My Past, and My me Now. My way to survive.21:30 Aug 29 2015
Times Read: 341
In the middle of the wicked woods at night, I am walking nude. Do not know the reason or why. I have no idea, of what I am doing or why, but I do know that this is happening. I know what I am seeing and what I am touching, yet have no control of my body. I can't speak. When I try, it's like an invisible cold ice hand is gripping hard my tonsils and won't let me breath at all. I know that is warm somehow cause I am feeling my skin all slick and clammy.
Its not raining. Maybe everything is wet and clammy and sticky due to, huge amount of thick density of humidity, it is why it is so hot. Every night now, its been like this. Me waking up, getting naked, copulate with same member of my family, my mother. She comes in to my bedroom after she went to smoke, then she gets naked, sits on my bed and start to wake me up, cause she think I am asleep. But am not asleep. I just pretend to be. Because if I pretend to sleep, this will go away. This never happened. This with my mum, never happened at all.
She gets me naked bit by bit, then she puts some oil on my skin and starts rubbing it. Then she touches my chest, where I got two brown spots. One on each side. My mummy called them nipples. She kisses them, licks them and sucks hard on them. She told me if I keep quiet, maybe daddy will love me and see me as a strong person. If I keep quiet, she will treat me nice. But If I say something or make a noise, I will be punished and go to hell. I will suffer and daddy will hate me.
While kissing me, she starts to play on my skin. I think its like drawing with her fingers on my tummy, and belly button, them licks it and suck hard on it.
Mummy starts touching me where usually I make pee. She rubs it slowly till it got more silky slippery and I do not know why, she put something in that hurts so much.
I had not to cry but was really hard for me cause it was very painful, then I saw, she had put her pinky finger in me. Bit by bit I was feeling strange. Like the body went all hot and like I was feeling funnily happy and yet in pain and sick. When she finished, she licked her pinky and got out of the room, leaving me all dirty in my bed and could not move till the morning has come. She came in again and gave me an, early bath. Warned me that if I say something, the devil will come and eat me.
I was six years old by then. Somehow I do not understand. At night it felt like it was summer, but this morning its cold and winter. I was in pain and my legs were wobbly. I was thirsty, but could not dare to drink, cause if I do, I will throw up. I was not hungry. And yet the lunch was with my favorite ever. Tuna rolls.
I went home all quiet. I know what my teacher wanted me to do as homework, yet I have no strength to do it. I know what was written, but I could not understand it. I was feeling like dead and sick in the same time. I can't explain why. I was diagnosed with thyroid when I was just a baby of 3 months. My thyroid could not work at all. It was dead inside of me. When you have thyroid problems is Either Over active or underactive. Mine was none. Mine was not active at all. That makes my brain works 3 to 4 years backwards then my own age. Many called me retarded and mentally challenged, but that was not the case. I just take more time to learn than the others.
The night has come. I took a bath, that dad himself took care of making for me and with right temperature so I would not scald myself or freeze. When I finished, I said a prayer, then had dinner with my mummy and daddy and then off to bed. The television was off from me by eight thirty. Dad gave me revision of my readings every evening so I get better, sometimes even dictations. In mathematics he gets angry and frustrated of how come something so simple, why I am struggling to understand.
Once in bed, I fell asleep thinking that Peter Pan will take me away for the night and bring me in the morning. But that was not the case. The reality is my mum came back in to my room, when daddy was asleep, on the sofa chair, in front of a football match (soccer game) that he was willing to watch. and its only 4 steps from where he is sleeping to my bed. My mum is smart to close the door behind her and again, she undresses, till there is no clothes on her, then sits on my bed, wakes me up from that hopeful but impossible dream, and back to reality. She tells me that this time it will be less painful and its a promise and I will continue our secret game. She said this is making me feel better and making her feel better and happy. She undresses me, slowly and kisses me on my mouth. I thought kisses on the mouth was alright. Mum kissed me on my mouth since I was a baby and so is dad. But this time she told me to open my mouth when she kisses me. I did and I closed my eyes like she told me to. Her lips came to my mouth alright but something else came in to my mouth. It tasted funny, Tasted like cigarettes that mum smokes, and like a rough meat but wet meat. I felt not be able to breath so I was coughing. She went away from my face and smacked me in the head. It hurt, then I saw she was angry at me. She warned me not to make a noise and I did make a noise.
