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There are things in life that brings two things to us. The good and the bad stuff.

I can’t say I did not had a good life but I can’t say that I had it all good either. Like everyone else I had my misfortune and also I done good and wrong choices in life. I am not even perfect for fuck sake. Life is full of mysteries. That everyone knows it. Whatever life throws us we got to open our packages every day and every moment and see which choices we can make and where it leads us.

I did made bad choices in life because I was stupid and naive, and other choices because I really wanted to choose that path to see where it leads me. To see if I can make it through the storms, earthquakes and firestorms, flooding and dry earth. I am speaking metaphorical here but its okay for those who gets it. Let me explain.

I took the wrong turn in life so I can learn to be strong and wake up from the dreamy-everything-is- flowers-clouds-and-sunny-safe –world. I made lots of wrong decisions in life to learn and challenge myself. I rebelled, got fired, and took other different jobs that I had sworn my parents when I said I will never do. I took toxic substances to see what is so special in them but I found none. Well ok let’s say that with Mary Jane (weed) you would buzz and relax and it opens the appetite for food but if its taken for way too long it can make you paranoid to the point of insanity.

Cocaine and other stuff? You name it. I had done it all but nothing special. They sure help to have escapism and buzz and be able to forget what you wish to forget. It does work in certain way but it ruins the brain to forget important things too. For every fun there is a consequence or two to pay. I took the risk so far. I still have part of the brain damaged by dyslectic problem since I was a child but I also got screwed up by my own curiosity. I got no regrets though. I learnt through it. If I had played it safe and only heard it from other people, I still would not have learnt.

I took large amount of alcohol those days and still did in my twenties. I am twenty-nine now going through thirty soon and I am relenting on my own. I make my own decisions to how I feel. I can limit myself to 3 glasses of wine and I am done. I quit the game. I am not afraid to drink more no. But I do know that I want to go home safe and sound. I do not drive so drunk or not would never had been a problem in that criteria, But now I do want to remember what happened and what I did and said. And being drunk and not remembering seems so far far away and childish to me. Recklessness was never something I go against but I do want to put some limitations. Guess going all wild and free, causing chaos and damage and mistakes and paying the consequences which I welcomed back than and also cause I knew I deserved it. Do not get me wrong. I was one nasty arrogant son of a bitch type of person and also very devil may care and selfish and I still got that, but when I know I had it coming, I do welcome the punishment. I try to avoid it today. I am trying to be mature, but who am I kidding? Me? Nope.

I am still childish and still will be. All of us will be childish, but at least although I am not bragging, I admit it. I never said I am a nice person not even a good one. I am what I am and its okay if to you I am an asshole and selfish, sociopathic and below average. Maybe I am. I know how I look. I am not a pretty sight. To normal people I am very fat and obese and unattractive, annoying bug, To others I am average person and not noticeable. And others I am a weirdo.

Being a trans (man trapped in a fem body) and also still want men instead of girls makes me even wacky but fuck it. I am not perfect and I do not want to be perfect. If I can’t be liked its fine really. I know my choices. I made one last choice. To be single and to push anyone away, cause I got high standards and also I do not want to get hurt. The only thing I want to play safe is when it comes to my heart. I decided to get my heart out of my chest and bronze it and throw it in a place where it can never be found nor put to life and beating again. I can still work and do things passionately but I do not need my heart to put in the middle. Not romantically or emotionally for a friend or family. Family and friends and lovers can easily hurt you. I know. I done my huge share of damage to my family and friends and lovers but I also got hurt to. When I got hurt, I decided, time to put things aside and throw my heart out of me and never look for it. When I hurt them I could not feel sorry or anything. I sympathized with them psychologically for sure and tested their limits and played around to see where it goes. But no feelings, no guilt. The only guilt I felt is towards my father but not everything. I do not regret everything I had done to him. Some to teach him a lesson to show him that whatever method he used was hurtful and was not right. Sometimes you need to play dirty and be awful to teach them. Although he tried, to no avail. Back to square one. I said its too late with him. He is trying but to no results. Nothing progressive came out. So I let him go and decided to come to terms that he can never change even when he tried. At least he tried. I know parent who do not even bother to try at all, Because

1. Too much pride

2. Living in denial that there is nothing wrong with their ways.

3. Brainwashed since it goes in the family of negligence of good education and good love with little toughness but goes to drastic measures

4. Had been abused themselves or simply abandoned



Its how I see it. Now I could be wrong on many levels here and I might not.

Its up to you.



There are times where we make choices cause life threw us some cards to choose or clues that either we read them well or simply read them wrong and took different way.

Life is indeed a mystery.

I decided to call it The Labyrinth of Fates.





Ciaran J Black