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I have been accepted into CSU for the fall semester. I just need to get through this semester and graduate in May. I am worried because of the amount of writing, and the online history course I am currently taking, but I think I will still be okay. I do not like online courses, but the in-class version was canceled due to low enrollment, so I had no choice. I am frustrated with a few things that are making life more difficult, but what's new?



It occurred to me that I will be starting at CSU 30 years (to the year, if not to the exact date) from the time I started at UNC. I chose a different major, I approached the entire thing differently, and the circumstances in my life are very different. Even my expectations are different. I think it's good that I'm doing this now, but it would be nice to have some of the energy I still had back them. I'm so tired. I have to take more naps. Haha!



The most important thing for me this time around is to simply finish. What I will do with the result is still a mystery to me. There are too many possibilities, which makes it paralyzing to consider. So I focus on the end of school, and just getting there. Of course, I would be happy to just go to school for the rest of my life, if I could get away with it. I did'nt realize how much I missed it.



How funny it is to think now about how afraid I was to start.

Tonight is my birthday. Spending it alone. At least I got to have dinner earlier with a friend, but she had to work tonight. Everyone else is unavailable. I think they all went to bed. And my family won't wish me a happy birthday because they think celebrating birthdays has something to do with Satan or something. My aunts and uncle are all Jehovah's Witnesses, and my cousin, who had grown up as one, then left, has gone back to it. My brother, who wasn't one growing up is now heavily influenced by my aunt and uncle since my mom died, so now he's sort of becoming one too.



It's nice to know your family doesn't acknowledge your existence as being important, and that it's more important to find ways to try to influence strangers to join your religion. And any offers of help go to people in your church before they go to people you actually are related to, and who have been through crap with you.



I thought my mom was a little bitter about the whole thing. Just let them have their religion. They still care, mom. But I'm beginning to think she was right. Unless you belong to their church, you don't count. Cold way to be toward family. I won't be held hostage by your beliefs.



I have Christian friends from different denominations. I have friends who are not Christian, including atheists. I don't think anyone should have to believe what I do (or don't) to be worthy of kindness.



Yeah, I guess I'm a little bitter, too. But it fits my family's pattern, so I'm not really surprised, just disappointed. I wish I could stop that. Being disappointed. It's my own fault, really, for hoping for something more.



Oh well.