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A few moths ago (May to be exact) I wrote about the weird (horrible) version of "My Best Friends Wedding" that I managed to get myself stuck in.



I needed to get out because no matter how this ended I would lose. That a proposal and marriage was imminent and that I wouldn't survive it...



I was right.



He proposed in October and she (of course) said yes.





I'm split. Right down the middle.



Part of me is ecstatic. Absolutely happy for them. They are so wonderful together. She makes him smile bigger than anyone I've seen him with. They have similar values and life goals and they just.... FIT together.



He's so happy and that makes (this part of) me so incredibly happy for him. He's my best friend and I want what's best for him and what makes him happy.





But the other part is.... Devastated. Utterly gutted. Heartbroken doesn't even seem to adequately describe it.



I spent the first week in a constant state of yo yo... Happy then sad, back to happy and right back to sad. Back and forth. Crying then laughing. In general I must have looked quite unbalanced... which I was (and rather still am).



He'd call every day like usual and he'd ask for advice about planning. Ask if he picked the right ring (which he did, all by himself, and did a great job). Just ramble on happier than I've seen him... meanwhile I was dying inside.







I had to make a choice.



A) Be there for/with him in the happiest times of his life... and suffer immensely during and worse afterwards.



or



B) Selfishly bow out with as much grace and dignity as I could muster... and live in my misery alone.







Neither choice was optimal.



Choice A) involved months (if not a year) of plastering a smile on my face. Going through the motions and trying to celebrate while all I really wanted to do was to run and hide.



and Choice B) involved giving him up... There was no way I could keep the relationship going when everything was changing.



Either way... I'd lose.





I know this sounds like trivial heartache. I'm just some "silly girl who can't get over an ex" or what have you... But this really isn't like that.



He and I never actually dated. We were only ever best friends. He loves me, yes, but he was never *in* love with me... Like I was(am) with him.



It wasn't even just that. He was more than just the guy I was in love with he was... my life line.



It's like ... if I was ship stuck on troubled seas.



On one side a giant maelstrom threatening to pull me out and down into the freezing depths. On the other, viciously steep and jagged cliffs just begging me to break to bits upon the rocks.



He is my anchor. My stability.



I have other friends who are like tethers. They hold me to the shore and keep me from drifting out to sea, but they aren't as strong. They only protect me from one side. I could still easily smash upon the cliffs.



How do you let someone like your anchor go?









But I had to. I chose B)



He needs to move forward with his life... and he can't really do that while still being my anchor.



It's not fair to him or his fiancee (ugh just typing that shoots pains through my chest). Nor is it fair for me to even consider asking it.







So now here I am. An emotional wreck. I lost not only the guy I was in love with, but my best friend, and the one person who ever really understood me.



I fully believe he is my soul mate.... How do you ever get over someone like that?



I don't think I ever will.

Ok I am officially 27.5 Lbs TOO FUCKING COLD!



You wouldn't think that 27.5 lbs would really make THAT much of a difference in body temperatures... but holy tit balls its fucking cold!



Last year at this time I was carrying around those extra 27.5 lbs and was chilly but comfortable enough with an extra blanket... but now... I can't get warm to save my life!



I'm 2 seconds away from just lighting myself on fire to get warm...











on the plus side...



27.5 Lbs gone baby! ;)

May 2014 bring you many happy days and and very few filled with sorrow. It's a whole new year so DON'T FUCK IT UP and remember Life's always better with a piss of vodka ;)