The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

((Please keep in mind I was Drunk doing most all of this.))



Some times I miss living on the eastside of Indy. So I just fill my humidifyer with Urine.



If I ever stop laughing at a baboons big red ass I want to be shot. Bescuase I will no longer be fit for this earth.



People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to piss a lot.



When I want to drink whiskey, I drink whiskey; and when I want to drink water, I drink water



My childhood may have been more demented than most, because I learned to read very early and was allowed to read whatever I wanted.



I'm going to take a tally and see how big of a sinner I am.



Girlfriends are the most expensive kind of hooker.



I wonder what the terminal velocity of a shovel is....



If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Do they have to send in a negotiator?



Before I became a drug addict, I had so many problems. Now I just have one - Drugs! It's given my life real focus.



In all Art, Technique is nothing more than failed style.



Change is good. Especially when it's a change back to the way I liked it in the first place



Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried to slam a revolving door



I love to be insane. But those damn days of sanity are horrible.



Maybe they should have bags of flavored fingernails for those who like to eat them.



Coffee and woman are alot alike..thery're both best ground up and stuck in the freezer.



The water that comes out of those sprayers in the supermarket above the veggies doesn't taste very good at all.



if whiplash was a type of money, people would enjoy car accidents a bit more.



Explosive diarea isn't as funny when it happens to you.



All those commercials on TV say "For only the price of one cup of coffee per day, you can sponsor a child." I say Fuck that! I want my damn coffee!



If you want to use a hammer to put in a screw, it'll work, but not that well.



I'd like some giraffes. Just so I could say... "hey! let's go hang at my place! I've got Giraffes!"



If you Drink Alot you don't have a Drinking Problem and your Not an Alcoholic..Your a Drunk. Alocoholics and people with Drinking Problems go to meetings.



An exocannibal is a cannibal that eats only enemies and an indocannibal eats only friends.



I Don't do Drugs Anymore. But I don't do drugs any less



Five failed Jell-O flavors: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

Me personaly, I think those would all kick ass... except the celery. hope someone got fired over that.



We use mistletoe as an excuse to kiss people for the holidays. Haven't people ever heard of chloroform?



Fuck The Television. The News Makes us all morons. Politics are killing me.



It's never been a question of "IF" I'm going to Hell. It's just how fast.



Ever cough up skin? Where the hell did that come from?



I Love Halloween because that's when everyone gets to catch up with me for one day.



I don't get mad. I get murderous.



Punk is American. It was born here. Not England..I'm sick of people that think it started in England with the Sex pistols or The Clash..Do some damn research..Go fucking Listen to MC5, Iggy Pop, The New York Dolls. THE RAMONES!!!!!!!!! Fuck The Velvets were singing about Heroin while the Beatles still sang Hard Days Night.



I Love Kids..They stay crunchy in milk.



I Think I should go and lay down my weary head.

People are always trying to convince me that drinking is evil. I'm not entirely sure why people feel the need to bring this up with me in particular, but they do. It's gotten to be a bit of a bore to be quite honest, so I thought I would take this chance to reply to all the arguments I've heard decrying the sins of alcohol at once and from here on out anyone who wishes to discuss the subject further may simply refer to this thorough, fair and balanced, and hopefully

not legally binding document.



"I see Fugly people."

The first thing people like to bring up is the sleeping with ugly people issue. However if you apply simple logic this whole argument immediately crumbles. First, it's only a problem later when you wake up sober and hung over next to some hideous monster. When you're still drunk you're having a blast. So the simplest answer is to, everyone together.."Stay Drunk!"



Alternatively, if for some insane reason you have to sober up, leave safely before your blood alcohol level drops into the danger zone. You might be vaguely nervous the next day wondering if this person was as cute as you remember. This will fade. Additionally you will almost certainly be hammered again the next time you see him/her and won't notice.

Finally, and sorry to have to bring it up, but have you looked in the mirror lately? Try it sober sometime and ask yourself which one of the two, three, or four of you in that bed is actually the one slumming.



"It's too expensive."

Next they talk about the expense. Selfish bastards! Don't they know… don't they understand that there are starving children who have families that depend on the money those kids make in whiskey factories all over the world? Particularly Ireland. If you stop drinking now… well I just hope you can live with the guilt of knowing somewhere an eight-year-old girl is crying herself to sleep because she lost her 70-hour a week job working around dangerous fumes and chemicals.







"It makes me feel sick."

Often people talk about getting sick from too much drink. First off, if you puke it just means you haven't been practicing hard enough. Secondly, and trust me on this one, if you're going to puke you would much rather be drunk when it happens. It's less traumatic that way.



"I might pass out."

Sometimes I hear people bitching about blackouts. But if you think it through you realize that a) if you black out you probably don't want to know what happened - never good. b) it's natures way of making sure you look honestly surprised when cops come and ask you about drugs and the Blood on the hood of your car and the baby carriage on your neighbor's lawn.







"I might get shanghaied!"

Yeah. Shanghai-ing related crimes are really on the rise in Indianapolis. I mean really. If you get drunk at a pirate bar down at the docks, yes, this is a legitimate concern. But look at the bright side: You get to travel, work on your tan and drink grog all day. How bad can it be?



That should just about cover all the arguments. If you come up with any more, well keep Them em to your fucking self you mouthy little shit, because I drink and I don't give a shit. No one wants to hear what you have to say anyway. Are you a professional drunk? I didn't think so. Uh huh.



This has been NaTaS, doing more before last call the night before than those other guys who do more before 6 a.m. than most people do all day.