A Long Slow Goodbye of a Best Friend06:55 Nov 08 2010
Times Read: 610
I've known you since we were children. The best of friends but the oddest combination. Polar opposites, yet exactly the same.
All those times together... Summers on the lake, bonfires in the garden maze, painting in the fairy garden, camping trips through Quetico, teaching me Chinese Checkers (and demolishing me everytime), tea time in the library, all the new and wonderous things we learned together... You made my childhood magical
I watched you deteriorate with her... The cancer not just killing her, but you as well.
I watched you lose interest in the things you loved. Lose interest in me. Her battle became your fight and I became the enemy.
I know now, we often attack the ones we love the most when hurting. And as much as it hurt and ripped me in two, I didn't blame you.
You were losing your mother. Not in a freak accident, quick and clean. Not in a timely manner when she's lived her life through. No, She was being pulled away slowly, seam by seam, by the vilest of diseases.
I stayed strong for you. Kept my place by your side. Even when you spat venom and hatred into my heart, I knew it wasn't for me. I was just there; a wall to pound your fists upon when you couldn't take it anymore.
May 17th 2005 - The day you both died.
She missed our graduation by a mere 6 days. She was so proud, I know it, but it just wasn't the same. No longer a happy day of our long awaited freedom. No longer a day to celebrate our achievements. Now a day of sad rememberence.
I watched you sink into the ground, desperate to get away. It physically hurt you now to be alive and breathing. And the worst part was, I was leaving.
I was moving forward, taking the next steps in life, and you were still sinking underground lost and alone.
I tried to reach out and show you I was still there for whatever you needed. But I was too far away and my cries were just distant echoes.
You found relief in the darkest of places. "Helpers" as you called them, to free you from the pain. You had found a new place in Hell, one where I could not go.
I begged you to stop, to find a better way, but my word was worth nothing. I was still the enemy. The distant foe, only there to nag and pester.
I stood my ground and dug in my feet. I was not giving up that easy. You could spit your bile and gnash your teeth, but even in your pain I knew it wasn't for me.
The dance continued as your moods swung wildly. Days of anger, hurt, and depression separated by days of weak smiles and sometimes laughter.
I lived through the hurt, tears, and anger, for those days of weak smiles and soft laughter were worth it. Just to see my best friend smile.
Finally those days of pain seemed over. You were happy and laughing. I thought we were in the clear. It was all done and through.
Little did I know it was all a lie. A mask to keep me at bay. Always still the enemy.
Slow to catch on, but when I did. No longer just a wall to pound your fists. No longer the silent support. No longer on standby. I fought back.
Your venom and bile, so long built up, now coursing through my veins. Your hatred, so strong and unforgiving, Now turned on you.
How dare you take me for granted! After all we had been through. You were not the only one who lost her that day. I was there too, remember? I saw her last breath. I felt her leave her broken and cancer riddled body. I watched her last goodbye.
How dare you make me the enemy! For it was I who was there to keep your head up. It was I who kept you from drowning. It's me! Your best friend. Don't you remember?
I left you that day. Determined not to look back. You'd cut me deep and left me bleeding. This time you ment it. This time was for me. How could I forgive you now?
Time passed and I healed slowly. Painful and crooked scars now mark our relationship. Battle wounds I will always carry.
I moved on and found kindred spirits. New friends I carry dear in my heart. For they kissed those scars and wished them away to create memories of our own.
The scars remain, though faded now, I still feel them burn. A best friend lost is a deep festering wound and I doubt I'll ever heal.
You called one day and I felt my heart fall through my feet. You'd hit rock bottom and remembered my name. I, the one who was always there. I, the one who always cared. I, the one who fought for you. No longer the enemy.
You told me your tragedy. Every little woe. From the men who abused to the drugs you used. Everything from that dark part of Hell.
You ended up in the hospital, alone and friendless. So who else should you call? The one you know had been there all along. The one who always cared.
But I was different now. I had grown into something more. I no longer trusted you or knew if you were being true. Yet, you were once my best friend and I still cared.
"...And something kept me standing by your hospital bed. I should have quit, but instead I took care of you..." (Kettering by the Antlers)
I stayed with you and watched your smile. You apologized for the bile and said you loved me. You were healing. The hole in your heart was shrinking.
Welcome back my friend I've missed you so!
Things were different at first but quickly felt like home. Back to the bonfires in the garden maze. Back to the tea time in the library. Back to being demolished in Chinese Checkers.
But this was shortlived. Too soon you left me again with the aid of your "helpers." Off again into that dark place in Hell, where I could not go.
Again I cried and pleaded with you to stop, but their hold was much to strong for either of us. No longer important. No longer needed. Again, I was the enemy.
Left broken and bleeding, I turned to my kindred and vowed I would never again let you hurt me. I loved you so much but your pain was so malicious, I could no longer keep caring.
We went our seperate ways and I worked hard to put you out of my mind. Told myself I couldn't help you and you didn't want me to. But secretly, I thought of you all the time.
Life moved on and I hoped you were happy and healthy. I hoped you had found your own kindred spirits to keep you going. Goodness knows you needed some.
Then, while I was healing and almost whole you called again. The hand from the past clamped firmly on my ankle holding me stationary.
You were back in the hospital. This time more serious. Your body was giving out. But that's what you get when abuse drugs and ignore your pain. But alas, you are a weakness.
Against my better judgement, I dared a short visit. A decision I will always regret.
No longer the smiling, healthy best friend I knew. You were thin, oh so disgustingly thin. If you'd turn sideways you'd disappear. Your eyes now hollow, lifeless and dull. Gone was that spark, the mischievious twinkle that I remember so fondly.
I cried when I saw you. Oh what have I done? How could I leave you all alone? Who cares if it hurt me or poisoned my veins! I was stronger than you, I should have taken it and stayed.
You remained in that ward for what seemed like ages. Healing your body from your abuse and damage.
I couldn't visit again, it was just too hard, but I sent you letters and kind words of encouragement. Things would be different this time. You would be whole.
Finally home and 100% sober you are healthy again. No longer disgustingly thin with eyes dull and hollow. You're smiling again with long strings of laughter.
But this is not you, my dearest old friend. Your body is healed but your mind has gone.
No longer quick witted, sarcastic or charming. I watch as you repeat the simple and basic. Unable to fend for yourself anymore. You are vulnerable to the wicked wiles around you.
Never left alone, for even a minute. Now just a child locked in a beautiful cage. Forever stuck at 17.
I miss you dear friend. All the joy and laughter. All the magical times we've shared are precious and treasured memories I will never forget.
I'll visit when I can dear friend, where we can paint and play. Reminisce about the good old times and just enjoy our day.
This for you, dear and oldest friend, is my long slow goodbye.
~ Original work by AJS
COMMENTS
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darksurfer1969
04:38 Feb 20 2011
A very sad poem,loved It.