Then with force she pulled my hair, and told me to pull my tongue out and never let it in as a punishment. And I did. I was so afraid of her. She starts licking my tongue and sucking on it while with one hand still holding my hair hard, and the other undressing me from my pajamas. When she managed to undress the top and my under top, she stopped kissing me and told me that from now on I will not wear any under tops anymore before I sleep.
I only nodded.
Her eyes were big, hungry eyes. They were not blue. I could not see blue in them but big dark hungry eyes, and they were scary but I promised I would not tell anybody or daddy will never love me.
She told me to get out of bed and to take my pajamas bottoms and my panties. And I will not wear panties at night no more and on Tuesday I will not wear panties at school anymore either. I could not understand why.
She starts putting oil on me again and kissing me, and licking me. She told me to put my hands behind my head and not to remove them while I was laying on my bed again. Mum came on my bed and inside like me and started to put her pinky finger in me again and mum did not lie to me. It was not hurting anymore. I was feeling funny again. All hot like a fever and happy and sick again. I felt this is not right thing to do but mummy was happy and if I keep her happy than mum and dad will love me. She went down on me and start kissing me on my legs and told me to open my legs as much as I can. I did then I felt she was licking me and sucking like a lollipop and put her pinky on it. She told me to
bite on the towel she gave me and no noise. I did bite hard, cause feeling too hot was too much for me that I saw black.
In the morning I was feeling cold. I was very naked. Not even panties. Not even covers or blanket. She came and told dad that I will stay at home cause I got fever and I peed on my bed. Dad went to work. When she came up, she told me to turn around and face the window and bite the towel. She started to hit me in the back, with what I think was a belt. One of my daddy's leather belt. After she got satisfied, she told me to wash my self, and that I will go to hell and the devil will eat me. I started to cry. In silence. When she asked me why my face is puffy and my eyes are red, I told her a lie, that my shampoo got into my eyes while I was washing my hair. She told me to go to bed and with new set of pajamas. I had to learn how to do the bed by being beaten up by her. I learnt to lie when before I never did, to hide myself and not to make my daddy hate me and my mummy hate me, and not to make her angry and sad. I was so naive that time.
Then again the same routine. Homework, Bible, Reading, and dictation, Bath time and dinner and bed time. Any other dream as long as it takes me away for a while. Then again the reality. I do not know why I started to feel numb towards my mum. Like I followed every order and every instruction, the ability of lying became incredible, that I became pathological liar. And great at acting too.
You have to in order to survive the day. And another thing I adapted is I started to program myself in being less talker or too hyper and silly and act stupid to hide the real naked me. To hide my disgusting bruises. To hide how ugly I truly am.
Slowly slowly this became my childhood at home. Behind the closed doors. My mum kept coming in to my bedroom and made me do things to her. Like kissing her where she kissed me and when she finish with me, I throw up once I know she is downstairs in the kitchen cooking. I forgot how many times I wretched and dry heaved too. I hated to look at myself in the mirror. First she tells me I her beautiful puppy, then she tell me that I am so ugly that no one will want me ever,but she will stay with me and make love to me every night. It was a nightmare to me.... nightmare that was never ending.
And now I see why she told me, on every Tuesday I will not wear panties. There was a female teacher. I am sure she was nearly the same age as my mum. In the breaks, she takes me in a room somewhere near the roof. And she undresses me and touches me here and there and when I did not let her, she strikes me with her metal ruler on my back. No matter how much I prayed, I never saw any sign. The only thing I saw was pain and darkness and deep self hate.
