MirrorOfTheSoul's Journal
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3 entries this month
I will not speak anymore of my pains and cries.
12:47 Dec 31 2012
Times Read: 470
I will not speak anymore of my pains and cries.
I will not rant anymore,
I will not talk anymore about my problems,
I will not complaint anymore,
I will not rely on anyone either.
I will keep all in the dark
I will keep everything inside me
Even if it drains me
Even if it breaks me to pieces
And shatter down,
No matter how much friends
I got I will not ever complaint again.
I will not cry anymore.
If I do it will be very silent tears
It will be very invisible to all.
I will become invisible
when I will be sad or
I will be just smiling broadly although
Inside I am shaking with anger or sadness
Or in shock.
I never was and I never want to be
like certain people who see friends or lovers as
benefits or in need only.
So even when I want to end my life with a gun
or jumping off the roof
or overdosed on something I will
Keep it to myself.
I don't wanna be a burden
I don't want to be seen as pitiful
I don't want to be seen ungrateful fucking spoiled brat
I don't want to be seen as pathetic or in need
I want to show them I can love people
without needing them,
without relying on them
So even if I am dying I will keep silent
cause only like that I will be appreciated
so I will just keep smiling or laughing
I am cracking and crashing
deep down but I will keep on smiling
like nothing ever happened.
I don't want to hear I am sorry, word
I don't want to see sorry faces on me
I don't want to be looked down at
I am here smiling Hey I am ok,
see? am smiling. No need to worry
I am in no need of love.
I want to be loved but
not in need to. I do not love you
cause I need you.
You are not my friend, cause you benefit me
you are not my friend cause I need you
you are my friend cause I want you
same for people I love.
I love you not cause I need you
I love you cause I simply love you
I do not need you
Mirror of the soul
16:16 Dec 29 2012
Times Read: 478
I feel Ugly, and insecure
many times I look at myself
I am disgusted
I am in a gender that does not
belong to me and yet I am stuck
I try to look positive
everyday is a day of
curiosity to me but when
it comes to the middle of it
or when I shower,
I look at my body and I feel
like a monster.
I got no sexiness in me
I got no beauty, and I see
men and women who are
better looking than me
Even my brother Jamex Black
Look better than me as a man
and as a Woman Naomi looks
sexier and hotter.
These issues are taking me
back when I started to have
acne, greasy and messy hair
my chest started to grow even
more and although I was slim
I never liked it. I broke every Mirror
that was in front of my face.
I can't stand any mirror
cause I can't stand my own
look. I changed it to many ways
but I can't seem to be satisfied.
I got chubby and started to gain
more weight. My breast enlarged
again and this happened within months
or times in a year. But to me its grotesque
it needs to be eliminated. If I could I would
Eliminate this whole self and start to sketch and
draw the ideal new self and maybe I become
Happy. But then why, why whenever and whatever
I change my self so many times I can never like myself?
Why I see only ugliness in me?
Now I see why I used to like Naomi alot.
Its not a crush I have on her, but I see in her
that "I wish I could be her" cause she looks perfect
When I look defective. I see Jamex great looking as a guy
apart that i am a bit taller than him LOL sorry brother., LOL
but he still is better than me.
This one of the issues I can't seem to win
and this is one of those fucking issues that makes me feel
Lonely and Isolated from other people.
from socializing from other people.
I might smile and laugh and look
I don't fucking care of the world
that goes against me, but in reality
I am about to crack any moment like a thin glass.
Someone help me.
Before I vanish into more depressive shit hole than
I am already in.
01:14 Dec 14 2012
Times Read: 488
My head hurts,
My heart is writhing in Pain,
I feel cold and something
have shattered inside me.
I want to die and reborn
total monster like
A heartless motherfucker
like that i will not be in pain.
I am alone, no one cares
whether I die or live
whether I exist or not.
Whoever i love in the end
will go away from me,
cause i am not meant to
be loved back but to suffer
instead and being eaten
alive and become rotten.
No wait!! I am already rotten
that is why no one want to love me
So is not better to die? no its not.
I want to live but i cant. cause this heart
so sensitive to the emotions is making me
weak and ridiculous. Its making me useless
I just want to die and re-born heartless
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