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Today you would have been 22 years young...



You should be here celebrating "another day down with one more to go" with me. We should be shitfaced in some bar. Me drunkenly singing along to whatever song was playing and you hustling some poor sucker at pool.... should be



3 years and my raw heart still hasn't caught up with reality so when my mind taps on its shoulder and says "Honey he's gone..." It still feels like a wrecking ball through the chest and my head spins out of control, drowning in a flood of memories. At this point it physically hurts to think about you... but so many things remind me of you.



Some days my heart manages to trick my mind into believing you're still here. That I'll pick up the mail one day and get a letter from you.



Or something particularly funny will happen and I'll pick up the phone immediately to tell you about it... only to get that now dreaded voice telling me that the line is no longer in use...



*Tap tap tap* "Honey he's gone..."



I hate that voice... I yelled at her once. Actually screamed at her for daring to remind me of my loss. That bitch.



Sometimes I can't get you off my mind and am crushed by the onslaught of memories. I find myself going through "our things" the letters between us, the niknaks you've given me, pictures of us... this inevitably leads to the "What if" game...



What if I had just stayed with 'yes'? Would things be as they are now? With you gone and me here alone?



Or would you still be alive? Would we have been happy? or at least as happy as I can be?



But we were babies... It wasn't the right time, we both knew that... deep down.



Still I think about the possible future we could have had if I had just stayed with 'yes'. The house we would own, the tons of animal babies we'd have (because you know damn well I don't like human babies), the jobs we'd have, the places we'd travel... The life we'd have.



That life is now just a daydream. Maybe it'll happen in another lifetime or exists in a parallel universe... but for now you are gone and I am still here.

Tomorrow I start class again...



This is my 8th time taking it (embarassing I know) and I have no idea if I'm going to make it... I can feel my brain start to liquify and slowly leak out of my ears already.



I don't know if I can stomach this again... but it's ONE class holding me back from my degree. ONE STUPID FUCKING CLASS!



So far my plan is this: Fight like hell to get through this class (with a C... all I need is the bare minimum here) and try not to die in the process.



Will it work? This remains to be seen... Wish me luck and if you find a puddle of brain like matter on the floor please sponge it up and put it in a jar for me... I'll need it back :)