These things with every Tuesday had stopped cause I had enough. I already had to deal with mum and school was tough as it is at lessons that I could not concentrate. When she locked the door of the classroom in the breaks, its where she done her mistake. Never rape a kid in the classroom, specially if its old building prison like walls that with every noise will echo let alone screaming. That day when she walked towards me, I undressed and gave her my panties like usual, and started to scream as much as my tonsils and lungs could allow me to give. The door was kicked off its hinges cause it fell on the floor breaking the little window glass in it. The headmaster saw me naked and she on me half naked too and one ruler in her hand ready to strike me with it and other hand is her panties on my mouth. They called my mum cause daddy was at home sick and sleeping. She acted as she was concerned and being a good mum, she said she will sew the school, if the teacher is not banned from her profession for good. When I came home, she did not touch me. That time I had enough of worrying if dad or mum will hate me. I was happy that she stopped touching me. I think she realized that she pushed me too far. That very year finished and a new year at school started. I was never popular at school, more likely I was invisible. I was a dork, stupid one though. In classes there is always one popular girl and boy and one invisible girl and boy. Invisible girls with invisible boys can hang out sometimes. Same for popular ones. Only this girl was never happy. After she got used of the new boy after like 2 months, she gets annoyed and want a new one. Always want attention and she always had it but she is too greedy to see it.
James was the new guy for sometime. He was like me though. puppy blue wolfish eyes and light brown hair but not great brains, in school. He suffers with dyslexia like me. To which lever I do not know. He was the center of attention and she wanted him to be her pawn. Until she realized of his IQ level and discarded him, but unfortunately for her, the teacher refused to change his seat. He needed to be in the front or second line so he could pay attention
One day this new boy came in to our class with the headmaster and his parents. He is more Aussie than Maltese. His blood is 50/50 but he was born in Sydney.
The Teacher told him to choose a seat. Fiona, threw James off his seat by pushing him down and urged Jamie, the newbie to sit near her, only that his father told him to choose wisely where to sit, since its a whole year seat.
That day, my life took the worst route ever, due to his decision.
He decided to look at my seat, but the desk beside me, was occupied by no books, but the seat was with my bag. I was doing fine being invisible, and fine that nobody mentioned that scandal of the previous year. Maybe they had forgotten, but not me. Somehow, slowly slowly the memories of the nights my mum did to me, were fading. How I do not know. Today I learnt that I was disassociated in order to survive and deleted those memories and making them it was someone else who did those and not my bedroom but my classroom. weird as it sounds, makes sense I think.
Jamie took my satchel and put it on the floor gently near me and then turned around and sat beside me and sat loudly that he decided and won't change his mind. I was blushing and in the same time went all pale. I am very sensitive person. I have the ability to feel other people emotions like hate, sadness, anger, fear and happiness. the strong emotions I guess.
I could feel hot poisonous hateful glares at me. And one satisfied. I could bet that the satisfied belonged to James, and hateful to Fiona. She should not have. I am a nobody. Just a kid, no one important, not good and far far behind her in everything. I lack everything, she has. Beauty, Brains, great at sport and popularity and well loved and appreciated. I was the opposite, indeed. Dull and common and boring too.
The bullying started, the very week after. One day she defended me, later much later on I discovered it was all an act. She became my friend or pretended to be, so she can keep me close to her. So she can see any weakness at all to put a wedge or two between me and Jamie. We both grew close bit by bit. His dad and mum met my parents and became friends so the bond grew stronger, but the more it got worst for me. first the pins, and stealing my copybooks and my stationary, dad, got me new ones, but decided to be smarter and keep only one pencil and a rubber and a sharpener,
and always hidden in my teacher's drawer. Then more pins, my p.e uniform was wet with boys piss and one of them even wiped his butt with my shorts after he shitted. she stole my lunch several times and stomped on it and forced me to eat it, other spitted on it etc.... , another story, was that while I was changing in the girls toilet, a bucket of wet soil on my head, another time a bucket of water smelly rotten one, and icy cold. other time my uniform torn to pieces, copy books torn, chewing gum on my chair, punctured in my neck with the compass pin and threw me bits of saliva with rubbers pieces, I was in pieces and drained. I just wanted to go home in my bedroom and hide.
