol not my birth father lol slight religious thing.

I said a few words to him this morning and i though i would fell better.

Nope i feel like i am letting myself down and i want to cut my throat and end it now. THat is how much i hate th is place and to think that my child will be born in this hell. A place that stains you and if you keep coming back here will slowly break you.

* sighs* I feel like this damn place one and i want to curse all that said i would be here in this hell.

I want to start with the dumb ass males in my family. Making sure no female will bear the seed or offspring with that same DNA.

Then the so called prety but are really ugly women of this whole damn state them start killing all black males in the state.

I would propably get locked away for this but that is how i feel

* pulls hair*

I want my little girl to be happy when she's born and i am worried.

And hell help this world if it's a boy. Because sure asl hell don't want.

i found out that i am pregnate and told the person that i had been sleeping with and told him. This person has been my fuck buddy.

Here i was planning for the worse and thought that he would be like my father only coming around every other blue moon to see his kids growing up and knowing nothing about them.

Yet when i told him about the second appointment that i had i was shocked to hear that he was going to really be in t his bab's life as well as mine.

I was amazed and almost at a lost for words to hear that i found a man that would hold up to his responsibilities.

Ans i am very proud to say that his a juggalo. and a guy that wants to be there for every stepp along the baby's life along with me.

* smiles*

You have no idea how much that makes me want to cry. For the first time i have found someone that backs up what he says and does.

It's amazing even more to know that this person was here in the hell of my birth place.

And soon to be the birth place of my own offspring. I hope that i too can stand up at the plate and get my ass and my baby out of this state with money and a sold base to stand on.