The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Adult themes ahead. You've been warned.
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I both hate and love the times when I am jilling off and all I can manage to do is edge. It either takes forever to climax or it doesn't happen at all. It is a frustrating feeling that leaves me aching for more. This, in turn, makes it hard for me to concentrate on anything other than the hedonistic sensations that I crave. I can't sleep. I can't read. I can't write...

I just keep browsing the porn hoping for some caption to flip the switch in my brain that will flood my body with fireworks.

It's funny. I told Husband Secundus that I was interested in doing some sort of orgasm control sometime. Edging would be a big feature of it. He is... cautious with the idea. He is often more concerned about my mental and emotional health than I am. That is what is so great about him, actually. He can be sane when I am not. He is cautious when I throw it to the wind. He reigns me in when I am out of control with lust (and sometimes other things but mostly lust).

This entry is likely NSFW. You've been warned.
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There are times when it sucks having a ramped up libido. I become insatiable and if I am not careful I start thinking with my proverbial cock.

Last week's play sessions with Husband Secundus really left a mark.

Then again, I also get aroused any time my body is fixing some of the minor damage that occurs. That healing ache and other odd sensations that come from the body repairing itself really gets me ready to partake in more physical damage. I am lucky that Husband Secundus is sane about this shit when I am not.

It isn't that we don't explore varied avenues of mutual depravity that doesn't involve physically hurting me. In fact, if I wasn't into it so much he would be ambivalent about it. He cares about my pleasure and I care about his, so we are willing to experiment with different sensations and scenarios. We often talk about new avenues of pleasure and fantasies in general at length before figuring out how-to implement them in reality. There are some things that just didn't work in reality and a lot of things that were better than anything I could have imagined.

Most fantasies and drives towards more depraved and intense things comes from me. I have these specific scenarios that run through my mind. His fantasies are generalised and are of a more gentle nature than mine. I am grateful for how he doesn't judge me no matter what fucked up shit goes through my head.

Often when we play together, I go over various things that I've thought about over the previous week. I essentially set out all the options on the table. I ensure that there is a mutual understanding of my enthusiastic consent to whatever he wants to do with/to me within the (admittedly broad and varied) parameters.

There are times when all we do is talk and cuddle. Quite often he will get played with and worshipped and then I get ravished (sometimes we use the other "R" word in scene because it enhances the admittedly fucked up psychological payoff, but it is always CONSENSUAL non consent or connoncon.) and used. Lately we have been doing some role playing scenes involving age play as noted in another entry. We also do pet/dehumanization play.

I guess the initial point of this ramble is about how annoying an overcharged libido is. I get this near constant need to reach the crest of the next orgasm. At one point this quest for pleasure got out of control and I succumbed to my nympho tendencies. It took me a long time to get control over those urges.

Every time I get too annoyed at my overcharged libido I remind myself of the year and a half of having no libido whatsoever due to medication side effects and general illness. Reminding myself of that experience puts it into perspective.

Managed to make it to Krav Maga today but only made it through half the class. Hopefully next week will be better.

The following is NSFW and is likely to squick people. You've been warned.

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Husband Secundus and I have a 19 year age gap between us. We met when I was 22. It was hilarious when he first told his dad about me, his dad jokingly asked if he made sure I was over 21. He was struck into silence when he replied that I was 22.

Anyway... part of our play together has on and off been age play.

There are a lot of people who get squicked by age play and think that it will somehow lead to actual child abuse. While I can understand where that viewpoint comes from, I have to disagree. Trying to put one individuals set of morals on another without consent is fucked up. Fantasies do not equal reality. While there are scumbags (dated one) who can't discern the difference between right and wrong, that is very small percentage, as it is in every group of people. What two or more consenting *adults* do in their free time together is no ones business so long is it doesn't harm others.

For a long time we put age play on a shelf what with work and illness. When we first started I wasn't into calling him or anyone else not my dad, daddy. However we decided to use a quirk that ran rampant through the Vegas community at the time and that was to use uncle rather than daddy.

A lot of age players, or littles, tend to have a specific age or small range of ages they prefer. Not me. I am fine playing out scenarios (from relatively innocent and harmless to fucked up shit) while putting myself in the mindset of 5 on up. Fucked up? Yes. But we are two adults who consent to play sometimes fucked up scenarios.

A couple of weeks ago we did age play for the first time in forever. I pretended that I was (a nicer version of) 16. Yesterday we went younger and by fuck was that intense.

My brain is wandering now.

Today is supposed to be when I spend time with Husband Secundus. We didn't have time together last week and I find that I am slightly disgruntled about it. He is slipping into bad aspie habits such as being noncommunicative. He has cycles like the rest of us... but the neglect makes me sad.

I can only hope he will snap out of it soon. Preferably while I am here so I can have fun with him... He just seems so disinterested.