There was never comfort from dad when I told him only a bit what those classmates were doing to me. " They beat you up, you retaliate, If you don't, they will keep going at it. Show them the beast inside of you. the more they are and the more they beat, you stand up again and beat them back at their own game"
I promised I tried, But I couldn't fight back, cause everyday at school was something new. But my friendship to Jamie was getting stronger. Of course he did not know I was transsexual, and He did not know I always felt I am an alien in my own skin, I knew I was weird. I knew that I felt more like daddy, than mummy inside. In other words a boy. No one knew. I kept it to myself and although I had diaries, I never wrote about how I felt in my skin and the bullying or what mum and that teacher did. I never wanted a reminder.
One day the bullying got the higher level. It became most despicable ever.
I was walking back home and I felt like a prey. The hair on my neck was prickling like it got frizzed scientifically with friction.
I'll be damned, I was right. it was them seven, boys. I started to fasten the pace, stalk like walking, then I started to run like my poor life depended on it. Like a maniac.
But i was never that fast, not even a bit. They caught up with me, I hit one of them and ran again, only to get hit by something real hard and great pain on my neck, I saw nothing but black for few minutes. When I opened my eyes, I was somewhere in the field. which and where I had no idea. I was pinned down by 3 of them and they were laughing at me, and the one in front of me was the alpha of the pack, slapped me 10 or more times. and slapped me hard. He brought out the farmer's knife out of his pockets from the slacks, caressed my legs with it and gave me few cuts here and there where with the skirt on its still well hidden. He had cut my inside thighs. My hands were so tied and pinned down, that got numb. With the knife he ripped off my shirt from me and my under top, and sport bra. That time I had a good size of chest. I was skinny but my chest was already forming for the age of eight that is.
they were talking to each other like I was def or asleep. They started groping here and there, then there was another two ripping fabrics again. My skirt was gone and so were my panties. I had gone cold and rigid, and the memories of my bedroom at nights, in the roof room on Tuesdays in break times at school, all came rushing back with vengeance. My body went into fits till he punched me over and over and I got still again. I was dizzy, and vision was foggy.
He started to bite hard on my nipples and groping and squeezing hard my chest enough to bring me back to see clear.
I could not breath, the moment he inserted something in me. later I saw him licking his three fingers. I heard many zipping, many smooth zipping sounds. Then I knew what was happening. He inserted his member in me and clumsily enough to hurt me excruciatingly. With practice makes perfect is right indeed. He got better, each of them got every piece of me. Forced oral, punched, forced anal and vaginal, by the seven of them. every 5 days of the week was running for my life, in different routes, beaten, raped, beaten and more raped. I learnt to get numb, and disassociate pretty quickly. There was a farmer who saw twice the same scene and twice the same way he interrupted. I was numb, bloody and all naked with spread legs and speechless. I could not talk. He covered me, removed the stones that were locking my feet and the barbed wires and wrapped his shirt around my body and lifted me up, took me to his home. His wife was in shock after she listened what he told her. that moment I could not anything at all. I was completely detached from my body, my mind was far far away and my heart was long lost.
Three years of rape for whole school semesters till I got secondary school. I did not know either to feel relieved or in a true death trap grip for five fucking years. Those boys later I discovered that were doing favors to Fiona to see me breaking point of no return. Of being unable to heal. My mother bent me sexually and manipulation till I rebelled, then she neglected me. My dad tried to be a dad, a good one but with harsh strictness and rules and driving me over the edge cause I was not good at school but I tried cause I loved learning. I never had problems with being keen.
