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sometimes thats just how i feel and i want to just walk back into the shadows, to find content with all that has happened....I think I lost part of me some where and its so sad that no matter where i look I just cant seem to find where it was I lost that part of me, that wild and care free letting my inner child come out to play, i seemed to have wandered off the past and got lost on that memory lane, sometimes we can get stuck there for a while... its always good to know that you have some one that can pull you back before your to far away to find your way back....
Somestimes I just want to close my eyes and just find that place some where in my mind that keeps me so closed off and blocked. Have you ever felt like you have lost some thing?
I don't know whats a matter with me, I have been so just not myself lately... just seem to be stuck in this mode and i really need to snap out of it. I think its just im a bit home sick and miss Alex.
Serious tho,I hope you get back to your ole self soon.
08:16 Mar 25 2010 Times Read: 1,005
I have done a lot of adding to the pages in my Mentorship, Council of The Witches. I have 18 open slots left right now, should any one be interested. I am still working on alot of the pages, but between being in a lot of pain and starting another round of Chemo, I don't feel too up to being up and a round. I sometimes wonder whether dealing with the pain is easier then being sick all the time afterwords. But I can only hope that this time this works and I can start feeling like my old self again, I have to say all of this is really depressing the hell out of me, have a lot on my mind, and feeling a bit homesick, but that will change, things just have to get better, I dont know how much more of this i can take with out losing my damn mind. It kind of scares me that I have so much tolerance for somethings, while others it just take a small amount. As it has been said its going to get worse before it gets better and I just have to fight my way thru it, it makes it so much easier with the support that I do have, that know what is going on. For that I am Blessed.
Insomnia really sucks, I know where I should be, sleeping in bed with the oleman but I cant sleep due to massive pain, and im nervious about the new doctor today, i sure hope they can figure something out...on the plus side its starting to get warmer here, so that for certain will make me feel better, hopefully the new drug they want to add to the chemo will not have massive side effects, i hate needles, and i told the oleman he is going to have to give me the shots...
Ok so Ya I will admit, I enjoy smoking but with the amount of pain that I am generally always in and especially because its raining and add to the fact that being that I relocated to a new state, and I cant get in with a regular doctor and I have since run out of PAIN MEDS I enjoy smoking.... and well I have been sick for the last 4 days so I really havent eaten much...
So tonight I am finally hungry so I go and make myself a snack.. Tostito scoops salsa a dab of sour cream and shredded colby cheese pop in the microwave for 45 seconds mmmm yummy... but did I get to have any......... no of course not yet I am called selfish the dinger goes aff and AYW has to take them and eat them then he knows i am not happy about that follows me to my room sets the plate on the bed and tried to get me not mad and wht happens......... the cat eats them................i am utterly annoyed at this moment !!!!!!!!!
haha.... Thats right sis get em.... he has been soooo mean.
Oh and yes the kitty thats who he blamed said tthe cat was twice as guilty as he was lol
07:33 Mar 10 2010 Times Read: 1,063
Me and the oleman just watched this movie, the curious case of benjamin button
Now I had seen this when it first came out and thought it was a great but very sad movie, to watch all of the people that you hold dear in your life to watch them all grow old and move on while you remain getting younger with every year that they grow older must be sooo sad.
So i went to let the dog out on his chain today and I look up and there are like 100 turkeys staring at me.... I was sorta just dazed for a minute as I keep saying since I have been here I havent seen any wildlife except roadkill.... so i run back in the house to get the oleman as I have never seen so many at one time before he says" Oh rachy there are no turkeys out there I know your on a lot of meds right now but now your seeing things..." so i finally get him to come out and look but i must have scared them when I yelled hurry up come and see....as they had moved over the top of the hill.... I really think he is trying to make me think I have lost my damn mind... but then again it just could be that I am soooo neglected that I just cant think or see straight anymore.... either way.....but damn it I know i saw them darn turkeys.
well the oleman did say "look at the pink flamingos dear dont you see them ?" So maybe he has clearly lost his mind as well lol
18:55 Mar 06 2010 Times Read: 1,084
It feels so good to finally be home...
Going back to NY for 6 days was aweful, between seeing that some people never change, learning that if i stick my hand in fire i will surely get burned.
If you really want to see just how a person really is, you see that at funerals and let me tell ya its not pretty all the bickering....
And people yes it is sooo true you cannot count on people, wellin this case there is a select few that I know I can always count on.
My trip up to NY was a disaster from the word go. They sold more tickets then there were seats, because of a accident in WV everyone was rerouted and some people had been on a bus for 54 hours........... it was aweful.... and then when I finally get to NY was anyone there to pick me up noooooooooo of course not....
So I had to call my brother to come and get me.. so then I finally get to my parents house...
and my sister and my brothers girlfriend are sitting on the floor making a memory board of pictures of my grand mother....
**Now for those of you that dont know I was very very close with my grandparents I lived with them until my dad remarried and then spent every weekend and almost every summer with them until I was 16. They wantedto adopt me when I was really little before my dad remarried.**
So I am looking at this memory board and its has all these pics of my sister and gram there is 1 picture of me and one of alex....
all in all the best partof the trip was getting to see alex.
The ride home wasnt as bad as my friend Allison came and picked me up in London KY.
I took a ton of pictures and will post them later
I am just soo happy to finally be back home with the oleman and the animals
Well let me just say that since i got here to NY it has been awful....i never ever want to have anything to do with any of my family except my dad when I get back HOME to TN....
everyone has been bickering about everything they are like 2 year old and i just cant stand it...
i cant wait to get home. I never really drink anymore but last night oh ya went to the bar saw a whole bunch of people i haven't seen in years and drank shot after shot of jack and then finished off with southern comfort... got back to the house and my brother who i haven't spoken to was there and we talked and i even got a hug... and he was concerned as i had had wayyyyyyy to much to drink and he was making sure i was ok and that i had plenty of water to drink.
*hugs her big sister* I am so sorry you are going through the losses of two Matriarchs in your family. I know it was hard enough on you losing your Mom. I love you, and hold you near. Wish I could protect you from things like this. Because it does become all too much. Just think you get to go back home to B, and your new home. Look on the upper things to life.. because that is what will get you through this. I love you, and call me if you need to talk. Don't drink too much.
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