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I hate anxiety. I had to turn in an unfinished, crap paper, and I feel like I have a rock in my stomach because of it. I hope it won't hurt my grade so badly I'll fail, but I don't know. I started with plenty of time. I had two papers for two different classes. I was going back and forth between the two at the beginning of the week, (and I started some of the idea work the previous weekend), until I realized I had an extra day on this one because I was thinking it was due Thursday, but it was actually due Friday. So I finished the other one. Okay. Great. Then I studied for the midterm. Then I did some work on the paper after my last class Thursday, but because I have a night class and I'd been going all day, I was too tired to do much. Still, I thought I had a good idea where I was going with it, I'd already started it, and I had some of the quotes I was going to use picked out and everything. And I knew I'd have 14 hours to get it done.

Well, everything went to shit.

I kept having problems getting a handle on what I was trying to say. My brain was not cooperating. After starting over several times and trying to get something I thought was decent, I began to panic. Great, now I was shaking, and I also realized I hadn't eaten anything except some Goldfish crackers. So I got something to eat and went back to it. That was a mistake. I realize (yayy hindsight!) that I should've gone for a walk to get AWAY from the thing for 15, 30, maybe 60 minutes. But no, I thought I had to keep going because I had limited time.

I ended up messaging a friend from one of my classes (not the same class) and talking to him helped me start to think more clearly. I finally felt like I was on a good track, but I ran out of time. Then, I went to submit because I saw the clock said "11:58" and it was due by 11:59, and half my text was PINK. (I was using a different color because I had too many versions going, so I did that on the text I was going to keep. It should not have been a problem. I've done it before.) So, I fixed it. Submitted it. It was 12:00. Which means a whole letter grade lower. On an unfinished paper.

I don't know what, other than getting away for a walk, like I mentioned, I could have done differently. The only other thing would have been to contact a friend earlier, but I was avoiding talking to people because I had to get this done. Maybe I could also have skipped my last class to get a start on it, but I hate missing class if I don't have to. I think that would have helped, though, because then I would not have been too tired to make good progress on it before I went to bed. THEN, my brain would have kept working on it as I was sleeping, and the next day would have been much more productive. I am going to talk to the instructor about some kind of extra credit opportunity. She has some, but they all involve going to a talk or movie, at times I can't get to it because it's either at night at a time when I can't get the bus, or during another of my classes. I don't know if I'll get any, but all I can do is ask.

I could not break myself out of this anxiety spiral. Usually I am able to, but not this time. I am frustrated with my brain. But maybe this is a learning experience. I need to have a plan in place in case it happens again, and I need to prioritize. I have a problem with that in particular. And, if I get less than an A (or worse), I guess I'll deal with it.