Then I started to detach myself from everyone. My dad, my mother, his and her side of the families.
As I was saying, I felt fire and the beast that wanted to come out. Deep rage and hate. self hate and hate for every human being there was. I could not trust girls, cause Fiona betrayed me in the nastiest way possible only cause one single boy chose me over her.
I was frustrated cause I was going to be in girls school for five goddamn years. Deep torture and with severe PTSD and trapped with females when I am a boy. If I speak I am a boy, I will be screwed and hated cause dad wanted a girl not a boy. my mum always wanted a boy. she had told me, If I was born a boy, none of that would have happened to me.
I was sexually frustrated too in a very bad way. A girl 4 years senior liked me and took me under her wing and helped me a lot. she was my secret girlfriend. her parents can't know that she is a lesbian or they will cut her the needed funds for her studies to be mathematician. She was beautiful and I was broken. I never let her know though and I was fine in being hidden in the closet about us, and me being with girl. To me I was heterosexual. To others I was being homosexual. I was never loved at school again. Accept I made friends with two technicians. Bernard and Ian. Ian was the one I preferred and He taught me a lot of basic physics like pressure and gravity and plugs etc... and how to use the tools in the lab. It was helpful for me in life. It was a very platonic friendship and classmates or not hated it that I had gotten the balls to talk to him. I was abused and broken, humiliated, and more and now nothing could go wrong. If the girls could not handle what they knew and saw and heard, not my problem and hating me more its no news to me but sure I was popular. I was in the headmistress office every 3 months of the year, I got expelled from school that lasted for 1hr. Cause I manipulated the situation in being a rude asshole to her face. Saying exactly how I feel towards her, which is " Yes, thank you so so much that you freed me from seeing your ugly face and your most of the teachers that are dipshits and whack jobs poor excuse of called teachers, that I will be lazying all day, by going around and do what I want" She was so livid and most of the teachers who were in that office, they changed the verdict. No expulsion. Two weeks detention.
I was always blunt with teachers. Students came to me for Italian classwork and homework till I started to charge them 2 Lira per homework, I got rich from their pockets.
In cooking classes and Science and English and geography I was good. In my third year I got good in Maltese, and Mathematics. Italian was OK but hated the teacher and so the English,and physics. I had incompetents not professional and caring teachers. There were pack of mean girls in every class and every level. I had toughened up real bad. The reason I was supposed to be expelled cause I punched my classmate Lauren. A bit disfigured and I had a boyfriend already at the age of 14. Can you believe that? I thought I was lucky but it was not that lucky. He had given me a
steady ring on a December and had 1 small fraction of Diamond and pure gold but small carat. In life I learnt to accept and appreciate any gifts and I am still like that. Dad had taught me well, but you won't have that with my mum. she wants the best only.
With this ring that caught up in my school tracksuit sleeve, while she was assaulting me with heavy insults and I wanted to shut her mouth, and that moment, I'll be damned, I did shut her mouth, I accidentally threw her a strong uppercut with my left bu hitting hard her chin, her nose and her spectacles went flying. She got a massive nose bloody river for fuck sake. The girl can talk alright but can't handle hand to hand fights,
Another person tried to have her way on me by beating me up good in my class. Later I threw a desk top through the window aimed directly at her head. Fuck the consequences. She had it coming. Other 5 girls came on me but ended up doing nothing, So they threw a girl with a wheelchair that also suffered from down syndrome and down the stairs she was going till I managed to stop her wheelchair. Those bitchy hyenas threw her on me, and if I was not there, she would either die or be bedridden. I stopped the wheelchair and grabbed her from it and stepped aside. That wheelchair was heavy due to its mechanisms. I put her slowly and carefully in the steps and went after them. They were sent to the hospital one by one. If you want fuck with me, do it, I dare you, but leave others who can't defend themselves in peace. I had beaten up other 16 girls. My personality became more violent and more vindictive and very cruel but never stopped caring about studies.