Our love for one another is not in question. At one point in time I would have thought he didn't want me. I know that isn't the case... But fuck all my own insecurities are bugging the fuck out of me today.

I have three husbands.

Prime, whom I live and love with. He is my partner of 13 years. We initially tried a D/s thing with me in the s spot but it just didn't work.

Secundus, is the husband I don't live with. He and started out with a top and bottom situation, but over the last 10 years it has grown into a D/s thing with me in the s spot. He is literally one of maybe three people who bring that out in me.

LDR is, as the acronym suggests, my long distance relationship husband. He lives across the world from me but worships everything I am. I am the D in this D/s relationship of 8 almost 9 years.

Up until Thanksgiving of last year, I had two more spousal units. They were a couple I dated for the majority of 3 years. But E wanted a magic wand to fix her mental and emotional issues rather than having to take the time to do the work to get better. I slipped from her sadist and girlfriend into a counselor role and I wasn't having it. G, her husband fell apart while she was in and out of the hospital. He so desperately wanted to be taken care of he stopped caring for himself. That was something I also couldn't handle.

I came out of the relationship with the couple knowing more of my own boundaries. It should have ended at least six months before it did. I needlessly dragged myself and my other three relationships through hell in the effort to be a good girlfriend to those two broken people.

I don't mind crazy so long as crazy does the work to keep it from being a detriment to themselves or others.

On Friday husband Prime and I went to see Black Panther. It is nice to go to a comic movie that he doesn't bitch about. Hell, the first major fight he and I ever had was over X3. We didn't disagree that is was bad. We disagreed about how bitchy he was being about it. For years I refused to see comic movies with him.

Missed seeing Husband Secundus this week. I will see him Wednesday, at least. I just hate it when he gets uncommunicative.

This is undoubtedly going to be an ongoing theme with me. Like it? Read it. Don't? Move along.

Over the past three days I have been conscious maybe 12 hours total. Part of that is medication induced because the muscles in my back were fucked to hell, so I took 4mg more than normal of my tizanidine (nerve based muscle relaxer) the past two days. All of this is because on Saturday, I went to a friend's place, sat up for 8 hours, and painted.

One piece I gave her... and the other three I accidentally left at her place. This sucks because 2 of those pieces are Valentines for two of my spousal units. I would go grab them except I cannot drive anymore.

Cataracts suck. If you can avoid them, do.

This three days of sleep bullshit has put me behind on my writing. I should be doing some of that right now, but I blew my energy load on taking care of my ferrets chateaux. They made their displeasure known that I did not do it a few hours earlier.

Poop. There was lots of poop in places that were not lined with puppy pee liners.

My business is eloquent.

At least my back isn't hurting too badly now. Maybe after the oncoming nap I can get some work done.

I have not painted in forever but tomorrow I am going to do some painting with my good friend/sister and my niece and her friend. I am trying to picture the succubus of a story me and one of my spouses is writing. While I may not write tomorrow, I do want to see if I can come up with something that can end up being a cover.

I may post some of the story here to get some feedback if anyone is interested. Though I have to doublecheck that the content won't violate the rules first.

Need to sleep but I keep stalking the VR site. I don't know if I am doing it out of genuine interest, and to meet new/old friends... or if it is all nostalgia.

Both probably.

This body of mine hates me. It hates everything I try to do for it. It repays kindness with weakness and pain. The only thing it and I see eye to eye on is pleasure.

There is almost always room for that.

But life cannot always be pleasure.

It looks as if I am going to have to skip Krav Maga tomorrow because the area at the base of my spine is inflamed. That inflammation is pinching my sciatic nerves again, making it agony to move at all.

There are some days when I wonder why I bother...

I have to take every day minute by minute, hour by hour... too often awash in agony.

Learn to love the good days and endure the bad.

A few hours ago I found myself dreaming of a long time ex of mine. I met him online and we were together for a good year or so. The time frame is fuzzy, but that's due to memory issues.

Now it was where I had met him online that brought me here.

When I was much too young to be looking at the things I was browsing, I ran across a site called Vampire Radio. They had an IRC channel. I figured out how to get there and I made friends. I listened to Vampire Radio obsessively, often hijacking the request queue to the annoyance of many.

I also made friends. I had people to talk to that were intelligent and articulate, unlike many in my age bracket at the time. One of the friends I made, I will call him K, I ended up striking up a relationship with. Distance and age made it hard. The gap, in hindsight, was significant, even though one of my spouses now is over double the age gap that K and I had. I admit I seduced him with erotic pictures that I painted with words. But we also had in depth discussions about music, religion, lifestyles, the occasional politics, and dreams.

But the distance and the oddness of my maturity level ultimately broke us apart. I say oddness of maturity level because one moment I was a rational adult and then the next my teenager started showing.

I ended up having a dream about K. That dream made me want to look up Vampire Radio. A link from there brought me here.

So that is the general story of how I found Vampire Rave.