Honor: 0 [ Give / Take ]
4 entries this month
A Letter For You
06:02 Jan 17 2006
Times Read: 509
My dearest creator,
At this point in my pathetic lack of a life, I realize that there are things that I've never told you. And because of this, you have been forced to actually believe your own misleading assumptions. It seems to me that you're wanting me to live a life that I physically cannot. I am forever forced to pretend to be something and someone that I am not and cannot ever be.
I consider myself to be a rational and understanding creature. But I cannot understand you. In the years that have passed me, I have learned many things. One of these things is that nothing has ever or will ever please you. You are completely irrational and always at some point contradict every word that you say. You tell me how you expect me to act, how you expect me to dress, how you expect me to look. But what you haven't told me is how you expect me to be able to live with you, my creator. You expect me to be a carbon copy of yourself. You expect me to make all of the same decisions and choices and mistakes that you have made. How can I find out who I am if you're expecting me to be someone that I am not? How can I live my life if I'm expected to live yours? And you wonder why there was a time in my existence when I would wake up every morning and be disappointed that I was still alive.
I had nothing to look forward to. Everyday was the same as the day before it. I dressed in clothes that I hated, but that you approved of. The face that I wore wasn't even my own. I wanted to remove it. The very sight of it sickened me. It still does. It was just another day of having to pretend to be something that I'm not. Someone that I hate. Pretending to be you. I thought that in death maybe I could finally be myself. Sometimes I still think that. I want to finally know what my own God given face looks like.
You call me by the names of "Evil", "Trouble", "Untrustworthy", "Freak", and "Child". Am I evil for wanting to have a life of my own? For wanting to be me and not you? Am I untrustworthy because I don't feel the need to give you every tiny detail of moments in my life when you finally leave me unattended? Am I a freak because we have differences and because I don't have the same interests and tastes as you? Am I a child for wanting to grow up? You're absolutely right. I do hate you. Unconditionally. You can thank yourself for this. The blame is all yours. You're the reason I want to cut the flesh away from my skull, in hopes of unmasking the true me. You're the reason I want to sever my veins, in hopes of draining out the bad blood. You're the reason I hate myself, because I don't know who I am. These are the things that I've never told you. Honestly, I shouldn't have to. By now it should be obvious. But now you know.
Yours Truly,
Fucked Up
P.S. It's really sad and quite pathetic that I've had to live with you my whole life and yet you seriously do not know me. You rely too much on your pathetic and useless assumptions.
Cruelty
00:10 Jan 02 2006
Times Read: 534
Dearest Beloved,
I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to your high standards and expectations by being everything that you had hoped that I would be. I'm sorry for filling your life with misery, doubt, darkness and confusion. I always seemed to kick you when you were down, and that's when I kicked you the hardest. I guess I wanted to satisfy my own curiosity and see how you would react. But nothing good ever came out of it. I only now have realized that all I have is myself to blame. You went though your entire "life" being completely dead inside, numb to the world, cold and emotionless. You wanted a friend, I gave you an enemy. You wanted to have someone to love and be loved in return. I filled what was once your heart with hatred and rage. Things should have been different, and they could have been. But you were my toy. I wasn't ready to put you down. I was having so much fun pulling your strings and making you dance. You considered me your friend. You always came to me when you needed a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. Though it's true that I was always there when you needed me, it's also true that I did you more harm that good. In a sense, I am your murderer. I slaughtered you, and I had fun doing it. I gave you the one thing that with out you would not have been able to do what needed to be done. I gave you courage. Did I not show you mercy by giving you this courage? Don't worry, you weren't my only toy. There are many others. You were just my favorite. You'll still go to heaven. It wasn't suicide. I put the bad thoughts into your head, I made you feel completely worthless like an insect with no purpose in life. I murdered you with your own hand. I gave you the courage to let go. I can't be all bad now can I?
Forever Yours,
Cruelty
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Heartless
00:09 Jan 02 2006
Times Read: 535
Dearest,
Last night I took a walk to clear my head. I couldn't stop thinking about you. I was drowning and my mind would not let me come up for air. Everything reminded me of you. I could smell you. At times I thought that I could almost feel you. I would have given anything to have had you next to me again. I couldn't help but remember how loved and happy you always made me feel. Nothing else ever seemed to matter then. I'd like to feel that way again. You were always there for me, to catch me when I'd fall and dry my tears and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I loved you more that anything. You seemed perfect. But you weren't perfect. You had lied to me and betrayed me. You completely destroyed my trust. You ripped my heart out and stomped on it repeatedly. You never really loved me. You never really cared. I couldn't let you get away with this. All you ever did was stick needles through my heart. "An eye for an eye" always seemed like a good plan to me. So that is what I did. I gave you a heart full of needles, your heart of course. Oh, how I enjoyed your screaming. You begged me not to. You pleaded with me to stop. But I was having too much fun watching you squirm like the parasite that you were. It pleased me to see you like this; helpless and pathetic. The pain was almost too much for you. I could see it in your eyes. "I'm a man. I can take anything that any woman wants to throw at me," you would always say. Well, you didn't seem to be taking this very well. Your helpless screams were like music to me. The more I heard, the more I wanted to hear. But the screams stopped and everything fell silent. Your clothes were red with the color of life. Your eyes were empty and soulless. You were at peace, and so was I. It's as they say, "payback can be a real bitch."
Forever Yours,
Heartless
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Funeral
00:08 Jan 02 2006
Times Read: 536
For my funeral,
I do not invite my friends, family and loved ones. But instead I invite my enemies, as death should not be mourned but celebrated.
Death,
The passage on to a better "life" and existence. The end of suffering caused by a mortal and temporary life.
The end of suffering. The end of pain. The beginning of a new "life". Death should be celebrated.
Death should be celebrated. Marriage should be mourned. The stupid humans have it wrong.
Wouldn't you be happy for your loved ones if you knew that they had gone to a better place? It is selfishness that causes you to be sad. Selfishness is a sin.
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