When I became 16, I wanted to have a break from the studies mostly cause I did not know what I wanted and I did not want to study something and will regret that later on. In the same time I needed a job to pay the telephone bills. 440 Lira. Yup. I went to work. I hated it that work. I have nothing against Qawra Palace. It was my favorite playground in summer when I was a kid. Dad used to take me there a lot to swim and meet new kids all the time and never truly stopped going but working there sucked. I was not allowed to swim there anymore =( Most of the employees hated me as well. Nothing new. The Difference is that there I was well known, daddy's daughter, the Directors's favorite. And Stupid Maltese fuckers as they always been, they showed true resentment towards me instead fake friendship to get on my good sides to get benefits. One of the managers cared about me a lot. He is the truest manager there. And also there was a sue chef, Ronnie, and restaurant manager Charles now long retired but naughty yet full of jokes, but when he is serious, be serious too. The laundry people were nice to me. The guys. Claire was always sweet. In the coffee shop Brian and Horatio were nice to me and so the dishwashers.
In pizzeria, Lenard and Horatio (same person of the coffee shop) are nice and cool. Too bad the pizza there is expensive. Gaetano always been amazing. always kept my stomach full, with cheeses and delicacy.
Only few were nice to me but helped me within two years to get by. Another reason why the bar stuff hate my guts (except J.Bartolo) was that I managed to earn too much tips every day. I never shared, as they never shared their personal tips with me, so why share mine? Fuck that. Dog eat Dog. All to their own. I don't respect who hate my guts and disrespect me. I went all out of my way to make the customers earn a satisfied trips in Malta, had them have fun without spending too much money and yet get lots of stuff to keep and remember, and well satisfied service by continue with them and joke and play with them. (Non sexually) I know not to cross the line. I, once did, but that old hag, had it coming and I still never apologized to her.
Leaving the job so ruthlessly and recklessly and aiming for something nearly impossible, I tried to live in Ireland but one of the guys asked for money before I even hit Irish Soil and smelled fishy and I did not go and 3 days in Rome before supposedly to Ireland was awesome.
In December I went for two weeks and was amazing as well.
In April my family's peace got deteriorated. My mother became more erratic, unstable and claustrophobic and wanted my dad out of the house, which by law is what he did, and I got stuck with her. I decided to punish her for breaking the peace in the family and rip our little family apart just so she selfishly could stay free. I bent her, then broke her mind and spirit and sent her insane. She went to shopping one day and before that happened she told me, She will kill me with her own hands before I will leave the house. But I already secretly planned my escape. The thirty minutes after she went away the Taxi arrived, got my shit in it and went to the airport. My cellphone both of them switched off and ticket ready with passport and off to Rome. I had 3 jobs after a week that I got homeless. One is escort special service, gas station, Helping prostitutes, the unwilling ones escape their pimps with false passports that looked too real, fake ID and smuggling their children or small siblings back together so they can run off back to their country or new country and new credentials obviously fake but damn it worked. I had eliminated 5 pimps. Not mine though. I was fond of him. He as always nice with us and never beaten us. If the client tried to abuse us, that client is in the body bag and somewhere in the sea. If we get fired, we have to pay everything we earned. I never got fired. I was lucky to be left to my own devices in peace to go back to Malta and start to study. The job itself taught me the life of the underground, drugs, alcohol, rape but I knew that waaaaaay long time than I should have, how to use guns, knives, etc..
On how to read people, on how to seduce properly but keeping my dignity. I take it to sexual level only If I want to. Money was big fat fast cash and that is all I needed to live, I traveled and went to places I never dreamed of. Food and dresses and alcohol and parties, dinners, damn what a lifestyle.
I got diagnosed with Bipolar and D.I.D, APSD (Sociopathic).
I am who I am. I became who I am now. This is me. I learnt to accept it, its my first step to heal. But I will remain Sociopath cause its my way of coping in life. My survival.
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